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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling or protective

284 replies

TheMuteMoose · 22/08/2018 18:43

Hey, newbie here

Before I go off on a tangent, and make myself out to be paranoid and over thinking can anyone give me an idea of what makes a partner controlling/ over protective?

I have a few red flags raised in my fairly new relationship (6 months) but worried I am just over thinking the situation and things that are said. I am a very strong willed and opinionated person, so even these doubts I am havjng are very out of character for me.

A small example of some of the shenanigans for an idea... OH mentions he has a sore neck, which reminds me to let him know I’ve booked myself into my usual sports massage. This has been ongoing for 8+ years. After a long pause he says In a very moody tone “brilliant, another mans hands all over your naked body” I don’t react, I ignore the comment with a Shake of he head and a loud tut. He says there it was a joke and he just wanted some reassurance, I say he is being controlling and paranoid to which he very strongly denies

Plenty more examples to come, but I’d like to hear some opinions before I let lose!!

OP posts:
FlorencesHunger · 23/08/2018 09:30

I'm so glad you are seeing the light so early on op, the only person you'd be letting down is yourself if you continue with the relationship, you have a duty to yourself and not what your family think or feel.
They aren't the ones in the relationship.

It's disturbing to see that you just agree with him In order to stop him going on about things.
This is evidence that he's breaking you down slowly but surely.

For yrs I was in a relationship from quite a young age until early twenties with an older man. I was literally a quivering wreck by the time I saw the light and got away from him.
Now years on and I'm happy and confident in life and have met great men since then.
I haven't let his abuse affect my relationships with other people.

We all have been hurt in the past by those we love but we shouldn't carry that with us for life and project it onto others.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/08/2018 09:31

Your family and friends see one version of an image; they do not see and never see the real him behind closed doors. As mentioned before such people are masters of manipulation and do fool a lot of people.

He is already boxing clever here and knows exactly how to manipulate you; do not forget he has had a lifetime of such practice and you are very much a newbie. Clearly you have not fortunately dated a controlling man like this till now and he knows that as well.

I would also find a male friend to be with you when you are boxing up his stuff.

ElspethFlashman · 23/08/2018 09:33

6 months?

6 months and he's already moved a ton of shit into your home??! WTF? How did that even happen? How does a bloke move stuff in by stealth? I don't know how it worked. Does he have a suspiciously large holdall with him each time?

How did it work that he's using your place as a doss house after only 6 months?

You have to work on your boundaries. You may have put your foot down over a cat but you let him move in bit by bit and you apparently said nothing to halt it.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 09:36

NynaeveSedai - did this happen without you realising, if that makes sense? I find dependency suffocating also, i am very comfortable in my own company and can easily go for a good amount of time not seeing friends or family. Life is busy, so i enjoy going home in an evening and relaxing on my own with my dogs and new cat.

HellsBells - thank you hun, i will have the strength to do this, just need to muster it up but it is in there.

Didnt see any of this coming. I have known OH a year, and only in the past 1/2 months has he noticeably changed.

OP posts:
greenberet · 23/08/2018 09:46

MrsRyanGosling15 - do not listen to me why not?

Relationships are about compromise - we all come with baggage tainted by previous relationships and past hurts - I doubt there is anyone out there who will not have red flags - sometimes these uncomfortable feelings are issues you need to work on in yourself rather than for the other person to address - if you have tried to discuss and there is no change then fair enough but if you give up without trying - well that is just fear talking - perhaps from females who are too scared to re enter the relationship market let alone give someone the benefit of the doubt.

Most people wear masks - he's unlikely to reveal his insecurities in the professional arena now is he but everyone has insecurities no matter how hard they try to disguise them And they've won't reveal themselves until you start to feel comfortable with each other

I can't say whether this man is controlling or not - op says they share the same hobbies - maybe this is why he joined in with hers

Relationships are bloody hard work - there is no such thing as an easy relationship - it's whether he takes on board any of the ops points of view or dismisses everything she says out of hand - only op will know this

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 09:48

ElspethFlashman - It started by him bringing stuff over for work the next day. As he works away he would bring in the stuff he has worn over 2 days and me being nice offered to wash them, but they ended up staying in the washing basket. Same thing happened a few times, didnt see much in it till i did the ironing and realised how many clothes he had there. They have never been put away, as i refuse to let him feel like he has draws or wardrobe space, seems to make it more official in my eyes. He then turned up with all his personal paperwork one day as he said he needed to sort it all out at weekend when he was home, of course i just left him to it, and what do you know all the paperwork is sat on the side, never been looked at, so it cant have been that important what ever he needed to do!!

AttilaTheMeerkat- i will be talking my mum through all of this on holiday, it will hit her like a tonne of bricks as she thinks hes the best thing since sliced bread.. as does everyone else!! I have been lucky to have never been in a controlling relationship, but it leaves me little/no experience. Half the stuff thats happened i have only realised is wrong now i am reading up about hearing of all your experiences

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 23/08/2018 09:56

and me being nice offered to wash them

NOOOOOOOOOOOO! You are not his Mammy! Never do this for any adult, unless you are in a long term committed cohabiting relationship and its all going into the one machine anyway.

Bag up his dirty clothes into a black bin liner and plonk them in the front porch with a jaunty "Oh dear I just realised how little clothes you must have at home! Here you are!"

But get them out of your house. Put the papers at the bottom of the bag.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 23/08/2018 10:00

Op has he “love bombed” you ? This is a tactic that my ex used , we became serious quickly and I now know why! It’s standard Narc/controlling behaviour . Everyone thought he was lovely , he would buy me gifts , do things around the house . He was a pro carpet cleaner and driveway cleaner so done all that for me and my parents . Everyone thought he could do no wrong, it makes you feel very conflicted xx

greenberet · 23/08/2018 10:00

Does he have any good points moose?

Kennycalmit · 23/08/2018 10:03

OP I really don’t mean any disrespect but I don’t think you’ll finish with him after your holiday. Why wait? He will still be the same man then as he is now. He’ll still react the same.

If you won’t do it now you won’t do it then

By finishing it now you’ve got the holiday to look forward to, something for you to focus on. If you go on holiday thinking you’ll end it once home you won’t enjoy your time away, you’ll be worrying about how he’s gunna take it etc

End it asap.
I don’t see why you’d stay with him when you aren’t happy especially when you’ve got no actual ties to him?! He won’t change

LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 10:03

Relationships are bloody hard work - there is no such thing as an easy relationship

No, they're not hard work, and shouldn't be, especially 6 months in.

And compromising with a controlling person is one of the worst things a person can do.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 10:06

FuckItPassMeTheWine - oh he well and truly swept me off my feet. He chased me for a very long time before i even agreed to a date. Things have moved forward very quickly, i have voiced my opinions on this but he just says we should enjoy it, what we have is special. The normal crap they spout off with!!

Greenberet - honestly, i have never met someone who wants exactly what i want in life. My line of work is difficult, he works in the same industry. We have the same hobbies, we have the same dreams. He is the most caring and affectionate person i have come across, most of the time he makes me feel like i am the only person in the world who matters. I feel like a queen. But then the red flags keep popping up, and i can see the cracks appearing and slowly getting bigger.

I am worried i will continue and get more drawn in, but at the same time i really dont think i will find someone as well suited as we are

OP posts:
Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 10:07

Just want to thank you all. Never expected this kind of support. What a wonderful bunchy you all are Flowers

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 10:11

You're not well suited to each other, that's an illusion, too, because he is a controlling person.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 23/08/2018 10:13

perhaps from females who are too scared to re enter the relationship market let alone give someone the benefit of the doubt. what does this even mean??

You do not compromise with a man like this. You just don't. Full stop. End of story. It's only 6 months in and look at the way he is behaving and the things he is saying. That is not normal behaviour in any relationship. No woman should ever, ever compromise themselves or their behavious because of behaviours like this from a man.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 10:16

What are all your thoughts on putting this on a message to him. I dont feel like i can talk to him face to face, it always gets out of hand and he boggles my mind so much and switches it round onto me i forget what i was even saying. I am thinking of explaining his behavior and how i feel about it?

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 23/08/2018 10:18

Further proof there he's a mind fuck controlling gaslighter. I would definitely message him. I did that with my ex controlling gaslighting manchild then blocked him. Best thing I ever did.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 23/08/2018 10:21

Im not sure you need to explain his behaviour to him. You have before and he simply gave an excuse for it. He is basically a casual relationship of 6 months. You literally owe him nothing. I would just tell him it's over and he can collect his stuff from his dm. Then block and ignore. And thank your lucky stars for ditching him when you did.

greenberet · 23/08/2018 10:22

LeftRightCentre - where do you get this bollocks from - maybe that's the problem -we've all been fed the line that true love is easy - you know like in the fairy tales - except we don't live in fairyland - we all have issues - we are mostly all difficult people full of flaws and insecurities - if you are brave enough to show someone these then that shows you have some trust in that person -but it's a gamble because most people these days want "perfect" - any flaw or insecurity is a red flag - time to run a mile - maybe they need someone who is not scared by this - there is no time when this is Allowed to happen it happens when it does - so could be 6 months - a year whatever - nothing will change unless someone tries to make a change - sometimes people just need to be shown a different way - but you have to stick your head above the parapit - which is not for everyone - some people would rather live with their fear than face it

ElspethFlashman · 23/08/2018 10:25

You don't give him ammunition in any message.

You are only 6 months in, remember that. So it doesn't have to be this big divorce. You don't owe him anything other than the mildest explanation.

"I have just been feeling we aren't best suited. We've had some great times but I don't feel we are 100% compatible. It's a shame but best to acknowledge it now rather than down the road. I hope you find that special someone who is a perfect match to you, but it's not me I'm afraid. Best of luck"

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/08/2018 10:29

In the sticky at the top of the Relationships thread, one of the points mentioned is this one:-

"Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all".

OP - any text message sent to him should be brief and to the point. Do not JADE i.e. justify, argue, defend or explain. Doing any of that will simply further prolong things.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 23/08/2018 10:30

if you are brave enough to show someone these then that shows you have some trust in that person

Is that honestly what you think this man is doing? Seriously?

nothing will change unless someone tries to make a change

Abusive and controlling men don't change. The only change that is needed is for him to go.

LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 10:31

LeftRightCentre - where do you get this bollocks from

6 months in you should still be having fun, not gaslighting and controlling your girlfriend. Hmm Not sure where you're getting this living in fear idea from, strange indeed.

Original poster
TheMuteMoose · 23/08/2018 10:33

Ok, i have sent a message briefly out lining the issues surrounding the control and emotional abuse and that the relationship is no longer working for me.

I know i will receive a message begging and he will change. I cannot block yet as i dont know when he will be back on home turf to collect his belongings. I will offer to drop them in a secure place for him, but i do know there are some letters he will not want anyone to find as they have personal details on.

OP posts:
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