Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

Feeling sad....but will get there!Old Thread

I think this is a great thread!
At early stages of divorce with an abusive man. X

-snuggles into sofa clutching camomile tea-

This is much needed for me. Forms filled out, decree nisi applied for. 18 years together and he moved on after 3 months!

Great to see new people, even though it's unfortunate so many of us find ourselves in this situation

I'm here. One month out of abusive relationship. I went back too many times but iv finally found strength. My family and friends have been amazing.

Place marking 😀

Hello all! Can’t believe we’re onto a second thread. I never would have thought I would have had such support and comfort when I made my first post on NYE last year.

But at have to say - crab, camomile tea ?! You can tell you’re a Southerner - us Northerners don’t do “poncy tea”

Hi twilight you must be feeling very raw, and disoriented. I had a year or so of gaslighting-devaluation which left my head spinning. And regina the speed which some people put it all behind them is staggering.

Haha yes moo it’s all 6 quid for a pint of flavourless peroni down here.

It’s odd not seing your post not in thread-starter green (on my phone anyway)

Hi, just joining in here after reading a bit of the first thread. Im about 7 weeks into my separation with abusive H & we have a 16 month old.

Hi Rosie are you still in family home?

I am yes, me & toddler are at home, he was quite happy to skip out the door so thats one positive i suppose

Yay to new thread beginning (waves hi).
And welcome newbies, sorry to hear about your situations. It must be doubly difficult if you're dealing with abuse as well so my heart goes out to those of you going through that.

Rosie how is your toddler coping?
I have a 4 and 6 year old dd and the youngest is really struggling. It's hard work helping them and dealing with your own stuff.
Crab I'm partial to peppermint tea myself. Do report back on your date!!

*Moocow I'm not ready to date yet either, that's very far off (despite my jokes about shagging someone on holiday). I don't think I could actually go through with it. It's a fun fantasy though.
And absolutely agree that DH's anger over my renovation decision was linked to my newfound independence.
It's all mixed messages and conflictedness with him, "I'm leaving, don't kick me out!" or "I have too much responsibility but god forbid you should make decisions on your own."
Drives me nuts.
Sounds like a meet up is imminent for some of us anyways. Is autumn too soon?

He seems to be coping ok so far thank you, hes still pretty young & H was never particularly hands on when he was here anyway.

Hopefully your 4 year old will start to feel better soon, its awful isnt it, the worry of how it will impact on them. I think my hearts breaking more for my son than for myself at the moment. But at the same time hes the one thing thats keeping me going.

Rosiepicnic yes, I absolutely agree. It's so hard to watch them go through the pain and confusion and you feel a bit like you've taken away their innocence. I have a little memory book I used to write for each of them and I haven't had the heart to put anything in it since the separation because it feels too sad. Phrases like, "Mummy, will you and Daddy be apart forever??" just break my heart.

But at the same time my kids have been a massive comfort through all of this and they are great for cuddles and unconditional love (DD2 needs massive reassurance right now that I love her no matter what and AM NOT LEAVING).

I think you said that your ex is abusive. Is he able to see DS without supervision? That must be difficult. At the same time as you say, he's so young that he probably won't remember a time before the separation.

Just noticed this thread. Can I please join in? 27 year marriage is ending because of his cheating.
It's horrible and I feel so hurt and clueless about the whole thing. I'll read the first thread.

Afternoon all. Sorry to see that others have joined us. I hope we can give you some comfort and support moving forward.

I saw a quote somewhere that said how you feel today is only temporary. It won't always be like this.

So hang in there.

Well we are back from the hospital. Few things to follow up. But no op need right now. Booked for more scans in September and following up in October. I don't care what happens we will be going on our holidays in October if I have to wheel ds about. I updated ex but he hasn't replied. But I have done my bit.

Hi all, Rosie yes the impact of it all really worried me. I guess the main thing is to be as calm and non confrontational with your stbx. Not easy in the first few weeks but I think this is the main thing as far as your dc are concerned. You can’t change what’s happened but you can make the fallout easier for them. chinup sorry to find you here, just make sure you’re eating and resting as much as poss, the first bit is awful. Just take things day by day and let it all out on here if it helps, it did for me...

eve good news about your ds. Hope you get some more good news with the next meetings. sprite yes those questions are really hard to take, aren’t they. Hard to balance the truth with what’s age appropriate when they’re young. Hugs all

Hi Eve34 glad to hear you're back from the hospital and no operation is needed now. That seems like good news but I guess these things evolve with time so you don't know. In some ways it's good to get a diagnosis and know what you're dealing with. You should definitely do the holiday in October!
ChinUp I think you might be there a week if y
ou read the entire last thread. It's more like a book and don't feel you need to be 'caught up.' Things change so quickly anyways.

I went out for dinner with a friend last night who's been on holiday and told her I'm now waiting to file for divorce, for at least 6 months. She said she couldn't keep up with how fast things are changing.

My husband also had an affair - it's pretty gut wrenchingly awful. I found out by 'mistake' and he says he never would have told me. He's broken up with her now but only because his therapist told him to - not for me.

LonelyCrab yes indeed. Was tempted to say "go and ask your father!" but the truth is he's not a great resource for explaining right now. I don't think he even knows why he's wreaked havoc on our previously happy life together.

One day though when the girls are grown I might choose to tell them the truth about what happened and they can make their own minds up.
DH is currently on holiday with the girls and his mum (who is refusing to speak to me, god knows why). DD1 is oblivious to this and had the camera on a selfie stick - pointed it in MIL's face and said "say hi." It was brilliant watching her be forced to be nice to me or at least acknowledge me. How exactly did she think it was going to work her blanking me with the kids involved?

She has inflicted her own distress and trauma on me at a time when I don't deserve it and have so much on my plate to deal with.

sprite that sucks with your ex mil. I had the same, when I was trying everything last thing to keep us together. The sense of betrayal is hard to cope with, but just from how you write I can tell you are a level headed, kind person and not the villain you’re being portrayed as.

The truth will come out, probably even if you don’t reveal it yourself. Kids are smart and actions speak louder than words. My first thought was I wouldn’t want my ds to know what truly happened- if I had a mum that acted like my ex did, it would damage the mother-son bond that is so very important. Much as I despise my exes destruction I would never wish for my son to lose that bond.

It's a tough one. Rightly or wrongly I made it very clear that daddy didn't love mummy anymore and ow makes him happy.

I wanted us to work out our differences. But he is nearly recognisable as the person I loved. So gets easier as time goes by.

Evening everyone, i have to say im finding this thread so helpful! I dont really know anyone in real life whos gone through this so its nice to have people who understand a bit.

spritesobright in answer to your question yes he has unsupervised contact at the mo ( no overnights) his abuse was verbal/emotional & only aimed at me so im just monitoring that for now. I dont feel i have enough reason to restrict contact any more at the mo, as tough as it is.

ChinUpShouldersBack hope youre doing ok, the shock at first is the worst but day by day it does get easier. I couldnt eat for a week but forced myself to drink sweet tea. & found long walks outside really helped to clear my head. Whatever works best for you, do it! X

eve34 i know what you mean about not recognising them as the person you love & it does make it easier. My STBXH has been nothing but arrogant since the split & i just dont feel i know him any more. But in a way im glad, i know its best for us to split & if he'd been all apologetic & begging for a 2nd chance i might have caved, but it would only really have been for my sons sake.

Also, i have no idea how to make peoples names bold, can anyone help please?

@Rosiepicnic If you do a @ a drop down box of names will appear.

My ex is a bully. And was abusive towards me and the kids. I tolerated an awful lot as I could protect the children from him when we were together. And although a lot of his behaviour is very poor. It wasn't enough to stop contact. He is allowed to be a shit parent. But I have kept a few notes and sadly it has built up a rather bleak picture. So I need to go back and get further advice as my eldest is beginning to tell me he doesn't want to see ex anymore.

So keep documenting anything you feel isn't appropriate and see how things go.

Oh @eve34 sounds very similar. I dont have enough to stop him seeing him but i do worry myself sick every time he does. I stuck at the marriage until he cheated & i think that was more so id always be around for my son rather than anything else, i wasnt happy really. I am keeping a log of things so will see how it goes