Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

Hi all just wanted to say I’m happy to have found this thread. Separated for a few weeks and struggling quite a bit. Good to have people to talk to xxx

Hi winter good to hear from you Bit of a long drawn out drag dealing with estate agents. Been playing that game myself and hopefully coming to a close. But not counting my chickens yet.... waiting to exchange at the mo. I guess you’re selling up and buying somewhere else? Hope things are moving along.

Hi Sofia hope you managing to eat and sleep ok ish at this difficult time.

@Lonelycrab thank you, for first few weeks I couldn’t really eat it was strange but things have settled down a bit.

Hope you’re having a lovely bank holiday xxx

Managed to feel a bit stronger after taking myself away for the night, despite several texts from OH saying he missed me.
Came back & told him he had to go as couldn't carry on with him showing me zero respect.
He agreed it was wrong of him but accepted that was the case.
Then a few hours later I could feel a bit of a melt down coming so took myself off to the bedroom for a cry. OH came in, said how sorry he was for what he was doing to me & cried himself. Talked openly about his feelings for me & OW & how he couldn't even understand himself what he was doing wrecking everything.
Basically f*ing with my head which then obviously starts to think he was actually going to say he'd end contact with her & recommit to me. Apart from his last line was that none of what he'd said changed anything he was still moving out.
So all that changed really is that the little strength I'd gained is sucked from me & he's back in control.

Oh whatdyknow what a mess. It's so cruel to play with your feelings like that. Maybe he is confused but he needs to leave and sort his own head out instead of messing with yours.

Hi, hope you don’t mind if I join. Am going to check out previous thread and read through this one. I am almost a year on from discovering my stbx’s prostitute habit. I alternate between string and pathetic. This September will be my new start though, my year to see through the divorce and hopefully my year to learn to ignore his constant pleadings.

Hi @newerversion. Here's to your new & brighter year!

So continuing from yesterday's declaration of love and the kick in the stomach. I suggested again to him that counseling (solo for him) might help him clear his head- he had previously had a session booked but I screwed up by discovering he'd sent a fake text to himself to reassure me when he had lied about meeting OW. He left for the night and said that because I'd kicked him out to calm down there was no way he would go to relate.
Anyway, yesterday he said he didn't see how a £50 session would make any difference and he needed to save money if he was going to support two homes. Fair enough maybe though I think it could reap benefits.
Then he heads off to the computer to do his important work, which the open tabs on the computer this morning tell me were buying new shoes for £100 & looking at aftershaves for an hour.
Why oh why did I let him come in & talk to me yesterday.

Struggling so much today.
How can he spend ages in tears telling me he loves me & wishes things could just go back to how they were & then say that he can't help it?
Surely if he really meant the first things he would try everything he could to help it?

Whatdyknow can you cut contact for a bit? Even if just a week or so, just so you're not having to listen to him?

Hi @bookvan.
I really wish I could but need to stay at home with my son. Really don't know what to do.
I know he needs to move out at least for a bit but a all that happened last time was he went straight to ow. Said just for coffee as she's his friend. Why can't he understand he can't have both and stop messing with me.
I know there bit much chance for us as they work together, an hour from home & long hours. He's told employer which I thought might help if they separated them a bit but I think ask that's happened is they're now legitimised at work.
I just want to run away.

It's shit. Have you seen your gp? Or spoken to a counsellor? Might help a bit.
I'm in a similar situation. Can't get away because of the kids, he won't leave unless I buy him out, and even if he did, he'd go straight to his gfs. I'm so angry. It's taking everything I have not to lose it with him.

Ah @bookvan sorry you're in a similar place.
I just don't know how someone can change so much & also how he can seem comfortable with playing on my emotions so much.
I feel so ground down and know he's making the most of knowing I still can't imagine if being over.
I've asked for a therapy referral- just waiting for a date. Frustratingly this is the first year in around 4 when I haven't been battling with anxiety most days. I worked really hard to get myself to a better place and he knows that and yet just as I feel more like myself he's battered me with this.

A poster on another thread suggested the Samaritans. Might be helpful til you get your referral.
My ex is currently torturing me playing romantic songs on alexa. I'm determined not to cry in front of him. I've cried so much, completely humiliated myself and I won't keep letting him see me like that. Although if he plays our first dance song I will throw the sodding Alexa out the window .

Why does he think that's OK in front of you?
Wouldn't blame you if you went for the window option.

Hello everyone ( old and new) been offline for a few days and had a mild panic when I couldn’t find the old thread.

Haven’t caught up yet but wanted to say hi and hope everyone is doing OK and got through the bank holiday ( or even enjoyed it!).

Glad to see we retained the ... in the title crab I also found them strangely comforting

Also to say yes I can make a London meet up - great idea.

Hi Crumpets nice to hear from you again. And yes! London meet up here we come! I will try to message with dates.
And welcome newerversion , bookvan and whadyknow - sorry about your situations but you're doing the right thing seeking support and advice.
It's so invaluable to talk to people who have been through it.
I really feel for you still having to live with your partners, and the music thing is torture! How dare he inflict such mental cruelty.
This is a crazy thought but if they are threatening to live with ow have you considered packing their bags and sending them off? Call their bluff.
It's all fun and excitement when it's an affair but once the reality of dirty socks, smelly toilets and daily monotony kicks in it won't be so fun.

Ow probably never bargained on having married, grumpy bf move in with her!

You have more power than you think in this situation.
You might find you greatly enjoy living on your own and miss him very little indeed.
That's where I'm at right now. I don't miss the person he's become, but I do mourn the person he used to be and the relationship we had.
Newerversion I can only imagine what it's like to find out your OH has a prostitute "habit."
Actually, not sure if it's better or worse than ow he claims to "love."
Sounds like you are further down the line though. Are you in the divorce process yet?

Hi everyone and crumps glad you found us. And it wasn’t just me with the ..... then! Sounds like that’s potentially 5 of us for a meet up? Happy to chip in for moo if getting down south is tricky...

Welcome to the newcomers although I wouldn’t wish these situations on anyone. bookvan the thing with the sad songs is really below the belt- designed obviously to get a reaction. It must be so hard to have to live with someone who’s been so cruel when your instincts must be telling you to get away. Can you sell up and downsize? Sorry if I missed the detail of your situation. And whatdy I’m so sorry that your partner is being so insensitive. When people make comments like that, to me it just highlights how little empathy they have for you (supposed lifelong partner?) and how wrapped up in themselves they gave become. I was told some really hurtful things by my ex and she almost didn’t even realise what she was saying might hurt me. A lot. But like you I do mourn the person I thought she was once and sometimes the flash backs to our happy years together fills me with doubt about where it all went wrong. And then I remember that the person she became was in fact the person she always was- I just never noticed.

Thankfully sprite I am at the stage where I wouldn’t go back to my ex for all the cheese in Switzerland she became over the space of a few months a selfish, entitled abusive twat. So no going back for me and managing to see more of the positives of just being myself as each day passes. Date went well too which makes me feel like I’ve still “got it”. Second date on the cards!

Hugs all x

Not having a good day today. Had to go shoe shopping for the dcs, 2 hrs and still no shoes due to wierd sized feet and general pickiness.
Dh told me to go away this weekend as I'm
making his life miserable. I cry whenever I'm alone so of course a weekend by myself is just what I need. If he doesn't like it he can fuck off.
One friend in particular has been fab, he's on holiday but texts me every few hours to check I'm ok. Wierd that a relatively new friend of less than a year knows me better and cares more than my husband of 20 years.
@lonelycrab I'm looking forward to being at the stage where I can say there's no way I'd go back. How long did it take you to get to that?

Hi bookvan it was probably around the 3 month mark, maybe a bit more. The penny dropped as to how little she cared for my feelings and I sort of went from feeling sad, to feeling foolish. Hope that helps, it does take while.

Hi everyone, you will get there bookvan it must be so tough for you having to face him all the time. Your friend sounds lovely to keep checking on you.
I had been feeling really strong lately, in a wierd way its good that ex is being so vile to me, it just makes me more determined to get rid. Although i had a bit of a set back yesterday when a random neighbour turned up at my house to say he'd tried it on with her not long after i had the baby. It just made me feel sick, i dont think i know even half of what he'd actually been up to

Hope everyone's having an OK day. @bookvan sorry to hear your having a tough one. Really hope it's improved on earlier for you.
My OH was home earlier than normal today and had sent an affectionate text earlier ( which I don't reply to but still appreciated). So since he was there I yet again thought maybe we could talk sensibly. He tried but the end result was that he wants to be with me so much but can't because he wants to be with OW. Oh but also that he doesnt mean be with her in a relationship just that he doesn't want to not have her closely in his life.
How can he be OK with totally wrecking our DS & me for that!
Then that he won't move until I've agreed on when he'll see DS. I totally get & want easy access for both of them but think some boundaries are needed to keep things clear and routine for DS.
OH says he wants to come back once in the week and each weekend to stay in the house so he can see him properly.
Aibu to think this is going to be a crap arrangement? I know I'll miss my son terribly but can't see how having us both here twice a week will help any of us.

@whatdyknow I think you're right in making sure boundaries are established, for your ds sake and yours. Having him staying every weekend will be difficult, although would allow you some free time.

I'm sorry he's being such an arse about the ow. It's not fair to you to keep sending you messages that get your hopes up then dashing them. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

It's just horrible realising the person you loved isn't that person and probably never was.

@Whatdyknow

Just a quick reply as I really feel for you. I also felt like you. I wanted to make ex see the love we had was built from loyalty and commitment and building a family together. On our history. The rawness of shagging someone new is thrilling and exciting. The two are chalk and cheese. And can't be compared.

He either loves you enough that he doesn't want the other. Or he is a weak and selfish man. Who just wants the thrill. You deserve to be cherished like there is no other.

Time to get tough. He can't treat you like this. He has made his decision. And the fall out of that is he doesn't get to walk in and out of the family home and your sons life. Routine. And consistency is key so that there is no confusion. Eow contact and one night in the week. Agree maintenance. He has made his bed. He has to deal with the consequences of his decision.

I know it's really hard and you just want to shake him. But you need to set clear boundaries. He won't like it one bit. Because he no longer gets to pull your strings. Don't let him.

Spot on eve.

I read this bit whatdy:

“the end result was that he wants to be with me so much but can't because he wants to be with OW. Oh but also that he doesnt mean be with her in a relationship just that he doesn't want to not have her closely in his life.”

And thought WTAF is he on about?

Thanks for replies.
Don't know how people keep it together but I know some action's needed as my son keeps asking what's wrong. Hate that I'm the one making him feel worried.