Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

Eve my H is similar to yours in that I've second guessed every sentence for years to protect my dc, since the separation he's taken to being the Disney fun dad with gusto. In fact this week he's on annual leave to care for dc & it's fun & activities every single day, my dm & I have discussed how it won't continue.
I on the other hand am doing the day to day regular parenting and keeping up contact with extended family as I've always done.

@mammynowanauntyIRL it won't last. Kids Dad is warming up to be Disney Dad. But only when ow has a day off with them. So he can show off what a great guy he is.

My dad was the same. Show up take us out. Buy presents and go away again. I knew early on who did all the hard work bringing me up. Kids will see through them soon enough.

Funny how we tolerated such bad behaviour. You would of thought that the effort to mask their true selves would deter them for trying to impress a new women. I guess though in their head they weren't in the wrong. It was us that became dull and boring. Or whatever our crime was.

Busy day here so I'll read and post properly later. I feel a bit iffy about posting though as STBXH knows I'm a regular MNer and I wouldn't put it past him to pry.

Can you change up some details?

Hi. Hope it's OK if I join?
Not quite on the journey but very close to it. OH pretending he's not in regular contact with ow but at same time will happily tell me he can't break things off as his feelings for her are too strong. Of course he still loves me..... Yeah right.
Trying to get the courage to change my life and stop putting up with the lies. Looking on this thread for inspiration and support on how to survive. Feel so exhausted and not even taken the first step. He says he can't move out yet for financial reasons but it's killing me every day.

Yes it's still quite raw. I'm feeling positive and happier on my own. I have 2 dc youngest is his and is 1yo. He switches between verbal abuse and begging to come back so I have to ignore messages etc. He's messing around with maintenance I'm guessing he feels this is all he has control over now to get to me

It's my 27th wedding anniversary today and a beautiful morning here. The day of my wedding it rained so hard The windscreen wipers were on double speed. I'm taking the sunshine as a good sign. I had a massive cry last night and texted STBXH to tell him he'd have to swap initial mediation appointments with me. I didn't text that he obviously wouldn't struggle with it because our marriage vows clearly meant squat to him...but he'll know that's what I was thinking.
I'm going to have a good day despite him.

Or TO spite him

Hi all, please may I join?

Ex moved out of the family home on Saturday leaving me, 2 cats and our 6mo son behind.

Fantastic timing as I'm on a reduced income as I'm on maternity leave so having to find help with housing costs on top of everything else. For various reasons I am also having to rehome our cats through a cat charity which is heartbreaking but absolutely the right thing for them and also for DS.

Meanwhile ex is renting a room, zero responsibility and swanning off out with friends every night totally fair.

When does it get easier?!

Morning and a sad welcome to our newcomers. I hope just getting your thoughts down on here can help as much as it did me.

cornflake it does take time but at the same time things will start to level out in terms of the intensity of your feelings. Sounds like your partner has turned his back at maybe the time you need him most but if I had to try and find a positive- at least you know how self centred he is and you can work towards a life without having to care for a man-child.

twilight I think if the penny has dropped with realising you are/were in an abusive relationship then the battle is half won. Took me a while- but when I did, i felt like: no, I don’t need a scumbag treating me like shit in my life, I deserve better. It doesn’t exactly become easy but it’s an important thing to focus on whenever I’m having a wobble.

whatdy if you don’t have any dc is just tell him to go do one, and don’t look back. I personally don’t think you can love two people at once- those who claim they do only really love one person. Themselves.

chinup crying was an important part in the healing process. And no, sometimes words and vows don’t really mean what they should to some people. I was told that I was the love of my ex’s life a month before she binned our family.

Anyway hope you get some strength posting in here and sorry if I’m coming across as a bit of a pond-shop psychologist hugs all x

@Moocow72 hope ds gets the results he needs today.

Hi eve

Thanks for thinking of us - ds did good.
Passed 8 at grade C and above (although they’re all number equivalents these days!).

Only one he got a D in was RS - and no one cares about that

Thanks again - very relieved and so pleased for him after all the hard work he put in and especially with all the crap going on at home. As much as he handled it well and things were calm at home it would be foolish to think recent events wouldn’t have affected him.

Xx

Ooh, I didn't know about the @ trick. I just use * on either end (see legend at bottom of page if you scroll down).

LonelyCrab that's very sweet to call me level headed and kind. I do try but have also channelled a lot of anger recently. Not towards the the girls or MIL, mind, and not nearly enough towards DH.

I don't think she sees me as a vilain. She just seems to think that I should be sitting around waiting (begging?) for him to come back, moping and not getting on with my life. So it's like an affront to her when I announce that in fact, I am clearing out the house and knocking down the garage.

She has spent her entire life being bitter about her ex (DH's father) leaving them so she is definitely not the model of behaviour I'm after.

And it's her loss if she doesn't want to speak to me and therefore loses extra contact time with the kids. She won't be invited to Christmas or DD's birthday (the latter she won't want to attend anyways).

I am still missing my girls but pleased that they weren't desperate to talk to me last night on the phone. I guess that means they're happy and adjusted to the holiday without me.

Eve34 and Rosiepicnic I'm so sorry you had to put up with bullies and emotional abuse. I do think it's a relief afterwards to realise how nice it is not to be criticised or walking on eggshells any more.

I never thought of DH as emotionally abusive but at the height of his crisis and anxiety he did get extremely irritable and critical and when he left it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt so low and worthless at the end of it all.

I hope you're both also getting some relief from not being around that kind of cruelty any more.

Congrats to your DS Moocow72 what a relief that that's over. And I'm sure the strain of the separation was mediated a lot by having such a lovely mum.
DD2 will do Year 2 SATS next year (not nearly the same I know), but I already feel anxious on her behalf about it. She is such a conscientious people pleaser and takes things to heart. I hate the pressure they put on kids at school. It's absolutely bloody ridiculous and so not productive.

@Moocow72 That is fantastic news. As you say with all that has happened this year I am sure you are all very pleased with the results. Hope you do something to celebrate

@spritesobright He wasn't like that in the start. Always a selfish man. But got worse over time. I guess as I cared less he ramped it up to try and get some control. And I knew deep down it was a bad example to set the kids. He never had any respect for me or valued my opinion. It became a bit of a running joke. If we would eat out. He say what do you fancy. And I would reply and we would do something completely different. Got to the point I would ask him why he was even asking me!

My ds just finished. His year six sats. At the time School worried he wouldn't be able to sit let alone finish the exams. He did brilliantly. Although I put in an awful lot of work with him. But the sats mean nothing further down the line so I didn't put any pressure on him. I just wanted him to know what to expect. As moving forward he will be sitting exams soon. And I am sure in year two they are as informal as they can be.

Thanks @lonelycrab.
Don't feel strong enough to just kick him out. It's been 22 years and we have a 14yr old DS so a lot to sort out.
I know it's coming though just scared of how I'll cope. Everyone here seems so amazing & strong.

Eve that’s superb news! I know for your ds it has been a really difficult time and to get a really good result at a time like this hopefully gives you both a well deserved boost.

whatdy not so simple then. It must seem so daunting at this stage but you will learn to dig deep and come out the other side. Your p has shown you zero respect by triangulating you with some ow and imo is simply self absorbed.

sprite that seems an entirely unreasonable stance for your mil to take, quite entitled and aloof I think. You should be guilty for what, your husbands infidelity?

Got this image of you now next to a stack of cardboard boxes, sledgehammer in hand to sort out a bit of light demolition. Go you!
I’ve had a whole lot of latent anger to process, I was almost scaring myself with just how I despised her and her family. Thankfully easing quite a bit now.

Oh Rosiepicnic and Eve34 I'm so sorry to hear about the bullying. My ex got really critical with me towards the end and I left feeling so bad about myself and like I was a bit worthless really.
An unanticipated consequence of his leaving has been realising that actually, I'm a loveable and capable person whose friends have rallied round in support.

Sadly, I am a better person without him. At least in our last conversation he acknowledged that he's the one who needs to change and not me.

Rosie you can bold names by putting an asterisk on either side whilst typing (scroll down the page).

My girls seem to be enjoying their holiday without me, which is a bit bittersweet but I'm glad they're happy. I called today and they all looked exhausted (feeling slightly smug that ex might realise how much easier it was with me on holiday, and in general).

I was feeling wistful and a bit sad yesterday but today I seem to have channelled my anger again. I bought this book about dealing with marital infidelity but I can't read it because I'm still too bloody furious and actually, he should be the one doing ALL the work right now. But then I don't want to remain angry and bitter. I want to move on and be happy.

Sorry, I posted twice thinking my first message got deleted.
whatdyknow You will absolutely find that inner strength. Channel your anger and your mama tiger and think of your DS. Plus you will be surprised how much being with that man was sapping your strength.
DH left me and I then found out about his affair so I had no choice about the separation. I was really dependant on him for silly things. I didn't know our finances or how much my pension was worth or even who my phone provider was.
I am ashamed to admit these things now but he was quite controlling and I thought it was loving to look after me.
When he announced he was leaving I was beside myself with anxiety and fear. I thought I would just curl up and cry.
And I did cry for a bit but then I picked myself up and carried on. And with every new accomplishment I feel stronger and more confident.
Lean on your friends and baby steps.You can do it!

Lonelycrab I think your anger and disgust were entirely justifiable. Your inlaws sound awful and so judgmental and wrongheaded.

And clearly you've now realised that the anger serves its purpose and then you let it go before it consumes you.
How was your date?☺

Morning sprite, date is on Monday but been chatting lots and she seems lovely. Still, not expecting too much as it’s early days, but will be a good boost for my battered confidence if nothing else.

Yes, anger is an energy I think someone once said! But important to not let it take over, although it is a phase we’ve all gotta pass through. How are things with you sprite? Can you see any way back for you and your p? I have my ds still for our second week together this summer and his cousins are now here so having a nice time...

How long do people generally wait before they start dating again? I'm not really looking to get in to a relationship but I think the company, getting out and the confidence boost wouldn't be a bad thing. I'm not ready yet but I think in the near future I could be as my relationship was over a long time before I actually ended it

Morning all.
Another sunny looking day here. Kids are with ex. Who had been drinking even before I dropped the kids off 🙄. Roll on the start of school. And counselling can start up again for ds.

I'm off to the allotment this morning. So hopefully get to do some therapeutic digging.

Hope everyone is ok and has something to look forward to this weekend.

Hi twilight I don’t think there’s a magical formula that says “right you are ready to date” although the one month per year of the relationship seems to get banded about. I think it’s more to do with feeling comfortable, happy within yourself and sort of resolved about what happened. This will as long as it takes, and maybe not so easy to know exactly when you e got there.

And anyway, a date is just a date. As long as you’re upfront about the past with the other person, don’t see that it can do much harm. Just don’t rush into anything I guess and make sure if it does go anywhere it’s for the right reasons.

For me narcissism/npd was at the root of it all which has in some ways made things easier to see for what they were. Toxic sludge between the ears is not attractive. So easier to get over maybe. But in other ways has turned the future into a potential nightmare...

eve it worries me that your ex is drinking so much whilst caring for your dcs. Having a drink or two is one thing. But being pissed when you’re supposed to be caring for them.....

Yes, agreed on the dating thing. It depends how you feel. Some people wait a year, some 6 months. Others decide they're really happy on their own. My neighbour is a case in point. Amazingly fulfilled, active, happy in her 60s. Never dated again after her husband left her for another woman. She is my hero!

It's also about being honest with yourself and your new dates what you want. A friend of mine waited a year then decided she wanted casual, no strings attached sex. Found someone online who wanted the same and they are both really happy with the situation.

Eve34 I love that you have an allotment! What does your garden grow? Gardening is so therapeutic particularly following trauma.

Lonelycrab I think you're going into your date with the right attitude. Just have fun and enjoy yourself! No pressure whatsoever.
I'm good. I am trying not to think about whether H will ever 'recover' from his midlife crisis and somehow repair the massage damage he's done. That's his problem and I will be fine without him.

So now it's about me, not him. That's my new mantra (and ok part of me hopes he has a difficult time on holiday and is wishing I was there, but I won't dwell).