Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

That’s great ella, and reported.

Hugs, whatdy and Eve, sorry not posting much but thinking bout you and everyone else on this thread xx

Hi @lonelycrab. Hope that less posting means you're doing OK.
My strength is certainly not there today. Lovely sunshine & all I can see are couples holding hands. I know i didn't do that as much as stbx wanted. I'm just so sad that I didn't try hard enough. But 23 years is a long time and I just thought we were both plodding along. It maybe wasn't like in the beginning but I thought we were there for each other. Today's one of those days when I just can't stop crying. How am I supposed to be strong enough to pack his his things. I won't but i feel like I just want to tell him I'll wait for him. And I know how pathetic that sounds. I just miss my best friend.

@eve34. Sounds like you're increasing your meh which must be good progress. Pleased you had a nice half term although visitv from the bailiffs must have been awful. Maybe a helpful reminder that you're better off without ex for future low moments.

Hi whatdy I really don’t think it’s about you not trying hard enough as you say. I think once a partner has the nerve to stray, they have already lost what love and respect that may (or may not have) been there in the first place. Please don’t blame yourself, from the little I know of you, you come across as generous and kind hearted so I think you should hold your head up. He sounds almost unbelievably awful, your ex, and between you and Eve I’m not sure who has it worse.

I felt the same about losing my best friend too- until it suddenly hit home what an idiot I was being taken for. It’s hard for you as he’s obviously pushing your buttons the way someone who’s known your for a quarter century can. But it’s really wrong and shows how self centred he is. That’s not love.

I think you will find it easier once he is gone, I think that is when you’ll start to make proper inroads into moving on. Keep going, you’ll get there even though it seems miles off on some days. Hugs

Hi crab & thank you so much for your kind words. Made my eyes water in a better way than they have been today.
& you're right, he knows I can't stay tough for long & much as i hate to think it's deliberate, he definitely makes use of the knowledge.
I was intending to postpone my counsellor sessions until he moves but I think that today has shown me I need to keep the appts to help keep strong.

Hello all, not a frequent poster much these days. Just wanted to say hello X

Hi Winter, hope you ok.... thinking about everyone on this thread and nice to see you’d bumped it... how are things?

Evening all. Good that hopefully everyone has moved forward and not needed this thread.

We are ticking along here. Still up and down situation with ex. Thinking back to last mother day and I cried most of the day. I am still coming to terms with how things are. I'm looking forward to moving on now and hopefully meeting someone else.

Hey Eve, I have been checking to see if anyone’s posted quite a lot but like you say I guess that means we’re all coming to terms with things more now the months have passed. I’m a long way from the quivering blob I was this time last year and things going pretty well with my ex- we sat together at parents evening and that was good natured and we spoke quite a lot about ds. I hope things are going in that direction for you too, I’m single again now since a few weeks ago as my ldr didn’t work out- we were starting to commit and things changed but not for the good from my point of view. Maybe I’m just too quick to spook but I had to follow my feelings, perhaps for the first time in my life. Maybe it was too much too soon. I’ve just gotta keep focused on the day to day and be here for my ds, he’s here with me 10 nights a month and more in holidays so that’s been really good. Hope your kids are doing ok too. Hug x

Sorry to hear that crab. I hope you can see the relationship as a positive stepping stone to moving forward. I'm sure your mature relationship with your ex is paying off for all of you and especially your ds. I'm so pleased to hear you are having more time with ds and hope you have made plans for the holidays.

Not sure how up to date things are. Last contact we had with ex. Ds refused to go. So ex ended up screaming at all of us. Swearing etc. That was January time. Ds hasn't seen his dad since the end of November. And he has made no effort with building bridges with ds.

I have a feeling he has lost his driving license. He has had no car for six months now. Which makes no sense. And think his job is on the line. Which I really hope isn't true. For his sake and mine. Selfishly. It has taken six months to get cms sorted.

We are off to Spain for Easter break. Another mile stone. As we went last Easter and I was just numb. So looking forward to enjoying the break.

Hope everyone else is on the up. Need some good news updates. 😀

Hi lonely, Eve and all. Yes much better than before but still angry with him and way he treated me. Fortunately I have little contact , don't know how you all do it and remain polite/sane. Most of time ok with blips, mainly thinking how they have house together with joint money and im left to get much smaller, cheaper house - can't find suitable one yet though which is starting to get me down. But on the whole much better. People said that time would help and it certainly does but you get peaks troughs and plateaus .You think you'd get to a certain time and that would be it but it will affect us in some way forever( sorry bit grim but part of accepting it I suppose ! Enjoy Spain Eve and I wish everyone a good week👍 X

Hi @eve34 @lonelycrab @Wintersnow17

I haven’t posted for a while as life has just been - well happening I guess. Good to hear that people are moving forwards. I’m so sorry for your DCs re your ex @eve34 but in some ways easier for you a little.

I don’t really know where I am - better than last year, but still nowhere near there. Feeling a bit paralysed at the moment re making decisions about the future and what is best. My DS has also finally been referred to an Ed psychologist and school engaging in hai issues ( possible ADHD) - good in lots of ways ( I’ve been pushing for a long time) but hard again to deal with alone and exhausting. Also finding it really difficult to manage working full time with everything.

Anyway hope people have a lovely Easter. I think we have all come a long way in really not that much time.

@Ilovecrumpets sounds like you a ticking along. Best we can hope for. I look forward to the day ex leaving isn't a cloud over me anymore. At least I'm not a crying mess anymore. Well most of the time.

Fingers crossed ds gets the support he needs. When my ds got his diagnosis ex was useless and had no insight. So although we were together at the time. It was me handling it all anyway.

Bumpy few days. Broke my silence with ex and asked if I could do anything. (He has now lost his job). He said it would be good to talk. But hasn't followed through. So I am not going to chase him. There was a brief moment I wanted to say come home. We will sort it. (Not for one moment thinking he wants or needs me to sort it). I still feel loyal to him and want to make it better. Regardless of how he has behaved towards me. Hard habit to break.

Hope everyone enjoys the easter break and the sun shines.

Hi all. I keep saying I've got so much to be thankful for. I don't have to deal with my ex like you all do but recently I've been raking everything up in my mind , wish I'd done that, should have said that, going over all the time as well when ex was having the affair and things that we did or went to during that time. Makes me feel physically sick to think of him being with me and going places but actually wanting to be with someone else and sharing himself with her. My heart is beating faster just thinking about his cowardly and shamefu behaviour of his. I still feel humiliated and foolish that he was doing this and now I hate the fact his they will cosying up to his family and wondering what they have said about me . I still smart that his family didn't contact me at all despite being quite close but bloods thicker than water eh. Trying to think why my minds doing it but think it must be because I'm not so busy, whereas before I had to keep busy ive relaxed a bit. Might try counselling again X Eve think you're right about hard habits to break, ilove you're right about coming a long way in short time and I think that's part of the problem, you're think you're done with it all when actually it will take a while longer to let it all go. Hugs all X

Hey Winter I think the thing that jumped out at me from your post was how could he have been saying those things to me and all the time he was in contact with ow. Well there’s no reason why that won’t happen again, and you’re better off without someone who’s capable of that. Sorry if that sounds simplistic but it’s a truly horrible thing to do to someone, dishonest to the core and try and remember that. There are decent, true people in life but there’s also lots who aren’t- I found out after over a decade when I thought I was with my life partner.

I had the ex’s family turn on me in a big way too, and I often get overwhelmed with a feeling of injustice, I thought I meant something. Not really sure what I’m saying but just to let you know it’s not an easy road to just come to terms with.

Hope you have a well deserved break Eve and I’m sorry you’re still having so much grief with your ex. With luck a bit of time away with your family will help give you strength. And good to hear from you Crumps, it sounds like you’ve got so much to cope with on your own. Keeping work going at the same time as yourself and dc is so tough. But you’re right, it’s been a long way we’ve all come but still not there yet...Hugs all

Hi I'd like to join if I may.

My husband told me he wants to leave today. We'd been having a low patch but I finally got the guts to ask him what he wanted and he wanted to leave. I'm shocked and not shocked at the same time. I don't really know what to do. I need a plan.

He says trial separation but I've never known anyone get back together after one so I'm thinking this is long term.

We've been together 9 years and married for 5 we have 2 dc. 2 and 7.

Thanks crab, I know what you say makes sense. It isn't easy , feels like I'm being punished in some way for things he did and his cowardly ways.
Simonfromharlow, you are very welcome. Crap time for you, I really feel for you . Is he just a git/coward or do you think there's an OW or just grown apart? . I guess you need to think about the children as well. If he wants a separation tell him to leave to give you space. It takes time to sort it all in your head so talk to others , let your family and friends know so that they can support you . Lots of people on here with good advice . Hugs to you X

Thank you. He says we've grown apart but I thought it was just a hard time because we have a toddler who doesn't sleep. I thought things were ok. He says he finds life intolerable

Morning all. Hola from sunny Spain.

@Wintersnow17 I am sure it is only natural to think back and wonder what you could of done differently. I try hard to reflect on ex's poor behaviour. But I guess you block out the worst times. I too try to count my blessings. Not always easy. I know we are better off without him deep down. Think we have spent the first year keeping busy and distracting ourselves. I didn't dare sit on my own at home for a long time. But I am beginning to learn to relax and be in my own company.

@Simonfromharlow sorry you are in this situation. Be kind to yourself. Gather people around you and keep talking. Try and not to engage with him if you can and get some space between you. I know it is so very hard. I wanted ex to change his mind. And swing things around. He messed me around for six months which cost me emotionally and financially. Take each day as it comes. It is a roller coaster.

We are having a lovely week in the sunshine. So lucky to be here.

Hello all. Hope you are ok. Despite my best efforts not to hear anything unfortunately a well meaning Person has told me that my ex is getting married in a couple of weeks . I'm more bothered that I know as I didn't want to have any news of him at all. Now my mind is all over the place again. It's less than 2 years since we split after being together for over 20. I feel totally humiliated. Why so fast- to prove to the world they've done the right thing?It's hit me harder than I thought. The only thing I can think is marry in haste ... Or she's pregnant?. Can you offer some wise words or motivational speeches please?

Have a cry and then think good luck to her. She'll need it! It's just a wobble. You'll be ok.

Thanks Simonfromharlow. You think you're getting to good head space then wham, hits you again, jeeps you awake at night. Should know that by now I guess. Will keep happening for a while I suppose. Less than 2 years ago we were together so no wonder it knocks the wind out of your sails now and again . Hope everyone else is ok and has a happy Friday X

Hugs Winter. Although I feel like I’m doing quite well with not thinking about my ex too much any more, I do know that if I was in your shoes I’d be knocked for six. I know the day will probably come when she does marry again and how I’ll cope with it I don’t know; I had to explain to my son that people do split up and meet new partners, he asked if that meant I wouldn’t be his dad anymore which really hit me hard. Anyway not sure how much use that it to you but thinking of you and everyone here x

Thanks crab, I'm a bit tortured to be honest. Wish I didn't know , I would be happy not knowing. Got to a point where I wasn't thinking about what he was up to . This has just brought everything back. In a way it shouldn't make a difference as they're living together but it's the thought of their smugness and his family and friends gathering for it . What do they think? Are they pitying me? Do they realise how it started etc it's excruciating . I expected it but thought it wouldn't be this quick.its like the public display , he's saying look at me , I did the right thing , the affair wasn't an affair but a love match - not I was a complete shit, I lied to my partner for months, abd didn't lift a finger to help move house. I expect they'll have a child, she's possibly pregnant now . It's these tortuous thoughts. I was happy in ignorance . I know it will pass as we've had to learn to live with everything else but I could do without knowing. In turmoil. X

Hi All

Long time no post! I’ve been thinking of posting several times over last few weeks as have been on a bit of a downer, then thought twice as thought probably not the best time to post - which I guess is stupid as this thread is here for us whether we’re in a good or bad place !

Quite a lot has been going on last few months. Probably sounds daft but I chose to come off my anti depressants. Even though may seem like a strange time to do it (as I’ve been on them for years) - I just wanted to find out what the “real me” was like, without any medication even though they have been a life saver.

It’s been a rough road, found the withdrawal effects hard even though i did it gradually. But I’m coming out the other side now and I’m proud of getting through it - without giving in and going back on them. Still got a way to go and need to make sure I keep busy and use my alternative ways to curb my anxiety (ie exercise and taking time out).

Things are mostly same regarding ex. I’m still in house and managing financially, chipping away at the debt so hopefully if I can keep this going for another few years we will be in a good position.

My relationship with my ex in laws is still good, very good in fact and I will always be grateful for that as they have never changed how they treat me - in fact if anything they have sympathised with me more !

Both kids are doing well - youngest still sees his Dad regularly and they are very close. Eldest sees him less but think that is due to his age (17) and being busy rather than any issues.

I still have problems dealing with ex’s girlfriend and my kids. Eldest doesn’t see her really I don’t think but youngest does - in fact last few days they helped her move into another house (not with ex, looks like they still live separately) and I just find it so hard to deal with that my son has this whole other life with his dad and his gf that is never discussed with me. I know he doesnt mention her to me as he probably doesn’t feel comfortable and doesn’t want to upset me, but on the other hand I hate that he probably has to hold back on talking about something If it involves her. I worry if will cause him emotional issues in future as he is effectively living two lives.

It’s such a hard situation, I hate that there is any topic my son can’t talk to me about but on the other hand not sure how comfortable I’d feel about talking about things they do together either.

I guess I just thought after this length of time (18 months and ex’s gf has been in picture from day 1) that I’d be handling it better. Sounds childish, but I just feel so jealous of any “mother figure” that may come into my children’s lives. Even though I have no evidence that she is attempting to be a substitute mother to them.

Plus I’ve been unwell lately (nothing serious) which always impacts on my mental health as it stops me being as active as I need to be. Just feel in a bit of a rut really.

How are we all doing ? It’s such a rollercoaster isn’t it ?

Take care