Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

Oh @bookvan I'm so sorry for what he's being like.
My OH has just got in, needed a £40 taxi as he's missed the train because he was having such a good time - but can't afford to pay a £50 relate session.

@Bookvan They're full of lovely surprises aren't they. It makes me wonder how much of the nice partners we thought we had were a lie. How is it possible for someone to change so completely? You have all my sympathy - sounds like he is behaving appallingly.

You have inspired me to make some moves towards getting some counselling. There is a free service via my employer so I have made initial contact. I don't know if it will be any good or not but seemed like a place to start.

My ex has decided that now would be a good time for our kids to meet his OW and her kids (they do know each other vaguely but this would be the first time since it all happened). I am sure he has already started rewriting me as the enemy who is trying to stand in the way of his new life and 'blended family'. He thinks 3 weeks is plenty of time for the kids to have got over having their worlds torn apart and that they are fine with it all. DS 1 (14) hasn't wanted to see his dad the last two times it has been arranged. I am torn between gently encouraging him, as it is so important for them to have a good relationship, and trying to respect his feelings and giving him a little space. DS2 (12) is putting a good face on and outwardly seems pretty ok, but has crept into my bed in the middle of the night every night since DH left because he keeps 'waking up and worrying'. I can't see that that is a good time to introduce new people into the mix but also realise that there is little I am going to be able to do to stop it. I can't believe what a crap father he is being.

I keep hearing that him and his OW are out pretty much every night, marking their territory round our small village. They seem to be perpetually pissed and snogging like teenagers in the pub. He's a 48 year father of two! I can't believe what a twat he is being. It's like he is two different people and I can't put those people together in my head.

On a more positive note though I am actually feeling pretty ok. I don't miss him as much as I thought I would - looking back he has been detaching from the family for a while. He had joined so many local committees and other community stuff that he was barely here in the evenings anyway. I thought I was supporting him to do positive stuff for the village,, when really I was supporting him to leave. Small positives have already started appearing - the house is a much more relaxed and calm place. It's weird because I would have never thought he was a negative presence but now he's gone everything seems much easier. I am also making stronger links with friends I haven't seen or been in touch with much lately, which is really lovely.

Sorry - that was soooo long! I am not wasting energy saying anything to him that is not about kids or money so might rant with the stuff I would like to say to him but won't on here. Please don't anyone feel they have to read.

@diskdrive I do exactly the same as you put everything down here or on a thread I started myself just so I dump it out of my own head & to see what others think too.

I don't think they've changed completely at all, I just think I'm finally seeing what was in front of me for years.

@Whatdyknow he's showing you where his priorities lie & it's not in saving your relationship

The only good thing to come out of our relationship ending is he's stepping up & being a dad finally, except this week he went to work instead of seeing ds off to his first day of school

diskdrive I agree with everything you said, rewriting history, casting us as the bad guys, there's a different side that I've never seen and he seems to be a bit of a twat.
What do your dcs think about meeting her? They don't sound like they're ready, but I guess if you tell your ex that, you end up looking like the bad guy again. Mine let my 3 year old meet her after a few weeks. So that was fun when he told me 'daddy hold hands with ***'

The atmosphere at home is terrible. When I was weepy and tearful, he was telling me my reaction wasn't normal and I needed help. Now I'm angry and will only talk to him about kids or money (can't even begin to discuss his behaviour as I'll lose it and he'll know he's getting to me), and he tells me I'm rude and ignorant as I don't want to discuss new curtains or a problem with my car with him!

It still hurts that he'd rather spend time with her and her child than his own, and I'm trying to protect my dcs from the worst of it, but he practically runs out the house every evening.

I'm hoping to go out with a friend for a few drinks tonight, will be nice to escape for a few hours. Although I will do the right thing and mention to ex that I'm going out rather than just say 'right. I'll be back tomorrow' like he does.

@discdrive feel free to rant away- it's no wonder you need to.
Such a difficult situation trying to support your DCs relationship with their father for their sake long-term but when he's being so insensitive/blind to their needs.

I can really relate to the distancing from relationship for ages. My OH too is 48 and for the past couple of years has had increasing numbers of meetings after work which I've supported and sympathised with him about. At least when I think he's with her in the pub it's at a distance not just in our village though. That's an added sting for you but I'm sure people will see him for the fool he is.

My god @Bookvan that sounds tough! It seems almost like your dh has split himself into two people. How can someone want to talk about mundane house stuff (and new curtains?!?) when they know they will be spending time with another woman? I'm sorry - I have been trying to catch up on older posts but there is so much. Is there any chance you will be able to get him to leave the house anytime soon? It must be incredibly hard to even begin to move on with him around all the time.

I am trying to accept that I have no control over them meeting her. Maybe I am being over protective -I don't know. What will annoy me is that I will do all I can to make it go smoothly for the sake of the kids but he will benefit from that. If I manage to do a good job of emotionally supporting them before and after, he will assume that what he's doing is fine and acceptable and the kids are dealing with it OK. Does that make sense? He won't see or understand the work I will have to do in the background to make it ok for them. I haven't talked to them about it yet. He is away this weekend so we have been enjoying the lack of drama and being 'normal' and I don't want to interrupt that. Maybe I should gently introduce the idea?

The mental load is massive at the moment - sorting out transferring all bills to my name, getting house valuations, filling out tax credit claims,.. And then the cheeky bastard actually texted me to ask if I could get his mum a birthday card!

@bookvan. I really feel for you having him still living there like me. It feels impossible to hold onto boundaries and sanity in this situation. Homes don't work when one of you is a loving parent and the other acting like a self entitled teen.

I hope you have a lovely time tonight. Don't beat yourself up for if you say what your doing- it's because your a mother & a good person and you don't need to stoop to his level.

diskdrive I've asked him to leave a while ago, even offering to pay a deposit and a months rent, but he prefers to stay here, he can see the kids every day, see his gf most evenings and have me pay for everything. I can't see that I can do much about it. I can't legally throw him out as the house belongs to both of us.

Afternoon all hope it’s nice where you are. Pretty lovely weather here...

discdrive I read your post from this morning with sadness but it’s just so familiar this story. 3 weeks is no time at all- far too early to be “blending” families together. You’re between a rock and a hard place as you cannot control what your ex says and does, but you’re doing the right thing by just being there and showing a calm front, as much as you can. They will understand over time who was there for them, and who let them down. Hope the counselling helps for you, and I’m glad that the one positive is that you are starting to detach from your ex- when they turn into such massive self absorbed idiots, it at least makes it easier to let go. It did for me anyway.

mammy good to hear from you hope you doing ok. Have you managed to tell your dc yet? I understand how difficult this must be when you’re all still living under the same roof. Hope you’re getting some distance from your ex emotionally if nothing else. Good luck for your ds starting school.

bookvan hearing your ex say that you’re not reacting ‘normally’ and that you need ‘help’ makes me extremely fucking angry. Excuse my language but that is a crock of shit, and I had that card played at me too. Pure projection on his part, and simply an attempt by him to turn around his wrongdoing and place the blame on you. You can’t throw him out of your house, no, but you can decide to sell it and I hope you have some equity that can let you move, even if it means downsizing. Hope you enjoy the drink tonight.

I reached a bit of a milestone in that I let my ex know I harboured no bad feelings towards her anymore, and that I wished her the best for the future. It’s not really true, but in saying so, I think I’ve managed to get across that I’m not letting her or any memories invade my thoughts anymore, and that I’m only interested in the care of our ds.

Hugs all x

@Whatdyknow glad to hear you have reached out to people. If it was the other way round. You would open your door and welcome them with open arms. People want to help. Get some space between you and ex.

@Bookvan i'm angry on your behalf. How dare he treat you like that. Have you had any legal advice? Are you married? Can you start divorcing him? Get the house values. Show him you are making moves to change the situation. What is his plan long term. As for small talk. I would find a line and keep repeating it. Something along the lines of that is no longer your concern.

Sadly their priorities have changed. They come first. What they want is their priority. And they also know we as the children's mothers will not let them go without. So they have no need to step up

@diskdrive as you say you have no influence over what ex does ref the ow. And any suggestion of waiting will be met with you being bitter. I have made no issue about ow. She was at contact from day one. And the children are sleeping on the floor next to them. The children will see the situation for what it is. Yours are older. My eldest has really struggled and will vote with his feet at some point. I have not once said anything negative about ow. Sometimes I don't answer. But usually summons something neutrally suitable. The children will make up their own minds. I use to write draft e mails. Ranting. But I never sent them. Once I had decided to stop engaging with him that was it. Although I do recognise that I need to lower my defences as the children will feel the animosity. Although we have very little face to face contact. As he text from the car when he collects the kids. Suits me. Hope you didn't buy that birthday card 😮

@Lonelycrab. Glad to hear you have drawn your line in the sand. You are a much better person than me. I wouldn't piss on ex if he was on fire. (Sorry for swearing). How he has behaved toward me and the children is unforgivable. But as I have already said I know I need to make some peace with it all for the children's sake.

Had ex Mum and Dad visit for a few days. They are so lovely. And the kids have a lovely relationship with them. I hate that it will change. He is not enabling the relationship. And I am happy to keep the contact but I know further down the line it will be less appropriate. They left saying they miss me and want me to visit. Further fall out of ex decision which was 'for the best for everyone'.

We are pottering about today but want to get out for the lay two days of the holidays. So fingers crossed for some sunshine.

Eldest dc starts secondary school next week. I don't know if I should send ex picture of him in his uniform. I feel I should (although still waiting for ££ for it). But don't want him to think I want more contact with him. Or have soften in anyway. I have maintained dignified silence so far.

@diskdrive the mental load is crazy! My youngest starts full time nursery tomorrow. I don't think ex/dh (Not sure how to refer to him!) is even aware. Plus trying to get back to work, kids back to school, sort mortgage, all while keeping my head together. I really hope you didn't get that card for him.
You're right about there being nothing you can do about dcs meeting the ow, just support your dcs through it. My 3 yr old meet her after 6 weeks, he's too young to really understand but knowing my children are around her is painful.

@lonelycrab Telling your ex you have no hard feelings sounds like an amazing amount of progress! Even if it's not true, just getting to the stage where you can say that is good.

@eve34 enjoy the last few days of the holidays. I also have a dc starting yr 7, apparently he's taking the day off work to see her off, except she wants to be dropped at a friend's house and walk with her, the thought of her dad dropping her off is horrifying!

I started divorce proceedings a while ago but it never went very far. But I've emailed my solicitor to get things moving again, and asked if there's any way to get him out the house quickly. I think he'll fight it though, he has the perfect set up. Sees his kids every day, a nice house to live in without needing to pay anything, and can run off to stay with his gf whenever he feels like it. But something needs to change, he can't afford the house alone but I can (just). I wouldn't be surprised if the gf was putting pressure on him to move out, it's been 6 months and he's still living with me and showing no signs of wanting to change that. That's got to leave her feeling a bit insecure.

I'd really like to stay in the house, I think it'll be better for the dcs and I like living here. I can afford it, but he wants me to buy him out, which is the tricky part, we have a lot of equity in the house but I don't want a huge mortgage I'll struggle to afford.

He drove over to hers at around midnight last night and woke me up when he came in at 3am. So again, I'm up early with the dcs while he sleeps off whatever drama was going on last night.

@Bookvan I am speechless at his balls. To come and go so blatantly. It can't be good for you or the children. He is a poor example of a man and clearly has no regard to how his actions impact upon you and the children.

. It's good you are pushing the solicitor. I stayed in the family home. But it was mine long before ex moved in. Need to find him small amount of money in a year or two. But he is left with nothing. Which he likes to throw in my face every now and then. He thought he would continue to contribute to the mortgage and get a pay out further down the line. But there isn't much equity once you take my share from the property so made it clear that was the only option regarding the house/mortgage.

Hope the start of secondary school goes smoothly for your dc. And she gets to walk
In with her friends. My ex has no idea when school even starts. He has had nothing to do with the school side of things and had little interest before he left. And without me organising him he didn't go to any assemblies. End of year plays or sports days. I did send him the dates. I didn't do what I use to do of constantly reminding him and chasing him. I am sure it will be my fault of course.

Well we had a nice day out today. Hopefully another sunny day tomorrow. Then back to it until half term and we will get to Spain.

Hello all. Hope you are ok if I join and also up for a London meet up if it hasn't happened yet.

Quick summary. STBX husband had an affair (what a surprise!) three years ago. We tried to repair marriage but I could not forgive the betrayal and so we mutually agreed to split in jan 2018. I was fine and even went online dating. But then in July it hit me and I have crashed. I have reactive anxiety and possible depression, cry all the time, just feel awful.

It's the loss. Loss of what I thought my life was going to be, the loneliness, the responsibility for everything, the damage done to my DD14. I likened it to grief on another thread and I think my happy months were denial and now I'm in the sadness phase.

I too am surprised at how easy it is for him to move on, be happy, forget about his domestic duties and fatherly ones. But I think some men can just shed a skin and grow a new one.

Anyway major thing for me today is my DD is starting to board at her school -
Just for half a term - as we are about to exchange on the family Home and I have no where to go just yet. Didnot want DD sofa surfing so thought boarding was a best option. BUT Having been to boarding school myself I swore she never would so I feel so guilty and dreading being all on my own.

She is being brave but is nervous too and worries about me being in my own but keeps saying she doesnot want to be a nuisance and so will go. My heart is breaking x how could he and I do this to her?

Gosh that was long x we will survive is my mantra at the moment!

ginandtonic4all I went through something similar, everything was fine for 6 months after we separated then it all hit me and I had a breakdown. I can't sleep or eat, massive weight loss, panic attacks, dizziness. But I'm picking myself back up, this thread is helping loads.

A poster on another thread wrote something that resonated with me, 'have a shower, get dressed and remember who the fuck you are'
Don't know if it'll help anyone here, but I was always the one that carried on regardless, nothing phased me and I could cope with anything, so to suddenly not cope was a shock, I need to get back to being me and not this weepy, angry mess.

But I have made what feels like massive progress today. This might be a bit ranty but I really want to write it all down.
Ex was of to his gf again and I told him I thought he should stay there. He said no, as I expected, so I said him coming and going as he pleases was disrespectful, not good for the dcs, and that this situation has gone on too long and is not good for either of us.
He started bringing up the reasons for the break up, I refused to discuss it and said it was irrelevant, it just causes more hurt and it feels like it's just him telling me why I'm to blame and I refuse to accept all the blame. I just kept repeating why he needed to go, he told me to go, I said if he could afford the house then I would, he said he could afford it if I paid maintenance and had the kids whenever he worked! I did get in a little dig that if I was paying maintenance I would make damn sure I paid over the CMS minimum unlike him.
I said I suspected his gf didn't like him still living with me and he let slip that she's asked him to move in!
He said to put the house on the market and I said I'd buy him out and my solicitor would be in touch with an offer once I'd spoken to her and the bank to find out how much I could borrow.
He kept saying he wouldn't leave, so I said not to make snap decisions but to think about it and talk to his friends, gf, solicitor and let me know when he's taken the time to really think about it and the effect on all of us.
So basically I was calm, I didn't cry or shout or throw things. I got my point across and I feel sooo much better for it. Glass of wine tonight I think

@Bookvan thank you for much for sharing. It's has surprised me so much to fall apart. I too am a coper and a doer and to have this reaction is just weird. And horrid.

And well done on being so calm with ex.

Hey @bookvan. I'm so impressed by how you've handled today. You've been so strong even though I know you will have found it incredibly tough but you should be really proud of yourself. You put you and your DC first and did it with dignity. X

@Bookvan Just wanted to say I think you have been amazingly strong and I regally hope today will start to get the situation back into your control.

Hi @ginandtonic4all.
Hope your day's not been too tough.

I'm sure your DD will be fine boarding and probably even enjoy it once she's settled in. And it will be less disruptive for her than being involved in a potentially emotional house exchange.

She knows you're there for her and school will help distract her from worrying about you and let you get on with grieving when you need to.

Hope the anxiety and panic starts to settle down once these challenges are behind you. In my experience I've often been more affected when I think things should be getting better as the adrenaline eases but other things like cortisol are still raging and looking for an outlet. I'm no expert but that's been the case for me and accepting that it was chemicals looking for a way out helped me cope.

Yeah @Bookvan That is fab progress. Filter out the nonsense. He can't argue with rational. As much as he might try.

Made me smile when you said he wanted to discuss why you broke up. I remember a conversation with ex telling me how I needed to start enjoying life and have sine passion. and he was trying to mentor me? I went nuts and told him in no uncertain terms it was no longer his job to mentor me. So full of their own bullshit. I do wonder what he thinks to it all now. I know I will never know. And probably for the best. Besides he would only tell lies because he could never admit to being wrong.

It is a roller coaster. And continues to be so. There will be highs and lows. And although you feel you are making progress it is another step towards change and that is also bitter sweet. I never wanted any of this. And know there are big markers a head. Christmas. Him maybe having more children. The kids weddings and grandchildren. I really thought we would see it through together. How wrong was I. He use to be a better man than this selfish arse. 😪

You guys have made me cry. Well maybe the 2 glasses of wine have contributed!
It needed to be said, I didn't think I'd ever be able to tell him to go, we got together on my 18th birthday so my entire adult life was with him, but I think at some point survival instinct takes over. He doesn't want me. It hurts like hell but I'm not gonna beg. He has to want me because he wants me, not because I've cried so much he feels sorry for me. Remember who the fuck you are. I'm capable and competent and I can do this alone.
You lot and my rl friends have all been so supportive and helped me so much.

Just wanna echo what all the others have said Bookvan I couldn’t have put it any better. Your strength is truly inspirational to me

Morning all - can I join. I’ve finally left an abusive relationship - it’s been a year but we did continue to see each other. It is finally over. He wants to move forward with the divorce and financial settlement. It’s me who holds all the cards - it’s me that has a second property that I bought with my money (that he referred to as a shit hole) - but now he’s telling me to sell it so he can get his portion. It’s me with a higher value pension - it’s me that managed monies well and the Ex who went out and spent.
I’m angry as you can see.
He’s sent me a letter asking me to be reasonable. He wants the divorce now and I’m angry as I stayed for years hoping he’d change. I’m angry at myself..👺. I’m thinking of not rushing forward with the divorce but to make him wait. He won’t divorce me for religious reasons.
What can I do with my anger - how do we process it in a healthy way.

Welcome Imfedup and sorry you're in this situation. Loving the anger but you're right, we can't let it eat away at us.
Suggestions made to me for dealing with anger have included writing a venting letter and throwing it away, screaming somewhere secluded, and taking up boxing training.
I wish I could harness mine more so I could stand up for myself.
Ginandtonic that's so interesting about the grief stages. I'm 3 months in and feeling like I'm shifting from elation to sadness. Winter is hard for me anyways.

Evening all. Just come on as feeling very sorry for myself.

I have felt so tearful past few days. I know the situation isn't going to change. And understand it couldn't go on as it was. I just don't understand how you stop loving someone and not want to make it right. How can anyone walk away from their kids and basically turn their back on them except eow. No phone calls no contact. No interest in school things etc.

Why would you want that for your children. Being split over two homes. ( not that you have made
Any attempt to give them a home). Shared christmases and birthdays. I see example of parents working together for the greater good. I don't ever see a point in time that I could do that. He destroyed me.
Sorry for the pity party. I just seem to be right back at square one. Bet he doesn't even give me any thought at all.