Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

@Whatdyknow your actions are not making your son worried. His father is behaving very badly. He wants his cake and eat it.

Once you start getting tough it gets easier. My ex hated that I was taking control of the situation and he wasn't getting his own way. It is quite empowering. Having always agreed with him for a quiet life.

Hi all! I've not been as communicative whilst on holiday and my internet connection keeps acting up but I'm trying to catch up.

whatdyknow sorry your OH is being so awful. Absolutely set boundaries with him. Surely he can accommodate DS elsewhere rather than move in EOW. I don't see why you should get evicted or have to live with him.

My counsellor suggested I view the situation as "he's leaving but I'm staying", which means him accepting the consequences of his decisions and actions.

Having an affair or leaving a marriage means more difficult custody arrangements, loss of emotional labour spouse used to provide and having to sort out separate finances.

The sooner they realise that the better. OH was "shocked" when I handed him a box to pack up his things after he decided to move out. It's like they just expect everything to go on as normal and we will sit and wait and cry.
Well tough luck!
(Actually, I do do a lot of crying but he doesn't need to know that).

Rosiepicnic I am 😱 that your OH tried to get off with a neighbour who had just had a baby. WTAF is wrong with some men? How awful and cringeworthy for you to have to speak to her about it. That is vile behaviour.
I had a neigbour turned stalker who tried to proposition me shortly after I'd had DD via a coded "loveletter" that said he was watching me.
I called the police!

Lonelycrab I'm so pleased your date went well. You always come across as so sensitive and thoughtful in your posts, so I'm not surprised you've still "got it"! Inner beauty shines through.

Eve34 your reply about the different types of love made me teary. I had nearly the exact conversation with DH when he told me he "loved" OW. Sorry, the thrill they had can never compare to the commitment, love and dedication we had over 14 years of getting through life together and having children.

I loved him so much and he took me for granted and shat all over that love. I doubt he'll ever have the kind of love I had for him again because he seems to have lost the ability to recognise or appreciate it.
And breathe. Sorry, done my vent for today.
Crumpets so pleased you're up for a meet up. And I am also happy to do a kitty.

Thanks for messages.
Got a drs appt this PM. Not sure what they can do for me but I just need to get it out somewhere.
I'm just so weak and pathetic. I've wasted my whole life on him and can't even remember why I'm worth more.

whatdyknow well done on going to the GP. Mine was super helpful and empathetic so if yours isn't then try to find another doctor.
Recognising that you need help and support is a sign strength and a first step in the determination to value yourself and your needs.
It's amazing how a situation like this can rock our confidence but you have the inner strength to get through!
I'm so angry on your behalf that he's made you feel this way.
I think you'll find when you can separate that actually he was sapping your strength and you are much better and stronger on your own.
You deserve so much better!!!!
Baby steps for now and massive hugs!

Hang in there whatdy. I’d echo what eve said above- don’t think it’s your fault for the confusion your ds is feeling. It’s just not the case.

I hope your gp can help in some way. I had a run of counselling (nice one eve for putting me on to them) and it did help. These first few weeks are really rough but sprite is right- you will get through this. I too was wondering where my life had gone after 12 years together, but you will rediscover yourself; I realised just how much the relationship I was in had robbed me of myself. One subconsciously accommodates all sorts of crap when in an unhappy relationship and realising how important your own feelings are is a big step forward. You have every right to feel awful as you have been treated awfully.

sprite thank you so much for your kind words, that’s a lovely thing to say. I’m still waiting to exchange contracts on the sale of our house but it really has to be a matter of days now (crosses fingers) and then my new life will hopefully start and the limbo will be over. Hugs all

I've found you! I posted on the old thread when my marriage (and world) fell apart a couple of weeks ago and you were all so lovely. Got a bit lost the last week or so and haven't posted but hoping I can still join you. Am still catching up with posts and peoples stories but it's weird how many common themes there seem to be and how much resonates. Do some people just think it's Ok to treat people they have spent years of their lives with so thoughtlessly?!

Hi everyone,
@diskdrive yes I'd noticed the common themes too
@whatdyknow I hope the Dr is helpful. It's good that you're seeking help. It's the first step to feeling better

I saw a counsellor today, she was very helpful. I tried to be neutral, and explained why I felt I was partially to blame for the break up. She completely got why I felt like I did, and pointed out that dh is stomping all over me. He does whatever the hell he likes, doesn't pay what he agreed, comes and goes as he pleases, and sulks because my depression is making him feel bad.
She said I was capable in every other area of my life, so why am I letting him walk all over me? In fact the only thing I've asked of him is not to use the shower in the en suite while I'm asleep, and he won't even do that.
I'm still not feeling strong enough to confront him about all this, but I'm getting there.
Although I suspect things aren't great with the gf. They got back from their hol 2 weeks ago and as far as I can tell, he's only seen her once and he's stomping around in a fucking terrible mood.

Oh wow, Lonelycrab that is a big change. It's so great that you can look on it with excitement and a sense of opportunity.
Yes, it is definitely the beginning of a new life.
Funny, being on holiday has been lovely but has also made me appreciate my life including my kids and lovely friends. I am determined to make my life happy and fulfilled regardless of his actions.

@Bookvan and @Whatdyknow - Just reading back through your latest posts - can't imagine how hard it must be sharing a house with your exes still.

@Bookvan your counsellor sounds great.

Sorry - don't know what happened with the bold there!

Bookvan your counsellor sounds very wise. It takes time to put these things in action but you can and will stand up for yourself when you're ready.
Diskdrive glad you found us. I have found this thread so helpful and inspiring.
I don't know what's wrong with some people either. But at least we are growing and learning whilst OHs don't seem to self-reflect in the least.

I fully believe in karma and if someone is miserable and willing to blame all their misery on the person who loves them most then they will never be happy!

Can I get opinions on this?
I initiated the divorce a while ago, didn't go far with it but my solicitor petitioned for th to cover my costs. We agreed between us that I'd cover my own costs, although I never told my solicitor that.
But could I use that as leverage to get him to move out? I cover my own costs if he's gone in 2 weeks time? Would that be an awful thing to do? I can't move on while he's here, he's adamant we'll never sort things out. I feel like I need to take back control and push things along.

So glad I found this thread & thanks to everyone for being so supportive.
So major meltdown most of last night, which I involved OH in as I felt so desperate I needed my old friend to cry on. Then booked drs appt to try and kick start something but unfortunately appt didn't happen ( weird system here where they just call you but the time they did was when I was in car with DS so couldn't take the call).
So upshot of helping me last night means of course OH is now being really hard and angry with me- obviously made him feel bad.
Also he got on train from work to find one of my friends there. I can't help wondering if she saw him with OW at the station as I know she was giving him lifts before DD. Seeing friend this weekend.
Got myself some nytol to try and get some sleep.

Whatdyknow that's really shit. One of the hardest things for me has been realising that the person I loved and trusted the most can no longer support me or listen to my hurt because he's the one inflicting the pain!
For someone to do this sort of thing they have to carry out a massive amount of emotional compartmentalisation and self-absorption. So basically, they don't give a shit about our pain and as you say, it only makes them feel guilty and therefore defensive.

Cry to your pillow, or a journal or a friend on the phone but not to him. Sad but true and I know it's so easy to cave and want them to act normally (respectably) again. But they won't.

Are you concerned about your friend seeing DH with OW because you haven't told her yet? My policy was "it's his shame, not mine" and I basically told everyone! But most people are more reserved I think and you should do what feels right.

Bookvan that's not such a bad idea bribing him to move out. Is he complaining about money as a factor? Frankly he should have thought of these practicalities before having an affair so that's his problem, not yours. Can he just move in with his parents? Or a bedsit? Anywhere but with you.

OH lived in our basement after announcing he was leaving for a few weeks. It was torture. My heart would race everytime he came round the corner and I was sneaking around trying to avoid him.

I feel for you having to deal with that.

@Whatdyknow
I know how your life has been turned upside down. But he is not your go to person anymore. And as already mentioned it hurts like nothing else. My ex was a strong man and I always felt safe he was in my corner. (Although emotionally was useless)
I remember several conversations of him wanting to be there for me and he couldn't understand why that wasn't going to work. He caused all my pain and heartache how was he going to help me through that!

I repeatedly said my welfare is no longer your concern. He wanted to be seen as this great man being supportive to me. I was not going to be part of easing his guilt. And he hated that I wouldn't let him.

I know how hard it is to stop contact. But for your mental well being you need to. Again I told ex the only things we need to talk about are the kids and money. I want no other contact from him.

Gather people around you. They want to support you. Find your own team. Be it friends. Family. Or professional help. Show him you don't need him.

Stay strong. This will pass.

@whatdyknow I also had a meltdown a few days ago. I had so much anger, but it passes, or at least I'm finding better ways to deal with it than screaming and throwing things.
It's the worst feeling, that the person you would always go to when you're upset is no longer there, and even worse is that they are causing you to feel like that. I feel like I've lost my best friend, and I miss him.

You'll get through this. Pm me if you want

Really good advice Eve34 on contact with OH.

I'm really trying to cut down text messages and "niceties." It's easy to get sucked in when it's initially about the kids or the house but then it becomes this long winded chat and actually, that is not good for me.
He wants to be alone so he needs to really understand what that means.
It helps if I read back his mean messages to me to remind myself what a dick he's been.
Nearly done my lone holiday and I'm really looking forward to seeing my kids, and house, and friends.
DD2 starts reception next week so I can't wait to take her to school even though it's bittersweet.
Eve34 how is your DS? Any updates?

Afternoon all.

Hope everyone is keeping ok. Last week of the holidays. Both my two are very emotionally. It has been a stressful week here. But hoping we can have nice few days before school starts next week.

Not sure I can catch up with all that is going on
@Bookvan and @Whatdyknow I do really feel for you both. As you are where we all were 8 months ago. It is gut wrenching. I have already said my piece. I genuinely know how awful you are feeling. For your own well being. Please go as no contact as you can. They are not the people you remember. You will feel more in control if you can do this. Don't get drawn into discussing where things went wrong. It just leads to more heartache. And it will resolve nothing.

@Lonelycrab good to hear you are feeling positive. And fingers crossed you have news on the house very soon. And that the date went well. As already said. You have much to offer the next person.

@diskdrive they have re written history. Apparently we were in a bad place and had been for years. Blah blah blah. So my ex blamed me for letting us get to such a shit place. Nothing to do with his selfishness and bullying. But if it makes him feel better so be it.

@Bookvan good to hear your counselling sounds empowering. And gives you a safe place to work things through. I don't know why they become complete arses. I remember towards the end I would ask ex every day. To make the bed and put his dishes in the dishwasher. Rather than expecting me to clear up after him. I guess they hope if they behave badly enough we will kick them out and we will be the bad person.

@Whatdyknow please call the gp again. I was struggling on four hours sleep a night. Which just made the whole situation so much worse. I started meds which really helped.

@spritesobright hope the start of school goes smoothly. Thank you for asking after ds. His hip is not displacing. But he has a cyst growing. They want to keep an eye on things. Also want neuro scans and feel his gait and reflexes aren't as they should be. Although I put it down to his asd. But good they are checking things out. At least off crutches ready for the start of secondary school.

Hope everyone has something to look forward to this weekend

Echoing what eve said I hope everyone has something to look forward to this weekend.

Hi everyone. Hope the day's gone well.
& thanks @bookvan for the offer to PM you. I may well take you up on that & same goes to you if you want to get in touch.

So I've taken all the advice on board & have also done some RL catching up with friends back from holidays. Made me realise how run down I've let myself get.

I now have several offers of places to stay. Wanted to go tonight but DS was too freaked out at idea of a short notice sleepover that I think it'll have to wait till tomorrow.
OH gave me a call after work to say that he's out for drinks and wouldn't be late- obviously no signs yet. Says I'm making him ill. The friend who saw him on train said he looked fine whereas I really don't -helped me see the reality.
People are now primed to ring and feed me and be there for me. Feel lucky to have friends (& you guys). x

whatdyknow it's good that you have friends to help. It's horrible telling them but it helps having people who love you looking out for you.

My ex is at his gf again. Just assumes I'll be here. Financially, I'm paying everything for the house, he's paying half of what we originally agreed, which I've found out is £110 a month less than the CMS payment! So I am paying for him to live here while he's off shagging her. Angry is an understatement.

@Bookvan on your behalf

Oh @bookvan what a nightmare. When did our OHs turn into such selfish, self centred arses.
& no surprise he just expects you to be home for kids without him having to give a second thought.
Make use of that anger to plan on making him pay his due. But also try to let it go a bit tonight so you can rest. Anger's useful but so exhausting too.
Have a peaceful night- at least you won't have to tread on eggshells around him in the morning.

Place marking here. Will read for the time being.

This is the thing that's shocked me the most. His dad never paid any child support for him and he always swore no matter what happened between us, he'd never behave like his dad as it caused him so much grief growing up.

He's not who I thought he was. He was my best friend and now I feel like I don't know him at all