Hubby has had Herpes for past 12 years and I have only just found out now! What should I do??

[CazInLeith]

First time post here, the last week has just been a blur.

Hubby and I are in our mid 30s, married just over a year ago, known each other for 6 years, dated for 2 years before getting hitched, just had first baby born on 1st June (10/11 weeks old). Around a week ago I was trying to find a pen to use in hubby’s work bag and came across a stash of suspicious looking pills in a side pocket labelled ‘aciclovir 400mg’, a quick google search and I discover this is a standard retroviral medication for herpes!

Horrid 3hrs of wondering what to do whilst waiting for him to come home. Decide to confront him that same evening. He opens up and admits it straight away. I’d found out about his ‘secret’ - apparently he slept with a random 12 years ago whilst at university and contracted herpes. You can’t get rid of herpes apparently, it’s with you for life, all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)

At the moment, I’ve got him sleeping in the spare bedroom. No chance of any intimacy at the moment.

Where do we go from here?

1. I’m terrified I might have this too. Goodness knows how many times we’ve had unprotected sex whilst trying to convcieve and since getting pregnant. Getting tested for herpes isn’t simple - I’ve already seen the doctor. Some people are asymptomatic, I may have to wait years to see if I ‘flare up’ into a symptomatic phase, and even then I might not Notice I’m having an ‘active phase’ . For this reason: getting a straight answer to whether you have this horrid little STD isn’t always easy.
2. To put it simply, the doc says they can’t rule out that I don’t have it, but they also can’t say for sure if I do, because the symptoms aren’t always there as thevitus itsekf can lay dormant for months or even years between active phases or ‘flare-ups’, which if a carrier is suppressing with retro viral medication like hubby, may never even ever happen again. There are also a lot of people who have contracted this virus at some point along the way, don’t know they have it, aren’t taking any retrovirals, and don’t even notice when they have the lesions. All the doc can recommend is avoiding unprotected sex with someone you know has it, i.e. my hubby!
3. It’s very unlikely that I will have passed it onto my baby during the birth (no visible signs of any lesions on baby, and apparently these normally show up very soon after birth if this is the case. Naturally I am terrified that this may be the case and am feeling hugely guilty already in case this happens.
4. Cannot talk to ANYONE I know about this, as is hugely embarrassing, no idea who to turn to, so have ended up coming on here in the hope of finding some answers to it all.

So where do we go from here?

1. Hubby very apologetic, naturally. Lots of flowers and peace offerings happening at he moment.
2. His main excuse is: ‘he wanted to tell me at the start’ but could ‘just never find he right words’.... at start of relationship we were in a romantic patch having been good friends for 4 years before, and it never seemed to be the right time. And then, it went to engagement and the finishing straight into marriage, pregnancy, etc.
3. His main defence is ‘he knows how to manage his symptoms’, he’s been dealing with it for 12 years, he just takes this drug and that keeps it all at bay. Apparently he hasn’t had a visible ‘flare-up’ for 6 years, and that last happened when he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and forgot to take his medication with him.

Here’s my problem:

1. This totally ruins intimacy for me forever now. Even if we used protection every time from now, I can’t get it out of my head that he’s carrying an STD, and that is a major turn-off. I could probably force myself to do it, to preserve the marriage but it would be a massive undertaking, and not something I feel I could get used to.
2. Even if I could manage to get my head around the idea of protected sex, how can I ever go back to unprotected sex knowing this? This really throws ideas of an eventual 2nd child into question. Even if I did eventually build my way back up to unprotected sex again, I’d feel like I was playing Russian roulette with my own health every time.
3. Telling him all this wouldn’t be easy, would probably put him off me
4. He knows I’m angry about it all and probably thinks I will eventually calm down, but i really feel like this is putting a wedge between us that is not going to easily go away. I feel like I’ve been cheated on and lied to. Even if the ‘cheated on’ part isn’t real. His way of looking at it is that all this happened a full 6 years before I even met him, and that he’s just been terribly unlucky. After all, how many of us haven’t had a one night stand in our twenties? Unfortunately for him it’s left a lasting legacy for life.

In some ways I wish I’d never gone and looked for a pen in his bag now, my life wouldn’t be so screwed up now if I had... Am I being unreasonable?

I wouldn't leave my husband for having herpes, but I might if he didn't tell me he had herpes, even when we were trying to conceive and then managed it.

Oh, and if he dismissed a previous sexual partner as a 'slapper', presumably while considering himself a 'stud'. I'd probably become something of a literal slapper towards him at that point. Wet fish and all.

Herpes isn't the issue. Lying by omission, endangering a child and OP's sexual health, and misogynistic slurs are.

AntiVirals just made me feel a bit drunk!Which to be fair, would be fine if I actually felt like being drunk. Not so great if I was at work or doing something important!

I have come close to ending my own life because I have herpes, because of how people react. Telling my husband was the hardest thing I have ever had to do because of all the stigma and disgust about it. I still don’t know who I caught it from, they probably didn’t know they had it themselves. I take regular antivirals (not retrovirals) and l-lysine to keep it at bay, but still get sores 3/4 times a year.

I can completely understand why he has hidden it for so long. The way that people have described him, scum, abusive, cheat etc. Other similar threads where an OP discovers that her new boyfriend has herpes almost unanimously tell her to ditch him. The horror emanates out and it is hard not to feel like some sort of contaminated waste of space.

I shouldn’t have opened this thread. I feel like shit again now.

People have castigated him not for having herpes, but for not disclosing to the OP that he had herpes, do you not see that? It's bad enough that she was unknowingly risking infection, but the risk to their child is what's really upset people.

justonemorebeer same, I was a fucking mess. And I understand why he has too, I still don't think It's right, but I understand. Please don't feel like shit though. So many people have it and it is manageable. If you're still getting so many symptoms maybe change something? Do you have type 1 or 2?

theworstwife
Lots of misinformation here - OP please take it with a pinch of salt. I am a consultant in sexual health if you wanted to PM me please feel free

Please could you provide some info for all of us? i don't want to be taking away inaccurate information and some of this thread has been quite full on.

Justonemorebeer
He is scum because he risked his wife's health and disnt give her a choice. Having been given herpes would you knowingly give that to another person just because you didnt want to tell them? No.
You are a good person and clearly worth loving. If i loved someone enough herpes wouldnt put me off at all. But i should be given the right to choose, obv the risk is there will all unprotected sex, but to know, to have what you have and feel how you have felt, then deliberately pass it on and make them suffer in the same way, just to have sex, is beyond awful.
It isnt about the herpes.
Its about the lying.

@Justonemorebeer I think most people are saying, it's not the fact he has herpes it's the fact he's lied about it (for 6 years!), put his wife and child's life at risk without saying a word, called the woman who apparently gave him herpes a 'slapper', etc. If OP hadn't found that prescription today, she would probably never have known … or perhaps until her next child was born and there's a panic in the delivery room whilst Dr's race around trying to figure out what's going on with baby. What a lovely time for DH to confess, or would he?

I can completely understand why he has hidden it for so long. The way that people have described him, scum, abusive, cheat etc. Other similar threads where an OP discovers that her new boyfriend has herpes almost unanimously tell her to ditch him. The horror emanates out and it is hard not to feel like some sort of contaminated waste of space.

But it has nothing to do with the actual disease and everything to do with his behaviour to her.

The fact he has it isn't what makes him scum. You are not scum for having it. But to knowingly have it, not tell her and put her sexual health at risk and the life of the baby, that's what makes him scum.

As I said upthread, there is mental health issues with having a long term illness, as you have said too JustOneBeer. You said you have wanted to end your own life due to the disease, that's what he subjected her to without her having a choice. And that's what makes him scum, not the disease.

They suspected i had it during my last pregnancy but it was just a sore rash, and it was whilst reading that i saw the risk of viral presence in blood. I cannot quote it, but i did read it because I was so anxious, my husband had been unfaithful, i left and that was why they were concerned. I wouldnt knowingly spread misinformation about but am sure i read it.

I too would most definitely want evidence that it’s been the last 12 years and not more recent.

He described a female that he met, was attracted to and had an intimate sexual relationship with as a 'random slapper' ?? What does it make him then ??
Not sure which is worse, this, or making decisions about your health without your knowledge.
I couldnt give a stuff about the herpes - my DH told me he carried it when our relationship became serious - but if he'd said that's how he contracted it I'd have walked.

Nrtft but the medication he is taking is long term medication. Initially a 5 day course of antibiotics is given, if those don't help or if flare ups are frequent then the medication your husband is taking is given, initially for 3 months or the patient can carry on taking them for as long as they like to prevent further flare ups.

Totally understandable and I don't think you're overreacting about him not mentioning it to you but I do feel sorry for him, there probably wasn't a right time and he felt it was under control. In your shoes I'd make sure he knew how dangerous this could have been to your baby, I wouldn't end my marriage over it though.

I don't think op is over-reacting at all, in her position I'd be livid!

FYI if your sexual partner is active with herpes even a condom doesn't completely protect you.

Personally I'd be particularly livid he hadn't mentioned it pre ttc as it can have an effect on the foetus and particularly with regard to birth choices it is vital information. He's lucky your child is ok.

There's also the deception. Lying to you about something which can have serious consequences for your sexual health & child bearing is imo unforgivable.

I'd also be concerned that it's possible he has more than one sti that either he's STILL lying, or that he only got the herpes sorted as that's the only one he had symptoms of. That could include hepatitis or HIV.

It's also not just dangerous to babies but anyone immunocompromised or with certain other conditions that make them vulnerable.

And I wrote that before reading that op's mum had cancer in their first year together - ANOTHER reason he should have told you ESPECIALLY if she was immunocompromised at this time.

As for "what would I tell people if we split" it's mostly none of their business, but you could simply say he betrayed your trust.

I also agree with what peakpants said, the girl he slept with is no worse morally than he is! That he used the phrase being criticised tells a lot more about the kind of person he is too.

Not only did I ask my exh if he knew if he had any sti's before we married, but before we slept together. We were also both screened at sti clinic. So I at least DO take responsibility for my sexual health, I have done the same with all my sexual partners (asking).

I would think VERY little of a person who KNOWS they have an sti and doesn't tell sexual partners - I think it may even be an actual offence.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2011/aug/19/jail-herpes-sexually-transmitted-infection

Seems I'm right.

You need a FULL screening ASAP.

You do have to ask yourself what kind of man calls women 'slappers' and doesn't tell them he has herpes, even when they've been together 12 years, are married and have a child.

Once again, to stress: the issue is not the herpes, it's the lying by omission, risking OP's sexual health and the health of their child, coupled with the misogynistic slur. I do understand that it can be hard to find the right time to tell someone, but if you're not prepared to have that conversation then you have to walk away before you compromise someone.

Not only did I ask my exh if he knew if he had any sti's before we married, but before we slept together. We were also both screened at sti clinic. So I at least DO take responsibility for my sexual health, I have done the same with all my sexual partners (asking)

You could carry HPV or HSV and never know about it.

I'm just interested in which kind of GP surgery can provide 12 years of medical history in minutes? This takes a while to go over, check for sensitive information and discuss with a doctor, possibly request paper notes from a warehouse, print, collate etc. NHS guidelines are 40 days from request

Yea ffs op he called another woman who he clearly fancied and wanted to sleep with a random slapper and you think it’s acceptable to repeat that? I wonder at what point you became more than a slapper to him? You should have told him what a disgusting misogynist he is!

He lied by omission he didn’t even raise it when ttc or when you became pregnant and that is what is so despicable and unforgivable.

Do what you want but stop repeating your twat of a husbands mysognitsic bull shit yea?

Haven't rtft yet because some of the first responses are shocking to me. How dare anyone say she is over-reacting?!

My friend has herpes. It's very painful for her when she has a flare-up, and she was given it by a man who knew he had herpes and didn't take any measures to protect her or inform her. In fact he even tried to accuse her until another girl said he'd given it to her too. Now she has to live with it for the rest of her life. And of course she told her partner.

I think your DH has been very deceitful keeping this from you. You had the right to know. If he has passed it to you it could also be passed onto a baby during childbirth. He has been reckless with your health, and he should be ashamed of himself. I will say though, if you haven't had any sores or pain round your genital area you probably don't have it. I believe with women there is a flare-up when it's first passed on?

Whatever you decide to do, at least you are informed now. No thanks to him.

"You could carry HPV or HSV and never know about it."

Much less likely with screening and no symptoms though. And with the right attitude to sexual health.

Well there is no ‘screening’ for herpes...

They don't screen for warts (HPV obviously there are other types which they do screen for). They can't test for them. They can only see when someone has one and remove it.

Sorry about your situation JustOneBeer.

I'd have a problem with what I found out big time and the deceit involved, but I really don't want to join in with the attacking that seems to be going on here. P.S. Lots of OK men use the term 'slappers', some women too!

And yes, what Rowena said. They dont screen for herpes. Again, they can only swab when one has symptoms.