Hubby has had Herpes for past 12 years and I have only just found out now! What should I do??

[CazInLeith]

First time post here, the last week has just been a blur.

Hubby and I are in our mid 30s, married just over a year ago, known each other for 6 years, dated for 2 years before getting hitched, just had first baby born on 1st June (10/11 weeks old). Around a week ago I was trying to find a pen to use in hubby’s work bag and came across a stash of suspicious looking pills in a side pocket labelled ‘aciclovir 400mg’, a quick google search and I discover this is a standard retroviral medication for herpes!

Horrid 3hrs of wondering what to do whilst waiting for him to come home. Decide to confront him that same evening. He opens up and admits it straight away. I’d found out about his ‘secret’ - apparently he slept with a random 12 years ago whilst at university and contracted herpes. You can’t get rid of herpes apparently, it’s with you for life, all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)

At the moment, I’ve got him sleeping in the spare bedroom. No chance of any intimacy at the moment.

Where do we go from here?

1. I’m terrified I might have this too. Goodness knows how many times we’ve had unprotected sex whilst trying to convcieve and since getting pregnant. Getting tested for herpes isn’t simple - I’ve already seen the doctor. Some people are asymptomatic, I may have to wait years to see if I ‘flare up’ into a symptomatic phase, and even then I might not Notice I’m having an ‘active phase’ . For this reason: getting a straight answer to whether you have this horrid little STD isn’t always easy.
2. To put it simply, the doc says they can’t rule out that I don’t have it, but they also can’t say for sure if I do, because the symptoms aren’t always there as thevitus itsekf can lay dormant for months or even years between active phases or ‘flare-ups’, which if a carrier is suppressing with retro viral medication like hubby, may never even ever happen again. There are also a lot of people who have contracted this virus at some point along the way, don’t know they have it, aren’t taking any retrovirals, and don’t even notice when they have the lesions. All the doc can recommend is avoiding unprotected sex with someone you know has it, i.e. my hubby!
3. It’s very unlikely that I will have passed it onto my baby during the birth (no visible signs of any lesions on baby, and apparently these normally show up very soon after birth if this is the case. Naturally I am terrified that this may be the case and am feeling hugely guilty already in case this happens.
4. Cannot talk to ANYONE I know about this, as is hugely embarrassing, no idea who to turn to, so have ended up coming on here in the hope of finding some answers to it all.

So where do we go from here?

1. Hubby very apologetic, naturally. Lots of flowers and peace offerings happening at he moment.
2. His main excuse is: ‘he wanted to tell me at the start’ but could ‘just never find he right words’.... at start of relationship we were in a romantic patch having been good friends for 4 years before, and it never seemed to be the right time. And then, it went to engagement and the finishing straight into marriage, pregnancy, etc.
3. His main defence is ‘he knows how to manage his symptoms’, he’s been dealing with it for 12 years, he just takes this drug and that keeps it all at bay. Apparently he hasn’t had a visible ‘flare-up’ for 6 years, and that last happened when he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and forgot to take his medication with him.

Here’s my problem:

1. This totally ruins intimacy for me forever now. Even if we used protection every time from now, I can’t get it out of my head that he’s carrying an STD, and that is a major turn-off. I could probably force myself to do it, to preserve the marriage but it would be a massive undertaking, and not something I feel I could get used to.
2. Even if I could manage to get my head around the idea of protected sex, how can I ever go back to unprotected sex knowing this? This really throws ideas of an eventual 2nd child into question. Even if I did eventually build my way back up to unprotected sex again, I’d feel like I was playing Russian roulette with my own health every time.
3. Telling him all this wouldn’t be easy, would probably put him off me
4. He knows I’m angry about it all and probably thinks I will eventually calm down, but i really feel like this is putting a wedge between us that is not going to easily go away. I feel like I’ve been cheated on and lied to. Even if the ‘cheated on’ part isn’t real. His way of looking at it is that all this happened a full 6 years before I even met him, and that he’s just been terribly unlucky. After all, how many of us haven’t had a one night stand in our twenties? Unfortunately for him it’s left a lasting legacy for life.

In some ways I wish I’d never gone and looked for a pen in his bag now, my life wouldn’t be so screwed up now if I had... Am I being unreasonable?

I've had herpes for over 25 years and I TAKE DAiLY AcIclovir 500mg tablets to prevent new attacks, I've been taking them for 15 years. It is absolutely normal to take daily medication to suppress the virus and in my case has kept me outbreak free for years but if I don't take them for a week I will have an attack. So be prepared to believe him. Taking the drugs also helps to prevent passing the virus during asymptotic periods.

Massive overreaction. OP you quite possibly already had it before meeting your DH if he wasn’t your only sexual partner. Many many people do and never realise. If you get a breakout, then you treat it but seriously, it’s incredibky common. Loads of people on this thread who are aghast probably also unknowingly have it. You just need to avoid sex during an active breakout but often the breakouts get rarer and rarer with time.

Please just educate yourself on it.

I think the lie would be the horrible bit for me to try and deal with if I were you. That's a hefty lie to carry around. He's kind of made a rod for his own back by making it a big secret- makes it seem a bigger deal.

FWIW- Genital herpes can be really horrid- I've seen cases through work which have caused a lot of a pain and distress to sufferers. A lot of people are downplaying it in this thread but it can be a bloody horrible disease which medication does not always control.

Massive overreaction. OP you quite possibly already had it before meeting your DH if he wasn’t your only sexual partner. Many many people do and never realise.

What part of he has been taking strong medication daily for many years (getting an outbreak when he stopped for just a few weeks) do you find hard to grasp? He knew and should have told her. If anything, spreading it places a huge financial burden on the person affected. Over the years, the prescription charges will surely mount up.

He calls a woman who he chose to sleep with a "random slapper"?

He's a prince among men, isn't he?

Not read the full thread but if I found out my Dh had been deceiving me for years and knowingly could have pass on that infection to our child and still didn’t speak up- that would be a game game changer for me.

I've not read the whole thread... but after lots of reading up over past years, I've seen discussions/POVs that say that it's completely wrongly classified and should not be considered an STI. Yes, it's catching but no more so than the common cold. It hides inside your nerve endings and most people never even realise they have it, rather like shingles - it may never 'come out'. As (at least) one pp said, protection during sex isn't enough to stop transfer. As an adult it only has a mild (if socially embarrassing) effect. But for newborns it can be life threatening... so do, please, go and get some proper advice for your LO. It's only been in the past few years that this info has been available online so it's not a stretch to imagine that your DH had no idea of the possible consequences, if he's been managing it for so long. Sorry he was hiding it, but I support your reaction - shock yes, first, but then get the facts. (Everyone makes honest mistakes sometimes.)

I've name changed for this - I am a carrier of heroes. DH passed it on to me at the start of our relationship. He never knew he had it. No symptoms etc. Me on the other hand was ill for 2 months during my first outbreak.

If we split and I met someone else, I'd tell them I was a carrier of it. I'd have too. I definitely couldn't hide it.

When I was first diagnosed with it, I felt disgusting. It really put me down. It was awful. Fast forward to now, I don't even think about it. I get outbreaks every now and then but they last a couple of days and I'm not ill with them or anything, I hardly notice them tbh. It's not a big deal. I suspect this will of been the same with your dh. However he most definitely should of told you.

If you have never shown any signs of carrying it, that's good. Because it can make you feel absolutely shit if I'm honest. Also it means you don't have it.

I can't say for definite but I seem to think you can pay for a private blood test to see if you are a carrier. I could be totally wrong on this. I had one when I was in the process of being diagnosed as well as swabs. Dh wanted to know if he could be tested but they couldn't as he never had any breakouts. I'm pretty sure they told him he could pay for a private blood test but tbh there was no need. I knew I'd caught it off him. Was a shock for us both.

Just take some time to get over the shock. Herpes isn't the end of the world - it really isn't. 1 in 5 people have it. But only 1 in 5 of those know they actually have it due to the fact most never show symptoms.

I'd be more annoyed that he kept it from you. But I don't think it's worth splitting up over tbh x

Also just to add, you wouldn't necessarily get a c section if you had another baby op. They only do a c section if you have an outbreak at the very end of your pregnancy. Or have had lots of outbreaks throughout. I'm due my baby very very soon and have an elective c section booked. The main reason is due to previous c sections - the fact I have the hsv2 virus hasn't even been mentioned by my midwife, consultant, doctor etc etc even though it's on my notes and I've brought it up.

A friend of mine who had never had a break out, or a cold sore, got a private blood test and discovered she had both types.

”Apparently, when he was first diagnosed he tried telling earlier girlfriends about it prior to engaging in sexual relations and Being honest, open and upfront, but this was met with a lot of antipathy and rejection, and by 2010 he was vowing to never tell anyone until he was getting really serious with them.”

I’m just going to call attention to this again and point out that HE was the random slapper who probably infected the many women who had sex with him, not knowing he had herpes.

Fucking hell, OP. You really want this to go away and pretend it’s not a big deal.

Whoever mentioned the dates. The OP says medication from 2009 not 2011, and it will have been contracted before that.

I'm just interested in which kind of GP surgery can provide 12 years of medical history in minutes?

Those determined to find fault with the evidence.
I can get same day appointments easily if I phone up at 8:30am. I've never struggled.
Because of a long term condition I've had for several years I have needed information about my medication for other reasons. My gp can quickly search back his on screen records to find dates of when certain medication was started, and print them off. I assume he must have a search facility for key term. I've had to do this a couple of times - both times the gp did it there and then. Or I can phone the department at the hospital, and get information quickly - the appointments aren't same day here but I can still get them fairly quickly.

If you really didn't know about this at the time of your marriage and decide not to continue the relationship, you'd qualify for an annulment - www.gov.uk/how-to-annul-marriage

"You can annul a marriage for a number of reasons, such as:

it was not consummated - you have not had sex with the person you married since the wedding (does not apply for same sex couples)

you did not properly consent to the marriage - for example you were drunk or forced into it

the other person had a sexually transmitted disease when you got married

the woman was pregnant by another man when you got married

Marriages annulled for these reasons are known as ‘voidable’ marriages."

Oops posted too soon. If your DH is the main breadwinner though divorce is a better option financially.

If my DH had herpes and told me I am pretty sure I would still have been with him. Too many people are missing the point. Everyone has the right to make an informed choice if they want to sleep with someone with an STI.

It isn't about how common herpes is, or how manageable it can be. This isn't about the stigma of herpes. It is about a man who did not have enough respect for his wife or other women to be honest about it.

The fact that he decided to stop telling women he slept with that he has herpes because he was getting rejected says so much about him. He didn't give a crap about other women's health, he just cared about getting his leg over and he didn't give a shit about the consequences of that. He is disgusting.

I wouldn't even be able to look at him again. Not because he has herpes, but because he is a liar, he is reckless with other people's health, he calls women slappers and he didn't give a single thought to what would happen if you caught it, especially when you were pregnant.

Herpes is nothing to be ashamed of, but his behaviour around it certainly is.

I still don't believe him about the daily tablets. If his medical records show that I'd think they were fake.

I don't think it's so easy to catch. I'm pretty sure he has to have a current outbreak for it to be passed on? I get coldsores, my DH of 10 years has never had one.

@dreaming174 no that's not the case. When you have an outbreak, it is more easy to catch. That's 100% accurate. You should never sleep with someone during an outbreak is the risk is higher. But you can catch it at anytime. Condoms also help to stop it but they don't necessarily prevent it either. Nothing does. That's why so many people have it.

It can be caught at any time wether they are having an outbreak or not. My dh passed it on to me, he has never had an outbreak. No sores, nothing. I was different and was bed ridden for 2 months during my first outbreak. Everyone is different.

So many people have it but have no idea. Outbreak or not, you can catch it whenever unfortunately

So he told earlier girlfriends the truth, giving them the knowledge and opportunity to make a decision on continuing a relationship with him, but he denied you that choice.

They made a decision with critical information.

Knowledge is power. You had no knowledge...He did.

If you can get passed that...good luck. I couldn't.

I don't have to tell people why I'm getting divorced. Id likely tell my family thst he withheld a medical condition and if I'd known about it, I wouldn't have married him.

I agree it would be embarrassing, but taking away my decision by withholding that information would be on my mind constantly.

Our intimacy wouldn't be the same and I feel is bring it up in future unrelated arguments.

That wouldn't be good for either of us.

Honesty is the best policy Especially when you could piss a health risk to someone else.

The trust would be gone.

Slightly similar situation..my BIL withheld a genetic condition he holds that could be passed onto a child.

He did it because Dsis *would not have married him knowing that.

She has the same condition, so to avoid any DC of hers having it...She needed a father without it.

She was furious on discovering whike pregnant he has it, as he had to get tested at that point.

She's had to terminate one of her pregnancies as a result following prenatal testing.

It nearly ended their marriage.
The difference for Dsis..is it wasn't a risk to her health.... but he lied only confessing later, thus removing her ability to make an informed decision.

Dreaming, your DH is more than likely a carrier from you. You don’t necessarily have an outbreak in such a scheduled fashion.

The OP very much focused on her disgust at the STD so a lot of people are responding to that. Subsequent comments about the DHs behaviour and lying are a separate issue to the actual STD and are pretty horrific. He really doesn’t sound like a great person.

I have herpes (as do many people I’ve spoken to about it, probably way more have never mentioned it or don’t know they have it) and I’m not sure I would have thought to mention it to a new partner to be honest. It’s been 10 yrs since I’ve had an outbreak and it’s just not on my radar. I’ve been with the same person this whole time (who likely gave it to me but has never had an obvious outbreak themselves) so has never cropped up but it’s not something I think about with being outbreak free for so long. I’ve had 4 babies in that time and did think to mention it for my notes but it’s never been an issue beyond ‘keep an eye close to labour and let us know if you have any signs of outbreak’. No major concern.

Op I am sorry this has happened to you and it must have been quite a shock. I think your first post shows the level of shock. Your subsequent posts suggests you are beginning to digest and look at options.

I would go with your dh to an appointment. Have some questions answered.

What are the risks to you?
What are the risks to your son (subsequent babies?)
What are the risks to your dh to be on such long term medication?
More general information so you can make some informed choices moving forward.

I would also be asking about counseling This is a big thing for you and if your partnership is to continue you need a different way forward. How to find that you likely will need support to get through.

At the end of it you can find out what you want to do. By making an informed choice and giving you the facts. If you want to stay with him or want to part make the decisions based on knowing you have done what you feel you was the right thing.

I have Herpes type 2, the genital one. I was horrified and disgusted with myself when I found out after experiencing really painful symptoms. My b/f was tested negative but was told that it wasn't entirely 100% as he wasn't showing symptoms. To cut a long story short, we carried on not using protection, hasn't put him off at all. I have even told previous partners and they are ok about it. We accept we will never know who gave it to who and one day he might show symptoms. I think after the initial shock, life carries on. I'm lucky in that I've only had the one flare up and I don't take daily anti-virals.
I think the big issue for OP is that he put his child's life at risk, I could not forgive that. And sod what you tell people why you split up! Make something up ffs. He lied by omission. What else could he be lying about? I couldn't trust him again. Oh, and also, he thinks it's a big deal, enough to take antivirals for all those years!!

I am of the opinion that if you get married you have a responsibility to tell your spouse about any lifelong physical condition you have - especially a contagious one! I don't think I could get over this, purely for the risk to our baby/babies.

My now husband gave me herpes when I first met him. I had regular flare ups so went to a herpes specialist who said I had that option of staying in the meds for 18 months to stop the flare ups but 18 months on the meds was enough. I would be worried about your hubbies health if he’s been on these meds for 12 years constantly. They are not be good for him - or is he hiddening some other illness? Or did he just mean he’s been taking it on and off for 12 years? Herpes in itself is not a huge deal - except if you have the virus and it’s active during birth and you need to stay away from kissing small babies. But it’s very unfair of him not to tell you before you had unprotected sex. A blood test will tell you if you have herpes in your system. Remember though that someone people have the sexually transmitted herpes on their mouth - so if you have ever had a cold sore on your mouth you might have had this is your system already. I had a one cold sore on my mouth 40 years ago as a child and it showed in my blood I had both herpes viruses. I’ve never had a mouth cold sore since and stopped getting them down below after the first year.

'm just interested in which kind of GP surgery can provide 12 years of medical history in minutes?

Especially as it takes time to get hold of medical histories from surgeries when applying for PIP.