Hubby has had Herpes for past 12 years and I have only just found out now! What should I do??

[CazInLeith]

First time post here, the last week has just been a blur.

Hubby and I are in our mid 30s, married just over a year ago, known each other for 6 years, dated for 2 years before getting hitched, just had first baby born on 1st June (10/11 weeks old). Around a week ago I was trying to find a pen to use in hubby’s work bag and came across a stash of suspicious looking pills in a side pocket labelled ‘aciclovir 400mg’, a quick google search and I discover this is a standard retroviral medication for herpes!

Horrid 3hrs of wondering what to do whilst waiting for him to come home. Decide to confront him that same evening. He opens up and admits it straight away. I’d found out about his ‘secret’ - apparently he slept with a random 12 years ago whilst at university and contracted herpes. You can’t get rid of herpes apparently, it’s with you for life, all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)

At the moment, I’ve got him sleeping in the spare bedroom. No chance of any intimacy at the moment.

Where do we go from here?

1. I’m terrified I might have this too. Goodness knows how many times we’ve had unprotected sex whilst trying to convcieve and since getting pregnant. Getting tested for herpes isn’t simple - I’ve already seen the doctor. Some people are asymptomatic, I may have to wait years to see if I ‘flare up’ into a symptomatic phase, and even then I might not Notice I’m having an ‘active phase’ . For this reason: getting a straight answer to whether you have this horrid little STD isn’t always easy.
2. To put it simply, the doc says they can’t rule out that I don’t have it, but they also can’t say for sure if I do, because the symptoms aren’t always there as thevitus itsekf can lay dormant for months or even years between active phases or ‘flare-ups’, which if a carrier is suppressing with retro viral medication like hubby, may never even ever happen again. There are also a lot of people who have contracted this virus at some point along the way, don’t know they have it, aren’t taking any retrovirals, and don’t even notice when they have the lesions. All the doc can recommend is avoiding unprotected sex with someone you know has it, i.e. my hubby!
3. It’s very unlikely that I will have passed it onto my baby during the birth (no visible signs of any lesions on baby, and apparently these normally show up very soon after birth if this is the case. Naturally I am terrified that this may be the case and am feeling hugely guilty already in case this happens.
4. Cannot talk to ANYONE I know about this, as is hugely embarrassing, no idea who to turn to, so have ended up coming on here in the hope of finding some answers to it all.

So where do we go from here?

1. Hubby very apologetic, naturally. Lots of flowers and peace offerings happening at he moment.
2. His main excuse is: ‘he wanted to tell me at the start’ but could ‘just never find he right words’.... at start of relationship we were in a romantic patch having been good friends for 4 years before, and it never seemed to be the right time. And then, it went to engagement and the finishing straight into marriage, pregnancy, etc.
3. His main defence is ‘he knows how to manage his symptoms’, he’s been dealing with it for 12 years, he just takes this drug and that keeps it all at bay. Apparently he hasn’t had a visible ‘flare-up’ for 6 years, and that last happened when he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and forgot to take his medication with him.

Here’s my problem:

1. This totally ruins intimacy for me forever now. Even if we used protection every time from now, I can’t get it out of my head that he’s carrying an STD, and that is a major turn-off. I could probably force myself to do it, to preserve the marriage but it would be a massive undertaking, and not something I feel I could get used to.
2. Even if I could manage to get my head around the idea of protected sex, how can I ever go back to unprotected sex knowing this? This really throws ideas of an eventual 2nd child into question. Even if I did eventually build my way back up to unprotected sex again, I’d feel like I was playing Russian roulette with my own health every time.
3. Telling him all this wouldn’t be easy, would probably put him off me
4. He knows I’m angry about it all and probably thinks I will eventually calm down, but i really feel like this is putting a wedge between us that is not going to easily go away. I feel like I’ve been cheated on and lied to. Even if the ‘cheated on’ part isn’t real. His way of looking at it is that all this happened a full 6 years before I even met him, and that he’s just been terribly unlucky. After all, how many of us haven’t had a one night stand in our twenties? Unfortunately for him it’s left a lasting legacy for life.

In some ways I wish I’d never gone and looked for a pen in his bag now, my life wouldn’t be so screwed up now if I had... Am I being unreasonable?

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2011/aug/19/jail-herpes-sexually-transmitted-infection

so yeah... it is considered assault and probably even more so if the health of your child was factored in

Unfortunately some women are so grateful that men only call OTHER women slappers that they take this as a form of compliment.
The fact he dipped his nob in another woman despite thinking she was a dirty slapper, then dipped it in you, who presumably he thought better of, demonstrates a consistent hatred of all women and dismissal of their worth, health and respect.
He's a dick.

@Thingsdogetbetter

As someone with herpes I think you're under reacting. He took your choice to use condoms away, seriously endangered your dc' s life and hid this for 12 fucking years. He's been hiding visits to the doctor, repeat prescriptions.

Medication stops outbreaks, but it is still contagious between out breaks. His embarrassment and inability to find the 'right' moment trumped your right to know, so cowardly and selfish. What would have happened if you had symptoms. Would he have fessed up then? Bit late.

If your baby had contracted and been in real danger when little then the doctors would have faffed around trying to diagnose, when he already knew. Would he have stepped up then and admitted it? Does he have any idea how dangerous herpes is to infants??

Still reading thread but thank god for your post. Jesus fucking CHRIST! Overreacting? I'd have gone full on MENTAL on him. Seriously. I'm sorry you have it @Thingsdogetbetter, from what I know it's a horrible thing to have; mainly emotionally as far as I can imagine. I hope your outbreaks are minimal

OP you stated in your last post you don’t have it. The only reliable test is a blood test.

onetimeposter
“Unfortunately some women are so grateful that men only call OTHER women slappers that they take this as a form of compliment.”
Sadly I think you’re right

OP have you been to a sexual health clinic or just your GP? You should go to a clinic if you haven’t already. Talk to the experts and get the blood test PPs have mentioned.

There is no blood test on the nhs

I've been with my DP for six years and it only came up randomly in conversation the other day that I have an under active thyroid and have been taking medication for ten years

I wasn't hiding it - it just never seemed worth mentioning. So it's perfectly possible to live with someone and not know their medical stuff.

That said, your husband has lied and I think what he's done is awful.

Growing up, my dad always got coldsore outbreaks. Maybe one or two a year. He was always religiously careful about not kissing us/sharing cups or cutlery etc when he had an active outbreak. Neither my mam, my sister or I ever had an outbreak.

I'm now married, and my wife gets coldsores. The first time I remember her having them is during the holiday during which she proposed, on her mouth, nose and in her ear. Heat and stress are major aggrivating factors for her. For the first two years of our relationship, she was getting 1-2 outbreaks a month. We were again careful about contact, but not excessively so. We still had an active sex life, oral sex (two women, both ways), I kiss her without concern providing there are no active sores.

As the outbreaks got more frequent due to some stressful stuff we went through, she got more bothered by them. I researched and found acyclovir recommended online. I ordered her a 3 month supply from the superdrug online pharmacy, we had to fill out a suitability questionnaire to be assessed by their doctor and they had options for short term outbreak courses or long term suppression therapy. We chose the long term, and paid for the medication. She's now been on them just under a year, had one small outbreak at the beginning which lasted half the time of a normal one and didn't spread, and nothing at all since, even through work stress and holidays abroad. I still haven't had an outbreak.

Obviously when we have children I will discuss this with the nurses so they can test me properly, but for now, I'm not concerned. Seeing how much happier she is now she isn't getting coldsores every other week is incredible and we are happy to pay so that someone else who can't afford to can get them prescribed. My concern wouldn't be that your husband has the herpes virus, he is doing everything he can to manage that, supervised by his doctors. My issue would be not telling you, but I can understand why he would be scared to, there is a lot of misinformation about the virus spread around and after a while I would imagine it only got harder to tell you. I would be sad if my wife felt she couldn't talk to me about this.

I think you’re hugely overreacting.

If you read into herpes, something like 80% of the worlds population has it in some form. It is just cold sores, would you feel so turned off by him if he had oral herpes??

You most likely do have it but you haven’t shown symptoms, this is how it is for most people. The majority will have it but do not have an outbreak. So... you’re likely already infected, literally no point freaking out about it now.

Also worth noting that ANYONE can catch herpes whether you’ve slept with one person or twenty. And you can catch it with a condom on so it’s not always from unprotected sex.

It’s very, very common. Read up on it. It’s nothing to be ashamed of at all.

If your baby had contracted and been in real danger when little then the doctors would have faffed around trying to diagnose, when he already knew. Would he have stepped up then and admitted it? Does he have any idea how dangerous herpes is to infants??

This is exactly what I was thinking.

Seriously OP, what he's done is absolutely shocking and a form of abuse to you. He could've knowingly endangered yours and your childs health and life.

It's no small thing, he's really scum.

For all those people who say that herpes isn't as bad as HIV. I'd happily sleep with a partner who informs me that they have HIV, lets me see his latest blood test and takes precautions if his viral load isn't zero. That person respects my feelings about STI's and practises safe sex. I'd feel safe with a partner like that.

I would have a MASSIVE problem with someone with herpes who lies about it. It means that their feelings trump yours and to me it isn't informed consent if you're not informed about potential STI's.

My marriage would be over.

He lied to you for years and put your child at risk. I don't give a crap about how 'scared' he was of telling you, that's a bullshit excuse. I wouldn't like the idea of having to tell a partner I hypothetically had herpes but hell would freeze over before I lied about it to the person I was having children with.

He had no right to keep that from you. I could not get over it.

The people who think it is no big deal need to set their bar much higher.

I am sorry OP

I've been with my DP for six years and it only came up randomly in conversation the other day that I have an under active thyroid and have been taking medication for ten years

I wasn't hiding it - it just never seemed worth mentioning. So it's perfectly possible to live with someone and not know their medical stuff

Hardly the same thing. Your partner isn't at risk from catching an underactive thyroid off you!

@adayatthebeach She knew when she was having an outbreak, it was very painful. Maybe not the same for everyone though, and as time goes on I think the outbreaks aren't as bad.

It doesn’t pass to the fetus through the blood stream, what a bizarre notion . It is only dangerous to a fetus if the Mother is having an active outbreak at the time of delivery...

Gosh, some uninformed nonsense on here.

Divorce the fucker.

Take the point about the ‘random slapper’ remark, but it was how he termed the liaison when he explained it to me, his language not mine.

Ugh. He lies to you, put your child at risk and is a misogynistic arse too.

I was perhaps sympathetic to a degree until the "random slapper" comment.

What makes him (or you) think he's any less of a slapper than the person he contracted it from?

But seriously, how many of you have actually directly asked your spouses if they carried any asymptomatic latent STIs before you married them. It is not unreasonable to think that they would have told you if they did have them, and I don’t think it makes me naïve for not asking or suspecting.

In this day and age you have to ask your sex partner if they have STD, when were they last tested, etc. I thought that was standard. Most single people I know get tested every 6 months or so. My (now) DH and I both got tested before we started sleeping together and again before we got married. We both showed each other our results. (Neither of us have an STD.)

I've had two friends who suddenly became very ill. Went to GP, both ended up with STDs. How was that possible, one had been married for 12 years, the other had been in a 3 year relationship. Turns out, both men had been cheating. One with prostitutes, one with someone in her office!

I think if I met a man, I fell in love, can see a future with him, then he tells me 'I have an STD, are you ok with that?' I would appreciate his honesty and openness and the idea that we were able to talk about anything and he clearly loves me enough to tell me this and give me a choice. I would probably stay with him, find a way to work around it. The fact your DH has lied to you, whatever his excuse is, it's just wrong. I don't think I could get past that. But this is your marriage, your choice. You need to decide for yourself.

If I divorced him over this, people are going to ask why. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to tell people the truth there. Even close ones. I think I’d look like a bit of a heartless cow.

A: I wouldn't care what someone else thought. B: My friends have told me, 'DH/P gave me an STD, I'm LTB!' And I thought, yeah, I probably would too! I didn't think they were heartless cows. A real friend would stick with you and support you through a divorce, whatever your reasons.

And if my son ever found out the real reason (as he surely might when he’s old enough). I’m pretty sure the excuse ‘I divorced your dad because I discovered shortly after you were born hat he caught herpes 6 years before I even met him, and no, you don’t have it and neither do I’ wouldn’t really wash.

'Son, daddy lied to mummy for 6 years and risked both our health. Mummy couldn't cope with the deceit and betrayal. She felt she could no longer trust him, so she did what she thought was best for you and herself at the time.' or God forbid the worst case scenario 'Son, you and I have an STD for the rest of our lives because daddy lied to mummy for 6 years and put our health at risk. I couldn't trust him anymore, so I left.' Washes to me.

I'd be mad, and upset and grossed out. But I think it's the kind of secret that's kind of understandable... when it gets Past a certain amount of time it's always the same amount of lie so he just couldn't come out with it. Plus, he probably bought you may think like some others if he told you and think it was recent.

I would speak to a doctor to find out more about risks and details, but I couldn't leave him for it.

I'm a 'random slapper' too.

Some facts;

1)I haven't read the whole thread. But OP, is it type 1 or 2? There's a HUGE difference in terms of strength of virus, symptoms, frequency of such, medication effects and how contagious the virus is.
2)People banging on about unprotected sex, skin to skin contact can expose herpes. asymptomatic shedding occurs even when an outbreak isn't present. Inshort, you can't protect yourself from exposure unless you don't only never have sex, but never touch genitals naked.
3)I have had type 1 for 8 years. I've had several partners since then. Ive never not been honest . I've also never infected anyone.
4) There isn't a test for it unless one has a swab of an outbreak
5)IF you've ever had a coldsore, you're pretty much immune to type 1. You can also catch type 2 on the mouth. Same.
6) L-lysine in my experience as well as many others I've spoken to, is a much more effective 'treatment' than antivirals and doesn't have the side effects.

You haven't offended me OP, with the 'random slapper' comment but it was rather ignorant. Anyone whos ever had sex, oral sex, or other sexual activities involving 'bumping uglies' is a slapper then. Ignorant but I understand you're under stress.

TO add to 2, oral sex with someone who's either had a coldsore (ever!) or has the virus but hasn't had one, also exposes one to herpes.

Goodness, OP, he calls women 'slappers', exposed you and your child to herpes and never found the right time to tell you in 12 years despite vowing to himself that he would come clean about it once a relationship was serious.

I'm green with something, but it's not envy.

Agreed with bitchbadgerplease.

The misinformation on this thread is diabolical. Coldsores are oral herpes, do you judge people and deem them as ‘slappers’ for that? Nope. Would you leave your DH if you found out he had oral herpes? Probably not so why is this any different? It’s literally the same infection.

He’s obviously felt ashamed of it in some way hence never being able to tell you. The side effect list someone posted is just nonsensical, there’s similar side effects from OTC painkillers.