Hubby has had Herpes for past 12 years and I have only just found out now! What should I do??

[CazInLeith]

First time post here, the last week has just been a blur.

Hubby and I are in our mid 30s, married just over a year ago, known each other for 6 years, dated for 2 years before getting hitched, just had first baby born on 1st June (10/11 weeks old). Around a week ago I was trying to find a pen to use in hubby’s work bag and came across a stash of suspicious looking pills in a side pocket labelled ‘aciclovir 400mg’, a quick google search and I discover this is a standard retroviral medication for herpes!

Horrid 3hrs of wondering what to do whilst waiting for him to come home. Decide to confront him that same evening. He opens up and admits it straight away. I’d found out about his ‘secret’ - apparently he slept with a random 12 years ago whilst at university and contracted herpes. You can’t get rid of herpes apparently, it’s with you for life, all you can do is manage the symptoms by taking long term medication. And apparently he’s been secretly taking this medication every day for the past 12 years(!)

At the moment, I’ve got him sleeping in the spare bedroom. No chance of any intimacy at the moment.

Where do we go from here?

1. I’m terrified I might have this too. Goodness knows how many times we’ve had unprotected sex whilst trying to convcieve and since getting pregnant. Getting tested for herpes isn’t simple - I’ve already seen the doctor. Some people are asymptomatic, I may have to wait years to see if I ‘flare up’ into a symptomatic phase, and even then I might not Notice I’m having an ‘active phase’ . For this reason: getting a straight answer to whether you have this horrid little STD isn’t always easy.
2. To put it simply, the doc says they can’t rule out that I don’t have it, but they also can’t say for sure if I do, because the symptoms aren’t always there as thevitus itsekf can lay dormant for months or even years between active phases or ‘flare-ups’, which if a carrier is suppressing with retro viral medication like hubby, may never even ever happen again. There are also a lot of people who have contracted this virus at some point along the way, don’t know they have it, aren’t taking any retrovirals, and don’t even notice when they have the lesions. All the doc can recommend is avoiding unprotected sex with someone you know has it, i.e. my hubby!
3. It’s very unlikely that I will have passed it onto my baby during the birth (no visible signs of any lesions on baby, and apparently these normally show up very soon after birth if this is the case. Naturally I am terrified that this may be the case and am feeling hugely guilty already in case this happens.
4. Cannot talk to ANYONE I know about this, as is hugely embarrassing, no idea who to turn to, so have ended up coming on here in the hope of finding some answers to it all.

So where do we go from here?

1. Hubby very apologetic, naturally. Lots of flowers and peace offerings happening at he moment.
2. His main excuse is: ‘he wanted to tell me at the start’ but could ‘just never find he right words’.... at start of relationship we were in a romantic patch having been good friends for 4 years before, and it never seemed to be the right time. And then, it went to engagement and the finishing straight into marriage, pregnancy, etc.
3. His main defence is ‘he knows how to manage his symptoms’, he’s been dealing with it for 12 years, he just takes this drug and that keeps it all at bay. Apparently he hasn’t had a visible ‘flare-up’ for 6 years, and that last happened when he went away on holiday for 2 weeks and forgot to take his medication with him.

Here’s my problem:

1. This totally ruins intimacy for me forever now. Even if we used protection every time from now, I can’t get it out of my head that he’s carrying an STD, and that is a major turn-off. I could probably force myself to do it, to preserve the marriage but it would be a massive undertaking, and not something I feel I could get used to.
2. Even if I could manage to get my head around the idea of protected sex, how can I ever go back to unprotected sex knowing this? This really throws ideas of an eventual 2nd child into question. Even if I did eventually build my way back up to unprotected sex again, I’d feel like I was playing Russian roulette with my own health every time.
3. Telling him all this wouldn’t be easy, would probably put him off me
4. He knows I’m angry about it all and probably thinks I will eventually calm down, but i really feel like this is putting a wedge between us that is not going to easily go away. I feel like I’ve been cheated on and lied to. Even if the ‘cheated on’ part isn’t real. His way of looking at it is that all this happened a full 6 years before I even met him, and that he’s just been terribly unlucky. After all, how many of us haven’t had a one night stand in our twenties? Unfortunately for him it’s left a lasting legacy for life.

In some ways I wish I’d never gone and looked for a pen in his bag now, my life wouldn’t be so screwed up now if I had... Am I being unreasonable?

I should add, perhaps, some of the posts.

It really is a reminder for all of us to be educated on these issues, be cautious with who we sleep with, and pass the same information onto our children at the appropriate time. We live in a very "sexed up" climate, but things like STIs there is alot of silence.

There really is. I have tried to be very open with my (older teen) step kids and kids I'm involved with. Sex isn't or should't be taboo. It's part of adult life that they need preparing for the same as everything else.

justonemorebeer

I’m sorry you have been made to feel that way in the past🌷

I think though, if you read this thread with a more critical eye, you'll see that the majority of us are scathing about his non disclosure, NOT about the herpes itself.

Ok I'm caught up now. I'm surprised he is on constant medication. My friend takes meds only when she has an attack. It must have been a really severe case?

It was a shitty thing he did, whatever was going on in your life (frankly, if you had time to have sex he had time to tell you, his excuse about telling you over the coffin brochure doesn't really wash) but it sounds like you'll get over it and forgive him.

P.S. Lots of OK men use the term 'slappers'

No they don't. Your bar is so low I could trip and fall over it.

P.S. Lots of OK men use the term 'slappers'

No 'okay' men use the term 'slappers'.

Oh, and just because a woman does it too doesn't make it acceptable. Misogyny is misogyny, whether it's internalised or not. It's a foul, hateful way to describe a woman and says a metric fuckton about the person who does it, even if they haven't also been lying by omission about herpes.

Which makes me think...OP, you said that after some bad experiences, your husband vowed he wouldn't tell his partners until they got serious or were about to sleep together or something. Except that's not true. He clearly decided not to tell them ever, at all.

Lots of OK men use the term 'slappers', some women too!

Wow. Do you know lots of "OK" racists and homophobes too?

Apparently, when he was first diagnosed he tried telling earlier girlfriends about it prior to engaging in sexual relations and Being honest, open and upfront, but this was met with a lot of antipathy and rejection, and by 2010 he was vowing to never tell anyone until he was getting really serious with them.

Sorry,just read this bit.

So, he initially intended to tell all women before he had sex with them, however, he was finding women didn't want to be exposed to it, so they turned him down. Because he was getting turned down more frequently he then decided he would only tell women he felt could be really serious.
So he would sleep with more women as he wasn't telling them, but anyone serious he would kindly tell after possibly infecting them.
He intended to do the right thing, until he found he couldn't get his end away as much, so did away with that and only intended to tell the really serious women. And he dares call another woman a slapper?

However, the most serious relationship of his life, with his wife and mother of his child, he also didn't tell!

I wonder how many 'really serious' women he ever told. I'm guessing the same thing always happened, he would wait and then it was left too long.

He's despicable.

Definitely the non-disclosure not the STI that is the issue. If he’d had it 12 years ago, never had a flare up, never thought about it again then fair enough (or rather, not a massive deal, but should have mentioned it).

He has thought about it every single day, hidden tablets, secretly gone to medical appointments, had tests, compromised the health of his wife and child without their knowledge or consent, and lied by omission for many years.

The STI could happen to anyone, the lies and secrecy are an active choice. I wouldn’t ever trust someone who could do this, what else is he hiding?

I was diagnosed about 2 years into my relationship with (now) DH, I had contracted it years before but didn’t know (my outbreaks present in a slightly unusual way so didn’t realise what they were), I was devastated. My first thought was ‘I’ve been putting DH at risk all this time’ and I told him the same day I found out.

Not telling you was/is really bad, I get the stigma I really do and I can see how it got harder and harder to tell you but it’s pretty unforgivable to put you (and then DC) at risk like that and he absolutely should have found a way to tell you.

I don’t know how you move forward, our situation was different and basically came down to whether DH felt it was something he could accept about me and we could work round, you have deception and an element of betrayal to deal with on top. Whatever happens I hope you can come to the best decision for you

'So, he initially intended to tell all women before he had sex with them, however, he was finding women didn't want to be exposed to it, so they turned him down. Because he was getting turned down more frequently he then decided he would only tell women he felt could be really serious.
So he would sleep with more women as he wasn't telling them, but anyone serious he would kindly tell after possibly infecting them.
He intended to do the right thing, until he found he couldn't get his end away as much, so did away with that and only intended to tell the really serious women. And he dares call another woman a slapper'

It really is grim when you think how many 'not serious' women he could have infected.

He's a true gift

I don’t completely agree with this idea that he ‘lied to me’, he concealed something from me, there is a difference.

Yes, I'm sorry, he has been lying to you. Every day, every time he takes his pills, which are quite extreme in themselves, he should've told you as if something happened to him, if he got took to hospital you wouldn't be able to tell them he's on them.

Where did he tell you he went every year for his blood tests and GP assessments? Was he not lying then?

Just because you didn't ask so he had nothing to answer to does not mean this man hasn't been lying to you every day of your relationship.

He's a very selfish liar who put himself and his own comfort levels above your health and that of your child too.

The real question is, is this selfish liar worth taking that dose of medication every day of your life? Is he worth the hair loss, possible liver failure etc.

I think you should take a step back from this thread op and only take medical advice about herpes and antivirals from a doctor. There's a lot of bad information on this thread.

@onetimeposter that's very unfair

I was treated for abnormal cells this year. In none of the literature you're provided and at no point by anyone treating me was I told to tell partners or anything like that. It can be transmitted even if using protection so it would mean abstinence. The advice I got after treatment was not to have sex for a few weeks to prevent infection of the wound and to reduce heavy bleeding, and I was told that having the strains which cause abnormalities was very common. You're reassured throughout that it isn't a big deal, basically.

Now that might be untrue, but it's not really fair to say it's the women's fault if that is the case. It honestly hadn't even occurred to me to treat it like an STD (telling partners or abstaining with my long term DP).

Sorry not very related OP

I've registered here just to post on this thread. Sorry about the long post.
I had cold sores all my life, maybe less than once a year. I never thought much about it. I knew they were contagious but followed the usual recommendations of not kissing or sharing cups when having an outbreak. I never worried too much about having them.
I've also been extremely paranoid about passing any STD. I had tests done before having sex with every new partner. No doctor ever asked about cold sores.
Recently, bless the internet I found out that the virus can be passed even when there's no active sore. This was huge for me. I cried a lot, feeling disgusting about not having warned any partners, and thinking how I would never be able to kiss anyone again, or kiss a baby. I saw people around with cold sores and wondered why they didn't look like life was over for them.
Since realizing this I've been reading compulsively about the topic, and there are some points that I'd like to share here as this thread is being quite horrible:
Most people carry the herpes virus. For people older than 50 years old, about 80% of people are infected. And they can pass the virus just like people with cold sores that don't have an active outbreak.
Only a small proportion of the infected people have sores, and developing them or not depends on how your immune system deals with the virus. At least part of this is genetic.
All the people in this thread that are pointing fingers should know that chances are they are infected as well and are passing it to other people. If they are not planning on getting tested they should at least chill a bit.
The virus can kill babies, yes. But if the mum is affected she will pass the antibodies to the baby, protecting it till its immune system is mature enough to deal with it. It can be dangerous getting the virus at the end of the pregnancy though, because the baby could get it during delivery if the mum has her first outbreak then, before her system deals with it. It's rare but it has happened. I doubt anyone here has experienced this personally though. Sorry if someone did.
There are many viruses that are common and are asymptomatic. HPV for example usually doesn't give any problems and 40% of people has it. When it gives problems it can kill you though. But there is no stigma attached to it because it isn't possible to point fingers. Men can not be reliably tested for it, and if women find out they have it, by then the worry is of a completely different kind. This puts in perspective having and passing a virus that at its worse gives you a blister when you are run down.
OP's husband has been in suppressive therapy for twelve years because he was terrified about passing the virus to his family. He has obviously been worrying about it non stop for that time. He should have said it, but the chances of passing the virus with no active outbreak are low, and even lower when in suppressive therapy. Most people that have genital herpes don't know about it, but they can pass it anyway. OP's husband is less likely to pass it than all those people. I pity the worry, the shame and the loneliness this guy has gone through.
Everyone should have a say about risking getting a STD , but the only way of being 100% safe is abstaining completely from human contact.
I got my cold sores when I was a toddler, probably from someone I love dearly. I don't regret they kissed me.
For the people in this forum that are ready to throw stones and say that OP's husband being in suppressive therapy means that he has a very bad case of herpes, that's bollocks. My GP put me in suppressive therapy when I cried non stop for the whole appointment about getting a small blister on my lip for a few days every other year.
Please people, we are all going to die. Flu is also sexually transmissible. Be a bit kind.

This would end my marriage unfortunately.

He took away your ability to decide if you wanted to marry and have children, without the full facts.He denied you key information.

He was happy to risk your sexual health to protect himself.

The trust would be gone for me and even sex with condoms would be too scary for me. I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy it.

I think you need to calm the fuck down.

You know that more than 50% of people (so more than half the people reading that opus) have this “horrid little STD” don’t you? Chances are you’ve had it for years too.

I know someone WHOSE NEWBORN BABY DIED BECAUSE SHE HAD HERPES and a vaginal delivery and didn't tell the doctors.

@berrylands post is the only post on here that's actually factual.

2011 + 12 = 2023 ????????

I am also aghast at people saying this is no big deal at all.

Maybe because they (me) aren't aware it is a big deal. I had a few cold sores as a child and would never think to tell anyone now. I don't remember being asked when I had my babies.

Asking again, op.

So if you hadnt found his meds, when was he going to tell you?

Maybe because they (me) aren't aware it is a big deal. I had a few cold sores as a child and would never think to tell anyone now. I don't remember being asked when I had my babies.

Cold sores are different from genital herpes. Having a cold sore won’t affect if you can have a vaginal delivery, having herpes can.