Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

he is being super nice at the moment because he smells the change in the air. it the script.

@Mix56

Maybe...I'm the one whose patience is wearing thin now tbh. He's talking about plans for Christmas and I'm wondering what state we'll be in by then...or maybe just cruising along as we are...

Come off it (friendly kick up the bum). You are not going to be in the same state in 3 months.

You are going to reach some conclusions about what you want, and/or his ability and willingness to change through counselling etc and start on a new path, (whether that is with or without him). From everything I have read about you I really believe that.

During one break-up, he was begging me back and I said 'but surely you don't want to be with someone who wants something else.'

That's exactly the point. He doesn't care if you want something else. He doesn't care what you want. He just cares about what he wants - and he wants you to stay because it's so comfortable for him.

That's not love. And you know it.

OP, I haven't RTFT so apologies if you've given us more info since the first page.

My husband and I have sex about three times a week, depending on how we're both feeling and how tired we are. He would probably want to do it every day but his sex drive is a bit higher than mine.

When we are "on holiday in a lovely place", we enjoy each other's company. Even if we're not going at it like rabbits, we're lying in bed cuddling and reading a book, or having a romantic dinner in a nice restaurant, or exploring the local town, or lying in the sun or in the pool together.

How often you have sex is a very personal question and there is no right or wrong answer to that. But when you're on holiday you should be enjoying each other's company away from the pressures of work and day-to-day life. He shouldn't be escaping to the toilet to play with his iPad and you shouldn't be posting on Mumsnet about whether your marriage is over.

If you think you love each other, by all means get some counselling before calling it a day.

But really, you can both do better than this. And if you are going to be brave and try to start again, you're better off doing it now before you have kids.

@Haireverywhere

Thank you. Friendly kicks in the bum are appreciated. I really hope you're right. I feel like I'm living in a state of confusion, distraction and insincerity almost. It's like everything is on hold: children, house-buying, happiness even..the problem is that it's not like leaving him necessarily promises this amazing new life. A part of me wonders if this is as good as it can be at this stage for me, bearing in my mind that I'm the kind of person that craves company. I'm not one of these people who loves their own company. Thanks. I'll stick with the counselling. A big mistake in the past was neglecting counselling at crucial points for financial reasons.

@DistanceCall

I know...he did sort of bombard me in the past. The funny thing is I do believe that he loved/loves me...after I broke it off the last time, people were saying what a state he was in etc. Even I was surprised by how hard it hit him. So, I don't think he's shallow and any woman will do. I do believe I'm special to him but it's all gotten muddled with the break-ups, the breakdown in communication and my ambivalence...if I'm making any sense!

@EthelThePiratesDaughter

Hilarious username! I love it!

Thanks for posting. It's good to read a post that answers the OP because it brings me back to the main points....

As for holidays, you wrote Even if we're not going at it like rabbits, we're lying in bed cuddling and reading a book, or having a romantic dinner in a nice restaurant, or exploring the local town, or lying in the sun or in the pool together. We didn't do a whole lot of cuddling in bed but we did do all the other things. We can enjoy ourselves to a degree but it's just not exciting and there were trying relationship conversations thrown in.

Haireverywhere said it sounds like DH has low emotional intelligence or is emotionally fragile and I think it's a bit of both really...but I'm running out of steam.

We spoke again last night. He said ''if it wasn't the marriage you were unhappy about, it'd be something else.'' He said there's plenty he could let bring him down (which is true) but he gets active and 'forgets' about it. I tried to explain that yes, things do get to me but that he doesn't process things at all which isn't helpful either.

Anyhow, thanks to anyone who's still reading and posting. I really appreciate it as I try to wade myself through this. I get scared when people talk about only having one life. It's scary. The author of the book's mother stayed in an ambivalent state for 40 years. I don't want that.

I just wanted to thank everyone again. I've gained something quite valuable from Mumsnet and I can pinpoint as exactly this. My relationship with DH has always been up and down, so much so, in the past I could think we'd get married one day and think we'd break up the next day. I used to ride that wave and let myself forget about the bad times in the good times and vice versa. Mumsnet has helped me look at the relationship in an overall sense and having things fed back to me is helpful. I know we all have different perspectives depending on our own life experiences but it is very helpful. It prevents me from pulling the shutters down everytime things seem 'okay.'

I guessed long ago you lived in Ireland from your language. Look, I don't mean to be a gobshite but people break up here in Ireland ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

Yeah, it's a bit unusual no matter what country you live in for people to break up after 12 months married but you know what people will say? "Jayz, they were surely not suited at all, wha? Didn't last the year! Ah sure no point beating a dead horse anyway"

And I live in the back of beyond. I know loads of people who got out of marriages, sure it's all the rage these days!

In other words it's no excuse. This isn't the 1980s. People don't care as much as you think they do.

I was talking to a lady today. In her 60s, she married at 24 and dumped him at 39. She continued to be invited to his family's weddings and christenings and she always went, and on one occasion went right up and introduced herself to his current girlfriend and said "I hear your Mam isn't well, Im very sorry to hear that, its very hard for ye".

That's the classy way of doing it. She said "everyone ended up telling me afterwards they always thought we weren't best suited" She remained cordial with him at these things and said she even liked him these days - at a distance. She just said they weren't a right match for each other. I didn't enquire more, it's a good phrase that discourages further nosiness.

So look, if she can do it 25 years ago, so can you!

@ElspethFlashman

Ah thanks, Elspeth. I appreciate that. If I up and leave this marriage, I don't see DH's family inviting me to their occasions but things worked out well for that lady...good on her! I must admit I always admired people of my mother's generation who separated from marriage because it was 100 times harder than it is now.

I think I probably would get one much better with DH if he weren't my husband! Hilariously, I've said that to him! Last night in bed, I said 'we've a good friendship but the marriage part isn't working well.' I just wish he could accept that too, as painful as it would be.

I think a lot of people probably do (secretly) think we're not that mighty suited and they probably think, 'oh that's lovely, opposites attract.' I'm just bloody pissed off with myself for not having the self-confidence to know that sooner. I mean, I did know but I tried to convince myself that he was the best I could do after meeting all kinds of a-holes when I tried to go it alone and one friend told me he thought we were a great couple...but god, why did it matter at all what he thought!

Also...

Thanks for this

People don't care as much as you think they do.

I'll say another thing whilst I'm on a roll - she should have gotten out at 35. She surely knew then, after already 11 years. But she hung around and because of that she has no kids.

If you want them, don't copy her in that respect.

This is not as good as it gets. Don't waste your one shot at life.

''if it wasn't the marriage you were unhappy about, it'd be something else.''

Implies that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. Quite a mind fuck thing to say to somebody.
Be careful OP, I honestly think think this relationship sounds very unhealthy for you.

Saw on DH bank statement that he had paid for online dating membership. He says he didn't and it is fraud. I have never not trusted him but due to stress on my part ( I am off work and not wanting to give out at the moment). AIBU to question him more about this?

@Snog

Yeah I know ... I said it to him too! I do feel like he implies like there is something wrong with me. Then again, he thinks I make out like it's 'all his fault.'

What I do know is that it'd take all the strength I could imagine to leave DH & I'm not sure where it'd leave me, emotionally or practically speaking.

From what you have said I believe your emotional health will be much better without your dh but I sense that you don't see it that way.

Maybe you are not yet ready to walk away or don't know how. Look after yourself OP, you do not have to stay in this relationship if it is not making you happy. One year into a marriage should surely be a happy time?

Hi OP. I separated from my ExH when I was 35 (we'd been together for 17 years) but it had taken me 6 years between my first visit to a solicitor for 30 mins advice, and actually realising I didn't need ExH's permission to leave him (he love-bombed me after I saw the solicitor which hooked me in for a while longer because I clung onto the hope that the nice caring version of him was who he really was). The thing is I thought he loved me in his own way. Told me every day that he loved me, we had a lovely house I could never otherwise have owned. However he was emotionally and financially abusive but like the boiled frog, I didn't realise. I became depressed and was referred for counselling on the NHS. At one point I told the counsellor "he would do anything for me" to which she asked "would he have driven you here for counselling?" ExH had dismissed any kind of counselling as a load of old bollocks (I'd previously wanted to go for marriage counselling) and I suddenly realised that anything I did had to be with his blessing, as long as I toed the line I was ok but heaven help me if did anything he didn't agree with. We'd technically been TTC but we hardly ever had sex (plenty of porn use on his side though).

As I prepared to leave him I left I told myself it would be a sideways step, I accepted I'd be swapping one kind of unhappiness for another i.e leaving my lovely house and probably ending up in a bedsit, feeling lonely etc. But I told myself that any new unhappiness at least had some hope attached to it and if you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got. So I left.

However my life didn't pan out the way I'd catastrophised. Within a year of leaving I met my now DH who is the most amazing person. He genuinely treats me as an equal, we laugh and have fun, sex life is great, I can finally wake up every morning without getting that sinking feeling/dread of how the day might pan out. Sadly I never did get to have children but on balance life is way better than it was. As for ExH, despite the suicide threats and "I'll never get over you" he became a dad within a year and is about to marry the mother of his children!

Don't worry about what others will think, they'll get over it soon enough. But it's a big step leaving someone and you need to be ready. And I think you will be. Just remember you don't need his agreement in order to leave.

@ACatsnohelpwiththat

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I felt very emotional reading it. You put it very well when you mention trading one form of unhappiness for another...

If you don't mind my asking, how did you meet your current DH? I felt happy for you reading that. Amazing that it's possible to have a new, better .

@Snog

Yes, when you boil it down to the basic of one year in to marriage, that's true. DH is all over me today ... but last night I said I worry we won't make our second anniversary...I don't think he dies it deliberately.

I do think my emotional health would be better if I left but I don't know how I'd cope practically.

Sorry for typos

If you are in a better place emotionally this will make practical things far easier to achieve imo.

Thanks @Snog. I need to stick with counselling & reflection so I can get in to a good enough headspace to tackle this. I struggled alone the last time I left him & that's exactly what led me back in to his arms!

@Isitovernow Thank you DH and I actually met via an advice website for people going through divorce/separation, they say you meet someone when you're not looking don't they?!

I feel for you so much because you sound very much like where I was emotionally before I left ExH, you worry what other people will think etc. As it happens I went to a friend's party with DH soon after we started dating and saw a few work colleagues I'd not seen for years, they were all visibly delighted to learn that I'd separated from ExH despite never having previously hinted they could see ExH was a total twat even when I couldn't.

The right path isn't necessarily the easiest. Sometimes all you can do is take a leap of faith