Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

@PeakedTooEarly

Thanks for your message. It's just quite saddening to think my DH could be abusive. I mean, no-one thinks that ... he's sort of an innocent fly-off-the-handle type, yknow? He's not really sly etc. He's quite up front.

Anyway, I know how I sound. Yikes.

Isit the complete lack of caring how you feel, even if he doesn't do it deliberately, by the time it's got to the stage is has with you two, it's abusive. Some people, not just men, have the sort of personality where they don't give a toss about other people around them. They are going to do what they are going to do and if you don't like it? Too bad. That's what you are dealing with with him. You need to get to a point where you see this and get angry as you have invested so much in but not only are you getting no interest but you are not likely to get your original stake back either !

Yeah it's interesting that you can see that because I have tried in so many ways to spell it all out for DH, pretty much teach him who I am and what I need but it tends not to work. He can have that attitude with people though.

The thing is I enjoy his company sometimes. He's easygoing and easy to be around. It's never going to be a stimulating conversation but it can be relaxed. But I'm realising that's fine in a friend but in a husband, it falls short.

My friend pointed out on the phone that marriage calls for frank conversations regularly. She pointed out that effective communication will become more necessary, not less and that if we were to make decisions around children, houses, schools etc etc, we couldn't do it with the current state of affairs. I appreciated her honesty but it just doesn't bode well, really, does it.

That's very true about communication OP.

I just wanted to warn you not to put too much weight on what any of us are saying. There's another thread on here and the poster has made some life changing decisions based on responses here and is now utterly confused and overwhelmed. Use our thoughts as you see fit, but none of us know the full story, even though there's nothing but support for you on here!

Fair point. Posters on MN can be quite forceful. I'm on another thread where I can't actually believe what posters are saying.

I do think so many of the comments on here are helpful but I suppose we all have to know our own lives better than anyone else.

For the record though, I have found the vast majority of posts on this thread helpful, kind and sensible. It's on other threads where I have found people to be forceful. Mumsnet is powerful though. I viewed a room for no other reason than that it was suggested on here. That didn't work out and was too soon for me. I'm still exploring what DH and I will do...it may seem like I'm not acting quickly enough but in reality, that much time hasn't actually passed. I need to be sure if I'm to divorce my DH.

I have a painful period at the moment but I'm considering trying to seduce him when it's over (if it feels right)...he never has a problem showing interest/getting turned on etc; it's maintaining that's the issue! I'm pretty much gagging for sex at this stage to be honest.

Could I also ask...

What do those of you of similar age/life stage to me think of the porn usage? I'm 36 and so is my DH, we're married and have no children. He showed me one of the porn videos he looks at and I must say, I was kind of repulsed (and I'm no prude). I can see why he's been looking at it (we haven't been active and I couldn't go on the last time we tried). I was once told by a male friend that all men my age look at porn, no matter what we think...what's your experience of this? Even though I pulled the information out of him, I think I'd rather not have known that he's looking at cheap videos with close-ups of some lady blowing a guy...

Sorry if this post is a bit TMI.

I don't think all men look at porn.

Some people are ok with partners watching porn, others not.

You are repulsed by what he is watching. This is key as it doesn't sit comfortably with you.

The problem is more that he doesn't/isn't able to perform with you.

I don't actually see why you want to seduce him after everything you have written about him. My guess is he won't be able to perform and you will feel even worse.

He can wank to porn but is not able to maintain it with you. That's not right. And would make me feel like shit.

Don't do it to yourself.

Well my friend is very strait-laced but we're very close (like brother and sister) and he told me that the vast majority of guys our age have either looked at it in the past or do still. He's married and told me he still looks at porn occasionally. I was quite surprised by that.

As for DH, he told me his overwhelming feeling was guilt after he looked at it and that he thought it was seedy.

I've never had any doubt but that he's very attracted to me. I have lots of reasons for knowing this is true, so I don't take it personally when he can't maintain an erection. He can maintain it in one position but for some reason, that position causes me pain, so it's no go.

When I write that here, I know it doesn't sound good. I'm just not quite ready to walk away.

P.S. Thanks for your response @minmooch. I feel like myself and DH have a lot to tackle (as you can tell from this thread!). Yet last night we chilled out together with a glass of wine watching telly and all I could describe it as was utter contentment. Bit of a head fuck, really.

Hey , Is , personal questions but has dh ever tried viagra?
You can buy it over the counter now .
It’s a lifesaver for a lot of marriages I think as it works plus takes away the anxiety surrounding sex not being a great experience.

I think the reason so many posters here are encouraging to really consider leaving your husband is because they (myself included) are in marriages whereby we're not just content, were actively very very happy and reading about your marriage and knowing what you could have leads us to will you to see just what you could have, how fulfilled you could be. Fear of the unknown is a fantastic reason for not taking the leap, but I think in this circumstance even being on your own for a while would be beneficial. And in answer to your porn question, both myself and my DH watch porn, never been an issue for either of us but it's a very personal topic and I think you'll get a fair amount of varied responses to that question. I really wish you all the happiness in the future OP, however you may find it.

@isitovernow. It sounds like you want it to work because it's a marriage. If you weren't married, I think you'd be breaking up with him, even though I suppose you'd find that very hard to do. I've never been married and to be honest, when I read your thread, I feel relieved because I don't think I'd ever have gotten out of my last relationship if I was married. In this day and age, are people really that judgemental about divorced people? I know I'm not. What exactly is stopping you? Hope that things will change? Love? Fear? All of the above?

@Thisimmortalcurl

No, we've never tried viagara. I think I mentioned it once but he just laughed (& I probably did too). We tend to make jokes a lot about quite serious issues. Don't ask me why.

@lilyheather1

That post made me very sad. I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me, that maybe I can't be happy. I had a great boyfriend when I was 19. He is now happily married with kids. We fought a lot over stupid things and now I look back and think 'God. I had it so good. How did I now know?' I spoke to him last year (bumped in to him on the street) and he said that he was a total idiot back then and said stupid things. That made me feel better and like it wasn't all my fault. But your post makes me sad. I'd give anything to be that happy in a marriage. I don't think I really realised a person can be very happy in a marriage because all my friends do is give out about their husbands...maybe that's just the thing to do, I don't know..

@Cheermyselfup

yeah, you're right. Being married is a biggie for me. We only got married a year ago and I'm afraid I'll be painted as the Bitch if I break it off. I was painted as the Bitch when I broke up with him 5 years ago. It's a bloody disaster and the more time I spend thinking about it, the more I feel stuck.

You're not stuck it's just a feeling.

If you read back you're all over the place (quite understandably!). Some posts you describe him and the relationship in positive light and some the opposite. Don't rush anything.

PS. I don't believe all men watch porn. I haven't read up though.

Yeah I'm all over the place & that's what I'm worried about ...

I need a clear perspective & I can't seem to get it.

My sister said she broke up with her ex because she 'felt miserable all the time.' I just need that kind of clarity.

You settled and hoped all his good traits would outweigh the bad but here you are, a year in and you're realising that they don't. Your marriage is definitely a case of better the devil you know and a product of the sunken costs thinking.

You first need to have a word with yourself. Is this or could this be a deal breaker? You're 35 years old, you do not have the luxury of coasting along waiting for him to be different. If a fulfilling sex life and children are important to you then you need to prioritise them, rather than wasting even more time in a relationship with someone who doesn't.

No more pointless circuitous conversations unless you are prepared to stop accepting the status quo. The onus is always on the person who doesn't want to maintain the status quo, to change it. Therefore the balls in your court not his.

Just to put my posts into perspective I have been married and divorced twice. The first time I had two young children but I knew our marriage wasn't healthy. I left because I knew I deserved more, deserved to be happy, deserved a healthy relationship.second marriage fell apart when my eldest son was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumour. My then husband could not offer support at such a terrible time. Even then I knew I deserved much better from a partner who was supposed to love me.

I am now with someone who accepts and loves all the differing aspects of me, and I love him. He's not perfect and yet we are perfect together. He brings out the best in me, yet is there to love and support me during the difficult times.

I speak from experience. I, and others who have been through divorce, know what a difficult decision it is to make. But we also know that living half a marriage is just living half a life.

You have given your relationship/marriage a good length of time to see if it will work. Don't get hung up about it only being a year long marriage - you've been with him long enough to know he won't change.

So you made a mistake. Most people do in their life. It's how you rectify it that will make all the difference.

There is no shame in it not working out.

You deserve happiness.

It's understandable. Ending a marriage when you are still getting presents would be huge! But that doesn't mean it would be wrong. You just need to be sure. You're not. And there's no shame in that either!

Did you say you were going to individual counselling to talk it through? I may have remembered that wrong though.

@AgentJohnson

Yes, all true. I 'settled.' I had myself convinced of all the good stuff and 'on paper' stuff. Now I feel like an idiot. We paid for the wedding ourselves but my parents and sister and his parents gave us a very generous cash gifts. I feel like a fraud for all of that. I had a birthday since starting this thread...so I'm now 36 and yes, just letting it all drag on. I started re-reading 'Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay' again last night..hopefully to God I'll get some clarity from it this time.

@minmooch

That really really helps me. Thanks for sharing that. It sounds like you've been brave. I just can't seem to get past how soon it all is. If it were 5 or 10 years down the line, I think I'd consider it more acceptable. I've gotten myself in to a highly stressed state over this. I promised I'd have a good weekend but instead, I thought obsessively and got quite down! I just can't seem to get over the fact I said vows and married the man one year ago and now I really cannot understand how I went through with that. It makes me doubt any decision I make, which makes me doubt whether or not I should leave.

@Haireverywhere

Thank you, especially for the bit about it not being wrong. That's the part I'm really grappling with. I just don't know how I'll do this all over again. I had a tough break-up with DH five years ago, tried to carve out a new path, a few things went terribly wrong and I ended up back with him. Now I'm here again. I really don't know if I have the strength in me to do this all again.

I've been seeing a counsellor all right...it helps but it's just not often enough tbh. Everything builds up hugely between sessions.

Are you writing your feelings/ key events and reactions down to talk about in sessions to help with the pressure cooker?

Please don't see it as "all over again". You need to think about where you are NOW. You must have had good reasons to get back together before. Just let that go and stop beating yourself up. You are where you are. You will have learnt a lot about relationships and yourself, your needs and what you want from a partner in these last few years so it hasn't been a waste or wrong.

I think you just need a bit more time to think/professional help to a) explore whether this relationship has potential to be what you need and b) come to terms with the dissonance between thoughts and feelings and make a decision.

This obviously doesn't apply universally but when leaving a LTR some people decide to leave and then grieve afterwards. Some people grieve for their relationships whilst still in them. Only after doing so are they ready to leave.

Thank you very much.

No, I should start writing things down. I suppose I feel like this is my hobby these days & that makes me feel like a sad git. It's almost comical if it weren't sad.

It's crazy that I go to therapy to talk about our marriage & DH knows that but is happy out putting his head in the sand! I know I'm not 'blameless'. I've never had a run-of-the-mill, smooth-sailing relationship because my self esteem has always been so godawfully low ...

As for grieving, that's very wise. It feels like 'god can I go through all that grief all over again.' I don't feel capable but hey, I'm curled up in bed with 'Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay' & am on MN while DH watches an action movie downstairs; so I know we can't just keep going on like this.

& might I add, tonight was a good night: no arguments etc!