Is my marriage really ending?

[Isitovernow]

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

By 'this is my hobby,' I mean analysing my relationship, reading about relationships, therapy etc. All of my free time is consumed by this marriage & that's what makes me feel bad. Just re-read & wasn't sure if that was clear.

You're reading the book for YOU. Going to therapy for YOU.

So that one day you can look back and have NO regrets at what you decided.

You can do this!

You need at least one other "hobby" haha. Meet a friend or do something nice this week.

@Haireverywhere

Yeah, my current hobby wouldn't look too good in the 'Hobbies and Interests' section of a Curriculum Vitae. 'Excessive worry, rumination and research over current marriage in long, complicated relationship.'

Fun times!

The book is good...still no clarity but the author promises I'll have it by the end (she wouldn't lie, would she?).

I've been reading this thread with interest. Op - I'm in a similar situation as you however I'm a few years older (early 40s). I have skim read that book and I still couldn't decide what to do! I think it's worse when things just aren't that bad but they're mostly not great either?! We don't have kids - and I'm thankful for that now even though it's too late for me to have kids at all now (but I'm genuinely ok with that). I will keep reading some of the good advice you've had on here

Yeah...ambivalence ain't great. Hopefully you'll get some clarity as to what's best for you.

By way of an update ...

Things came out tonight. Practical stuff about house-buying etc. I ended up crying & saying 'I'm just so lonely. It seems to be all about what you want.' Before that, we'd been discussing back & forth. Then he backed off & we went to separate rooms.

An hour later he came downstairs with a funny YouTube clip & we both laughed at it...

Honestly...I don't even know how to describe my own situation anymore!

i think you have either married someone with very low emotional and relational intelligence or very vulnerable and emotionally fragile therefore avoidant and cut off to protect himself.

Just keep going to counselling and reading the book and maybe set yourself a deadline re if I still feel as bad by x then we should have a trial separation. But without MC, you WILL still feel as bad because he won't have learnt what you need.

Without MC you two are incapable of improving the relationship otherwise you'd have done it by now yourselves.

Do you know the average time a couple takes to go to MC from one person first feeling unhappy about the relationship to actually going is six years? That's really shocked me. I know you went before. A good MC will help you see if you need to split.

The summary I'd make is that your dh is v happy with the status quo and is satisfying his own needs. If you challenge him by expressing your own feelings, seeking change, compromise or asking for your needs to be considered he shuts you down.

If you are not doing the above behaviours he is happy to encourage you in your compliant behaviour by watching fun TV with you. He has been very clear that he does not want things to change, he wants you to go along with everything he wants with no consideration for your wants and needs.

This is in no way a relationship of equals, it is not a partnership. You are mainly convenient OP and when you are not you are ignored or punished. You are worth a whole lot more than this and personally I think this relationship is really dragging you down.

There are no ties here really, no kids, no mortgage. You owe your dh nothing, he does not respect or support you. He cares nothing for your feelings and he does not love you.

You can make a clean fresh start and build the life that YOU want and the life that you deserve, filled with people who respect and value you. What would your ideal life look like?

So you cry, he hides in a room, watches youtube to not think about it, then comes back with a fun clip. its all forgotten.

Christ.

Even taking the rubbish sex out of the equation, you and he aren't suited. You know this deep down. You've tried and tried to break up with him but you feel too guilty to go through with it.

You don't have the same sense of humour.

He's not the brightest person.

You don't like talking about the same things.

He wants everything to be his way.

He gets aggressive when he's arguing.

He wants children but you don't share the same parenting views.

He wants children yet isn't prepared to sleep with you.

He uses porn, so obviously something's working somewhere, yet once it's working, he doesn't come to you to have sex with you.

Honestly OP, you need to get out because otherwise it's going to be 10 years later and you will be in the same position.

I wouldn't be prepared to stay in that area and have people talking about me. If people think he's the good guy, you don't want to set them straight, but at the same time you don't want them to be pointing the finger at you. I would go off somewhere for a year and have a bit of an adventure. What's your job? Could you do it abroad?

If you do want to stay in the same area, what about finding a place to share with your friend who's on her boss's couch?

And you know what - please don't worry about your husband's happiness if you do go. I reckon he'll be fixed up with someone new within a month. Earlier, probably. And maybe she'll be right for him, or maybe she'll be lying in her own separate bed in the not too distant future, wondering how to get out.

Thanks for your responses...work is full-on at the moment, so it's been hard to think clearly about my marriage. I've read your responses a few times and they are helpful.

@Haireverywhere
Thanks. A good MC will help you see if you need to split. The counsellor we went to do pretty much pussy-footed around our issues and never once mentioned the possibility of breaking up again. Even though we weren't even married at the time (but it had been well over 6 years of issues), I felt trapped. I felt like I had made my bed and had to lie in it. I suppose we could go back to counselling, to a different therapist but the main aim for me would be just to get him to listen. I regret not walking away during our last counselling. I know I'm full of regrets and I need to simply accept where I'm at.

@Snog

This is in no way a relationship of equals, it is not a partnership.
DH said during that discussion the other night that I left him, so I basically should have accepted the plans he made when I came back. I pointed out that he expects his plans to be the exact same as when he was single with no accommodation being made for what suits me. He said that I'd be happy to live anywhere so why can't I just accommodate him...zzz

There are no ties here really, no kids, no mortgage. You owe your dh nothing, he does not respect or support you.
That's true to an extent. I wish I was a home-owner though as it genuinely is difficult to find accommodation. I can't just up and leave. That side of it really is stressful. I've done the whole nutjob housemates thing etc so I've decided I'm simply not willing to live with strangers again.

DH does respect and support me...not in every way, granted but I do feel like he looks up to me and supports me in many ways. It's been him for so long that I genuinely don't even know what else to expect though.

What would your ideal life look like?
Thanks for asking this because it actually made me cry.
My ideal life would be the job I have now but to live much closer to it, less symptoms of my chronic pain condition, married to a man I respect and admire and two DCs. But most of all, daily laughter. I'd love to be with someone I could laugh my ass off with every day. I was always a complete messer and that side of me is going, going...but not gone. It's not DHs fault either that we have completely different senses of humour!

@Mix56

That's a fairly succinct way of putting it and yep, that's true...and I could give countless examples just like those. It's become our dynamic. I don't have the energy to stay angry/upset and he is artful at just letting things go or brushing things under the carpet!

@HollowTalk

Gosh, when I read it like that, I think WTF am I doing? So much of what you say is true. DH is very much willing to have sex with me. It's never been a situation of him withholding it. He is easily put off and I can be too. It's become a mutual thing really. He definitely has ED and can only maintain in one position which gets tiresome, painful and boring for me, so I suppose it's just easier not to bother. I also feel after the anger he has shown me during arguments that I have sort of lost some affection/sexual attraction. I said this the other day during the crying discussion...right before he left the room.

Despite everything I've just written (which is a lot I know...thanks for reading!), he just rang now. I told him about my particularly tough day in work. He told me about his. He was lovely about mine. Y'know we do have something. There's a closeness and a caring between us which is what has my head in such a tailspin. I could regret it dearly if I leave him. I do remember being painfully lonely when I was single and I remember missing him in certain specific situations.

@HollowTalk

I wouldn't be prepared to stay in that area and have people talking about me. If people think he's the good guy, you don't want to set them straight, but at the same time you don't want them to be pointing the finger at you. I would go off somewhere for a year and have a bit of an adventure. What's your job? Could you do it abroad?

A year abroad sounds fabulous but I've just come in to my own job-wise in recent years. It took me so long to finally get to a place where I've locked off one area of my life. It would be foolish to lose that now and it's important to me. I can't live with my friend as she lives in a different province. I can't really argue with so much of what you've said. We get on well a lot of the time but I know that's not even nearly enough for a life-long commitment.

My mother rang just now saying her friend dropped in a wedding present for me! What's with all these people giving wedding presents a year later? Do they know I'm having second thoughts and are trying to hook me or what?!

OK, so that's great about your job. I'm not sure what kind of place you live in, but I would certainly move somewhere that was far enough away from your husband so that you wouldn't have to bump into him. The very last thing you'd want on a night out is to see him!

@HollowTalk

That's the thing. I live in Ireland and it's pretty small. I don't know if you're Irish or not but if you're not, let me just say that everyone is connected. People I work with know DH's family etc. I'd have to leave the county to truly get away but I can't do that without leaving my job.

As it stands, I would risk running in to him and/or his family/friends...I feel like I had my chance to leave before and made the fatal error of coming back (and getting freakin' married), so it feels like I've dug a hole for myself.

OK, so what's the best way out of the hole? Now that you're in a job that suits you, you've found you're in an area that really doesn't. It's not going to work if every single thing is reported back to him. It's not going to work if you're out for a drink and he's told about it before the end of the night. And it's not going to work if you have a couple of drinks and bump into him on a night out - you are likely to end up back with him again.

So - if you want things to change, you've got to change things yourself. The only thing you can change now is your job. If you're doing well, then this is a good time to move, surely? You'll get a good reference. Perhaps you should stay longer but if you explain things in an interview, then most people would understand.

Aww I didn't mean to make you cry.
I do think it is worth spending time thinking about your ideal life though, cos we only get one life.
Sorry you are going through it at the moment OP but at least you are not letting yourself sleep walk into anything. Things will get better.

And it's not going to work if you have a couple of drinks and bump into him on a night out - you are likely to end up back with him again.

And this is what happened before...I bumped in to him regularly. I used to go to a pub where he had a falling out with the staff because I knew he would never be there...but obviously, I couldn't go there all the time!

Things will get better.

Thanks. I hope that's true. I really am tired of just, quite simply, not being happy and constantly looking for something else. During one break-up, he was begging me back and I said 'but surely you don't want to be with someone who wants something else.' I wish I had stuck to my guns and I wish he had listened.

...I'm starting to feel quite upset and angry in a way. DH is being so lovely at the moment, even though I cried the other night and told him his aggression has made it hard for me to be intimate with him. Yet he's being so nice that if I bring it up, I'll just look belligerent...I'm also starting to think I shouldn't have to constantly keep bringing everything up. There are two of us in this marriage.

It sounds as though he's aggressive elsewhere, too. I'm not sure everyone thinks this guy is great.

I've never been involved with a guy who falls out with bar staff - why wasn't that a huge red flag?

While we were broken up, him and his friends got kicked out of the pub for making a joke that the bar staff didn't realise was in fact, just a joke. It's just a silly story. One of them went on tripadvisor over it etc. etc.

I'm sure there were plenty of red flags and I'm sure if I had my time again, I'd do it differently but I don't and this is unfortunately where I'm at.