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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my marriage really ending?

411 replies

Isitovernow · 20/08/2018 09:43

I'm a big fan of MN & I think great advice is given. So hopefully some of you might have some thoughts on my situation...

My DH and I are married just over 1 year. We had a long on-off relationship before that. I've always loved him but in many ways, for me, he fell short...we are now married and I have that awful 'I see this if?' feeling. We haven't had sex in about three months and there is very little sexual interest on both sides. We are both physically fit, healthy & attractive but the spark is well and truly gone. We tried couples' counselling once before and my DH said never again.

On the plus side, my DH is reliable, he works very hard, he's loyal, I don't think he'd ever cheat, he cares about me and comes to all my family occasions (& I to his). I am attracted to him but I don't look up to him. He looks to me for a lot of guidance.

Even right now, we are on holidays in a lovely place and I'm secretly writing this while he sits on the toilet reading his iPad! He looked so excited to be going in there to do it too. We've been away alone a week and no sex.

I have tried talking to him numerous times about our difficulties or lack of sex. He just says 'yeah I know' and then changes the subject. He often mentions having children too!

I'm confused! Does this sound like a marriage on its last legs to you or is it the best I can do?

OP posts:
PollyFlinderz · 07/09/2018 08:35

@PollyFlinderz I do not think 'posters' have been cruel at all. I've gained such strength and support from this thread. I have found some of your posts Polly harsh and unhelpful

I’m sorry about that but even if I rewrote them I would still say the same thing and I doubt you would find them helpful either.

Good luck with your future even if that means staying where you are and just getting on with it.

Haireverywhere · 07/09/2018 09:54

Guessing this means you decided against giving MC a go before you leave.

Good luck OP. You deserve to be happy.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 07/09/2018 10:53

Things have just really come to a head ...

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 07/09/2018 11:19

I hope that means he's agreed to separate and you can be free of this nightmare!?

Original poster
Isitovernow · 07/09/2018 14:49

Well, he came in to 'my' bed this morning and he said 'what are we going to do?' That's big from him! It's like he won't let me go. I know I need to be stronger and more assertive but I'm frightened as I've nowhere to go. I know what I need to do in theory. I'm brutally disappointed at how this has all worked out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 07/09/2018 14:51

@ProseccoThyme Thanks...I'll try to do something nice for myself. I haven't been sleeping and my I'm over-eating as a comfort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 07/09/2018 14:55

I still haven't heard back from the MC people even though they said they'd ring back. I'm not sure if there's a point. We've done it before and I'm not sure if it's advisable to do individual counselling and MC at the same time. I do think I've given up in my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 07/09/2018 19:31

Someone though needs to take care of YOU and that someone needs to be you. Be kind to yourself OP. Be your own BF.
Thanks for this. I just ate an entire tub of ice-cream after dinner..that's so embarrassing and not at all how I should be taking care of myself.

I can't really believe I managed to get myself in to such a f**ked up place. DH frantically rang me all day because I forgot my charger and my phone had died. I think he was afraid I'd done a runner or something. Then we just had a conversation right now as though nothing was unusual, despite the fact we both know there is no future and the past few days have been hell. What kills me is I was in this exact place with him about 5 years ago the last time we broke up. Same job. Same rental. Same failing relationship. I feel like such a tool for letting it come to this again.

Happy Friday to you all!Peace.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 07/09/2018 19:51

@Prosecco Thyme

Would it help if you framed it as a trial separation?

Yes, I think that's a good idea....I don't think either of us can handle the agony or finality of a divorce when we're still receiving bloody wedding presents. I'm a very low-key person (or so I'm told) but my life feels like a soap opera right now Confused.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 07/09/2018 20:41

OP, please don't torture yourself. We all make mistakes - and really, if you end this now, you will see in the future that it really wasn't such a huge thing as it seems now. It seems terrible and huge now because you're in it. But - as other PPs have said - imagine being in this exact situation 10 years in the future with a mortgage and children.

I know you wish this situation would just solve itself, or for someone to help you. You do sound so alone - your sister is doing you absolutely no favours, because she has her own biases (and perhaps she isn't so happy herself in her own life so she can't stand it if you decide to make a break, because that would mean that she can change her life too - which, of course, she can).

This isn't going to get better, and I think you know it. You only have one life, and you are young. You are going to need to be your own support, and your own friend, and take care of yourself - and do this.

And, of course, we are all here to listen as much as you need.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 07/09/2018 21:56

@DistanceCall Thank you so much. I seem to have gotten in to quite a rut. I opened up to a friend on the phone the other night but we only speak every few months & she is, of course, busy & has her own problems. Still, it felt good not to be pretending for once.

I think my sister is afraid all right...afraid for me I think & worried for my health. I have a chronic pain condition following an accident and it is exacerbated by stress. It's important I don't push myself beyond my emotional limits.

DH is being all lovey dovey today and I'm just too worn out to even try to go along with it.

Thank you for all you wrote. Flowers

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 07/09/2018 22:17

You are already pushing yourself and suffering, OP. It's just that it's a bit like the frog in the pot - you have built up tolerance over time, and, even though you are in an unbearable situation, you are desensitised and just go on because getting out is confusing and frightening.

The fact that you have started to talk about the situation openly is very, very good. Even if your friend cannot give you the support you would like, it's important that you discuss it normally and not hide it any more.

And take it easy. You don't have to do everything straight away. Be selfish, treat yourself, take care of yourself - try to do the things you enjoy and make time for yourself these days.

You already know what you want to do. Now you need to take care of yourself so that you feel strong to do it.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 07/09/2018 23:21

Thanks. I think that last part is key. I need to develop the strength to do it by taking much better care of myself.

I was in a lot of pain tonight & DH offered to give me a massage. Seriously sweet & just what I needed. It was lovely but I worry that he's being so nice because he's afraid. I've asked for massages before when in pain & he's either refused or grudgingly given me a three minute one hand job...just last night, he was picking a fight. Today he's massaging me. And I know there's a pair of us in it.

Thanks for the advice. I think it's very good. I need to maybe almost forget about the relationship & focus on being strong & well (if that's possible).

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 07/09/2018 23:22

By 'one hand job' I mean a massage with one hand!! No hand jobs in this household for the past while! GrinShock

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 07/09/2018 23:28

And take it easy. You don't have to do everything straight away. Be selfish, treat yourself, take care of yourself - try to do the things you enjoy and make time for yourself these days.

Thank you

OP posts:
Cowardlycustard2 · 07/09/2018 23:52

OP I have just read through this whole thread and my heart goes out to you. You are in a very difficult situation, it's a huge life change that you need to make, but please, trust and believe in yourself. You can do this. You know the relationship isn't right and perhaps have always known it. You are still young enough to start again. Please don't make the same mistakes I made. I stayed in an un healthy and almost sexless relationship for 20 years out of fear and ended up with serious mental health problems, depression, an addiction to tranquillisers and many other problems as a result. I wasted so many years of my life. Go with what your gut instincts are telling you, do you still want to be feeling this way into your forties and beyond? Treat it as a trial separation if that's easier but you need to give yourself some time apart from this man. Take care of yourself Flowers

3luckystars · 08/09/2018 08:24

I know your sister loves you but she may be giving you wrong advice as she is not living your life.

Can you get away for a bit so you can breath?

minmooch · 08/09/2018 09:03

Your dh is doing the very least he can in order to keep you hoping just a tiny bit. It's a charade. You know he can't keep it up.

When you finally see that this relationship is not healthy you will find the strength, I hope, to leave him and one day develop a healthy one.

Original poster
Isitovernow · 08/09/2018 10:03

Yeah hopefully. It's see-sawing the whole time. There are a few other complicating factors.

It's been a tough week of barely sleeping, eating badly, crying & thinking incessantly so ...

I got up early & baked a cake. I'm now heading out to grocery shop for ingredients for more cooking and baking. I'm going to try to stay active for the day and just focus on myself. I'll see where that takes me.

Thanks to you all.

OP posts:
ProseccoThyme · 08/09/2018 10:33

Being in limbo is definitely the worst of it - no man's land as I called it: the emotional agony of making the decision. Once it was over, it was a relief. We did a trial separation & I was happier in my own, I discovered.

And when I looked back, my ex-H had YEARS to be a decent partner to me. He had proven himself not to be by his behaviour. Unfortunately, every time he did me a wrong, a bit of my heart turned to stone, and I didn't have the feelings left for him.

So, have a nice day, make plans to see other people, get out there!

Original poster
Isitovernow · 08/09/2018 11:13

Thanks @ProseccoThyme. I've often referred to my relationship as 'no man's land' too ... did you move out for your trial separation?

Good point about ski the time he had to treat you right Hmm

I'm having a great day so far pottering around the kitchen. Determined not to let this ruin my weekend as it's already ruined my week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 08/09/2018 11:13

all the time

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitovernow · 08/09/2018 11:16

Unfortunately, every time he did me a wrong, a bit of my heart turned to stone, and I didn't have the feelings left for him.

I can relate to this. DH cleaned the house from top to bottom the other day & he gave me a massage last night. Then today, he lost something I need & when I asked if he knew where it might be, he snapped & gestured to the breakfast I had just made him. He had no idea why I went quiet after that. When he asked I told him & he said 'okay I'm sorry.' It'd just be nice if I didn't feel like such an irritant!

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 08/09/2018 11:22

DH cleaned the house from top to bottom the other day & he gave me a massage last night.

I think you should stop accepting the "nice things" he is doing for you (which actually are pretty standard things in a relationship), like the massage. He's just doing it to score points, and to keep you in line.

So glad you're enjoying yourself in the kitchen.

PeakedTooEarly · 08/09/2018 11:29

cleaned the house from top to bottom He lives there. It's his house. He should clean it. Come on OP evryone wantsyou to see what we all see and get out. You are a boiled frog. It has all come on so slowly you accept it. You are so grateful for every tiny bit of nice he hands you. He holds all the cards and you are letting him. He would have more respect for you if you did walk out. I eventually left an abusive relationship. A couple of years later I met him in the street and he actually said to me that he didn't think I would leave but he didn't blame me for doing so. He spoke to me with more respect that day than he did the whole time we were together, it was fucking pathetic. He is still on his own as far as I know because he is abusive. He can't help himself. He just thinks women are there to service his needs.

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