Pregnant and he's thrown me out

[Windmill1828]

Hi everyone - I'm turning to you lovely people to help me!

So it's a long story...

We met a few years ago, hit it off straight away. He was a gentleman, good job etc etc. Treated me like his best friend. We supported each other, we laughed like nothing before. It was just amazing. My family loved him and his did me.
He had a little boy and I have a little girl from previous marriages and they got on so well.
He began to stay over at mine more and more and before you knew it we were practically living together.
I saw him every night almost the whole time we were together and we had his little boy every other weekend.
We holidayed together and started to build a life together.
We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day.
We chose a new house and it was being built.
On New Year's Eve he asked me to marry him! It was the most amazing time of our lives.
The house was supposed to be finished in Feb but kept getting delayed so we were living out of boxes which wasn't ideal but ok.
Then in March we found out I was pregnant! We were over the moon. But that turned into disaster when it turned out to be ectopic just before our engagement party.
He was by my side through the operation and was so sad afterwards. He was distraught!
We were told that to be on the safe side we would need to have ivf to bypass the use of my tubes but probably wouldn't have much trouble conceiving as we just had by ourselves albeit in the wrong place.
We left it three months and then decided to go to a clinic in London to discuss the details. The nurse said yep, we could go for it but as I was 36 and he was 38 to not waste any time.
We had a holiday planned in August but she said it would be fine to still go if we did get pregnant before as we would be over 12 weeks.
So we went home, discussed it and we both agreed to give it a shot!
Next thing you know we are booked in and ready to go. The drugs came and I started injections.
Now anyone who has had IVF will tell you it's not easy. All the travelling on its own was hard. The hormones. The weight gain. The tiredness. It was draining but so worth it that I didn't make a big fuss because I didn't want it to be a big thing if we needed to go through it again.
He even did the first injection with me and held my hand.
There were a few bumps along the way and at points thought we might have to cancel due to complications but to cut a long story short we got pregnant!!! I did about 500 tests!!!
You have to carry on taking hormones after the positive test and on top of the begins of pregnancy (morning sickness/ extreme tiredness etc) but we carried on.
Then my Nan who was so close to me died which was awful.
And then I started a new job as I was full time and we decided that I didn't need to do that anymore.
We moved into our new house when I was 6 weeks pregnant And were busy organising it for the first week.
Then we had our first scan. Another trip to London, all very scary to see if baby was in the right place. And it was! Lovely heathy heartbeat! We were made up. He even stopped on the way home to buy it a little outfit!

We picked his little boy up on the way home. I was so tired after such a draining day and 7 hours in the car that i asked if he could feed the kids while I had a little lie down, to which he said yes.
I went to sleep for about 10 mins and was woken up by the kids playing!
I was a bit miffed he could have kept them quiet but went downstairs and sat at the breakfast bar while the kids ate their dinner and I was sewing a blind.
He said to me that his little boy had done well in his school report to which i said "oh well done" and then thought oh crap where is my little girls report?!! And proceeded to ask her.
That was it.
He sent the kids across the road to the park and he said "I don't wanna make this into a big thing but why were you like that about the report?"
I was fed up anyway and said "what?!! What about it!?" And we blew up and has an argument about how I should've been more enthusiastic.
I just needed to get out of that house and that situation so I said I was going to go back to mine to continue to sort it out.
I was so upset that I decided to stay there and talk about it in the morning.
Well in the morning he was furious that I'd gone and taken My daughter. There was no talking to him.
He didn't have the best childhood in the world but certainly not the worst but he said that it triggered a memory of something that happened to him when he was a boy and he won't have his son feeling like that!!!
We spoke about it and sorted it that night. Had a nice evening together and took the kids out.
Then the next morning he said "I'm sorry but I still feel like I can't do this."
As you can imagine it went from bad to worse.
He spoke to his sister who obviously said he can't have that and then decided to block me on fb and told him to tell me and my daughter to leave. Which he did.
I had my first midwife appt that following day and by the time I came back to the house he had packed boxes.
He said some horrible things like:
He had doubts the week before he asked me to marry him
He wasn't in love with me
How could I treat his kid like that?
Very hurtful things

He then got a van and dumped all mine and my daughters things back at my sold (but not completed just yet) house.

So basically, I'm pregnant
I soon have no home or anywhere to live
I have a temp/ part time job
No money
And I little girl who has no idea what's happened.

So that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then not much has happened. He has sent the wedding venue an email to cancel it even though it was only booked a matter of weeks ago.
Most of my messages get ignored.
Until I sent a nice one to which he replied "he was broken"

This guy was all about family: he treated my little girl like his own. Me like a queen. There wasn't a day went by that he didn't tell me how lucky he felt and how much he loved us.
How can you go from all that to nothing over night? To creating a life to walk away from it.

All over this.!

I am obviously heartbroken. Lost. I feel like I've had my whole life ripped apart and now I have nothing.
I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.

Any ideas?

Xxx

you cant tell the sex at 12 weeks and also if this happened 4 weeks ago you would have been 8 weeks and certainly wouldn't be able to tell sex then.

I agree with MoreDoll: When someone tells you who they are, believe them. As someone who's at a distance, all the goings on described in your update point to two things:

1. It's all about him and his supposed anguish.

1. Such a lot of activity, and to-ing and fro-ing, and maybe yes and maybe no.

Do you know what it reminds me of? Ever heard of stoat-charming? The creature behaves in such an extraordinary fashion that the prey's attention is drawn. And then it is so mesmerized by all the goings on that it can't take its eyes off the stoat. And - this is the important bit - while this is going on, the reality of the situation is completely suspended in the prey's mind. Until the stoat grabs it, the spell is broken and the catastrophic reality comes crashing back. Have a look: binged.it/2xUPzVC

I'm not suggesting he's going to kill you physically: I think the danger is far more subtle, but just as catastrophic. Here I am - a complete stranger - fervently hoping that what I call your 'lizard brain', (i.e. the ancient, primeval part of your consciousness that is dedicated to self-preservation, and survival of you and your offspring) will kick in and bring the reality back. And that you will then recognise the real situation, namely that you are in thrall to a very bad, manipulative and remorseless man who is enjoying toying with you. His feigned anguish isn't real. It's an exciting game to him.

It sounds insane because it is. He knows you inside out, understands (not empathises - understands) your feelings for him and is exploiting that for his entertainment. You are literally enthralled. You can't help your feelings, but please recognise the reality of what's going on and allow your survival instinct to override them.

You need to get away. He will try to lure you back because he won't have his toy anymore. Remember the previous YouTube video. He will crush you.

I wish you well.

You guys are just what I need! I need to hear this! Thank you!!
Apart from @HeywitchDoctor who obviously hasn't read the entire thread or knows what they're talking about! 😁

@HeywitchDoctor I think you need to read a little bit more before you comment on dates.

(As an aside, yes you certainly can tell sex at 12weeks, especially with ivf. My ds was clearly a ds at his 12 week scan although that was at a private scan. NHS policy is generally not to tell people at this stage I think. However this is not relevant to the thread and not appropriate to the support the OP needs).

Hi there OP, I’ve been reading through the whole awful thing, and I hope you’re ok. What a nightmare you’ve been through. But keep focused on yourself and your innocent little ones and getting out to the other side of this mess.

As someone very wise on mumsnet once said to me, when you are in hell, the only thing to do is keep on walking to get out of there. It’s so true. The only way out is to keep on walking, the longer you stay the more hell you have to endure. The walking is hard but each step gets you closer to the edge.

@WellThisIsShit you're right! I'm just still so shocked and lost and as pathetic as it sounds my whole future was mapped out and I'm having to learn to do it all over again and it's hard.
I can't move on. I'm pregnant. And I'll be post pregnancy for a while after too and then on my own with two kids.
I'm cross because obviously IVF takes a lot of consideration for both of us and I told him there was no way I ever wanted to be a single mum again.. especially after just coming out the other side and getting some sort of life back with my 9 year old! He told me we were in a safe loving relationship and I swear I didn't think there were problems in our relationship. I think there is still more to come out if I'm honest!

If you really believe he doesn't want to hurt you and you're taking what he says at face value, think of it this way...blending families is tough, really tough. Things will go swimmingly for a while and then kids move into the next phase and you get split loyalties, hormones, changing needs and it's a constant challenge. Forever really.

He fell at the very first hurdle. He's not someone who will stand with you and work through it together. Despite that magical honeymoon period you had, he is someone who will always be beholden to his ex. It's shit that you found this out while you're in the position you are in, but if he does 'work things out' this time. What about next time, when the baby's born and you have to navigate the feelings of the half siblings? What about when they are teenagers and giving you hell, as they all do? Who's side will he be on then?

As an aside, do you really believe the son felt this way? To the extent your ex is claiming he did? You said you loved him and you did a lot for him. Young children aren't cunning enough to hide their feelings so well. If he really felt this way, even if he didn't say anything, you would have known something was wrong and this could have easily been dealt with.

My DN is 9 and her father has a toddler. Recently, she has been feeling really 'replaced' and has been suffering because she feels her father hasn't spent any one to one time with her. She hasn't felt able to articulate her feelings, because of guilt and I suppose she didn't know how to express them. But my sister has known for weeks something is wrong. She and her ex have both expressed concern about DN because she's shown her frustrations via a huge growing resentment towards her half-sister and she's been getting cheeky and playing up a little bit at school, which is really out of character.

My point is, this isn't something that goes unnoticed and one incident can result in 'too much damage'. I think he knows your respect for his feelings about his son and it's the one thing he can exploit to keep your anger at bay and essentially keep you as an option. His love for drama outweighs his love for anything else.

He sounds like he’s stringing you along OP and messing with your head, I don’t understand why he didn’t give you the opportunity to sit down and talk with his DS, it’s obvious you care deeply about his Son, I would put this to him and see what he says, if he refuses I think you should think about ceasing contact with him, there seems to be an endless string of bullshit and excuses coming from his end, if he was genuinely trying to fix things you would be back at home with him, but he’s kicked you out whilst pregnant (with his Child, who he seems to have forgotten about) that should tell you all you need to know about this pathetic excuse for a man!

I am so horrified by what he's done to you. WHO throws a pregnant woman out like that? Who the fuck does that? He is the biggest bastard around. And then acting like he's devastated! AS IF! He's not. He's out of his damn mind. I know it doesn't feel it but you're well rid of him. This was never going to pan out like the fairy tale he sold you. Don't sympathise with him, what he's done is truly truly awful. I'm in shock just from reading this.

You sound amazing though OP. So strong, even if you don't feel it, you are, it shines through your posts. You will survive this, with two beautiful daughters. 🌸

He's still playing his games, manipulating you. He's basically stringing you along with promises of "maybe". He has no intention of behaving like a decent human being. No decent human being does what he does, regardless of how many times he may say he doesn't want to hurt you. He behaved in the complete opposite way and now he's playing games with your heart and your mind. Please don't fall for it, you've already proven to be strong and resilient and you can do this on your own. I would cut all contact with him to be honest, it's obviously confusing and distressing with all the mixed signals/mind games he's playing and you now need to just concentrate on you and your daughter and your pregnancy.

He says he's broken, Beyond devastated etc etc.
He told only two weeks ago that he had to tell his ex (sons mum) that we split when we broke up and that prompted her to ask questions and now apparently she said that if we got back together he wasn't allowed his son?!

He's not broken, he's not in bits, it's all an act. He did this.

Oh, and the whole his ex will stop him seeing his son if he gets back with you, more lies. He's using it to string you along.
Just stop talking to him and don't give him your new contact details. Seriously, he is harmful to you and your children, this man is no good and is an abusive scum of a man. WHy would you even talk about getting back with him?

Contact some therapy services/women's aid because you need help moving past him. You shouldn't be anywhere near him or speaking to him, he's using you for his own jollies again by stringing you along with possible reconciliation, only to snatch it away and hurt you all over again.

When I get to the end of my tether after he says he needs an infinite amount of time to "fix" it and then I don't hear from Him - I have to text him to say I'm moving on and I can't do it. This then prompts him to then say things like "see - just when you get me thinking it could would you go and throw the boot in

Seriously, he's stringing you along. Why give him another chance?

Say he does eventually take you back, how wonderful of him to forgive you! But say he does? You have your baby and are ill afterwards. Then you cannot make it to his sons football game. Go to the hospital and arrive home to find yours and your two children's things packed in boxes in the front garden as he's kicked you out again.

Do you not realise what he truly is? Can you not see what he's done to you and is still doing to you in stringing you along?

If not for you, for your two little girls, remove yourself from this man.

I've tried so hard so cut him out and I have and then I end up contacting him again! I know it's pathetic!
Honestly, I thought I was one of the strongest people I knew... until this!!

I do love his son, that's absolutely right. I miss him so much. I've offered to try and sit down and sort it with him but apparently I'm not allowed! I just get a "how can that happen?" Response!
It all seems so unnecessary.

Just read through this entire thread. I'm so confused! Why? God if I'm feeling like this you must be even more so. It makes no sense. Do you think it's some kind of mental breakdown? He's clearly just used the report as a reason to flip but it doesn't add up to me. Op you sound like your amazingly strong. I would cut contact though. Don't tell him you can't do this. Saying nothing says it all. Concentrate on your girls and yourself x

He’s given you a message loud and clear OP, you’ve offered to sit down with his DS and reassure him, but he’s unwilling to do so, he isn’t trying to fix things at all! Cease all contact with this man immediately, his mind games are not good for your health and well-being and that of your unborn child. I can’t imagine how scared and confused you must feel, but you are not alone! I do agree with PPs suggestions that the flip out over the report was a ‘red herring’ and he’s using that as an excuse to gaslight you and treat you in such an appalling way - I mean, who the fuck throws out their pregnant partner?

He's a liar, OP - there's something else in the background, an OW I suspect, but he's busily trying to bamboozle you with this narrative about his DS, blah, blah, blah.

It's all shit. He's not heartbroken or anything else for that matter apart from being a ruthless bastard who doesn't want to appear to be the bad guy by dumping his pregnant partner so is hiding behind a made-up story about his son.

What a worthless individual he is. Please, please see this for what it is. He is a toxic, self-indulgent coward who will do exactly the same to the next poor woman he moves onto. Please don't put him on the birth certificate - set you and your baby free or you will be tied for years to this inadequate Machiavellian game-player.

Why do you feel you need to contact him? Why do you want to go back to him?

Do you really feel you could ever get back to where you was? Do you think you could ever live without the worry at the back of your head you'll end up on the streets when he deems you haven't treated his son well enough?

Have you been a sufferer of abuse before, in your childhood perhaps? It's just you seem so accepting of his behaviour and are still going back for more, even though you know what he's done to all three of you, and you seem to believe he really is hurt over this, when it's evident he gives zero fucks about you all.

Hi OP, Big hug to you & this totally shit situation

By contacting him, you are giving your power back to him & you give him the opportunity to reject you once again & keep you exactly where he wants you to be.

You are letting him know that you still care about him, otherwise you wouldn't contact him.

The only way forward, is to go NC. That way you keep 100% of you power. He can't touch you (or hurt you anymore)

I speak from experience, my exh left 3 weeks before our 3rd DC was born & then played me like a fiddle, i'm coming back, no i'm not!! i put up with it for far too long, but finally, one day I woke up & smelled the roses & realised that he was only hurting me because i was allowing it.

I went NC & it was the best thing for me & my lovely DC. We now have an incredible life & his is shit (shame!)

I wish you all the best lovely lady xx

apparently she said that if we got back together he wasn't allowed his son

Well that sounds extremely unlikely, given what you already know about his habit of lying about facts to present the narrative he wants.

Time for you to focus on your DD and your new house and baby when they arrive. This man has thrown you out at your most vulnerable, he was your safe place and soul mate but no more. This nonsense about his DS is exactly that. You didn’t give his DS as many cuddles as your DD? Really.... and what’s he planning to do when this baby is born.... nothing? It’s all bizarre and you need to stop contacting him. Focus on getting your life back on track.

I agree with ledzeppelin. It's time for you to focus on your DD and your unborn daughter. Your ex is toxic and this stress is not good for them.
Picture a box in your mind's eye and label it "to be dealt with". Every time your ex comes to mind put the thought of him into the box and lock it. Then do something and concentrate on that. Could be anything - making a cup of coffee, sorting the kitchen cupboards, paint charts, whatever.
Block and delete him. Deal with him after your baby is born.

I'd delete all contact info from your phone.

I know I need to move on and stop thinking of him. It's so hard when you're carrying his baby and you're all alone. It's so hard!
I've never experienced anything like it! 😔
Thanks for the mental box tip.
I've bought a new book - already read it! 🙈
I'm thinking of enrolling on an online course?

This is a bloody circus.

Yes, a course sounds like a good idea.
Also , I think reading aloud to your Dand having a chat about the story would help to both ground you and take you to a different place. Let her choose the books. At this age maybe a chapter a night?
Baby names. I truly spend hours on that thread, despite the fact that I'm not expecting.

DD and