Pregnant and he's thrown me out

[Windmill1828]

Hi everyone - I'm turning to you lovely people to help me!

So it's a long story...

We met a few years ago, hit it off straight away. He was a gentleman, good job etc etc. Treated me like his best friend. We supported each other, we laughed like nothing before. It was just amazing. My family loved him and his did me.
He had a little boy and I have a little girl from previous marriages and they got on so well.
He began to stay over at mine more and more and before you knew it we were practically living together.
I saw him every night almost the whole time we were together and we had his little boy every other weekend.
We holidayed together and started to build a life together.
We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day.
We chose a new house and it was being built.
On New Year's Eve he asked me to marry him! It was the most amazing time of our lives.
The house was supposed to be finished in Feb but kept getting delayed so we were living out of boxes which wasn't ideal but ok.
Then in March we found out I was pregnant! We were over the moon. But that turned into disaster when it turned out to be ectopic just before our engagement party.
He was by my side through the operation and was so sad afterwards. He was distraught!
We were told that to be on the safe side we would need to have ivf to bypass the use of my tubes but probably wouldn't have much trouble conceiving as we just had by ourselves albeit in the wrong place.
We left it three months and then decided to go to a clinic in London to discuss the details. The nurse said yep, we could go for it but as I was 36 and he was 38 to not waste any time.
We had a holiday planned in August but she said it would be fine to still go if we did get pregnant before as we would be over 12 weeks.
So we went home, discussed it and we both agreed to give it a shot!
Next thing you know we are booked in and ready to go. The drugs came and I started injections.
Now anyone who has had IVF will tell you it's not easy. All the travelling on its own was hard. The hormones. The weight gain. The tiredness. It was draining but so worth it that I didn't make a big fuss because I didn't want it to be a big thing if we needed to go through it again.
He even did the first injection with me and held my hand.
There were a few bumps along the way and at points thought we might have to cancel due to complications but to cut a long story short we got pregnant!!! I did about 500 tests!!!
You have to carry on taking hormones after the positive test and on top of the begins of pregnancy (morning sickness/ extreme tiredness etc) but we carried on.
Then my Nan who was so close to me died which was awful.
And then I started a new job as I was full time and we decided that I didn't need to do that anymore.
We moved into our new house when I was 6 weeks pregnant And were busy organising it for the first week.
Then we had our first scan. Another trip to London, all very scary to see if baby was in the right place. And it was! Lovely heathy heartbeat! We were made up. He even stopped on the way home to buy it a little outfit!

We picked his little boy up on the way home. I was so tired after such a draining day and 7 hours in the car that i asked if he could feed the kids while I had a little lie down, to which he said yes.
I went to sleep for about 10 mins and was woken up by the kids playing!
I was a bit miffed he could have kept them quiet but went downstairs and sat at the breakfast bar while the kids ate their dinner and I was sewing a blind.
He said to me that his little boy had done well in his school report to which i said "oh well done" and then thought oh crap where is my little girls report?!! And proceeded to ask her.
That was it.
He sent the kids across the road to the park and he said "I don't wanna make this into a big thing but why were you like that about the report?"
I was fed up anyway and said "what?!! What about it!?" And we blew up and has an argument about how I should've been more enthusiastic.
I just needed to get out of that house and that situation so I said I was going to go back to mine to continue to sort it out.
I was so upset that I decided to stay there and talk about it in the morning.
Well in the morning he was furious that I'd gone and taken My daughter. There was no talking to him.
He didn't have the best childhood in the world but certainly not the worst but he said that it triggered a memory of something that happened to him when he was a boy and he won't have his son feeling like that!!!
We spoke about it and sorted it that night. Had a nice evening together and took the kids out.
Then the next morning he said "I'm sorry but I still feel like I can't do this."
As you can imagine it went from bad to worse.
He spoke to his sister who obviously said he can't have that and then decided to block me on fb and told him to tell me and my daughter to leave. Which he did.
I had my first midwife appt that following day and by the time I came back to the house he had packed boxes.
He said some horrible things like:
He had doubts the week before he asked me to marry him
He wasn't in love with me
How could I treat his kid like that?
Very hurtful things

He then got a van and dumped all mine and my daughters things back at my sold (but not completed just yet) house.

So basically, I'm pregnant
I soon have no home or anywhere to live
I have a temp/ part time job
No money
And I little girl who has no idea what's happened.

So that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then not much has happened. He has sent the wedding venue an email to cancel it even though it was only booked a matter of weeks ago.
Most of my messages get ignored.
Until I sent a nice one to which he replied "he was broken"

This guy was all about family: he treated my little girl like his own. Me like a queen. There wasn't a day went by that he didn't tell me how lucky he felt and how much he loved us.
How can you go from all that to nothing over night? To creating a life to walk away from it.

All over this.!

I am obviously heartbroken. Lost. I feel like I've had my whole life ripped apart and now I have nothing.
I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.

Any ideas?

Xxx

It sounds like he narcissistic personality disorder. He's a total sociopath.

Stay strong op, you'll do your girls a better service raising them without a dishonest self obsessed sociopath as their example of a male model. You are doing great x

I did feel sometimes like I was the only one parenting him Maybe it's attitudes like this that made him reevaluate? I'm wondering if his side would be him and his son were celebrating a great report and you skimmed over it to see if you daughter had done better?

There is obviously more to the story and you will both tell the side to put yourselves in the best light.

He has the right to end the relationship if he's unhappy but he should not have kicked you out whilst pregnant, that's heartless and cruel to your daughter. Obviously no one knows if he planned it or if he just woke up to realising he's unhappy.

You're in a better position than many. Obviously you shouldn't have given up your house and job but you'll have money from the house sale I assume. Look for full time work asap. There's no need to contact him until after the baby has arrived to discuss contact and maintenance.

Ah for some reason only the first page had loaded up so I didn't know the rest of the info!

But it is still true that you don't need to contact him til the baby's born.

I wouldn't want someone like that in my child's life.

And yes I do know exactly what I'm saying. I wish more women were wise to these terrible men, therefore terrible, horrifying fathers ; a blight on the life of the family, therefore child, in perpetuity.

Iiwy I would slink away and keep as quiet as a mouse. No mention of any child ever.

@springydaff yeah, that's the plan.
I swear he fooled not only me but my entire family and all my friends!
He is a terrible man and my little girls are best off without him in our lives!

I've not been dealt an easy hand through my life but this by far is the worst thing that's happened to me, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry, my heart doesn't break for what it should've (I thought it could've) been BUT we are gonna be ok, I will make sure we are xx

Ah you xxxx

OP I'm so sorry you've had this done to you you sound really together and strong for your wee girls.
I think his manipulation of the situation is very deliberate - he engineered a situation where you had no secure home, limited income and were vulnerable and pregnant - then kicks you out AND rewrites history (social media deletion and not doubt verbal story twisting to make himself the utter victim/good guy) he clearly wants the "perfect" life as the "perfect " father BUT can't deal with the work required from HIM, so he splits and because he cannot deal with negative fallout or guilt or responsibility he rewrites history to make it not his fault.
Do not put him on the birth certificate - this would hand him the power to take your infant "out for a few hours contact" and refuse to return her - the police can't get involved and you'd have to go through the court's to get her returned to you. (Sorry horrid case scenario, but it is true) your medical appointments are for you as well as the baby - he should not be there, he has no right at all - his entitled behaviour is staggering. Your dds deserve a psychologically stable environment - his involvement in their lives would destroy that. could you change to your maiden name (dd1 have your maiden name as an address on double barrell) and dd2 your maiden name? Therefore a clear link between you three?
Best of luck.

That Pinterest thing really sounds quite weird. Like he is researching how to 'act' the part of being someone in love. I'm afraid I think Whittling has it with sociopath. How do you think he would measure up against these indicators of psychopathy?

1.Uncaring "callous unconcern for the feelings of others"

1. Shallow emotions - particularly a lack of social emotions such as guilt or embarrassment
2. Irresponsibility and 'blame externalisation' i.e. blaming others for things that are their fault
3. Insincere speech - ranging from glibness and superficial charm to downright lies
4. Overconfidence - a grandiose sense of self worth
5. Narrowing of attention - psychopaths will focus on one narrow course of action without taking into account new or different information leading to impulsivity
6. Selfishness and egocentricity leading to an inability to love someone else and to 'parasitic lifestyle'
7. Inability to plan for the future, a lack of long term goals
8. Violence - including a low tolerance of frustration and frequent irritability

From what you've said, he definitely meets some of these, but whatever our armchair diagnoses, you've clearly had a very very lucky escape.

@Haffdonga I'm not sure about most of those to be honest but for sure, some of them!

Im feeling much much less hurt now just feel like there's emptiness now it's just me and DD, like we were always busy and now we're not but that won't be for long so I'm making the most of it! 👶🏼👶🏼

How are you doing, OP? How are you coping?

@windmill1828 how are you doing now?

How are you?

@MNHQ is there a way for you to check on OP to see if she’s ok?

Hi!
Sorry, I've been so busy trying to sort my life out!
Update: I still miss him terribly.. urgh.. trust me, I wish I didn't!

He says he's broken, Beyond devastated etc etc.
He told only two weeks ago that he had to tell his ex (sons mum) that we split when we broke up and that prompted her to ask questions and now apparently she said that if we got back together he wasn't allowed his son?! He told me that he was trying to fix it. He needed time.
So I gave him some and then he came back saying too much damage was done?!
Very up and down still.
I've completed on my house and I'm back at mums which is killing me: only for another month until my house is ready!!

I wish I could turn off my feelings so badly! I wish I could find this anger people speak of. I wish for so many things.
I'm 5 months pregnant now and it's so lonely. It's the worst thing ever.
Xx

Sorry to hear what an awful time you're going through. You have dodged a bullet though and although it doesn't seem so now, you'll be much happier in the long run.

Your KOKO motto is s good one and it'll get you out the other side of this. Be strong for your girls

I can't believe all this because you didn't have the right face when he spoke about a school report. It all came from that.

Dickhead.

I hope it works out OP. Not with him, just for you. I can't understand why he hasnt woken up by now. It sounds like you would take him back if he did and in the situation you're in I can understand why you'd feel like that. But I really hope it takes him longer, until you feel strong enough to tell him to fuck right off.

You have been so strong OP.

If it was me I would reply with, "Yes the damage is absolutely done! Now please don't message me while I get on with my life and the pain you have caused, unless it's to discuss your unborn child!"

Thank you ladies.

Yeah, he says he's devastated- the two times I've managed to pin him down to speak to him he seemed like it. His default reaction was to hug me, wrap me up - even kiss me but that was a month ago and I haven't seen him since. He says it's too emotional and it sets us back.

I honestly believed him when he said he was trying to fix it. He said he was torn between me and his son
Which apparently is the worst thing he's ever experienced.
He also said that his son towards the end felt second best to my daughter who was a year older and she's the type to crack on and just get on with things - she's very independent and his son isn't so much and apparently
It made him feel not as valued?!?!
Apparently I gave her more cuddles than I gave his son. 🤨
I loved him so much and always did my best by him, I thought I treated them the same. He says he's had conversations with his son to try and "repair" things but apparently his son "won't listen" and so there's no point.
I can almost guarantee that if you gave me 5 mins with him it would be a different story.
The ex was always so paranoid he would lose him or he would think daddy had a new family that it seems like it's become almost a self fulfilling prophecy.

The ex says he's never been so devastated but if it was me I'd have moved mountains to make it right if that was the case. I've tried everything to make him see.. everything.
When I get to the end of my tether after he says he needs an infinite amount of time to "fix" it and then I don't hear from Him - I have to text him to say I'm moving on and I can't do it. This then prompts him to then say things like "see - just when you get me thinking it could would you go and throw the boot in"

I've noticed a spike in his WhatsApp activity and I'm convinced now that there's someone else but that's purely just based on that!

He emailed the wedding venue too and cancelled it.

If I was reading this I'd be thinking the op was well rid too. But when I tell you that it was the most amazing few years of my life with him, it was. I miss my best friend more than I've ever missed anything in my life - and it's even after all this! I know.. I know... I wish I didn't. I wish I could turn it off. I wish I could stop this pain! Any help would be more then appreciated xx

You're strong OP. You're facing the future and sorting it out for yourself and your daughters. Focus on them, and how you're going to make their lives happy. Eat well, get fresh air and rest when you can. Perhaps some meditation or yoga for pregnancy.
This man has some serious issues, and I think you're well rid.
Make sure you don't put his name on the birth certificate.
If he is on the birth certificate he will have Parental Responsibility which means he has the legal right to a say in major decisions affecting her including which school she goes to and whether you can take her on holiday abroad (you won’t be able to without his permission). If his name is not on the birth certificate he won’t automatically get PR but can apply to the courts to get it.

Whether or not he’s on the birth certificate he will still have a legal obligation to pay child maintenance.

He threw you out when you were pregnant. Never forget that. When someone shows you who he is believe him.
The pain of this will pass in time, and you will emerge stronger and ready to move on to better things.

He's suffering guilty Dad syndrome and obviously his ex likes to play god with their sons life ! So when he sees something that could threaten him seeing his son he bails!
He is obviously failing to realise that court can deal with contact so she cannot stop it when she feels like it etc he wud then never have to 'choose' between u n his son ! Sounds as though whatever u do he will never change and become more and more childish in the future.
I once went through a horrendous breakup where I felt dead afterwards
When my ex left me and my grandma said to me
" if he said loved you and he can walk away so easily from you , then Maybe he didn't love you really at all. As that is not real love." That's hurt like a knife in my heart but truth hurts
This is not love OP and now u need to start feeling angry it will help you move on quicker trust me ..how dare he do this to u and your unborn child ., if he can do this to her and she's not born he will have no problems doing it in real life. He basically lied to you the whole relationship too as he would never have treated u this way. Start gettin angry don't hold onto it for too long tho completely cut him
Off block him
He does NOT DESERVE TO BE IN YOUR LIFE .
If He even wants to speak to u he has to turn up
At your door. Good luck u will be fine x

He didn't even talk to you about it and give you chance to put it right.

He's stringing you along and making this even more painful for you when you are carrying his unborn child - his much wanted, fought for unborn child! Putting you under this much strain isn't good for her in anyway.

He has completely sold you - and her - out. And now he's spending all his time on whatsapp .

Pleaae get angry. I am fuming just reading about it

Ps - i really think you need to block him, being able to monitor his whatsapp activity is not helping you in the long run. You won't be able to heal if he is able to keep you dangling

Thank you! I don't know if the reason I can't get angry is because he feels he's protecting his son? Although he has told me over and over " I know you love him and wouldn't want to hurt him but he feels how he feels" 🤨
It's no wonder I'm confused!

I wish there was a pill that I could take to make this all go away. The pain is still unbearable!

He says " I'm not doing this to hurt you or punish you" which makes me believe he knows I'd never do anything to upset his son else surely he would be angry at me!

Honestly.. what should I do? X

Don’t talk to him.
He’s stringing you along.
Imagine you DID get back together. You would spend the entire time modifying your behaviour with his kid AND your daughter. You’d have to show less love to your daughter out of fear of getting dumped again.

Get angry
He is lovin second of this he gets a kick out of playin god in your life !

TAKE BACK CONTROL. Block him
Move forward and this pain will
Do I promise. He is CHOOSING TO NOT BE WITH YOU. HE CHOSE TO THROW YOU OUT. HE CHOSE TO ABANDON YOU BOTH.
I'm sorry but he doesn't love or want you. STOP tryin to read into every thing he says or does as he knows what he is doing. Take back control of your life OP PLEASE!