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Original poster

Alcohol problems - should I walk

202 replies

crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 16:54

I think deep down I already know the answer to this but it doesn't make it any easier. Been seeing a guy for 8 months now. Mainly only see him every other weekend with my DC being here most of the time.
I have very strong feelings for him and he genuinely seems to love and adore me. However, his life is in a right mess after his divorce and he isn't working and living back at his parents. He has told me he has been signed off unfit for work at the moment due to his OCD which I found odd as I've never seen any signs of this. I started to have suspicions about his drinking a while ago so I confronted him. He completely denied he had a problem and said he wouldn't drink at all anymore if that't what I wanted as I was more important to him.
So the other day, he left some stuff on my table that had been in his pockets and one of them was a 'fit to work' note from his doctor saying he is unfit for work due to 'alcohol problems/drinking'.

Obviously I'm devastated as this just tells me he clearly does have a problem and its way bigger than I realised (not to mention he's been lying).
I've not confronted him about the doctor's note yet. I'm worried he will try to wriggle his way out of it.
Not sure what advice I'm asking for but I'm genuinely gutted as I just can't get involved with someone in this sort of mess. My ex's brother died from alcohol abuse so I see what it can do to people.

OP posts:
springydaff · 18/08/2018 16:58

Yes you need to walk. I'm so sorry 🌸

ovendoor · 18/08/2018 16:59

Were there not children involved, given the strength of your feelings, I would probably ask if you felt as though you could stick with it. He is obviously seeking help for his addiction, yet may not feel ready to talk openly about it.
However, given you have children it is not wise to get caught up in this, and that is not unreasonable.

Hugs, it sounds such a difficult situation.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/08/2018 17:00

You know you have to walk. Do it now before you have committed too much time to him and his outright lies.

DonkeyPlease · 18/08/2018 17:03

Bin him off. A liar and an addict will ruin you and even if he doesn't spend time with your DC, your DC will suffer because you'll be drained and emotionally wrung out due to his lies and shit talk.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 17:07

Well I mean I knew he had to be too good to be true. Typically he treats me like a princess (obviously not the lying of course) and i've never had that before (had a horrible 15 year relationship).
Only I could manage to fall for someone like this. Its such a waste.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 18/08/2018 17:12

Have you read about codependency? Many of the personality traits that would make you stick a horrible relationship for 15 years are the same ones that make an alcoholic attractive to you.

Definitely get rid of him.

Then start learning about being a person prone to codependency. It is possible to manage yourself to stop the codependent traits getting you embedded in these horrible situations in future.

shockthemonkey · 18/08/2018 17:13

I’m so very sorry OP. I don’t think you have much choice as I know what alcohol eventually does to wonderful people. It’s tempting to try to fix him but IME that’s hopeless, and commits you to years of stress and heartache. Don’t go down with him and don’t expose your kids to this, is my advice 💔

SarahJop22 · 18/08/2018 17:16

Why did you have your suspicions? Does he drink a lot when he's with you?

He may be trying really hard and be on the way to recovery. If he can do it, you may be throwing away a potentially good relationship.

I suppose it depends on the extent of the problem and how hard he is prepared to try to put it behind him. If it's going to cause you grief and heartache then yes, run. However, if he is a decent bloke who's just had a bad run of things but wants to change, he deserves a chance?

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 17:17

I know i have to end it. I'd never trust him and would always suspect him of secret drinking. I know how devious alcoholics can be. They lie to themselves too.
I don't think I'm co-dependent or I wouldn't be ending this. If I'd had the facts at the beginning I would never have got involved.
I do see now that his behaviour at the beginning of the relationship should have been red flags though as he was very full-on with his feelings early on. I suspect, now, he's been looking for someone to get him out of this hell he's in. It can't be me, it has to be him.

OP posts:
Jupiter9 · 18/08/2018 17:18

Sorry but you need to walk. 🌷

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 17:22

#SarahJop22 I noticed he would drink quite a bit at weekends but then I like a drink at weekends too so at first this wasn't an issue. He even told me he doesn't drink during the week. For the first few months I had no suspicions at all but on one particular weekend (a couple of months ago), I found an empty bottle of wine behind my wheelie bin (which I hadn't seen him drink). He also started nipping out to 'walk the dog' without me more often. I confronted him and he (of course) denied he had a problem and that he just gets carried away at weekends. He never really fully explained the hidden bottle.
I know what you're saying, that he might be trying hard and yes he is a decent bloke who has had a terrible run of stuff happen to him but...... do I risk this when I have children?

OP posts:
SarahJop22 · 18/08/2018 17:43

I don't know. I just think that people can, and do change. If he was getting paralytic all the time and posed a risk to you/the kids then I'd definitely say leave. But, he seems to be managing it relatively well so far.

I come from a family with some very heavy drinkers/alcoholics (mostly men). Some of them manage to be wonderful fathers who just happen to drink too much. They manage to keep it in check though. Others (including my father), not so much. There was abuse, nastiness and aggression from him.

Some people rely on alcohol to deal with their problems but don't spiral into a pit of self destruction. Some successfully manage to give up and live happy lives without it. I suppose it depends on the person.

If his drinking hasn't caused you any issues so far, then his problem is just that, his problem. How about you recommend a couple of weekends without booze and see how that goes down? It will test the water and see if he can cope without it and if he can put you before the drinking. You will be able to assess how much of a problem he has.

It's a complicated issue. I understand your dilemma but I think the advice to run a mile just because of a bit of paper is a bit harsh. If you hadn't seen that, you wouldn't be aware it was such an issue. At least he has recognised he has a problem with his drinking and sought help. Many don't.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2018 17:54

But it is already causing OP issues because if it was not a problem she would not be writing about it here.

I would end this relationship now. You've already stated crappydays that if you had known about this at the start of your relationship you would never have got involved. That alone should tell you what you do now i.e. walk away before you get ever more enmeshed and overinvested in him. You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

Look at what you have learnt about relationships to date and unlearn all the crap you have learnt along the way through counselling if necessary.

You may not think you are codependent but I would read up about codependency in relationships and see how much if any of this fits in with your current thinking.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2018 17:56

Also he has lied to the OP to date and that itself should be a deal breaker. If he can lie about this then what else can he and has he lied about.

The OP has children as well; they certainly do not need to be exposed to an alcoholic.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 17:56

#SarahJop22 I know what you're saying and I do agree to a certain extent. I just worry about the lying and sneaking about though. I gave him the chance to tell him when I confronted him the first time. I'm also now convinced he sneaks out and drinks when he takes the dog out. I'm not sure I can live a life of constantly being suspicious of what he's up to.
I realise he has clearly told his doctor but I;m not aware of any help or treatment he's getting.
I don't know, I'm very confused. I know he will be devastated if I end things. I also worry he will try to lie his way out of this again instead of coming clean and agreeing to sort it out.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2018 18:02

Let him be so called devastated if you end this (which you should); that's an awfully dramatic word to use as well as it being the wrong word here. You cannot speak for him in terms of emotions and you are not responsible for the choices or actions of another person. He hid that wine bottle behind your bin and you think he drinks when he takes the dog out; that is what alcoholics do.

His primary relationship is with drink and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from.

HE has to be the one to want to address his drinking and the root causes of it; if he refuses to do that there is nothing no-one can do or say to help him. He's already lost his job and his life overall is a mess and that is probably all due to alcoholism.

There are no guarantees here crappyday; he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. Clearly losing both his marriage and job have not been enough to make him want to address his alcoholism properly; you won't be enough to make him want to address his alcoholism either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2018 18:03

If you think he is ever going to come clean and as a result sort out his drinking problem you are sadly mistaken. Alcoholism does not work like that at all and it is not known as the "family disease" for nothing either.

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/08/2018 18:04

It is not your job to cure him, even if that were possible.

He knows you have an issue with his drinking. In response to this he lied saying he would stop then made his drinking more secret.

If he's devastated when you split up then that's a good thing. Maybe he will start to think that maybe he should actually stop drinking.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 18:10

#AtillaTheMeerkat deep down I know you're right. My ex BIL drank himself to death despite having 3 lovely children and a supportive family. He even stopped eating in the end to speed up his death, despite the family having just suffered another bereavement. I could tell that alcohol had taken over his life and he just couldn't (and wouldn't) give it up.
I suppose I just hoped that he wasn't as far gone as this. I'm probably kidding myself that maybe he stands a chance of getting better.

OP posts:
singlemominaus · 18/08/2018 18:10

Would you consider going to a al-anon meeting? You would meet other people in similar situations and it might help you make the decision and find the right support to deal with this.

susihol · 18/08/2018 18:16

I really feel for you OP, I lost my DP due to alcohol abuse at the end of last year. The last year of his life was all-consuming, I struggled and I didn't have DC to care for as well . I kept hoping that after every crisis he'd realise what he was doing to himself and to me and seek help. I'm afraid it doesn't happen. Before we met I had an impression of what an alcoholic was, after living with one I realised I had no idea. They aren't "drunk" all the time, they make a big show of not drinking in front of you, but be assured they are doing it behind your back as much as they can. The physical/medical issues that come with alcohol dependency are truly horrendous. He may be a wonderful man with a very serious problem but I'd have to say for the sake of your DC particularly you have to let go. Big hugs OP 🌺

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/08/2018 18:17

You could tell him that when he when he has been verifiably dry for a few months then you'd love to hear from him again.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 18:29

#susihol I'm so sorry to hear of your tragic loss, but thank you for your personal story. You're right, he makes a point of saying he's 'not drinking' sometimes or that he's just going to have 'a couple'. The thought of him sneaking out and secret drinking makes me feel sick and its pretty sad really. He even lost his licence due to drinking last year but he blamed that on the fact he had split up from his ex so was in a bad place. Another lie I suspect.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 18/08/2018 18:30

There is some atrocious advice on this thread. He's an alcoholic and his primary relationship is with alcohol. He is already lying to you and has spoiled your relationship. Not all alcoholics live on the street. An alcoholic in full blown denial is a deceitful, manipulative person who can use charm to draw you in. The way he behaved at the start of your relationship is not real. He presented himself as the person you wanted him to be. Please do not do this to yourself. People telling you to give him a chance do not have your best interests at heart at all.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 18:35

#bastardkitty yes I am starting to see the bigger picture with his behaviour at the beginning. He was behaving in a way he thought I wanted by being full-on, saying how great I was, what a connection we had etc etc. I did find this strange but I guess its what i needed at the time.
I've always been concerned that he was looking at me as his 'way out' so to speak. He has always tried to push the relationship further and quickly but I've always stepped back due to the DC.
What I don;t understand is how he thinks he can hold down a relationship if his main relationship is with alcohol?

OP posts:
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