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Original poster

Alcohol problems - should I walk

202 replies

crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 16:54

I think deep down I already know the answer to this but it doesn't make it any easier. Been seeing a guy for 8 months now. Mainly only see him every other weekend with my DC being here most of the time.
I have very strong feelings for him and he genuinely seems to love and adore me. However, his life is in a right mess after his divorce and he isn't working and living back at his parents. He has told me he has been signed off unfit for work at the moment due to his OCD which I found odd as I've never seen any signs of this. I started to have suspicions about his drinking a while ago so I confronted him. He completely denied he had a problem and said he wouldn't drink at all anymore if that't what I wanted as I was more important to him.
So the other day, he left some stuff on my table that had been in his pockets and one of them was a 'fit to work' note from his doctor saying he is unfit for work due to 'alcohol problems/drinking'.

Obviously I'm devastated as this just tells me he clearly does have a problem and its way bigger than I realised (not to mention he's been lying).
I've not confronted him about the doctor's note yet. I'm worried he will try to wriggle his way out of it.
Not sure what advice I'm asking for but I'm genuinely gutted as I just can't get involved with someone in this sort of mess. My ex's brother died from alcohol abuse so I see what it can do to people.

OP posts:
Original poster
crappyday2018 · 19/08/2018 20:04

@pointythings yes I'm starting to put 2 and 2 together with other things now. The rushing into telling me his feelings. How he seemed to fall for me really quickly. Making out he was depending on me and looking for reassurance all the time. My behaviour also wasn't great as I ignored some of the obvious warning signs and gave him the benefit of the doubt. I need to be more aware of these things going forward.

OP posts:
another20 · 19/08/2018 21:18

So sorry to hear your news pointythings as I have been aware of your situation over many years here on MN. I hope that your DCs can learn to accept and cope with this in time.

OP you have been given unanimous advice here. Let us know when and how you will extract yourself from this relationship and how you will prepare for the inevitable begging, faked crisis and finally turning nasty xxxx

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 19/08/2018 21:34

I'm a very long time sober alcoholic. I have DC in their twenties born after my last drink.

Now I did get sober out of love. I knew my very new marriage wasn't going to survive and I was prepared, as we say in AA, to go to any lengths. I hated the person drink made me.

But my DH knew all about my drinking and my determination to stop and stay stopped. He didn't doubt my sobriety because he could see, smell and hear it. Rigorous honesty is a must if a couple is to come through this.

This bloke isn't showing any sort of willing. He's not being honest with you. He's outright lying about his drinking. I really don't see any benefit to either of you in a relationship.

He'll benefit short term from scrounging off you, but not from all the extra booze he's able to neck. You're not benefiting at all.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 20/08/2018 17:22

Update - so I messaged him. I just said I couldn't see him anymore after finding his doctor's note and that he had lied about his problem.
He replied saying he knew I deserved better and that being with me did help a bit. He then said he wasn't alcohol dependant but was drinking too much so is in constant contact with his doctor who gives him B12 tablets.
So, he's still in denial. If he was simply 'drinking too much' , I can't see why his doctor would say he was unfit for work.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 20/08/2018 17:24

Classic addict’s response.

Great that you’ve told him - now block him.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 20/08/2018 17:26

I will block him. I have some things of his in my house unfortunately so I need to arrange return. I'm going to ask my friend to take them to him as I don't want to see him.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 20/08/2018 17:40

Good for you OP! God idea to get your friend to drop his stuff too.
Alcoholics get given vitamin B1 (thiamine) as this is what they are deficient in. Needs to be bad to be given that though as isn't given for someone who just drinks a bit too much. I used to work on a liver unit and looked after many alcoholics who were all prescribed that. He's full of shit. Don fall for the you've helped me bit. Classic move from him there. Stay strong Thanks

pointythings · 20/08/2018 17:52

Yes, classic excuse. My H was given massive amounts of B12 as part of his second inpatient detox. They don't prescribe it just for drinking a bit too much!

But your eyes are fully open now and getting an intermediary to deal with his stuff is a good tactic. You've saved yourself a tonne of misery.

another20 · 20/08/2018 17:52

Well done you. You really have saved you and your DC years of inevitable shit, pain, drama, depression. Who cares what definition he uses - it’s all the same outcome. Mine used to claim he wasn’t an alcoholic just a binge drinker - now sober he is talks openly and defines himself as an alcoholic. 100% block him on everything.
Congratulations xxx

Loopytiles · 20/08/2018 17:59

Yes, get your friend to drop his stuff off.

bastardkitty · 20/08/2018 17:59

It did help a bit being with you....you've given me a whole new excuse for drinking even more...

Well done OP. Don't look back.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 20/08/2018 18:52

As suspected, he's messaged again trying to make me feel guilty. I've not responded.
I do feel sorry for him but I won't change my mind now. I just find the whole thing rather sad.
Maybe one day I will finally find a bloke who is decent and doesn't have a mountain of problems.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 20/08/2018 18:57

I'm sure you will. Getting rid of no hopers is a good way of ensuring you're free to meet a decent bloke. Good luck, and don't look back.

Alcoholics can make great partners, but only if they're open and honest - and sober. I recommend AA to anyone struggling with alcohol. I will never stop being grateful to the Fellowship of AA for my many years off the booze.

pointythings · 20/08/2018 19:05

You're doing the right thing. It's perfectly possible to wish this man well and hope he recovers while not wanting to be his crutch whilst he is still in active addiction. This man is not ready for a relationship yet. Hopefully one day he will achieve open, honest and sober but it won't be with you.

another20 · 20/08/2018 19:14

Block

PerverseConverse · 20/08/2018 19:54

Yep, block and delete Thanks

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 20/08/2018 21:18

Believe it or not, he asked me to block him. I suspect its because he knows he will get pi*ed and message me, then I will see he is pied again. I've blocked him. He has already sent a clearly pi*ed message to my friend.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 20/08/2018 21:33

I imagine the break up will be dealt with the only way he knows how: by getting pissed. That's not on you though, that's his choice. Get your friend to block him too Thanks

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 20/08/2018 21:45

He's sent her quiet a few now but she is ignoring him for now. She will message him tomorrow when he has slept it off to arrange collection of his stuff. I've told her to then block him.

OP posts:
LanaorAna2 · 20/08/2018 22:35

He lied about drink even when you were dumping him. Classy guy!

well done sweetie.

Backtoblack1 · 20/08/2018 23:03

You have done the right thing. You cannot have him around your children and he will ruin your mental health too. I have recently ended it with an abusive alcoholic. He had also been signed off with and was actually having vitamin b/thiamine injections are he is extremely ill and malnourished. I’ve had to block him as his messsges would get more abusuve as the day went on and he got more drunk. My life with him was pure hell. There was no reasoning with him at all and hiscwas selfish and cruel. I lost my uncle to liver failure so I know where this can lead to. I feel desperately sad that he’s in this state but he was close to putting me in an early grave too.

Gingerlover2 · 20/08/2018 23:20

Speaking as an ex addict, people can and do kick their addictions, I am one who was lucky enough to have done so.

However, usually one has to reach rock bottom, acknowledge they have a problem and either get addiction counselling or attend AA. I did accept I had no control over my drinking once I started and this was affecting my marriage, my work, my relationships with others

Only when the addict wants to stop, will they stop. Those who aren't ready to stop will continue to lie and hide their addiction and do whatever it takes to get their fix.

If you didn't have children then I would suggest you worked with him, see if he's prepared to quit and go from there but you do have children and it is entirely unfair to put them through living with the consequences of addiction. My advice would be to cut it short, go your own way and if he's clean and sober in six months, possibly begin a friendship again but do not put your kids through this.

BlueJava · 20/08/2018 23:29

I'm sorry OP but I think you know in your heart that you have to end it. From personal experience (with DF not DP) you'll have year of heartache ahead.

Gingerlover2 · 20/08/2018 23:30

Oops sorry I didn't RTFT. I think you've done the right thing for you and the kids and that's what's important. Stay strong Flowers

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 21/08/2018 10:06

Thanks everyone. I know I've done the right thing 100%. The fact he STILL lies about his drinking is very sad. He messaged my friend last night saying I thought he was a drinker because of the tablets??? No mention of the doctor's note!!
I feel really down about it all today. I have other upheaval going on in my life so I didn't need this.

OP posts: