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Original poster

Alcohol problems - should I walk

202 replies

crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 16:54

I think deep down I already know the answer to this but it doesn't make it any easier. Been seeing a guy for 8 months now. Mainly only see him every other weekend with my DC being here most of the time.
I have very strong feelings for him and he genuinely seems to love and adore me. However, his life is in a right mess after his divorce and he isn't working and living back at his parents. He has told me he has been signed off unfit for work at the moment due to his OCD which I found odd as I've never seen any signs of this. I started to have suspicions about his drinking a while ago so I confronted him. He completely denied he had a problem and said he wouldn't drink at all anymore if that't what I wanted as I was more important to him.
So the other day, he left some stuff on my table that had been in his pockets and one of them was a 'fit to work' note from his doctor saying he is unfit for work due to 'alcohol problems/drinking'.

Obviously I'm devastated as this just tells me he clearly does have a problem and its way bigger than I realised (not to mention he's been lying).
I've not confronted him about the doctor's note yet. I'm worried he will try to wriggle his way out of it.
Not sure what advice I'm asking for but I'm genuinely gutted as I just can't get involved with someone in this sort of mess. My ex's brother died from alcohol abuse so I see what it can do to people.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 21/08/2018 10:11

Thanks today is the first day of freedom. It's sad and scary at first but concentrate on all you will gain from being without him. Peace of mind being a major one.

pointythings · 21/08/2018 10:24

You're allowed to grieve for the relationship you thought you had. That's normal and healthy. Take some time for yourself, deal with your own upheaval a step at a time and don't feel the need to venture into a new relationship before you are ready. Time is your friend.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/08/2018 10:32

I'm hoping I'm not the sort of person who is predisposed to be attracted to this kind of person
Please do the Womens Aid Freedom Programme.
Most women would have run a mile from someone who doesn't work and lives with mummy and daddy.
Then the rest of it too. You need to spot all of this sooner.

I'm glad you've ended it.
Well done OP.

Loopytiles · 21/08/2018 10:51

Ignore his attempts to make your friends into “flying monkeys”.

Yes, at some point the Freedom Programme would be good.

Now you will have more time and energy for the other things going on.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 21/08/2018 11:12

Thank you, I will try the freedom program. I have also ordered the book 'Women who love too much' also.
I do think that I jumped into a relationship to quickly after my 16 year one ended. I was so scared of being on my own and this guy caught me at a vulnerable time and said all the right things.
Obviously the fact he didn't work and lived with his parents should have been a red flag though, that's clearly something i need to work on.

OP posts:
another20 · 21/08/2018 11:34

Tell you friend not to tell you if he has contacted her or what he has said - this is just prolonging your recovery and putting it at risk. You have wasted precious emotions and time considering and posting about the latest text - the content and intent of which was predicted by everyone on this thread.

Spend time on your DC not the ramblings of a polluted toxic manipulative alcoholic.

Take care of yourself

SarahJop22 · 21/08/2018 12:35

Can I just say that whilst I think OP has done the right thing for herself and her children, I'm finding the terminology used to describe this man a bit harsh.

Saying things like 'get rid' and 'no hoper'.

The man has an issue with alcohol! He's not a feckin' murderer. He's probably a decent man who made poor life choices and is struggling.

Can we please be a bit more compassionate? He's still a human being!

Sorry if I'm ranting but just because he has an issue with dependence it doesn't make him a twat. He probably lied about his drinking because he is deeply ashamed and may well be in denial.

Would you speak in the same way about someone addicted to overeating or with other mental health difficulties?

lilybetsy · 21/08/2018 12:42

Leave.

I'm an 'alcoholic' who has been dry for the last 2 1/2 years. I never missed work, never lost my job / home/ family / but it fucked up my life my emotions and my relationships.

no one will or can recover until they STOP drinking. He is still drinking which tells me he is in denial. This is no environment for your children

hellsbellsmelons · 21/08/2018 13:53

He's not a feckin' murderer
If he were I'd be calling him a lot more than a no hoper.
Not that I called him that, but he has nothing going for him.
And while he is in denial it will not get better. So for now he is a no hoper. Plain and simple!

SarahJop22 · 21/08/2018 14:24

The OP implies that he is kind, attentive and decent company. Why does he have nothing going for him? You can ignore all of his good traits if you want and just focus on his flaws. That says a lot about you and your judgement. Not him.

I don't know the OP, him or you so my opinion is limited. However, describing this man as a no hoper is unfair. We are all flawed in some way.

I hope he sorts himself out and can rise above the judgement that he is clearly subject to (on here and probably in real life too).

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 21/08/2018 15:13

@SarahJop22 thanks for being kind. I genuinely don't see him as a loser or 'no hoper', or at least I have hopes that he is not. I also see him as a human being who is going through an awful time in his life. That;s what makes this so hard to deal with.
I understand why others have been harsh as they are trying to make me see he is no good for me.
I genuinely hope and pray he sorts himself out and gets help and I will continue to worry about him for some time.

OP posts:
SarahJop22 · 21/08/2018 15:40

You show a lot of compassion crappyday. I understand exactly why you have chosen to end the relationship and it makes sense.

I am not sure why people have told you to 'block' him though. Could you still be friends with him or do you think that would leave you vulnerable to him persuading you to continue the relationship?

It's not like he shat on you from a great height. Maybe he needs you as a friend?

I suppose it depends on where your head is at. Difficult situation all round. I feel for you. You have been sensible and pragmatic in your approach to this and I hope it all works out well for you.

pointythings · 21/08/2018 15:52

I never saw my H as a no hoper and a loser either - just as a person who was ill and who was not a good person to have in my life or DDs' lives at that time. Detaching with compassion is a healthy thing to do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2018 15:57

OP patently does not need such a man as a "friend", he is an ex and ex's are ex's often for good reason. In this case particularly good reason and it is nigh on impossible to stay friends with an ex in any case even if they are not alcoholic.

Many alcoholics too are in complete denial of what their drinking has done to both them and others around them.

Your energies OP would be far better employed on your children along with rebuilding your own self worth and esteem.

SarahJop22 · 21/08/2018 16:04

I wholly disagree with you Atilla. Exes can be friends and I don't understand what you mean by 'such a man'. I'm assuming you don't know him. Alcoholics are not inherently bad people and can be as good a friend as anyone else. He's just a person with issues!!

Also, she can still have friends and put energy into her children.

Jesus! Your judgement is phenomenal.

NynaeveSedai · 21/08/2018 16:04

I am not sure why people have told you to 'block' him though. Could you still be friends with him or do you think that would leave you vulnerable to him persuading you to continue the relationship?

Oh jeez @sarahjop22 you're an enabler too. You would also benefit from learning about codependency.

OP please ignore this terrible advice to try to be his friend. Keep him blocked.

NynaeveSedai · 21/08/2018 16:05

Attila isn't judgemental, she's very knowledgeable about addicts. You however sarahjop are completely ignorant about addiction and giving some horrible advice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2018 16:09

sarah

More often than not ex's are ex's for good reason. Who would want to stay friends with an ex anyway?. It also shows an inability to move on.

Your own family of origin taught you an awful lot of damaging stuff here about relationships when you were growing up. I would read up on codependency and alcoholism as these two go hand in hand. Alcoholism is called the "family disease" for good reasons; it does not just affect the alcoholic but all those around them.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 21/08/2018 16:17

I do understand where Sarah is coming from, however, I just wouldn't be able to be his friend.

If I was childless and he had come clean about the true extent of his problem, and asked for my help e.g. going to AA with him etc then yes, I probably would.
However, he is still in denial and outright lying about his problems so he's not ready to be helped yet. I also have to put my DC first.
I do genuinely hope he gets better. He has a lovely son.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 21/08/2018 16:23

Well said @AttilaTheMeerkat and @NynaeveSedai. This guy immediately tried to emotionally manipulate OP into staying with him by saying she'd helped him a little bit. When he got no where he decided to try getting to OP through her friend. He is very selfish as is anyone in the grip of addiction. He is also in denial and lying to try and get out of her ending the relationship. This man is not emotionally (or physically) healthy and as such has nothing to offer in terms of a relationship. Staying friends with a person who lies, manipulates, guilts and refuses to acknowledge why you split with them is ill-advised fucking stupid and OP is right to block him to allow herself to recover and move on. He is not her problem. Yes, he's an addict, but every day he makes a choice to carry on drinking instead of acknowledging he needs help and actively seeking that help. I'm sure his GP won't have signed him off for alcohol dependence without referring for treatment yet he's never mentioned that he's doing this. No one is saying he's a bad guy, but he has nothing to offer OP here and she is right to end things.

PerverseConverse · 21/08/2018 16:23

Cross post with OP.

SarahJop22 · 21/08/2018 16:24

Okay, I'm going to bail here.

Just before I go though, Nynaeve, I know a lot about addiction. It is rife in my family and my Dad died from alcohol related illnesses earlier this year. I was also a mental health worker for years and worked with many people with addictions of all kinds.

But yes, of course, addicts need to be isolated and cut off from society and left to their own selfish and destructive behaviours. They are not worthy of friends or support. Fuck them.

You can't be friends with exes? Well, maybe I live in cloud cuckoo land because I and many of my friends have exes as friends. It's called being mature and civilised.

Good luck OP, I'm out of here :/

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 21/08/2018 16:41

@SarahJop22 thank you Sarah for your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear of your experience with addicts.
I don't want anyone being attacked on here. There is no need really as I have made my decision and won't be going back on it. I think I'm allowed to feel sad for the situation and sad for him.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 21/08/2018 16:52

The end of a relationship is always sad and you need to give yourself time to grieve for the loss of it. Even if it wasn't right for whatever reason there is always a loss of a future with someone you thought you were going to be very happy with. You'll also have some guilt and as you you've said you'll worry about him. That's normal. You haven't been nasty to him or anything like that, you've just been straight with him, told him it's over and why and wished him well. You've done the right thing but that doesn't always make it easier. Give yourself time OP Thanks

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 21/08/2018 16:55

@PerverseConverse thank you, I know this will take time. The advice on here has really helped me.

OP posts:
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