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Original poster

Alcohol problems - should I walk

202 replies

crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 16:54

I think deep down I already know the answer to this but it doesn't make it any easier. Been seeing a guy for 8 months now. Mainly only see him every other weekend with my DC being here most of the time.
I have very strong feelings for him and he genuinely seems to love and adore me. However, his life is in a right mess after his divorce and he isn't working and living back at his parents. He has told me he has been signed off unfit for work at the moment due to his OCD which I found odd as I've never seen any signs of this. I started to have suspicions about his drinking a while ago so I confronted him. He completely denied he had a problem and said he wouldn't drink at all anymore if that't what I wanted as I was more important to him.
So the other day, he left some stuff on my table that had been in his pockets and one of them was a 'fit to work' note from his doctor saying he is unfit for work due to 'alcohol problems/drinking'.

Obviously I'm devastated as this just tells me he clearly does have a problem and its way bigger than I realised (not to mention he's been lying).
I've not confronted him about the doctor's note yet. I'm worried he will try to wriggle his way out of it.
Not sure what advice I'm asking for but I'm genuinely gutted as I just can't get involved with someone in this sort of mess. My ex's brother died from alcohol abuse so I see what it can do to people.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 21/08/2018 16:57

OP’s ex lied to and manipulated her. Fine to wish him well and feel compassion, but OP has nothing to gain by ongoing contact.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 22/08/2018 15:01

So, he's being a bit arsey now (I guess that's to be expected). I've still blocked him but he replied to my friend saying things like 'I don't know why she thinks I'm an alcoholic, just because of these tablets I;m taking'. 'They were prescribed because blood tests showed I was lacking in that vitamin'. 'Can't believe she did it in that way, not giving me a chance to explain'. 'But, whatever'.
I'm not going to lie, I was SO angry when I saw it. I typed a big long message to him.
Don't panic, I've not sent it and I'm not going to.
I kind of knew this would happen. Its still like a knife to the heart when I actually cared about him and wanted a future together.

OP posts:
pointythings · 22/08/2018 15:49

Typing it and not sending it is actually a good way of coping with this. It gets it all out but doesn't compromise your boundaries. Your instincts are sound.

I hope your friend isn't fool enough to believe him about the tablets. Serious vitamin B12 deficiency isn't prescribed for often in that way unless in case of alcohol issues - or in the very elderly. And you know he was lying about drinking. He is still in full active addiction, you know it, you're dealing with it in the only sensible way possible.

Loopytiles · 22/08/2018 15:51

Glad you didn’t engage.

Your friend isn’t helping: suggest asking her not to pass this kind of thing onto you. She may wish to block him herself, unless she’s a mutual friend of you and your ex, in which case it’s up to her how much she wishes to discuss the matter with him.

It was unrealistic to hope for a future with him given his situation. Your future will be much better without him.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 22/08/2018 17:25

@pointythings no she doesn't believe it cos I showed her the Doctor note. He seems to be ignoring that fact and focussing on these tablets (which has nothing to do with it).

@Loopytiles no she met him through me. She's only in contact with him because I asked her to take his stuff back to him. To be honest, his arsey message has helped a bit as its showing me his true colours a bit more. I'd have found it harder to deal with if he had been upset and pleading.

I suspect he hasn't bothered with the pleading as he doesn't want to admit I'm right.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 22/08/2018 17:29

Ah Ok, so once your friend has given him reasonable chances to return the stuff she can block him too.

If he messes her around on the drop off at all she can simply leave the stuff outside his address in a plastic bag and notify him she’s done so by text, then block.

PerverseConverse · 22/08/2018 17:31

True colours showing indeed. The mask has slipped OP and now he's showing you who he truly is. I hope that helps you to heal knowing that you were right to end it Thanks

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 22/08/2018 17:32

@Loopytiles yes she might have to. When he replied to her, he just moaned about how I had got it wrong and finished with him in a shitty way. He didn't acknowledge the dropping of the stuff.
I've asked her to try once more then she will just have to do that.

OP posts:
enoughisenough2 · 22/08/2018 17:34

Only gets worse am married to one .lies lies lies I’d run if I were you

Loopytiles · 22/08/2018 17:34

If he lives with his parents and doesn’t work it’s likely someone will be in whenever she drops off, or soon after, so she should do what’s convenient for her.

PerverseConverse · 22/08/2018 17:34

Charity shop if he doesn't respond. He's hoping you'll get fed up and take it round yourself or contact him yourself to arrange collection/drop off. Stay strong.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 22/08/2018 17:38

@PerverseConverse not sure he's even thinking about that, he's too busy trying to convince my friend he's the injured party. I won't be taking his stuff to him. I'm leaving it at my friend's house tonight so its not here.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 22/08/2018 17:43

inappropriate of him not to suggest arrangements for the drop off and moan to YOUR friend: poor judgment. Poor bloke is impaired by his many problems. But is just further confirmation that you’re best off without him in your life at all.

another20 · 22/08/2018 18:39

No surprises there then with his behaviour.
It’s all about him.
Does he care how you feel?
Nope.
That’s because he is a fraud who turned on the charm to reel you in to exploit you.

More time and emotional energy wasted on this “no hoper / loser”.
Get the friend to drop the stuff outside parents in a bag and she should text him to say it’s done. Then everyone block and delete and get on with your lives - focus you finite emotional and physical energy, time and head space positively on yourself and your children not getting dragged into his polluted negative nonsense.

Congrats you and your children have dodged a bullet.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 29/08/2018 11:48

I'm really struggling at the moment. I've had to keep stopping myself from messaging him. I don't even know why.
Everything is getting on top of me. The sadness of this break-up, my so-called best mate doesn't seem that bothered (even though I spent 6 months nursing her last break-up), I'm looking for a rented house and having to move soon (on my own) and my oldest son is causing me massive grief with his attitude.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 29/08/2018 11:55

It's really hard, I know. But it does get better with time. Try to concentrate on one thing at a time. It's shit your friend isn't there for you but we are so you can talk to us. The NC thread was really helpful to me when I split with my ex. Why is your son being horrible? Whatever else is happening just remember how much harder it would be to cope with an alcoholic boyfriend draining you too Thanks

Thamesis · 29/08/2018 12:02

Stay strong OP. It's not easy but you have done the right thing. And yes, sometimes shocking life events like this can reveal aspects of friendships that are disappointing.

You will get through that too, either with a stronger friendship or with other ones if that person can't stand by you. It sucks but always remember you are building the foundations of a happier life ahead Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2018 12:02

You were right to end this both unhealthy and codependent relationship.

I think you are a very kind person but you were enabling/rescuing him thus giving you a false sense of control. You were completely wasted on this man who just wanted you to use as his latest crutch and emotional punchbag for all that has gone wrong in his life.

You feel low because everything is seemingly getting on top of you currently but it will pass and your son will calm down. But you would make your own life far, far worse if you were to contact him at all again so walk away from your phone. It was difficult enough for you to give him to boot last time and this all happened very recently as well. You need time and space in order to further heal and I would consider counselling. Think on what you learnt about relationships when growing up.

Its still very early days for you and perhaps too you loved the idea of him more than him. You did not really know him at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2018 12:05

What Perverse Converse and Thamesis writes in their entirety. Talk to us people, family and friends can be over invested in such situations in any case.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 29/08/2018 12:06

PerverseConverse thank you. My son is nearly 11 and a total nightmare. He just has a terrible attitude and is constantly giving me grief about having to go to his Dad's. He seems to be struggling with having to spend time between homes. He talks to me like sh*t and argues with me constantly.
I think that is why I'm struggling with the break-up too cos I thought we had a future and he always said he wanted to help me with the kids.
As for my friend, she spent more than 6 months at my house constantly, I never got a minutes peace. Now she has a new boyfriend, I'm lucky if I get the odd hour of her time.

OP posts:
Mumof5x · 29/08/2018 12:10

Havent read through all the replies so sorry of this has been said but why dont you talk to him. See what he says. I can understand why he hasnt said anything to you (although it's no excuse hes prob desperately ashamed) people do and can get through this type of thing. Maybe he's at the end of a very long journey and although not totally well again the best hes been in years. Before you end it..talk to him first. Good luck

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 29/08/2018 12:11

AttilaTheMeerkat thank you. I know for a fact that I'm just feeling alone at the moment. I went through an awful time after my 16 year relationship ended and now I feel like I'm back to square 1 again.
I think I'm more worried about being alone that actually wanting him!
Obviously my friend being in a relationship now is just another added thing but she's always been selfish so this should come as no surprise.
I 100% know I was right to end it and in some ways am proud of myself for doing that.
I'm just having a bad day today I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
crappyday2018 · 29/08/2018 12:14

Mumof5x I do feel bad that I didn't talk to him and at least give him the chance to talk about what's going on. However, the evidence of his drinking problem was there in black and white so I knew he would just tell me more lies and try to convince me I had it wrong. That's why I decide not to speak to him and just message.
He was definitely secret drinking when with me, lied about his sicknotes (said it was for OCD), told me he lost his licence from drinking but I'm sure its not the 1st time and a few other things.

OP posts:
pointythings · 29/08/2018 12:14

You have an awful lot on your plate and you're allowed to feel you're struggling. You also know that letting your ex back in will only make things much worse. Your DS is starting to turn into a teenager and that makes things hard - having to shuttle between homes will make it harder. At some point in the not too distant future you may need to review your contact arrangements. After allt hey have to be in your DS' best interests - not in yours or his dad's.

The house hunting situation is of the 'this too shall pass' kind.

I'd recommend looking into local mindfulness courses if you have space for a little more on your plate - mindfulness is what has kept my head from exploding more than once. Good luck Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2018 12:15

Maybe it would help your son and yourself to attend some family therapy sessions. This does not at all mean you are a bad parent to him, far from it but it seems to me that you both need help here to move forward. He is looking to you as the responsible adult here as well and probably feels that you are more reliable than his dad. He certainly needs stability now and this man would not have given him that.

This alcoholic man future faked you from very early on and you minimised or otherwise missed the red flags that were flying here.

Your friend sadly is a fairweather friend. We've all had people like that in our lives. Cut her loose.