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Original poster

Alcohol problems - should I walk

202 replies

crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 16:54

I think deep down I already know the answer to this but it doesn't make it any easier. Been seeing a guy for 8 months now. Mainly only see him every other weekend with my DC being here most of the time.
I have very strong feelings for him and he genuinely seems to love and adore me. However, his life is in a right mess after his divorce and he isn't working and living back at his parents. He has told me he has been signed off unfit for work at the moment due to his OCD which I found odd as I've never seen any signs of this. I started to have suspicions about his drinking a while ago so I confronted him. He completely denied he had a problem and said he wouldn't drink at all anymore if that't what I wanted as I was more important to him.
So the other day, he left some stuff on my table that had been in his pockets and one of them was a 'fit to work' note from his doctor saying he is unfit for work due to 'alcohol problems/drinking'.

Obviously I'm devastated as this just tells me he clearly does have a problem and its way bigger than I realised (not to mention he's been lying).
I've not confronted him about the doctor's note yet. I'm worried he will try to wriggle his way out of it.
Not sure what advice I'm asking for but I'm genuinely gutted as I just can't get involved with someone in this sort of mess. My ex's brother died from alcohol abuse so I see what it can do to people.

OP posts:
TomHardysNextWife · 18/08/2018 18:36

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you can help or save him.

You can't.

His addiction will destroy him and you in the process.

bastardkitty · 18/08/2018 18:38

He's not planning that far ahead. He just wants you tied to him and responsible for him. An alcoholic needs a codepedent person to look after them and also sometimes to blame.

category12 · 18/08/2018 18:39

I would imagine it's more likely the divorce was caused by his alcoholism, than the other way round. Sounds like he's lost a lot, and is likely to lose his job through his drink problem, and still he drinks.

You would do well to let this one go.

bastardkitty · 18/08/2018 18:44

Oh yes he lost his license through drink driving BECAUSE of his ex. That's how blame works with an alcoholic. He needs someone new to blame and you fit the bill.

upsideup · 18/08/2018 19:12

You dont have to walk, last month my husband celebrated being 10 years sober, we were together for 3 years before that and I am so glad I didnt just walk like everyone told me to.
You also don't know that he's lying about the OCD, my eldest has it and you wouldnt see any signs of it because the intrusive thoughts are in her head.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 19:22

#upsideup congratulations to your husband, that is an amazing achievement. Its nice to hear a positive story out of all of this. I guess that's why I posted on here. My gut tells me to run a mile for mine and the kids sake, but my heart tells me he might get better.

OP posts:
Margie32 · 18/08/2018 19:26

Thank you upsideup for presenting the other side of the story. I am one year sober today and I couldn’t have done it without my DH’s love and support - if he had turned around and left me, as many people are encouraging the OP to do, then I’m not sure what would have become of me.

LanaorAna2 · 18/08/2018 19:29

Life's too short OP. It really, really is.

OCD has subtypes that don't show but it doesn't sound from his behaviour that he has any of them. And you can't drink much on the pills for it. That he would unquestionably be taking, incidentally, if he had OCD badly enough to be signed off work.

He's an alcoholic who's still happily drinking. You've given him a chance. It didn't work. You can do a lot better.

LanaorAna2 · 18/08/2018 19:31

Is he keen on you because he can live rent free in a proper house like an adult and not at home with his parents? Much easier to drink when you're living like an adult.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 19:34

#LanaorAna2 don't think that hasn't crossed my mind. I always wondered if he saw me as an easy route out of his current situation. I've made it clear from the start he cannot live with me and the DC for a long time and he has always said he will wait as long as it takes.
I'm not sure what to believe anymore.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/08/2018 19:36

At 8 months in, OP doesn't need to be taking on the alcoholism of this man that has cost him his driving licence, has him signed off work and likely ended his marriage. He's living with his parents. He's lied about the reason he's not working. He's concealing the extent of his drink problem. He does not sound like a man who is putting his life back together.

OP has dc and her own life to think about. You're not a therapist OP, you're not a magic wand to heal him.

buddhasbelly · 18/08/2018 19:41

As a recovering alcoholic, drawing on my own personal experience I would want any newish partner to walk.

Someone with an addiction needs to admit they are powerless over it. They need to really want help and put it into action. I do this through AA.

I have great friends, a supportive family and workplace but in my darkest moments I knew I had to do this for me and no one else.

I had to be rigorously honest with myself and my higher power, only then could I begin to be honest with other people.

Based on what you've written, it doesn't sound like he's there yet.

Alcoholism is a progressive illness. It will only ever get worse by picking up the next drink. That's why I have to work on my sobriety every day.

I can't do it for anyone else but myself; as an upshot to my sobriety, life becomes more manageable for those around me.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 19:43

#buddhasbelly thank you for your reply. Congratulations on your sobriety and I wish you a long sober future. I also thank you for your perspective on this, it does help a lot.

OP posts:
Sinkingswimmer · 18/08/2018 19:43

You absolutely must end it. I'm married to an alcoholic, take it from me, you do not want to get in any deeper with this man. I'm also amazed he's got himself signed off work by actually stating that as the problem, mine always got 'stress' or 'symptoms of depression' on his unfit notes as generally employers don't look favourably on alcoholism. Run now while you can.

PerverseConverse · 18/08/2018 19:45

Always listen to your gut. My dad was a functional alcoholic and as a child I wished so many times that my mother would leave him. It's messed up my attitude to drinking as I find anything more than occasional drinking in a partner to be anxiety causing. There's always that doubt. Especially if they protest too much. So many people abuse alcohol these days to deal with everyday stress so they've lost sight of how destructive this drug can be. Most people I know drink far more than the recommended maximum a week and frequently binge drink.
Listen to your gut. You have yourself and your dc to think of here. It's not your job to save him. You've now seen some things that were red flags at the beginning. Now he's lied, is secretly drinking, blaming others fr his problems and is out of work and living with his parents? Don't walk. Run. Thanks

LanaorAna2 · 18/08/2018 19:45

It's not you it's him OP. It really is. Everyone who ends up with a drunk thinks miserably to themselves What Is It About Me and the answer is It's Not You. Read stuff about codependency to see if you're unwittingly behaving in one of the numerous (and otherwise normal) ways that enables the whole mess to carry on.

It sounds to me as if he's a long-term alcoholic whose wife threw him out and he's living with his parents because he can't hold a job down or support himself. He hasn't told you this, because... well, I don't need to finish that sentence. He hasn't told himself, either, because... if he admitted it he'd have to do something, and he's got no plans to tackle the problem.

And yes, it would make complete sense that he'd want to live with you because you'll house him and support him financially. Whether you want to or not, incidentally. That way, he can carry on drinking - result!!

I have enormous sympathy for people with addictions, but I wouldn't have a relationship with one until they were out the other side and clean.

Loopytiles · 18/08/2018 19:48

Prioritise your DC, and yourself, and end it asap. 8 months is no time at all to write off.

LanaorAna2 · 18/08/2018 19:48

Don't dump an alcoholic on your kids. Some of them are brilliant people who get pissed too much, and some of them are.... alcoholics. Nasty, lying, mean creatures who can't love anything, particularly not other human beings. By 'not able to love' I mean 'dangerous cunt who may scar them for life'.

Alcohol does not do good things to the brain - it kills the good bits of the personality and grows the malevolent bits.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 19:58

#LanaorAna2 He's never shown any nasty side at all (yet) and has a lovely little boy who he looks after in all the school holidays. I suspect he's one of the nice ones who just drinks too much. That's what makes this harder although I know what I have to do.

OP posts:
category12 · 18/08/2018 19:59

He lost his licence through drink-driving. His niceness wouldn't be a lot of comfort if he'd killed someone.

buddhasbelly · 18/08/2018 19:59

Thank you @crappyday2018

In the past I'd tried to stop drinking for other people (not actually sober in my mental state mind you).

Everytime the result would be the same, I'd convince myself that I could have one, two... Half a bottle... And the madness and destruction would start again.

The hiding empty bottles (I lived by myself, was hiding them FROM MYSELF!), not holding down a job, completely isolated, then if I did meet someone new, would be very sketchy about my past... Just would say I don't drink, it admit what I am, an alcoholic.

I'd be dropped at AA meetings (when I still wasn't admitting to myself the problem) by people who wanted and couldn't understand, why I couldn't stop drinking.

If I had done it to keep a relationship going, in my case it wouldn't have been sustainable and I would still have all the torment in my head even if I wasn't drinking. Essentially I would've been a dry drunk which is no more fun to live with than an alcoholic that is still drinking.

I can only draw on my experience so take from it what you want.

None of my friends or relationships that chose to walk away would have done me any favours, in the mind I was in, it would've felt like I could still get away with it. Essentially because then I wouldn't have needed to be honest with myself.

buddhasbelly · 18/08/2018 20:01

Any favours by staying I mean oops Blush

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/08/2018 20:12

I can see his attraction to you here but what are you getting out of this relationship?. What is the payoff to you here.

Use your brain and eyes rather than listen to your heart and look properly at what is happening in front of you here. You cannot rely on your heart in such matters, you think after all with your head. Heart is a very bad indicator of how things are here. You cannot love someone like this man better nor can you rescue or save here.

Only HE can address the root causes of his alcoholism; coercion from anyone else including you is doomed to failure.

LanaorAna2 · 18/08/2018 20:25

It's heartbreaking when a lovely person is in the grip of addiction. One of the saddest things ever. But...

think of yourself and your kids. He doesn't want to change.

Oh, and one other gloomy thing - much to my surprise, Children's Services really do take an interest if they get wind of addicts looking after children. Most CS cases are addiction, not all drugs, all types and classes. I know two people who were halfway through super-posh rehab when they were buttonholed in the landscaped gardens by a pair of social workers ominously 'wanting to discuss neglect'.

pointythings · 18/08/2018 20:41

You need to walk - because he isn't ready to be in a relationship. He won't be, not until he has addressed his drinking.

Been there, done that, made him leave - and will be burying him in the next few weeks. There are DC. We were married for over 20 years, a couple for over 25 and the divorce was not yet through so I am a widow now. He was a great guy until addiction took over.

My only regret is that I didn't walk much sooner. Walk away now.

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