Alcohol problems - should I walk

[crappyday2018]

I think deep down I already know the answer to this but it doesn't make it any easier. Been seeing a guy for 8 months now. Mainly only see him every other weekend with my DC being here most of the time.
I have very strong feelings for him and he genuinely seems to love and adore me. However, his life is in a right mess after his divorce and he isn't working and living back at his parents. He has told me he has been signed off unfit for work at the moment due to his OCD which I found odd as I've never seen any signs of this. I started to have suspicions about his drinking a while ago so I confronted him. He completely denied he had a problem and said he wouldn't drink at all anymore if that't what I wanted as I was more important to him.
So the other day, he left some stuff on my table that had been in his pockets and one of them was a 'fit to work' note from his doctor saying he is unfit for work due to 'alcohol problems/drinking'.

Obviously I'm devastated as this just tells me he clearly does have a problem and its way bigger than I realised (not to mention he's been lying).
I've not confronted him about the doctor's note yet. I'm worried he will try to wriggle his way out of it.
Not sure what advice I'm asking for but I'm genuinely gutted as I just can't get involved with someone in this sort of mess. My ex's brother died from alcohol abuse so I see what it can do to people.

When you write him the message do not JADE i.e
justify, argue, defend or explain. Then block and delete him and work on your own self more in terms of strengthening and reinforcing your own still too low boundaries here.

The thing with lies is that they stop you from making an informed decision, they take away your choice.

Lies are manipulative tools.

A person that lies does not respect other people.

Good luck in extraditing yourself from this unbalanced relationship.

Give yourself time to heal.

I'm glad you've decided to finish with him.
This was me 20 years ago. I was swept off my feet by him after I'd been through a horrible break up. He was kind clever, charming funny, slightly over the top declared his love for me quite quickly, I met his family and was welcomed into it.
It wasn't long before I realised his lateness was about him lingering in the pub after work. I found out he's recently been in hospital for alcoholism after a relationship break up, but he told me he was managing it. There were episodes of him being drunk but I dismissed it as I believed he was managing it. Our first xmas together he was drink! Every xmas he was drunk I'd wander around the streets walking my dog on xmas day. But he was still sweeping me along on a wave of charm and meals out socialising parties etc.
Gradually it got worse - he lost his job - he lied that he'd taken redundancy but I found the letters from his boss, he lost friends, we had no money - I worked hard to keep us going - and subsidise his drinking then I'd come home to find him sleeping it off and my dinner burnt. The alcohol caused fertility problems but he wouldn't /couldn't cut it back. We'd row about the drinking. I found him lying in the street drunk and had to get him home, I came home from work to find he'd fallen down the stairs and broke his shoulder whilst drunk. Loads of lies, promises, hidden bottles. Money disappearing, Taking the dog out as excuse to drink. I went one morning to the buy the paper instead of him and the shop assistant asked if I want his usual - a miniature whisky???

I was on the verge of breaking up, 'd given him 3 months to sort himself out, he was going to an addiction clinic. Then he was diagnosed with throat cancer - we were told it was the sort that alcoholics and heavy smokers get. He died 9 months later.
20 years on I've rebuilt my life and I'm happy. . It's taken me a long time to get over it. It took me about 3 years before I'd even talk about it.
So, my message is leave leave leave

You are amazing op - first of all to take notice and then to seek advice and then to stand firm. To help keep you strong as strength of course naturally comes and goes - it might be worth browsing the Al-anon website - to see the role we play when we are attracted to men with addiction. (whether we are aware of that at the time or not)

This might help you see the signs earlier should it ever be necessary again and also give you an insight into what you need to feel loved. Al-anon was the place I first learned to love myself. If you love yourself you notice red flags a lot sooner and have higher expectations and know your boundaries right at the start.

Maybe make a list of simple things you love to do so that when you feel sad about whats happened and are missing having someone with you which again is perfectly normal but there is also something you can do to help you feel better.

So glad you are ending it.
I know someone who was a good guy before alcohol took hold of him. He lost his marriage, job and driving licence so very similar. His next relationship was with a younger woman who was besotted by him as he could be so funny and kind. However to his friends he would say she was not a patch on his wife.He was using her to get stability as he couldn't function on his own.
This is when you realise addiction changes people, they become selfish and importantly deceitful.
Whilst you have caught him out lying about work there will be more. As Attila says his primary relationship is alcohol and you will always be low down on the list.
His current lovely behaviour is not sustainable and once you commited to him his guard would drop.

Walk away op you have yourself and your kids to think about. You will
Not be able to miraculously cure this guy, addiction is something that only the one going through it can decide to cure. You had your suspicions and now they've been confirmed! You don't need a big conversation about it you just need to walk away.

Don’t just walk, run as fast as you can.

And block him. He will try to make you feel guilty. He’ll tell you he will change, he just needs your love. And if you don’t take him back you’re driving him to drink. Ignore and block. Ignore and block. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.

Exactly that, the guilt trip is a dead cert!

Run, and keep facing forward. Go to alanon or have some counselling to try learn about yourself, try to make better choices next time.
Best of luck op. You and your child deserve better. This man needs to learn to care for himself but you or anyone are powerless to help him

Yes. Walk. And talk to someone about how YOU ARE FEELING. DrugFam for example.

I'm hoping I'm not the sort of person who is predisposed to be attracted to this kind of person. I met him online and I only saw him occasionally for the first few months so I guess I probably missed a lot of the signs.
I might be scared of being alone, but I'm not desperate enough to stay with someone like this because of it.

@idontknowhattohave thank you for sharing your story. This is exactly the type of life that scares the sh*t out of me and the reason I have to end it. I really have no doubts in my mind now, I just have to bite the bullet.

He was in the AA on and off during the relationship, but to be honest I think it was all for show as he still continued to drink and got very angry towards me whenever I tried to intervene and he started to steal money from me. It was so exhausting for me. He ended up taking a lot of drugs also when I was pregnant and he too, ended up drink driving and lost his license and his job . He then, after everything I went through with him, left me for someone else, when I was at my most vulnerable (had a stroke just before I had my baby) and was left alone with a newborn to look after . I’ve seen evidence that he’s currently drinking all the time with his new girlfriend and still doesn’t work. He seems to be getting worse and therefore is not allowed to see my beautiful daughter (not that he has tried to for the last three month) I sent him an angry email when I realised he cheated on me, and somehow turned it all around on me. He’s very narcissistic and hates when anyone tries to get in the way of his drinking which is why his current girlfriend is a drinker just like him, she’s perfect for him! Wish I never wasted my time on him, but then again I wouldn’t have my amazing daughter ! This monster made me ill and I’m still recovering mentally and physically. I understand the want and need to help someone, but the person you should be looking after most is you. If I could go back and give myself advice it would be to be out and don’t waste your time on someone who brings you so much stress, that’s not what a happy relationship is. You and your children need to be happy and stress free. Good luck to you ! I know how much strength it takes to get through this xx

@Shazzyj87 thanks for sharing more info. I'm sorry you went through such a horrendous time with him but massive congrats for getting through the other side and being free of him. Its sad that your daughter doesn't get to have a relationship with her Dad but it sounds like that is definitely for the best. I hope you have made a full recovery health-wise!
The more of these stories I read, the worst I realise this could get. I'm so glad I posted.
@AttilaTheMeerkat I've just ordered that book so will give it a read.

💜

A PP’s suggestion of a simple message - or phone conversation - and then no further contact whatsoever seems good.

He may be sincere in his affections for you, and have many good qualities. But lying and alcohol problems are deal-breakers and you are rightly prioritising your DC and self. He needs to deal with his own issues (or sadly, continue to damage himself).

Perverse Converse, perfect email or text to end it. Then block. Well done op for saving you and dc from the inevitable shitstorm this guy will bring

I don't buy that the "nice" drunk routine is a get out of jail card as PPs have suggested. Obviously is not as bad as the aggressive, abusive violent type - but it is still major emotional neglect for partners and DCs.

Those fumbling, gentle "kind" types are just as selfish.

It is not possible for them to be emotionally attuned or connected in their relationships with their DC - the are "absent" 24/7 - when they are drunk, when they are hungover and when they are obsessing. So they are not nurturing and kind to the DCs. They are irresponsible and neglectful. This is not good enough. This type still piss away family money, cause chaos and shame their children which does massive emotional damage throughout adulthood.

Walk away - it is their journey and responsibility to fix. Even if you cant do it for yourself - do it for your DCs - they already have been blighted by a family break up - they now dont need a mother distracted and running around giving her finite time and emotional energy to some drunk - re direct it to them and yourself.

Being in a relationship with him is also enabling his alcoholism - not his recovery as you provide a false front that he is functioning.

Pull that away - and who knows he may reach is rock bottom and turn himself around - but that takes years - dont waste you time on him.

He has often used self pity a lot. He will often say things like "I don't know why you're wish me" and "I'm not good enough for you". I thought this was just insecurities because of his work/living situation.

I was in a 4 year relationship with an alcoholic and it almost destroyed me, mentally, emotionally, financially and physically. I stayed with him because I thought I could help him. I couldn't. You can't help an addict, they have to want to help themselves. Please leave now. I wish more than anything I hadn't stayed as long as I had. A year and a lot of counselling later I'm doing great but those 4 years were he'll. For your sake and your children's please walk away.

OP that's very typical of emotionally abusive men. Towards the end of my relationship and certainly after I ended it I read up a lot on emotional abuse. It opened my eyes so much to all the subtle things he did that were all part of the pattern "sex with you is the best sex I've ever had. My ex wife was really weird in bed and had to do things a certain way." This was code for "don't ever tell me you're not happy with our sex life because that will make you just like her and my fragile self esteem will suffer dreadfully." He ended up actually telling me I was like his ex in many ways yet it was HIM that was weird and needed things a certain way. Me saying I wasn't happy was met with how much I was like her and how if we didn't do things how he wanted them then he couldn't perform and he didn't get why I was saying we weren't compatible because it was the best sex he'd had. He'd sulk dreadfully and I started feeling coerced into having sex. Once you start reading you'll start getting lots of lightbulbs going off.

Thanks @crappyday2018 you will get through this and you'll come out stronger.
Re- reading and thinking about what I wrote got me thinking about the kind of person I was then and how I got myself caught up in this situation and why I'd stayed . I saw myself as being a strong person who people often described as being confident I have a BA, an MA and a teaching qualification and held down a responsible management job. I come from a close Irish family - although looking at it, several of my family have had alcohol problems and a cousin recently died from an alcohol related problem. So you could say I'm used to being around drinkers and pubs but I don't or can't drink much myself.

Perhaps i should have talked to people like you are doing but I didn't ever talk about his drinking - people knew but I would block them if they ever tried to talk about it. I ended up feeling alone and isolated and not knowing how I could leave him and start again. I wondered what people would think - that they might blame me for his drinking or for abandoning him. His mum actually told me I wasn't "managing him properly" by not stopping him drinking, then later on she told she realised that I was managing him but in my own quiet way. Someone early on in our relationship told me I'd end up being like him - if you can't beat them then join them. I determined that no way would I be like him.

He has a daughter from a previous relationship and sadly, she has alcohol and drug problems - whether it's a nature or a nurture thing with her I don't know but it shows that it's a disease that has an impact on all those who are around it

Good luck

Good luck. You need to protect yourself and your kids.

He is responsible for his own choices in life and has to live with the consequences.

He has often used self pity a lot.

He weaponised his insecurities to hook you. If you are constantly reassuring someone that you are not going to leave, guess what? You're less likely to leave.

Weaponised self-pity is part of the illness along with the lies, the secret drinking, the withdrawal from family - it's all part of the pattern. My H had genuine issues with low self-esteem, but the part of the illness that makes addicts manipulative also means that it is something they will use against you.

It's only now I am out that I am seeing all the tactics for what they were. Despite the fact that I am sad because in the end, drink killed him, I am also still angry.