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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Alcohol problems - should I walk

202 replies

crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 16:54

I think deep down I already know the answer to this but it doesn't make it any easier. Been seeing a guy for 8 months now. Mainly only see him every other weekend with my DC being here most of the time.
I have very strong feelings for him and he genuinely seems to love and adore me. However, his life is in a right mess after his divorce and he isn't working and living back at his parents. He has told me he has been signed off unfit for work at the moment due to his OCD which I found odd as I've never seen any signs of this. I started to have suspicions about his drinking a while ago so I confronted him. He completely denied he had a problem and said he wouldn't drink at all anymore if that't what I wanted as I was more important to him.
So the other day, he left some stuff on my table that had been in his pockets and one of them was a 'fit to work' note from his doctor saying he is unfit for work due to 'alcohol problems/drinking'.

Obviously I'm devastated as this just tells me he clearly does have a problem and its way bigger than I realised (not to mention he's been lying).
I've not confronted him about the doctor's note yet. I'm worried he will try to wriggle his way out of it.
Not sure what advice I'm asking for but I'm genuinely gutted as I just can't get involved with someone in this sort of mess. My ex's brother died from alcohol abuse so I see what it can do to people.

OP posts:
Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 20:44

#pointythings so sorry to hear that, such a waste of a life. I intend to get out of the relationship. I had a long unhappy relationship before this so I most definitely don't need another.

OP posts:
pointythings · 18/08/2018 20:56

crappy so glad to hear this. I think you were halfway there already.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 18/08/2018 21:04

Walk for the sake of your DCs, even if you can't do it for yourself.

buddhasbelly · 18/08/2018 21:12

@pointythings

I read your thread. So sorry for what you and your dc are going through Flowers

Every day I am grateful for my recovery. Every day I think and pray (apologies if that offends anyone) for those, both addicts that are not recivering and their loved ones and the torment they are still going through.

pointythings · 18/08/2018 21:20

buddhasbelly I am just glad the OP on this thread has chosen self-preservation. And thank you.

shockthemonkey · 18/08/2018 21:24

Bastardkitty, “atrocious advice” is a bit harsh on pps like Sarahjopp22 who have a different perspective and some very pertinent experiences behind them.

FWIW I also said “walk” but there’s a part of me, pre-grieving for an alcoholic loved one, who loves to hear stories like hers. They’re real stories too and just as valid as yours.

OP, best of luck

heartyrebel · 18/08/2018 21:28

Please walk . I have just left my alcoholic partner after 12 years. Hes now depressed suicidal and drinking even more. If I recognized the signs early on I would have left them but I didnt see till I became pregnant.
Many years of constant lies eroded all trust and respect. he blames me and wont admit it was his drinking. Its affecting our child now she sees daddy acting weird.
Please get out before you get too far in. Hes got a long road ahead of him.

SarahJop22 · 18/08/2018 21:56

Thanks Shock. I have seen alcohol destroy people. My Dad died a few weeks back and to be honest, I felt nothing. He was a shell of a man. He cared about nothing but the booze. However, I have uncles who drink heavily but are kind, loving and sociable and give a lot of love to those around them.

On reflection, especially with more info from OP (especially the driving ban) I think maybe it's best for her if she does walk. Sad though. He sounds like a decent bloke caught in the throes of addiction and it must be hard for him. I think it's probably best he sorts himself out before embarking on a serious relationship.

Unhealthy drinking isn't good for kids to witness and there is always the possibility that he will get worse before he gets better.

OP I would tell him exactly why you are ending it. Maybe that will help him address it in some way. It also means it won't think it's him or his personality that is at fault, further knocking his (probably ready fragile) ego.

shockthemonkey · 18/08/2018 21:59

Sarahjopp22 💐

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 18/08/2018 22:14

Thank you everyone. @SarahJop22 sorry to hear of your experiences. Its so sad and such a waste of a life. That's what I can't get my head around and I hate to think I'm 'abandoning' him. However, I have to do it for my sake and the kids. I will tell him this week.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 18/08/2018 22:41

Hope all goes as ok as it can when you tell him OP. You're making the right decision for all of you Thanks

usernamefromhell · 18/08/2018 23:39

With due respect to those of you who have stopped drinking or whose partners/other halves have stopped drinking... advising someone to jump into a brand new relationship with an active alcoholic is really irresponsible and some of you need to give yourselves a talking to.

The reality is that people who successfully free themselves of alcoholism are in the minority. The majority of problem drinkers won't stop, certainly not until they get to a place where they are forced to confront it.

To advise someone with children who is already seeing red flags to get deeper enmeshed with someone who clearly has a serious drinking problem is pretty reckless.

It's one thing to stick with someone with whom you've been in a long partnership who is committed to tackling their drinking. It's quite another to jump headfirst into a new relationship with someone who is not manifesting any signs of wanting to change.

If this guy's drinking is sufficiently bad that he's been signed off work for it he has a serious problem. I've worked with a lot of problem drinkers and none of them have been bad enough to be signed off sick for it.

If this guy was genuinely trying to start a new chapter and was committed to his sobriety he wouldn't be entering into a new relationship. He wouldn't be getting pissed at weekends or hiding bottles of wine from you. If he was serious about this it might just be worth the candle. In this case he is very clearly not serious about it. Don't ignore the warning signs and don't even consider seeing him unless he has proved to you that he has completely stopped.

Shazzyj87 · 19/08/2018 00:42

I’ve been in your position also. I know how hard it is. I tried to “help” my ex who was an addict and all it did was wear me down and make me ill. I became isolated and would constantly suspect him as he lied to me a lot. He hid alcohol around the house and it became a horrible relationship where he hated me as I was in the way of his drinking. It became very stressful and not the fun loving relationship that I deserved . Love shouldn’t hurt. You will become just as big a problem to him as his addiction is as you’ll be in the way. You need to walk. Love and hugs to you xx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/08/2018 08:28

Tell him as soon as possible during this week, perhaps even today and not the end of the week. The longer you leave telling him the harder it will be for you. Do not fall for tears from him or promises to change.

You are not abandoning him here by doing this; never think that of yourself. I asked you also what you get out of this relationship; the fact you did not reply to that speaks volumes and should cause you to reflect more.

Do consider reading "Women who love too much" written by Dr Robin Norwood and work on strengthening your boundaries here through counselling because they are still way too low. You've had one poor relationship and with this alcoholic man you would have simply embarked on another shit show.

You need to remember too that his primary relationship is still with drink, its not with you. He is with his parents who are doing their own bit of enabling here; enabling only gives a person a false sense of control and it will not help him. Its his choice to continue to drink; losing both his job and marriage clearly were not enough. He could still well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards; that is why I stated there are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism. Alcoholism is a cruel mistress.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 19/08/2018 08:57

@AttilaTheMeerkat sorry I didn't respond to your question but that wasn't deliberate. At the beginning I got affection and attention which had been lacking in my previous relationship. He treated me in a way I hadn't had before - he genuinely seemed to care about my feelings and talks to me about his a lot. Obviously now, given his problems, maybe none of that has been entirely sincere.
The only reason I;m hanging off telling him is because he has his son with him until tomorrow and also his phone is broken so I've not been able to have contact with him properly. His son goes home tomorrow and he's getting a new phone so will do it then!

OP posts:
Original poster
crappyday2018 · 19/08/2018 09:04

@Shazzyj87 sorry to hear you have been through this. Did your ex ever get help after you ended things?
I already know that an alcoholic has to want to give up for themselves. My late ex BIL couldn't do it for his kids or family so I very much doubt he would have done it for a partner/girlfriend. He was so far gone he wasn't even in a position to look for a relationship anyway.
Another red flag is that when he got caught drink driving, he was banned for 3 years. This seemed excessive to me so, after googling, it looks to me like its probably not the first time!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
crappyday2018 · 19/08/2018 09:36

Is it cowardly to send him a long message explaining why I can't see him anymore? I don't think I can face doing it in person or even over the phone as I would struggle if he tried to beg me or broke down.

OP posts:
category12 · 19/08/2018 09:40

No, it's fine to message him. I wouldn't make it a particularly long one, tho.

PerverseConverse · 19/08/2018 09:40

I think you're perfectly entitled to send a message. I'd do the same as you in your situation. I find it difficult to get the right words out face to face or on the phone so prefer to write things down. You can send then block and delete if you feel that will be better and avoid any potential tears and empty promises on his behalf.

bastardkitty · 19/08/2018 09:41

You need to protect yourself. You can do it by any means you wish to. He absolutely will plead and cry and say you've broken his heart and ruined his plan life. I would send an email. Make it clear that the decision is made and there is nothing to discuss. I personally wouldn't say a lot because he will try to argue and persuade you and dispute anything you give as a reason. I would say something along the lines of 'the relationship isn't working for me'. I wouldn't touch the drinking issue.

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 19/08/2018 09:48

Thanks all. I will send him a message as soon as he gets a new phone. Dreading it.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 19/08/2018 09:49

I agree to short and to the point. However I definitely would mention the drinking as there's nothing worse than not understanding why you've been dumped. If you don't mention alcohol he will ascribe any other reason why you've split up with him. He will deny to himself that it was his drinking that ruined things which leaves him free if any responsibility. He'll label you a cold butch or similar and carry on. If you tell him straight why then he can't escape the reason and it will hopefully make him realise that he is ruining all his relationships with alcohol. Might not change anything but he won't be able to blame you. He only has himself to blame and I think you need to be totally straight with him. He might message back and say he doesn't know what you're talking about and try to make this all about you and your problems (trust issues, whatever) which is why personally I'd block and delete after sending. Good luck OP Thanks

Original poster
crappyday2018 · 19/08/2018 09:54

Yes I'm fully intending to explain about the doctor's note and how it has confirmed my suspicions. I suspect he will try to say he has exaggerated his condition to the doctor in order to get more money but I'm already prepared for his excuses. I won't respond to them. I need to be tough.

OP posts:
DaphneduM · 19/08/2018 10:03

Well done for being strong and ending it. You are saving yourself from a lot of anxiety and heartbreak further down the line. There are no winners with alcoholism and I speak from bitter experience here. It's sad because often they are just very nice men but in the grip of an addiction which they aren't able to overcome. It's the looking over your shoulder and wondering if they're lying that is the killer to any relationship. So sorry, and I hope you will meet someone lovely and suitable for you in the future.

PerverseConverse · 19/08/2018 10:07

You sound very strong Smile

"Dear ...., I am sorry but this relationship is not working for me. You have lied to me about your alcoholism (I found the doctors note you left on my table) and the severity of the problem. I am not prepared to tolerate lies and do not want to be involved with an alcoholic. I deserve much better than that. Your addiction has cost you your marriage, your job, your home and your driving license, and now you have lost our relationship too. I wish you well and hope you get the help you need."

Or words to that effect, is what I would send. I've not reached my caffeine quota yet so not very eloquent yet.