What he said in bed

[Watda]

I posted in the sex topic last night but didn’t get any replies and I really need some independent perspectives on my situation.

My boyfriend and I were in bed last night and he had been expecting to have some back door action. I wasn’t up for that and he kept joking I had promised him it and that I couldn’t renege on my promise.

Anyway, we were having normal sex with me on top. I asked him if it was working for him and he replied that it was ‘ok’.

Now I’m not expecting him to see stars but if someone is taking the time to make herself vulnerable to you I think it’s pretty shitty to say that what is happening is ‘ok’. If you want to improve things then we can talk about that outside the bedroom or you can make some of your own suggestions to make it better for you. I just felt so deflated I climbed off.

He doesn’t understand why I’m upset and says it must be because it’s my ‘time of th month’.

Was he being a dick or do I need to get a grip?

[runbeerrunbeer]

How long have you been together @Watda? Why does your mum not like him? Does she get a sense of something you haven't, until now?

Firstly I agree that he sounds like a selfish arse and his actions were, as you say designed to take the wind out of your sails. If he's selfish in bed and doesn't want to explore foreplay as much as you'd like, mentions 5 times about anal over the course of a few days to try to wear you down so you eventually give in, how ever lovely he is out of the bedroom, no way on gods green earth would I have any respect for this chap.

Secondly, you sound (from feeling the need to ask if it's going ok etc) like you're either seeking his approval or insecure/ low self esteem. Which I guess is a result of being around an arsehole like that for however long?

My advice would be to move on. Not because you're not compatible in the bedroom, but because he doesn't respect or care enough to want to make you feel happy, secure and valued. In time I'm sore you'll be a fraction of your former self.

[5LeafClover]

He said you'd promised, but you hadn't. He kept saying it to try to get what he wanted.

He said you thought he'd asked if he was ok, but you know that he understood at the time and said 'ok' in a way to take the wind out of your sails.

He turned the context of the argument away from his behaviors to your craziness.

He knows it can hurt you but it doesn't seem to bother him much.

He was holding you down and pressuring you to do what he wanted.

None of these are nice behaviors. I think you know this but don't want it to be true because if you face it you'll have to act on it. Your initial post seems very minimising compared to later posts. And I notice that you keep coming back to people who say it was ok with more reason to show ( and you were the one who was there) that it wasn't.

How would this type of dynamic (he wants something you don't) have played out in another area of your relationship?

You say your mum doesn't like him, is that for a similar pattern of behaviour but different context?

[AynRandTheObjectivist]

Even if you had promised, you still get to withdraw consent.

[Watda]

I’ve shown him the cup of tea video before. I reminded him about the bit where it says even if someone enthusiastically says they want tea, don’t force them to drink the tea if they later say they don’t want it.

I’m seeing him tomorrow. I’m not sure how I feel about this.

[Ruddygreattiger2016]

Please dump him op, his attitude to women absolutely stinks and If my daughter was treated like this I would be distraught. It really is heartbreaking to see what some young women tolerate and make excuses for. This 'man' is scum.

[Quartz2208]

OP the fact that you have shown him the cup of tea video to remind him about your consent speaks volumes as to the man and your relationship

[AynRandTheObjectivist]

I reminded him about the bit where it says even if someone enthusiastically says they want tea, don’t force them to drink the tea if they later say they don’t want it.

And what did he say in response?

[Watda]

He just laughed at me when I reminded him of this and tried to put his hand between my legs.

[Girlslikeme]

Why would you see him again? Gross

[Watda]

I’ve realised that I am scared of him though. There are bigger problems than him just thinking sex is ‘ok’

[WobbleTime]

Oh god no, he sounds awful. I wouldn’t bother seeing him again if I were you.
Yuck.

[Watda]

I don’t think I will see him again. He has disrespected me quite a bit during the time we have been together.

Friday was the final straw. I will not be made to feel like rubbish just because I don’t fancy a particular sex act.

Thanks everyone.

[Saffy60]

Glad you have made the decision to put yourself first now.

He knows you find anal painful but still wants it in preference that is very damning of his personality. It shouts loudly that he cares about his own pleasure and doesn't care about your pain.

Bin him now, you are worthy of someone who treats you like fine porcelain, not like a blow up doll!!!

Good luck.

[PerverseConverse]

Good decision OP. He's not a nice man and like you say, he's disrespected you several times.

[AynRandTheObjectivist]

He just laughed at me when I reminded him of this and tried to put his hand between my legs.

Ok...well....uh...

Jaysus fucking CHRIST OP, he's a fucking rapist-in-waiting. You explain to him the simplest concept of consent, that no decent human being should need explaining, and that's his response?

Run. Run a fucking mile. There are decent men out there if you only hold out for them. I promise. And even if there weren't, better a million times to be single than shacked up with such a misogynistic pig.

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Decent men are turned on by your pleasure. They automatically stop if they sense you're not having a happy time because their arousal is linked to yours. Very glad to hear you're binning this woman hating lowlife.

[Teaandcrisps]

He just laughed at me when I reminded him of this and tried to put his hand between my legs.

oh blimey - sorry to hear this. That's awful

[Italiangreyhound]

Watda

'I’ve realised that I am scared of him though. There are bigger problems than him just thinking sex is ‘ok’'

What are the big issues?

Ask here for advice. Others may be able to help. His old are you? Is he older than you?

Do you live with your mum?

[eddielizzard]

good for you. Not only did he not take your concerns seriously (anal has hurt you) but he was unkind when you were vulnerable and then made out that you were being unreasonable (time of month). He's not a nice person.

[Shoxfordian]

I'm glad you've concluded not to see him again
Have you seen the freedom programme? I think you need some help drawing boundaries for future relationships

[Racecardriver]

I think you have made the right decision. The taste for rapey porn star sex, his desire to emotionally punish you when you didn't do what he wanted you to, the refusal to accept that he had done sometime wrong trying to brush it off as your fault and just period nonsense. He's not a good guy, not to a female partner anyway. That at least is abundantly clear.

[Watda]

He is quite a bit older than me. He’s in his mid forties. We both have our own places.

He doesn’t treat me very nicely. He also doesn’t seem to respect women. If you’d asked me a few years ago if I’d be happy with such a man, I’d have run a mile.

I have seen the freedom programme. However, I’m not sure if it’s for me. I’ve been seeing a counsellor for a while which is helping.

I’m also going on holiday with my mum in two weeks so I’m looking forward to that.

[Yankeescot]

Oh god Watda, the response to you showing him the YouTube consent video is scary!!!! He laughed and stuck his hand between your legs???? Holy shit honey, you need to run a mile and protect yourself! This guy is a crazed, controlling lunatic! Like the lunatic I was engaged to some years ago. He really does sound like my ex. Who's also mid 40's. You're not by chance in Edinburgh and the guys initials wouldn't happen to be CR, are they?

Please stick with your decision to not see him tomorrow. And please don't fall for the inevitable whiny or very angry texts he will send trying to destroy your self esteem. He's a dire man. Please look after yourself. xx

[Butterymuffin]

Glad you have your own place then and that you have the holiday to look forward to.
When you say you're scared, are you worried he might try to harm you if you end the relationship?

[Watda]

Yankeescot He is from Edinburgh but living in the north east now. His initials aren’t CR. It appears there are two of them.

I don’t think he will physically hurt me if I end it. I think he will try to mess with my head.

When I said I was scared of him, I meant he can be quite menacing sometimes. There was one occasion where he was on top of me and wouldn’t get off and I got really scared and started to cry because there was literally nothing I could do to protect myself. He managed to explain that one away and since then each time I’ve said ‘stop’ he has stopped pretty quickly.

I do appreciate the support on this thread.