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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What he said in bed

180 replies

Watda · 18/08/2018 08:28

I posted in the sex topic last night but didn’t get any replies and I really need some independent perspectives on my situation.

My boyfriend and I were in bed last night and he had been expecting to have some back door action. I wasn’t up for that and he kept joking I had promised him it and that I couldn’t renege on my promise.

Anyway, we were having normal sex with me on top. I asked him if it was working for him and he replied that it was ‘ok’.

Now I’m not expecting him to see stars but if someone is taking the time to make herself vulnerable to you I think it’s pretty shitty to say that what is happening is ‘ok’. If you want to improve things then we can talk about that outside the bedroom or you can make some of your own suggestions to make it better for you. I just felt so deflated I climbed off.

He doesn’t understand why I’m upset and says it must be because it’s my ‘time of th month’.

Was he being a dick or do I need to get a grip?

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 18/08/2018 09:29

I am most definitely a woman!

Some women have very low expectations.

mydogishot · 18/08/2018 09:30

This is either early in your relationship or you've been together forever.

If it's early, he has decided to push for things he likes. Regardless of how you feel.

If you been together forever then maybe he feels that sex is stagnant.
Maybe he has taken advice, friends or internet, which has suggested things to try.

Again though, regardless of how you feel.

You now have choices.

Either behave this weekend and don't mention this or tell him to fuck off and dump his arse.

Notmany · 18/08/2018 09:36

Some women don't like to jump to conclusions.

Original poster
Watda · 18/08/2018 09:39

Just to clarify, we’ve been together for a while and we have done anal before. He knows it can hurt me. I actually didn’t promise him anything and even if I did, I feel like he should respect if I change my mind.

OP posts:
Notmany · 18/08/2018 09:41

Watda

Just clarify a couple of things then.

  1. Did you make any promises? Not that you have to keep them of course but was he lying about that or not.

2 After the initial jokey exchange did he pressure you again for anal?

  1. Has he been moaning or complaining about you not doing it afterwards?
  1. Is this a common occurence?

That shouls hopeful helo set the record straight about his behaviour.

katielouise3 · 18/08/2018 09:41

@Notmany

Sorry but I'm just not seeing the part where this man is moaning about it and constantly pressuring the OP.

And that is the really sad and tragic thing about your posts.

AnoukSpirit · 18/08/2018 09:42

feel like he should respect if I change my mind.

Yes. He should.

He doesn't.

And now he's sulking and blaming you to punish you for standing your ground.

Hangingaroundtheportal · 18/08/2018 09:42

@Notmany

I have been with my husband for 13 years and married for 6 and I have never had the sort of scenario described in the OP.

Notmany you need to raise your standards honey!

KeiTeNgeNge · 18/08/2018 09:42

What a prize arse

Chippyway · 18/08/2018 09:43

I don’t get all the fuss

Why would you ask him during sex if what you were doing was working? Confused surely you can tell if what you’re doing ‘is working’? I’d be turned off if someone asked me that!

Also “making myself vulnerable” is a tad cringey aswell. You were having sex with your partner.. the whole “oh I’m so vulnerable” thing seems weird. I never feel vulnerable having sex with my boyfriend.

Okay so he clearly wanted anal. Maybe saying it was ‘okay’ wasn’t the best answer he could give BUT it’s pretty weird to even ask him if what you were doing was working for him.. sounds very mechanical

The only embarrassing thing he said was you must be moody as it’s that time of month.

Hangingaroundtheportal · 18/08/2018 09:43

Sorry but I'm just not seeing the part where this man is moaning about it and constantly pressuring the OP.

Yes, that you are 'not seeing' it is very worrying! Are we really that desensitised to men's bad behaviour in our society?

TatianaLarina · 18/08/2018 09:44

OP has no need to set the record straight.

Some women don't like to jump to conclusions.

No need to do so, the words are on the page in black and white.

If you think that’s acceptable then you have very low standard.

RightyHoChaps · 18/08/2018 09:44

I have spoken to him. He asked me when my ‘period craziness’ would be over and told me not to sulk all weekend.

Oh fuck me... I would lose my shit at this.

Girlslikeme · 18/08/2018 09:47

Thing is, how will it be next time you have sex and how will you feel?

Hangingaroundtheportal · 18/08/2018 09:47

@Chippyway

So her partner making her feel like shit about having boundaries about her own body is no problem at all. Her partner not really giving a crap if she doesn't want to do something, as long as she doesnt 'renege on her promise' ? Fine and dandy.

But her trying to ensure that her partner is having a good time? Totally unreasonable!

Honestly, I fucking despair.

Teaandcrisps · 18/08/2018 09:49

@notmany
Stop questioning OP like she's done smtg wrong

OP - sex life often tells you a lot about what's going on in a relationship and I'm sorry that when I read your post I wondered if there is any emotional connection between you both.

If your OH really doesn't care about making you feel incredible during DTD then that's very sad indeed.

He needs to apologise.

Boobilicious · 18/08/2018 09:50

I would be binning off any man that wanted anal, disgusting.

daisyboooo · 18/08/2018 09:50

There really is nothing more vulgar or unattractive to me than men who 'tantrum' and/or pester over their sexual needs/desires.

Having experience of going through this previously along time ago I still remember the way I felt & how it made my skin crawl when my ex-partner did the same.
He doesn't give a fuck about having sex as a loving gesture to bond with you, he just cares about getting his end away the way he wants it in his sexual fantasies .

You will probably feel like the emotional damage has been done & that there isn't really any way back from this because that's how I felt ( although you may feel different/ different people /different relationship etc)

No amount of apologising/talking/ could undo the damage to my previous relationship re this, it was a slippery slope downwards which led to a very unhealthy toxic relationship. Sex should be a loving part of a relationship, he should be really happy with simply DTD as it brings you closer & it's how you express your love.... be warned that it could now be apparent that there isn't any going back from this in my opinion, it's far too vulgar & hurtful to forget about.

Thanks
WilburIsSomePig · 18/08/2018 09:51

If you were really hoping for a particular sex act and your partner had been indicating that it was on the cards but then changed their mind and whilst you were having sex without that act started asking you questions about how great it was for you how would you feel?

Fucking hell. Are you for real? Notmany?

Notmany · 18/08/2018 09:52

Chippyway

Looks we are in the minority here. I'm just not seeing it and think the usual MN projecting is out in force today.

katielouise3 · 18/08/2018 09:57

@Notmany

Chippyway

Looks we are in the minority here. I'm just not seeing it and think the usual MN projecting is out in force today.

Seriously, grow the fuck up. Hmm

meadowmeow · 18/08/2018 09:58

If you were really hoping for a particular sex act and your partner had been indicating that it was on the cards but then changed their mind and whilst you were having sex without that act started asking you questions about how great it was for you how would you feel?

I would think they cared about how I felt Confused

LizzieSiddal · 18/08/2018 09:58

“I question why she asked the question in the first place” Confused

Isn’t it perfectly normal to ask your partner if things are ok/good, whilst having sex? It’s would seem very odd to me if people didn’t ask this question.

Notmany · 18/08/2018 10:00

WilburIsSomePig

Absolutely. Notice I say feel. That does not imply any right to act.

Sex in a LTR isn't always wondeful there a bumps and bad patches where things don't click or expectations are not aligned. Best thing to do is have an honest discussion about them and get it sorted. It just seems everyone on MN assumes the worst.

katielouise3 · 18/08/2018 10:01

Yeah, I agree with a few posters on here, that a few women on here have VERY low expectations and are very happy to be treated like shit by a manipulative man.

The few 'I don't see the problem' posts prove that. I feel quite sorry for them actually.

I have spoken to him. He asked me when my ‘period craziness’ would be over and told me not to sulk all weekend.

What a massive twat. You need to LTB. You deserve better.

@Daisyboooo

He doesn't give a fuck about having sex as a loving gesture to bond with you, he just cares about getting his end away the way he wants it in his sexual fantasies.

Yeah this. ^ Many women on here can see the warning signs, as they have been through this shit before. I cannot BELIEVE that a few posters (supposedly women Wink ) are minimising his behaviour, and making out it's OK.

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