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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What he said in bed

180 replies

Watda · 18/08/2018 08:28

I posted in the sex topic last night but didn’t get any replies and I really need some independent perspectives on my situation.

My boyfriend and I were in bed last night and he had been expecting to have some back door action. I wasn’t up for that and he kept joking I had promised him it and that I couldn’t renege on my promise.

Anyway, we were having normal sex with me on top. I asked him if it was working for him and he replied that it was ‘ok’.

Now I’m not expecting him to see stars but if someone is taking the time to make herself vulnerable to you I think it’s pretty shitty to say that what is happening is ‘ok’. If you want to improve things then we can talk about that outside the bedroom or you can make some of your own suggestions to make it better for you. I just felt so deflated I climbed off.

He doesn’t understand why I’m upset and says it must be because it’s my ‘time of th month’.

Was he being a dick or do I need to get a grip?

OP posts:
Sweetsongbird1 · 18/08/2018 12:51

notmany what a dickhead post

op he is guilting you to have sex up your arse. Nice Hmm

MistressDeeCee · 18/08/2018 12:55

He was being a dick

As an aside, be careful asking questions where there’s a chance you won’t like the answer

^ This, really

NynaeveSedai · 18/08/2018 13:07

It's obvious why she asked him if it was working for him. He was sulking because she refused anal and making his displeasure clear. She felt confused and insecure whilst trying to have mutually satisfying sex with a guy who was not fully engaged so asked him if it was working for him. He said 'it's ok' meaning it's crap because it's not the anal I was promised.
He's a dick.

Chippyway · 18/08/2018 13:32

What are you grilling OP for? Who cares about your thoughts on how she decides to ask .... and your thought on her sex life?! How and why you deem it appropriate to respond what you have done is beyond me!!!!!!

Errrm I’m not sure if you’re aware or not but the OP’s post was about her sex life. So obviously when she’s asking a question about it she’s going to receive answers to do with her sex life. What did you want me to reply about, her slippers?!

The fact that every poster but those 2 is on the OP's side, and is supporting her, proves they are wrong

I’m not wrong I just have a different opinion to you. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not going to support someone if I don’t agree with them - how boring?!

'Why would you ask him during sex if what you were doing was working?'' She wanted to know

But surely if your sex life is any good you can tell whether it’s ‘working’ or not? You shouldn’t have to ask... hardly sexy is it!

So her partner making her feel like shit about having boundaries about her own body is no problem at all. Her partner not really giving a crap if she doesn't want to do something, as long as she doesnt 'renege on her promise' ? Fine and dandy

The OP even said herself he was JOKINGLY teasing her about “breaking her promise”. He wasn’t giving her shit for not doing anal nor was he purposely making her feel shit for it. He was quite clearly joking, even the OP said that. Yet suddenly he’s abusive.

He sounds an idiot for his comments regarding her period and I’m shocked that anyone genuinely thinks that’s normal but other than that I fail to see the problem. I wouldn’t wanna sleep with him for that thought alone.
He was JOKINGLY teasing her about the whole promise thing, not actually giving her grief or trying to make her feel bad for it. If I’m having sex with my boyfriend I’m confident enough in our sex life to know whether he/we are enjoying it or not - I wouldn’t outright ask him “sorry baby, is this any good for you?” because to me it’s just weird that in a long term relationship you have to pause midway and ask your partner if their enjoying themselves. Totally unsexy too.

And no he isn’t abusive and we don’t have shit sex. Mumsnet posters love to label 99% of men as abusive. My partner is incredibly loving thanks and we trust one another - probably another reason why I don’t understand the whole “ohhh I’m so vulnerable during sex” thing.
If you feel vulnerable during sex I’d start looking at reasons why you feel like that - and usually the answers aren’t found in the bedroom.

CheggarsPlaysPlop · 18/08/2018 13:45

I used to put up with anal to avoid sulking and to keep the man happy. Now I hate that I did that as I see what an abusive arse he was. He used to 'joke' about it and then sulk when he didn't get what he wanted. He knew it hurt me but when addressed later he claimed that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Now, at certain times of the month (pre period craziness!) I have uncontrollable farting which is absolutely lovely...especially at work Wink

Munchyseeds · 18/08/2018 13:55

The more you write about him the nicer he sounds.
Maybe look for someone who is happy not to do the things they know you find painful??

katielouise3 · 18/08/2018 14:21

@Munchyseeds

The more you write about him the nicer he sounds?

Is that a typo? Confused

Was it meant to be the shyter he sounds?

katielouise3 · 18/08/2018 14:22

@chippyway

Yeah you ARE wrong actually.

findingmywaytoday · 18/08/2018 14:37

He sounds like a peach Hmm. He is clearly interested in what he wants and doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

Original poster
Watda · 18/08/2018 14:53

Just to clarify, I definitely didn’t promise him anal. He had got it into his head that he fancied it and has been going on about it for a few days.

When he was saying that I had reneged on my promise, he was on top of me holding my wrists down. He said it at least five times until I had to tell him that (sorry about this phrase but I was starting to get scared) he sounded a bit rape-y.

He does like sex his own way. I’ve asked loads of times for more foreplay etc but he has a set way he likes to do things and whilst he might deviate from that for a little bit, he always goes back to his default.

He is now saying that he thought I was asking if he was ok. Hmm I’ve told him that he has very little chance of getting any on top action.

Is it not usual to ask if something is working when you’re not sure?

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 18/08/2018 14:57

Control alt delete OP. He’s awful.

ColaCubez · 18/08/2018 15:08

"When he was saying that I had reneged on my promise, he was on top of me holding my wrists down. He said it at least five times until I had to tell him that (sorry about this phrase but I was starting to get scared) he sounded a bit rape-y."

Jesus he sounds just one step away from becoming actual rape-y. Be careful OP.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/08/2018 15:10

Dump him, OP. Your last post is horrible. Sex is supposed to be happy, relaxing, fulfilling. What you describe is none of these. I wouldn't put up with your DP's attitude for a minute.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 18/08/2018 15:28

He's entitled.

Renege on your promise? Who says that in the bedroom, Donald Trump?

He's going on about it being your period but I'd expect he would know if you were considering he was having sex with you.

He sounds like one of the younger men who are porn fanatics who expect women to love anal and always want to keep a man happy.

I'd say he's showing you who he is.

Also tell him anal will never be on the cards as his dick is already up his own arse.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/08/2018 15:31

What are you getting out of this relationship?

He doesn't care about you; he doesn't make an effort to please you and he holds you down... that is scary. There's no love here. There's not even any respect.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 18/08/2018 15:43

Just read your last few updates (didn't show up for some reason). My ex used to do that and he was indeed a rapist.

Trust me he is not a nice man.

Please try to remove yourself from him.

HustleRussell · 18/08/2018 15:44

He is watching a bit too much porn I think. Sounds like he wants a girl to behave like they do in his films.

HeebieJeebies456 · 18/08/2018 16:15

When he was saying that I had reneged on my promise, he was on top of me holding my wrists down. He said it at least five times until I had to tell him that (sorry about this phrase but I was starting to get scared) he sounded a bit rape-y

Why are you being passive about this?
This is a glaring neon red flag and you'd be a fool to ignore it.
I've been in a similar situation in the past and i dumped him the next day after he left.
No way was i going to risk being raped or coerced into sex.

He's already got inside your head and is manipulating and gaslighting you...and you're allowing it.
You're settling for crumbs and enabling him to disrespect your needs, wants and feelings and act as though they (and consequently you) are worthless.

He does like sex his own way. I’ve asked loads of times for more foreplay etc but he has a set way he likes to do things and whilst he might deviate from that for a little bit, he always goes back to his default
So why do you keep putting out for him if he keeps ignoring what you've said?

Now he says he doesn’t really like it and he only does it because I like it
More manipulation in the form of guilt tripping.
He's trying to plant the thought in your head that you should do anal even if you don't like it/want to to be fair on him.

This side of him cancels out all his good qualities - if he genuinely has any.

findingmywaytoday · 18/08/2018 16:17

Even IF you had "promised" anal you were perfectly entitled to change your mind. Like previous posters have said it doesn't sound like he actually respects you.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/08/2018 16:23

I won't do anal. I've tried it and it usually hurts. It can easily cause long term problems. If anyone put pressure on me to do any sex act I wasn't wholeheartedly enthusiastic about I'd bin them the following morning.

As for holding you down? This is a vile way to behave. This man doesn't show you any respect or tenderness. Please don't tolerate this. You deserve so much better. We all do.

ferrier · 18/08/2018 16:26

You have a pretty fundamental incompatibility so I'd leave him tbh.

Helmetbymidnight · 18/08/2018 16:42

a pretty fundamental incompatibility?

I can’t imagine anyone would be queuing up to be with this twat...

Original poster
Watda · 18/08/2018 16:56

That’s the thing though - everyone else thinks he is lovely (apart from my mother, but that’s another story).

I just want to have sex where I feel loved occasionally. I’m fed up of the porn star sex.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 18/08/2018 16:58

He may well be lovely though outside of sex though OP and that is a pretty big area in a relationship

mrstwit16 · 18/08/2018 17:07

My ex tried to pressure me into anal too. He also wanted sex his way, or not at all. Everyone else thought he was lovely. Apart from my mum.

He wasn’t lovely, he was a twat. I left him in the end, and never looked back.

It sounds like you are beginning to question his behaviour and your relationship. How does he treat you out of bed?