What he said in bed

[Watda]

I posted in the sex topic last night but didn’t get any replies and I really need some independent perspectives on my situation.

My boyfriend and I were in bed last night and he had been expecting to have some back door action. I wasn’t up for that and he kept joking I had promised him it and that I couldn’t renege on my promise.

Anyway, we were having normal sex with me on top. I asked him if it was working for him and he replied that it was ‘ok’.

Now I’m not expecting him to see stars but if someone is taking the time to make herself vulnerable to you I think it’s pretty shitty to say that what is happening is ‘ok’. If you want to improve things then we can talk about that outside the bedroom or you can make some of your own suggestions to make it better for you. I just felt so deflated I climbed off.

He doesn’t understand why I’m upset and says it must be because it’s my ‘time of th month’.

Was he being a dick or do I need to get a grip?

[daisyboooo]

@Chippyway What are you grilling OP for? Who cares about your thoughts on how she decides to ask .... and your thought on her sex life?! How and why you deem it appropriate to respond what you have done is beyond me!!!!!!

[Notmany]

Meadowmeow

Indeed works both ways though.

[Babdoc]

Notmany, I really hope there are “not many” of you.
If you really are a woman, you are a handmaid of patriarchy.
OP needs support and validation to maintain her boundaries and self esteem, not someone blaming her for her partner’s unacceptable, immature, unloving, selfish behaviour.
OP if this is indicative of your partner’s attitude to you and the relationship, then the only way is out.
LTB, and find a man who sees sex as a loving way to connect with you, who cares about your pleasure as much as his own, who will not sulk and bully you. These are minimum requirements for a sexual relationship, not luxuries!

[katielouise3]

@daisyboooo I would not engage with either of those posters. ('chippy' and 'notmany.') The fact that every poster but those 2 is on the OP's side, and is supporting her, proves they are wrong. Just ignore. I am now.

[katielouise3]

@Babdoc

Notmany, I really hope there are “not many” of you.
If you really are a woman, you are a handmaid of patriarchy.


This. ^

[daisyboooo]

@katielouise3 .... valid point 👍🏻

[katielouise3]

@daisyboooo

[FermatsTheorem]

OP he's a twat. Sex is meant to be mutually enjoyable, and for it to be any good, has to be entered into in a spirit of both partners wanting to turn the other one on and give them pleasure, as well as both partners expecting to get pleasure from their partner. (Note - both of these: wanting pleasure for yourself and wanting to give pleasure to your partner - not one or the other. If it's not this sort of two-way process for both of you, it's going to be crap sex.)

(And ignore the people on here who regularly either have crap sex with their partner because they're so insecure they feel they have to "shut their eyes and think of England" or expect their partner to put up with crap sex while they effectively wank into their partner's orifices. Either they have incredibly low standards themselves because they're insecure, which is very sad for them, but not your problem, or they expect their partners to have low standards because they're abusive bastards themselves, in which case they're the last people you should be taking relationship advice from.)

[Helmetbymidnight]

If you were really hoping for a particular sex act and your partner had been indicating that it was on the cards but then changed their mind and whilst you were having sex without that act started asking you questions about how great it was for you how would you feel

Poor younger women. in my day, we were just delighted to have sex.

[TheSassyAssassin]

I have spoken to him. He asked me when my ‘period craziness’ would be over and told me not to sulk all weekend

OMG he would be seeing stars after this alright, as he landed on his arse in the front garden with his stuff chucked out after him! Seriously? Nope. Life is too short for emotionally stunted tossers!

[MismatchedStripySocks]

This isn’t going to last long term OP (sorry) Dump him and find someone who respects you.

[RandomMess]

Just ditch him!

Not worth it...

[Yoksha]

period craziness....I'd be propelling him to the front door with bag in hand. "Toodle pip, I'll call you when this craziness ends. Don't hold your breath though"!

[Notmany]

I'm blaming no-one and I think that is your problem.

'Handmaid of the patriarchy' - hats off for giving me a laugh. But an ad hom is what it is, a substitute for a proper argument.

I see this as in issue that could be resolved and avoided in future with a proper adult discussion rather than leaping to conclusions and just assuming that the man is behaving and thinking in a certain way.

I'm actually trying to encourage the OP to be her own person and actually see of this is a hiccup or a genuine issue rather than acquiescing to the braying mob. Encouraging her to see this as a major issue based on scant facts isn't really helping imho just pushing an agenda.

[ColaCubez]

they feel they have to "shut their eyes and think of England"

^ This is how my DGM spent her entire marriage before her cruel H finally died. Putting up with decades of sexual abuse at his hands because she was taught that keeping your man satisfied was paramount. That if he left her it was her fault.

She was glad when he died. Actually glad. And she developed a deep hatred and distrust for men. He destroyed her. And it all began with the strops and sulking and "that time of the month" digs.

(she poured all this out to me a few years after he died when I asked why she didn't ever visit his grave)

We've progressed so far beyond that now OP.

[meadowmeow]

measowmeow

Indeed works both ways though.

Of course it does. I was answering the question what would you think of your partner asked how it was for you. when my DH asks this it makes me think he cares about how i feel. When I ask him I'm sure he thinks he same.

I wasn't suggesting for a minute that asking your partner how it is for them whilst dtd was a one way street

[Italiangreyhound]

Watda you've suggested anal or he suggested it and you agreed. Then it's a promise. Was it really a promise?

Even of it was a promise in writing, signed by witnesses, you have every right to change your mind.

Your having sex, in s position you don't much like, because you think he likes it, and he doesn't rate it much. Because really he'd rather be sticking hid penis in your bum.

He's moaning about your period, realm of imagined, at the time and now.

I think he sounds like a prize shit. Do you think you can do better?

Notmany your entitled to your opinion, of course, but if you cannot her that this man is pressuring his partner for unwanted anal sex then I think you've misread the opening post.

[Italiangreyhound]

I posted before I saw this... 'He knows it can hurt me. I actually didn’t promise him anything and even if I did, I feel like he should respect if I change my mind.'

I didn't think it was actually a promise.

[Radardetector]

He knows it can hurt me.

This is so sad and a real red flag.

My dh would never want to engage in anything that he knew hurt me. Causing me (unwanted) pain would not be enjoyable for him.

Op, you and all women and girls deserve better than men that see them as sex dolls, that don't care if they're causing them pain as long as they are getting their fantasy forfilled. It's not normal and it's not right and don't let a man make you feel it is.

[Italiangreyhound]

Chippyway

'I don’t get all the fuss' That's ok many of us do get it.

'Why would you ask him during sex if what you were doing was working?'' She wanted to know.

'surely you can tell if what you’re doing ‘is working’?' I'm guessing he was making it clear it was not working working because he had not got his own way.

I’d be turned off if someone asked me that!

'I never feel vulnerable having sex with my boyfriend.' That's good for you. Seems clear others do, sometimes.

[Italiangreyhound]

ColaCubez

[Italiangreyhound]

Sorry _ re "I’d be turned off if someone asked me that! '

But sex is two way, so someone asking is wanting to check all is well.

I can see someone might be turned off but others mohhy be pleased their partner wanted to please thrm.

This partner of the OP seems to only care about himself.

[timeisnotaline]

What about the part where he is sulking , blaming her period , and telling her that he doesn’t like the position she did try to please him instead , when he has said multiple times before that it was one of his favourites? Far more likely that’s true that he likes it than that he’s been lying all this time, but he wants to make her feel bad at the moment so says he doesn’t like it. The op should feel angry and tell him he’s never getting sex with her on top again. (And possibly never having sex with him again if he can’t move past saying no to anal)

[katielouise3]

@Colacubez what a very sad story about your grandmother.

Probably a lot more common that people think though, as some women have this weird mindset, that they must make their man happy at all costs, even if it involves doing something they hate.

[katielouise3]

@timeisnotaline


What about the part where he is sulking , blaming her period , and telling her that he doesn’t like the position she did try to please him instead , when he has said multiple times before that it was one of his favourites? Far more likely that’s true that he likes it than that he’s been lying all this time, but he wants to make her feel bad at the moment so says he doesn’t like it. The op should feel angry and tell him he’s never getting sex with her on top again. (And possibly never having sex with him again if he can’t move past saying no to anal.)

Great post!

Can't believe the tiny minority of people here who are saying they 'don't see a problem' with the OP's partner's behaviour. It's very worrying, and very depressing!

@Fermatstheorem

Ignore the people on here who regularly either have crap sex with their partner because they're so insecure they feel they have to "shut their eyes and think of England" or expect their partner to put up with crap sex while they effectively wank into their partner's orifices.

Either they have incredibly low standards themselves because they're insecure, which is very sad for them, but not your problem, or they expect their partners to have low standards because they're abusive bastards themselves, in which case they're the last people you should be taking relationship advice from.

Great post! Well said.