What he said in bed

[Watda]

I posted in the sex topic last night but didn’t get any replies and I really need some independent perspectives on my situation.

My boyfriend and I were in bed last night and he had been expecting to have some back door action. I wasn’t up for that and he kept joking I had promised him it and that I couldn’t renege on my promise.

Anyway, we were having normal sex with me on top. I asked him if it was working for him and he replied that it was ‘ok’.

Now I’m not expecting him to see stars but if someone is taking the time to make herself vulnerable to you I think it’s pretty shitty to say that what is happening is ‘ok’. If you want to improve things then we can talk about that outside the bedroom or you can make some of your own suggestions to make it better for you. I just felt so deflated I climbed off.

He doesn’t understand why I’m upset and says it must be because it’s my ‘time of th month’.

Was he being a dick or do I need to get a grip?

I can't even begin to tell you how little it matters that everyone else thinks he is wonderful.

This guy is shit in bed. Not in a "I don't know what I'm doing way" - those are fine, they usually want to learn. But in a "I couldn't give a single fuck what YOU want, lady. I'm here to get my rocks off, no matter how you feel about it" way.

Just stop. Get out of this relationship. It's not meant to feel this way.

When are you seeing him next op? How do you feel at the prospect of going to bed with him again?

urghhh what an utter dick head. Bin him before he trashes your self-esteem

If enough people post on here will you please get rid of him? He sounds like a total dickhead who'll manipulate you in to doing what be wants until you dont know what you want any more. Get rid.

Porn sex (and the entitlement, objectification, degradation) is too high a price for a relationship. LTB.

Oh dear OP! Seriously, listen to people when they say that behaviour sounds dangerous. You should NEVER feel that way.

Sex is a two way thing. Someone above said it really really well. You are not a hole for him to masturbate into.

It took me 10 years to finally get the courage to say to my exp that I wasn't happy with sex and it hadn't been working for me. I was so constantly fixed on making him happy that I was oblivious to the fact that he was a complete knobhead. In both the bedroom and out. He hadn't worked out from 6 years of having very little sex that I wasn't happy or turned on by him. By the end, nothing he could do would turn me on. He pestered, put pressure on, made 'jokes' etc. It was awful. I left him after I finally cleared my head and saw how unhappy I was.

Bloke here. Until the OP's last couple of posts I was open minded because it wasn't clear what "joking" really meant in practice, but in light of those posts I agree he sounds dreadful, potentially dangerous, and should be binned immediately.

However I don't think he is under any obligation to say sex is fabulous if it's really just OK, regardless of the position or whether he requested it. The OP isn't either.

And you will op if you leave him.

Your Mum can sense his intentions I bet.

He needs to be gone. I fear it would escalate as he would want more and more extreme sex.

Choking for example or slapping.

Please trust your gut. You can find someone who is not a selfish lover.

Ugh, I have an ex Fiance like this. We'd been together about 6-9 months and he was really pushing for anal, which is a no go for me. He would push and then sulk and I started to tell him "fine, but you first". The fucker actually would respond "that's not normal for guys" And he was serious about it. Seriously thought it was normal and natural for women but not men. We had a GREAT sex life, and lots of it. But I was never going to back down on anal. I've had far too many intestinal surgeries due to past significant health issues. FFS, I should have gotten rid much sooner as the controlling behaviours became sooo bad! He even gave me the nickname "bummy"

I feel for you OP, I've been there. That sulking is bullshit and an attempt for you to feel sorry for poor little wounded soul who didn't get anal. And to keep going on about how it must be your period???? Seriously. You deserve better than that rubbish.

@dogfish1 I appreciate your input and I would definitely have been open to improving things. He could have just said, let’s change positions. However, it just felt like it was designed to completely take the wind out of my sails.

I don’t normal join the MN LTB brigade but for for sake LTB.

He is not ‘lovely’ and if you were to talk to people IRL they would say the same.

Get yourself on YouTube and watch consent is like a cup of tea. Better yet make him watch it. There were also some good adverts on tv that showed behaviour like this is abusive and you deserve better OP.

This little shit has obviously watch too much porn, been spoilt by his parents and not taught how to behave.

Yes I agree Watda that it sounds like he said it in a crass and tactless way. Only you know the full context but he sounds like a pretty nasty dude, to be honest.

So first of all you said he was jokingly teasing you about not doing anal anymore yet a few pages in you say he pinned you down and held your wrists down? Well what one is it, OP? Because if he did do that it doesn’t sound very jokey to me?

He was either joking or he wasn’t?

Just get rid of him. He sounds like an arse anyway but you both obviously have very different attitudes towards sex

You have every right to change your mind about sex. I’m not saying otherwise. If he kicks up a fuss about that then yeah he’s a knob. But you can’t one minute claim he was only joking around with you but the next say he pinned you down and clamped your hands down?

Well what one is it, OP?

It’s both and if you’d read the OP more carefully you would have noticed the shitty attitude from the start.

Why you’d take ‘joking’ at face value wrt pestering for anal I’ve no idea.

What issues does your mother have with him OP?

I'm just curious. Regardless you should dump the twat. It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, they're not in the bedroom with you two.

Sounds like he was being a dick

@chippyway - I’m not sure what you mean. He was on top of me holding my wrists. However, he must have been joking because the alternative is that he meant it, which is too awful to contemplate.

I have spoken to him. He asked me when my ‘period craziness’ would be over

Tell him "When I'm in my early fifties."

I think the alternative...may be the reality sorry. I'd get rid - he sounds an absolute tool!

He sounds horrible.

Oh OP I think you are holding on to him joking even though deep down you know he wasn’t

I’m sure Normany will be back soon to tell you aww, but he was really looking forward to it and you can’t let a man down.

He doesn’t understand why I’m upset and says it must be because it’s my ‘time of th month’.

For this alone, you should dump. I know it's generally considered hilarious but it's a very common, and particularly misogynistic, way to disregard and dismiss women's very legitimate and real concerns and upsets. And for it to be used as a way of pressuring you into something sexual, is absolutely revolting.

everyone else thinks he is lovely

It’s a small point compared to the rest of it, but you may find, when you break up with this guy, that everyone was saying they thought he was lovely to support you. I was in a relationship very like what you’re describing, and as soon as we broke up, my friends admitted to me that they’d hated him all along, and were spending time with us as a couple only because they loved me. I felt a bit betrayed by this, actually. Part of the reason i’d stupidly stayed for so long was because “everyone else thought he was [so much fun/lovely/whatever]”. (Apart from my mum. She was always very clear that she hated him!) Just something to bear in mind...

He's a dick

And he definitely said it was "ok" to make you feel like you should offer anal