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Original poster

AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

531 replies

soelle · 17/08/2018 12:44

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

OP posts:
Frosty6611 · 17/08/2018 12:49

My dad used to always do things like this when I was younger. He had a very demanding high powered job which meant he basically had zero time for family life. I remember a few holidays where he’d arrive a day late and then disappear off again to work a day or so later. If he did ever stick around then he’d be exhausted and falling asleep all the time.
It’s a difficult situation to be in as it doesn’t like it’s your partner’s fault, but it’s also impossible not to feel intensely disappointed either that family time has to be impacted so much

NoSquirrels · 17/08/2018 12:49

Only you can judge, I guess.

It would need to be really exceptional circumstances for my DH to cut short a holiday and NEED to be in work. So it would be coming with lots of discussions of extra time off in lieu, and I would know all about how critical this deal was to the business. It would also be coming with lots of discussions about how the business clearly needed extra manpower or people trained up to deal with these stresses.

If any/all of that is not happening, I would be mightily mightily pissed off.

ShatnersWig · 17/08/2018 12:51

No, YANBU. I'd actually be reconsidering my marriage if my OH did this (if I was married). I could just about accept this if my OH was self employed and establishing his own business and this could make or break the company. But if he works for another organisation, absolutely not.

parietal · 17/08/2018 12:54

like Frosty, my dad did that every year when I was a child. my mum learnt to book holidays that didn't need him, often joint with other families or other relatives. not sure it was much of a holiday for her.

Starlighter · 17/08/2018 12:54

I would struggle with living a family life like this. And my dc would be devastated if this happened.

I know it can’t be helped in some professions, but I wouldn’t be able to live like this. Deal breaker for me personally.

He won’t get this time back with his kids. It’s a shame. Could he maybe look for a job that’s less demanding? Quality time wins over money for me every time.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 17/08/2018 12:54

For me it would partly depend on what he was earning. If mega bucks which is setting you up for life of luxury and early retirement, maybe it is understandable. If just a bog standard job, hard to see point.

Notmany · 17/08/2018 12:56

There are very few jobs that require this level of commitment. I know of CEO's of major companies who make time for family holidays. So unless dh is responding to genuine major crises then he is actively making a decision not to prioritise the family by returning to work during holiday. Not to mention it being deeply unhealthy.

You need to have a proper discussion with him abiut work life balance.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 17/08/2018 12:57

Does he FaceTime you from his sisters? Do you have him on Findmyfriends? Is he protective about his phone? Does he ever invite you to come and stay nearer to his work so that he can see more of you and the children or suggest the children stay with relatives or friends for the night so that you can go and stay with him?

Musti · 17/08/2018 12:58

It depends on how desperately you need the money and what real difference it would make to you. Is he paid on commission?

OrchidInTheSun · 17/08/2018 12:59

He's doing deals? So he's a corporate financier/lawyer. That's why he gets paid big bucks. Or if he isn't at the moment, he's on the path to partner/ director.

That's the job.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 17/08/2018 13:01

I think that sounds really disappointing for everyone - I assume he also feels upset that he had to work through much of the holiday and then leave it early? I think YANBU to be gutted, as long as you're not framing it as "he's ruined the holiday" or similar - it's a shit thing to happen to all of you, it's not something DP did to the rest of you just for the hell of it iyswim.

All of that's assuming that the nature of DP's job is something you'd jointly discussed and agreed on. I wouldn't have a job like this, at least while my children are young, but I do have colleagues who do, and I get that there are plenty of pros as well as the obvious cons.

Sorry about your holiday OP. Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 17/08/2018 13:03

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair
I hope you are right?!

bertielab · 17/08/2018 13:04

This is not reasonable.

Either by his work -why are they contacting him?

On you -big let down, I would be mega pissed off that quality family time was so easily dumped.

On the children -so they look forward to seeing him for the week (doesn't seem like they see him a lot) and he dumps them for work.

On his sister -does she mind him arriving.

He's so busy he can't come home? Sounds like a weird situation or affair to me. It doesn't add up.

Ellisandra · 17/08/2018 13:05

If this is your first family holiday in 2 years, is he getting the financial reward for this level of interruption?

I worked for 1/2 a day on my honeymoon. I get paid well, but not exceptionally. It wasn’t make or break - but my director called me because I had the information that no-one else had, and there was a lot of pressure. They could have coped without me. I was pissed off. But - I choose to work there, I like my job, it generally works well for me - this was just bad timing. My husband wasn’t happy (I wasn’t happy!) but he understood.

Sometimes, shit happens.

Only you know whether he was looking for an excuse to work instead, from the start.

Why has it taken 2 years to go on holiday?

What’s he like usually at weekends?

My friend barely saw her husband for 3 years of crazy hours in an investment bank. Now he’s proved himself, been promoted (this is 10 years on) and is very senior and in a culture of protecting time off. And expecting the new crop of juniors to work through the night on deals. They have a great family life, and a lot of money.

Only you have the detail to know if this is reasonable or not.

ShirleyPhallus · 17/08/2018 13:05

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair

I really hope so too. But what sort of job needs that much commitment?

bertielab · 17/08/2018 13:05

Holidays are paid ?-so you are neither losing or gaining money here. Except of course losing the holiday you paid for. So you will be worse off?

category12 · 17/08/2018 13:06

I'd stick it out for the full holiday, you shouldn't go back early. Don't see why he should spoil it for all of you.

bertielab · 17/08/2018 13:07

90 mins is my commute -it is not too far to come home -how dare he!

ThatFridayFeeling · 17/08/2018 13:10

I guess you have to decide what you want from your DH/for your family. I assume he's making big bucks, is that more important than your family time together? If not, then taking a less demanding job (for lower pay) might be something you could discuss together.

I think it's important in this situation to frame it correctly for your DC. Not be blaming DH for ruining the holiday or repeating pointing out he's not there. You don't explain why you returned early, I really hope it wasn't because DH had left as this would be unfair to you and your DC as you can still have a nice holiday and enjoy yourself without DH. OR was it to make DH feel guilty about leaving?

Ellisandra · 17/08/2018 13:10

Loads of jobs interrupt holidays.
My friend in legal sector - all the time.
My friend in investment banking - all the time.
Me in CorporateBusinessWorld - quite a lot

At my place we call them “laptop holidays” - the ones where you’re taking the means to work with you. You can definitely argue that’s not right - but please, don’t tell the OP her husband is having an affair just because this level of demand on personal time isn’t part of your working sphere.

OP mentioned working on deal. For my legal and finance friends, life definitely went on hold when deals were being finalised!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/08/2018 13:15

My father was ALWAYS at work.

He ended up having no relationship at all with his family. When he died, I'm embarrassed to say that the only ones who missed him were the dogs.

Uncreative · 17/08/2018 13:20

OP - I can understand your frustration. I can also understand high pressure jobs if your husband really is needed at work.

If this is a serious and ongoing issue for you, sit him down and ask him how he will manage his time when he has 50% custody of the kids after your divorce. Suggest more effort now will save even more effort later.

offside · 17/08/2018 13:20

Unfortunately this is common is sales, particularly in the tech industry. My DH works in presales and of all his colleagues who own the deals, all of them at some point have cut short family holidays, at the end of the day, them being there could be the difference of a six figure bonus or not towards an early retirement.

Although I get it and understand why, I wouldn’t like my DH doing that

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 17/08/2018 13:21

I’d be spending some money on a Private Investigator myself.

KateGrey · 17/08/2018 13:22

I think it hugely depends on the job. Personally if he’s working until late at night I wouldn’t want to drive the 90 minutes home. My dh has taken a lesser job because he wasn’t having enough time at home (two Sen kids). Is he very driven or is he doing it for the family?