AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

[soelle]

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

He is immensely driven, from quite a deprived background and is obsessed with the girls not doing without.

My dad was/is like this, and we did go without - we went without him!!! We still have a very strained relationship, he never knew me or my siblings particularly well because he didn't have time (but was able to send tailored gifts for his favourite client's kid's birthdays). For this reason I could never be with someone who puts their job above their family. No matter what they say I'm convinced it's more about ego than any other benefit. Money won't buy memories or a family.

I'm married to a workaholic, it's difficult but it also has its rewards, even he would be hard pushed to abandon a family holiday though.

is obsessed with the girls not doing without

That's understandable, but does he understand that his girls are effectively doing without a father?

I've stayed friends with my ex, who I still love. He's happy to do things together, but I'm the one who usually does the asking. He rarely instigates it. But when I do he's usually very happy to meet up. I ended the relationship, which I regret, for many complicated reasons. Is it a male pride thing?

He’s a corporate lawyer, that is what happens. I’m surprised it’s a surprise to you!

This is completely normal in the world of corporate law. I used to work in that field and my husband still does and it makes it much easier to deal with and understand when you have been in that position yourself - I can understand why you say you don’t “get it”. I know of lots of people in law who regularly work during their holidays and it’s very common at a senior level. However, cancelling and returning from a holiday isn’t so common but I can see how it would happen. Seems like he is trying to make a good impression especially if his boss is away too. If it were my husband I’d expect him to make it known that he won’t be interrupted on your next holiday and to book something else to make up for it. Most law firms, even US or magic circle, will not expect people to cancel holidays as standard so should be reasonable in the circumstances. I’m assuming he works for a firm where the money is worth it!

Very suspicious and weird.

I have always been in a very senior position in my career, and have never ever cut short any pre-planned family holiday.

Would not happen.

Not in any career, I don't think.....

To be honest his obsession with your daughters not missing out is misplaced. They may not want for any material goods, but they’re definitely missing out on a fulfilling relationship with their father.

Sympathies OP, my dad was also a largely absent parent due to work for much of my childhood. However, family holidays were sacred, I have such great memories of those.

IMO, someone would only cut short their family holiday - for work - BY CHOICE.....

Btw a couple of family members work in corporate law, they’re v successful. They’ve never had to cut short holidays due to work to my knowledge. I can only assume that your DH is either a) very junior or b) not telling you everything.

Hmc:

"This doesn't make him a bad / inconsiderate husband and father"

I disagree. It does. He is a very bad husband and a worse father.

See the other pp who said her father was just like this, and he never got to know them, they have no relationship.

How can anyone honestly think their children aren't damaged by this and won't grow up resentful and a non-existent-father-relationship?

How on earth did it happen that he and his boss were both on holiday at the same time? Surely holidays would have to be agreed?

The only thing that made me think "affair" was the fact that he said he was going home but then he didn't go home.

I have a number of friends in corporate law and yes this seems to be normal; I don't think they had completely workfree holidays in years. One is now a teacher having had enough! Her husband is a partner in a law firm and still works like crazy.

On the flip side they were earning a awful lot, so it seems a bit off that you are on your first holiday in 2 years. Where is all the cash going?

My DH is like this, so we have ground rules. He has one hour a day on holiday to do emails/phone calls, and that's in the evening when I'm sitting with a book.

Two years ago he had to work through a holiday and got five days of his leave back from it, but that was exceptional.

However, corporate law is a particular kind of beast and I'd say this isn't unusual behaviour in that particular job.

That's understandable, but does he understand that his girls are effectively doing without a father?. I was just about to post the same. He needs to realise that his DDs have emotional needs as well as materialistic.

Having said that though, I’m assuming he was in corporate law before you had the DC? My DH used to work very long hours and be grumpy and miserable when he was home. He works for himself now an£ is so much happier and has a much better relationship with all of us.

Money isn’t everything.

In his world, mad hours are why he's paid mad money. In your world, you either suck it up and luxuriate in the benefits, which are handsome, or marry a mechanic.

You can't have it both ways.

Incidentally, a hell of a lot of jobs, especially nowadays, boast equally crap hours and unpredictability and aren't anything like as well paid.

It’s entirely possible that he’s working hard and playing away. He won’t be at his sister’s every waking hour.

But is he earning mad money? The OP says they need the money. They are holidaying in the UK - nothing wrong with that, but usually if there's a lot of money, you'd go abroad.

If you're a really important person at your company, then you can take time off and nobody can tell you not to.

If you're not that important and your company is making you come back from holiday just to work, then you should find a new job.

Very VERY few people have to work this much. Deep down they just choose work over family life. I would never do that.

"Not in any career I don't think" wrong.

Corporate law is absolutely this, but as others have said the money goes with it.

Other jobs have the same pull, for whatever reason.

I've done it, not proud of myself but I have. I am a family court lawyer and a few years ago took over all the work for the area for women's aid and the domestic abuse referral service. I went home to do a court hearing I was not prepared to leave with anyone else. No children but left DH and friends for full day. He was annoyed.

For me I think it's a few things. I am a control freak, I do take a great amount of pride and passion in my work and I do actually care. If someone has opened up to me and trusted in me I am not going to dump them on a stranger to talk about their most intimate traumas just because I'm on holiday.

Now I would absolutely try and avoid a hearing being fixed when I am away, and I accept I cannot do everything, but occasionally for me I have to be there.

I also work every day on holiday. Usually seven till eight and then half four till my secretary leaves at five. Again, my own doing but I find it easier to process a day's events that day as oppose to going back to a weeks worth of things to catch up on. So she briefs me that evening and I dictate and email her the next morning. DH accepts this with a frown.

It's sad and I know I have to try and change but for now, it's the best way for me to cope with the stress. I would not enjoy a holiday for worrying about what I was going back to otherwise.

but usually if there's a lot of money, you'd go abroad.

Very much depends tbh.

This is one of the reasons I gave up my job as a partner in a law firm. I missed most of my brothers wedding as I was so exhausted from working I just wanted to sleep. I decided that if we were going to have a family (I’m now 8 months pregnant) I didn’t want to miss out on seeing my kids grow up but partnership called for 100% dedication.

Decided the money wasn’t worth it and now do 4 days a week in a 9-5 role. On interview I specified I didn’t want a Work mobile or to have to check emails/Work evenings, weekends or holidays. Much much happier.

Is your OH unhappy or does this drive him? If he’s unhappy can he take a step back?