AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

[soelle]

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

I have no experience of this (thank god - really don't envy you this, OP) but in your shoes I might chose to be the person who tells the children.

Because you are now the trusted bedrock and they need to be able to react accordong to how they feel with the parent who IS trustworthy and has not betrayed them.

If ExH tells them they might feel they have to hide their feelings because they will want,instinctively, to make sure that he doesn't abandon them favour of the new 'rival' (in their eyes) sibling.

What I mean is children often 'play nice' wit the parent they feel least secure with, because of the risks.

I would be factual "sometimes when married people split up they go and live with someone else...and then have another baby with that person. Daddy is still your Daddy and loves you very much and you know he lives somewhere else now, and he has had a baby with another Mummy."

Answer their questions and then say 'shall we watch XXX on DVD?"

This tells them that YOU , their reliable, present, resident parent know what is going on, which will make them feel safer.

God, these fucking men. The situations they cause for their children

I agree with you telling the OP including that you also only just found out

The OPs children are 7 and 4 . A 7 year old will soon work out the baby was born last summer, as they are just about to turn one. They can do the maths.

By 7, most children know that you are not supposed to have a girl friend and a wife.

Well yes. That's why it's a good idea to say the OP has only just found out so that the children do not think that she has been keeping things from them.

I completely agree with reasonedcamper no way would I hand over control of such an important conversation to such a dickhead. These are the things that children remember.

I also think that shnitzelvonkrum may well be onto something when she asks if the children have met the OW and baby without understanding who they are.

I would absolutely want to be present for any and all conversations so I could pick up the threads that may come out over the next months and years

The only reply I’d give the ow is to suggest / hopes she's had a gum clinic check because all the time she was seeing my husband we were naturally having unprotected sex and while you were faithful to your marriage vows who knows what your feckless husband was up to

Mine was seeing prostitutes

I'd let the lying cheating b*stard tell them himself. I hope he realizes that when they are older, they will do the maths themselves and realize what kind of man he is.
You are the lucky one op. He'll have his big important job but nothing that actually matters.

This narcissist should not be allowed to determine when and how your children are told. He has been manipulating and playing with everyone’s lives, moving you around on his personal chess board to serve his twisted ego.

I think you should tell them without him present, as you will instinctively know how to be supportive and empathetic. I wouldn’t trust him to tell the children in an appropriate manner. He is capable of doing much damage to them.

I think reasonedcamper is very wise in this. God only knows what the wanker will tell your kids. And if they ‘play nice’ because they know they cant trust him, he will think its all fine and dandy and that he is off the hook with the emotional fall-out.

He is just the lowest of the low and his ow has the morals of an alley-cat.

I suspect that the children won’t be particularly troubled or even interested when they are told. If they like babies they might want to see him/ her or ask the name but that’s it.

For children that age , a sibling is a child who lives in the same house as you, they don’t much care about biology. To them , the announcement will sound like

“ strange woman you have never met has got a new baby “.

It’s a bit meh so what ? I wonder if cheating ex will actually be a bit disappointed at their reaction. Which would be tragic of course because the most important thing is here is his feelings .

The issues will be in the medium and long term, when they work out the maths and the implications. It will be in a few weeks, when the Op is driving the 7yo somewhere and they will suddenly ask about when the baby was born and all the implications .

Or it might trigger more questions when then Op tells the children that she’s just found out. If having a baby brother or sister is so great, how come they didn’t know a year ago? Other kids with new baby siblings get to go the hospital and see it straight away, they tell everyone at school.

How’s that going to work on the first day back at school.

“ Guess what Miss Smith , I have a new baby sister. Well actually she’s a year old, my dad forgot to tell us” .

Op, you know it's dead and over with him and there is no going back.

What you need to do now is protect yourself and DC from him because he and his wandering dick are his priority. He's going to end up with 5 kids.

I'd have as little contact with him as possible. Build stronger relationships with your friends and own family for support. Let him crack on with his access and that's it. However definitely be there when he tells them because he will twist it round to make him look blameless.

Have a long think about what you want out of him. He's a twat and his only purpose to you now is as an ATM machine. Limit other contact to the bare minimum. Have nothing to do with anything that is not your DC. It's not your problem. Start and rebuild your own life.

Speak to your solicitor. If there is anyway you can get more out of him now upfront then do so before he goes onto family no.3.

Seriously though. No sensible woman is going to want to settle down with a man who has left 2 women with his kids and is a serial adulterer. He's now got serious form for being a twat. I wouldn't touch a man like that with a barge pole.

Ok, sorry for the delay. Things have been a little hectic here.

After lots of the advice from here, I spoke to my solicitor informally over the phone and I’ve decided to keep the divorce terms as they are as it’s means it’ll be over sooner rather than later as bad as that sounds. I’ll be glad to get rid of him legally.

With regards to the consent order for finances, I wasn’t aware about maintenance being able to be lowered to CMS levels after a year (ex-h is a high earner so after doing the CMS calculations we’d get less money.) I’ve instructed my solicitor to take this back to ex-h’s solicitor in order to get something better and more permanent. I’d like to think my ex-h wouldn’t reduce maintenance but then I trusted

Posted too soon!

• I trusted he wouldn’t cheat and he did so I think it’s only fair that I get something in place legally.

As for telling the children, I agreed to be in the room so that I could a) comfort my kids, b) make sure I knew what he was saying and c) ensure they knew it was news to me as well.

But he never turned up for contact. His excuse was related to his child with the OW but I can’t but help think that this was an excuse. Me and the kids went for ice cream instead.

He’s proven himself to be a distant father in the past and I’m guessing that’s what is going to happen now. All I can do is remain strong for my children.

Oh OP, what an absolute chump he is. Your children will know that you are the main person who is there for them, come what may.

Sorry if I've missed this OP but do you have a contact order written into the divorce?

He's probably hoping you'll end up telling them yourself if he keeps avoiding doing it. Coward.

Either that or his new OW has him by the short-hairs and she doesn't want him to have anything to do with exes & his children.

Is there any reason that your two have to be told immediately of the existence of this sibling they've apparently not known about for a year? What difference will knowing make to their lives at the moment? Are they likely to have contact with this baby and the OW soon? Because if not, what's the point of messing you and them around if their father hasn't bothered to tell them before now? Do you think this sudden, recent, contact is the OW's way of making sure her child is acknowledged by your objectionable husband and she gets what he thinks is a "fair share" of his money for child support herself? I really don't understand the urgency to tell your children about their sibling.

One of my DBs has a very high powered job and he would do almost anything to preserve family holidays. He feels it's precious time when the memories and bonds that are so important in family life are built.

If your DH doesn't feel the same it's very tough for you. Perhaps speak to him about how the DC will be grown all too soon. Because they will be and he just won't have those memories.

I don't have any useful advice, but you sound like an brilliant person and mother.

@prawnofthepatriarchy try reading the thread.

Jesus H Christ! Do you think he flaked in the hope you’d be so annoyed you’d deliver the news yourself and let him off the hook?

What an absolute cock!

Argh!!

If your ex-H has now left OW #1 for OW #2, then are your kids actually going to have a relationship with half-sib?

Have you had an STI check? Easy to do at GP and worth it for non-symptom stuff which can effect fertility.

I can’t believe how callous he is. He dumped you on hol while OW #1 gave birth, spent a day with her and then left that new baby for several days? He’s deranged!

Gosh I remember this from last year and thought “affair!!” But honestly this tops it all.

You sound like you are handling it impeccably...

No surprise he wimped out - He sounds like an utter arsewipe.

I wouldn’t care how long it takes - make sure you have great legal advice and lock in financial protection for you and your children - he shown repeatedly he can’t be trusted

Im stil not sure you can make any maintenance permanent if he has other children or he goes to the cms for a recalculation-im not 100% sure on that though

Great stuff. You’ve known about this child for all of a couple of weeks and he’s already using it as a convenient excuse to shirk his responsibility to his other children! What a twat.