AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

[soelle]

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

If he’s generally a lovely husband and father, I’d focus on his own health and well-being.

He needs to understand he has to look after his mind and body or one day he won’t beable to cope.

Op, I know this isn't an easy solution (particularly with smallish children) but would you and your DH be able to go away somewhere on your own for a long weekend?

It doesn't need to be far, but somewhere you can do something together so if your thing is walking or sitting in the pub or clubbing all night whatever, you've got some time to reconnect and open the conversation about what you both want the future to look like?

I’d love that. He has promised to be off work around my birthday in Nov so hopefully we could do something.

I think when he is back, I need to explain the severity of the situation to him. It really does get me down.

I’m hugely concerned he will burn out and this may sound silly but he has a family history of early heart attacks with his dad, grandads, uncle and a brother. I’ve explain this to him and his response is that he works hard so me and the girls will be ok without him if the worst happens.

Hero-complex! They can't manage without him, the company will go down the tubes without him, the sun shines out of his arse etc etc.

If he is so vital then he needs to be proactive about getting someone else sufficiently up to speed to take over when he isn't available. No company should fall or rise dependent on one person alone, Fair enough that there are the odd occasions where he input is needed but it should be rare. This doesn't sound like it's rare. His family matters too.

BTW I know about it because i am prone to it too. It;s taken me a long time to recognise the absurdity and self-aggrandisment of that attitude.

My BIL used to be like this in his sales job, he once got made to fly back home in the middle of a family fortnight in the Canaries for a meeting (apparently video conferencing not good enough) but to be honest even when he was present he was always on his phone and not paying any attention to my DSis and their kids. He got warned by his GP that he was in danger of having a heart attack and my DSis seriously considered ending their marriage.

Thank the lord he was made redundant from that job. He got a massive payout, now works freelance, earns even more and has a much better work/life balance. He's like a different man.

I think family and health must come first but it's really difficult.

It;s taken me a long time to recognise the absurdity and self-aggrandisment of that attitude.

Same with my Dh. I actually told him I wanted a divorce as I’d had enough. I was sure he was going to have a heart attack as he never relaxed, and couldn’t be bothered anymore watching him do this to himself.
He agreed to go to therapy and it really has sorted him out. Dh has childhood issues, grew up on a family farm where he had to work all school holidays and weekends. Therapy made him look at how his childhood was affecting his whole life. It sounds like your DH would probably benefit from some OP.

You are overdue a long conversation about work. Marriage and family are a contract too and he is/or about to default on the terms. My DH is a CEO/COO level in one of the tradionally stressful sectors. I see a lot of burnout/stress induced difficulties. It’s heartbreaking. My Dh has always operated and promoted a family first attitude. There are NO exceptions he is fully present for all family occasions, events and holidays - it’s sacrosanct. Brilliant bosses build a responsible team who are up to be delegated to as part of their own development. The flip side of the coin is that for his teams everyone is afforded the family first option. If you go on holiday you can enjoy it you won’t be hearing from DH - and your jobs safe too - no project fear here. Productivity etc is overachieved, happy people give willingly when their needs are accommodated and they pay back disproportionately when they know their efforts are valued. The children won’t care what his payslip said, they will measure his value by was he there and fully engaged when he WAS bodily present. High flyers need to be very careful that when they decide to bask in the glory of their work achievements that they are not hosting a party for one. All the choices they made about not attending, disappointing, de prioritising and abandoning can come home to roost in a very unpleasant way. You don’t get the chance to do over those life moment’s and people don’t forget how they felt in those circumstances. No one is indispensable, if he disappeared tomorrow the company would still function and contracts would be negotiated and signed, perhaps not in exactly the same way -but the world would still turn in his absence.

he works hard so me and the girls will be ok without him

And that's made possible by.. you and the girls being without him now. Oh the irony.

If he’s earning at that level why is your once in 3 years holiday by train in the U.K.?

And why can’t you afford to live closer to his work so he doesn’t have a 3hr daily commute?

I can see why you would be upset and concerned for his health but if he's making money to set you all up for life I wouldn't fret. He probably wants to make as much as he can in his prime so he can reap the benefits later when the kids are older. I think being driven and ambitious are admirable qualities and not many people have that. My half sisters husband is loaded and always traveling for work but she has a great life with her kids and actually enjoys the breaks from him😉 she gets to stay home, they go to private schools and travel first class everywhere, her attitude is to make the most of it.

The thing is that to work long hours like this you need a supportive partner AND the income needs to be high enough to buy support. If the income isn't there it's not worth doing it at all.

DH comes from a poor background and has done very well. We work together and I've continued working, making a good income, to help reduce the stress on him. If I stayed home I think he would be unbearable. Do you think he sees your teaching job as pin money?

He went back by train. I kept the car with the girls.

He works in London and we just can’t afford house prices in London for the size of house we’d need for the girls. They are in school here too, I don’t want to disrupt their lives. I also help my disabled dad so I don’t want to move too far away from him.

Sarahandduck18 - it’s only two years, last year we didn’t holiday as our mums were both dying or had just died. Everything was a mess. I think he is overcompensating at work now for time he had off last year when his mum died.

We don’t go abroad as DH is petrified of flying.

My dh can tend towards workaholism due to a level of anxiety and paranoia about being out the loop (if he doesn’t know what’s happening he can’t sleep).
But we’ve discussed this and come to the conclusion that staycations and U.K. holidays don’t work for him unless it’s just a long weekend. He can’t disengage.
This year we had our first foreign fortnight (we used to do one week holidays) and he finally properly switched off.
The ONLY reason I tolerate this intrusion into what should be MY family life too is because dh is willing to keep talking about the issue and trying things to help.

Ps. We go abroad by ferry. Even less chance he can run off and leave you there.

Very few people are indispensable.

I'd go further than that. Nobody is indispensable.

Managing a case for a decade... so if you left the company that would be it? Of course they'd cope.

What if you were on holiday in a remote location with no signal?

These things aren't life or death. Clients can be told he/she is on leave. You are entitled to 20 days a year as a minimum.

There's a director in my organisation who works all the hours. After a meeting on.a Friday I said at least the weekend is here. The reply was "Every day is the same to me Sandy. It doesnt make a difference. There's so much work to do"

If this person handed in their notice tomorrow ...we'd be fine. In fact most would be glad tbh.

It's all about priorities and choices.

TLDR - apologies, but I just wanted to share that I still remember my dad doing this exact thing 30 years ago or so. Went from being on holiday in the west country and he ended up disappearing for a day up to Leeds and back (his head office at the time). I still remember it partly because he took the only car we had with us at the time!

both of our mum’s were diagnosed as terminal last year at different time’s and we wanted to spend as much time as possible with them

I just wanted to say sorry for your losses. Such a difficult year for both of you.

Your girls losing both their grandmothers in the same year.

I've worked in big law firms and the partners do take their holidays and there is downtime. You get time between the big deals. The economy is not that buoyant and I just don't believe he's always "on". He is never saying no, as you mentioned, and he's not putting the family first, he's putting his need to provide first.

There are plenty of well paid legal jobs that do not require you to work silly hours or give up holidays. Get him to look for one.

Thank you SandyY2K

I think part of his work obsession this past year is to do with his grief too if I’m honest. It’s made us both reassess our lives but in different ways. I’ve become a lot more family orientated.

Also, apologies for grammar errors, I’m typing quickly whilst watching my 3 year old wreak havoc 😂😂😂😂😂

hela that is so materialistic, I would worry that the DC's would just see their father as a cash machine.

I am not advocating that people don't have a work ethic, but there has to be a compromise. Also for many people who drive themselves too hard early on, there isn't always time to reap the benefits. Think it is quite common for people in highflying stressful careers, to sadly die quite soon after retirement.

DH works longer hours than he is contracted for. I have been a mixture of PT and SAHM since we had DS, so I have facilitated his career. But he still makes sure he has plenty of family time, and tries to be there for as many school events etc as he can be. Also he has had to support me this year following the death of my DF. That has certainly made me prioritise family life. OP I am sorry for your loss and your DH's

For those who work really long hours, so have very little family time, then surely holidays have to be sacrosanct.

Do you have a lavish lifestyle due to your H's mega working hours OP? I hope so..because if not - then why not?

Do you know his colleagues/colleagues' wives, and whether his colleagues work in the same way?

Further comment when you say whether you've been to his sister's lately OP, particularly as an unexpected visit at a time when no way would anyone expect you to be around

'The graveyards are full of the "indispensable".'

We don’t have a hugely lavish lifestyle. Our eldest is in private school and the youngest is in full-time nursery. We have a mortgage and two cars but not massively fancy. I drive a Focus. Before anyone pulls me up, I appreciate how lucky I am to have this security.

DH tends to splash the cash (mostly as guilt) I find by buying me and the girls gifts a lot but he also helps his extended family financially quite a bit too.

I know a couple of his colleagues wives and it seems he isn’t the only one like it as his firm. The other wives seem to understand it more than me.

To be fair, his sister lives quite the drive from me and with work and the kids’ routines, I really can’t drop in.

Maybe I am naive but I really don’t think he’s having an affair.

My dad also used to do this. He had a high powered job.

Turned out he was shagging other women left, right and centre.