AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

[soelle]

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

@Judith.....you're being small minded saying that. Lots of people get holiday work crises - self employed, business owners, farmers etc not just the top brass.

@Andtheresaw

Agreed, this is definitely not a conversation to have at a stressful time. So glad your friend stepped in. That's why I suggested some long weekends for the OPs DH, they'd create some relaxed opportunities to discuss the situation.

As others have said it's pretty common in law. That doesn't make right, but it is expected.

It's difficult to hand things over because you could never explain the full history and dynamics sufficiently to allow the person taking over to deal with something unexpected. And clients build up trust in an individual. I have a case at the moment that I have been working on for the best part of a decade. My juniors were still at high school when the case started - they will never have a full understanding of the history. Reading a file is not the same as living through it. I'm on holiday next week. A deadline has ended up falling in the middle of it. I will end up working.

It just sounds so macho and ... tiresome. All these men acting the Big I Am and all these women facilitating it.

Or two people working in partnership and being flexible.

I'm away on business next Monday and just had a brief discussion with DH about whether he would take a day off work, work from home or take DS4 into the office. We both cover childcare now I'm back at work and in fact if any DC is ill he stays off with them not me because he can work from anywhere.

His work is not that important. When JFK was shot dead the world kept on spinning, and he was the president of the whole USA! There is no way that he really needs to be in work right now.

Perfectly normal unfortunately. This was me 20 years ago. I gave it up when I had dcs. Can’t work now due to ill health.

Dh often works while on holiday. Different field. Nothing unusual in the circle we mix in.

My dad was a corporate solicitor. Always abroad, - well about 3 weeks in 4. We never lived more than an hour from a big airport. We learnt never to holiday more than an hour from a big airport too, although, as children, we loved the nighttime dashes across France to Bordeaux/Montpelier airports and a night in the Novotel. In retrospect I can see that DM put up with a lot (at home a d on holiday) from my dad’s work (we also spent several periods living overseas). DM acknowledges that the money was nice, but also that she was largely alone to deal with 4 dc and all the demands that they bring.

Anyway. DDad became very ill when I was 12. He died when I was 23. I don’t really think I’d spent any time with him since I was 8.

I know the ending of my story is not how the story of the hard-working, crazy hours parent (usually dad) ends, but you do never know what’s round the corner. The organisation I work for seems to attract people “downsizing” from Big Careers. Often triggered by a health scare - theirs or a child’s - but they have had a wake up call that their previous lifestyle was unsustainable.

There is no way that he really needs to be in work right now.

If he wants to stay in corporate law, there is. Your comparison to JFK is quite bizarre.

Also clients expect you to be at the end of the phone at all times. Im glad I’m out of it.

Sorry you're disappointed but that's just the way it is in some jobs for a whole variety of reasons - at least you had him for five days

Op if he doesn't get the right balance, then he will burn out break down, and then be useless to everyone including work and home.

He's risking his health both mentally and physically, I doubt there's any where now that would Allow him to do this to himself.

I agree that it's a choice. These companies would not fold up if you (anyone in these positions) died. They will carry on...business as usual. Have no doubt about it.

We all make choices in life. Some people choose to do these high demand jobs for a limited timeframe.

Working all hours and not being there for your family isn't necessarily appreciated...as was evident in the speech of the groom in a wedding I attended.

His words. "Dad..thank you for paying the mortgage. Mum thank you for your support, encouragement, love, always being there etc

His dad has dementia now and he barely sees him.

Kids remember these things.

Never mind the kids...wives have left marriages/ and or had affairs in these circumstances too.

It's not all about the money and being super successful in your career without a family to share it with, isn't appealing to most people.

It's more sad and lonely.

Having a work life balanced is important.

His dad has dementia now and he barely sees him.
Remember that song by Ugly Kid Joe? Cats in the cradle or something.

^
His words. "Dad..thank you for paying the mortgage. Mum thank you for your support, encouragement, love, always being there etc ^

Very true. In DM’s words “At least he’d paid off the mortgage before he got ill”.

You say you need the money. Is there any way of rearranging your lives so you don't need as much money? Is there an alternative career he'd be interested in? Obviously for some jobs this level of commitment is just a requirement, is this the case for DH or is he just ambitious?

My DH was in tech sales. We had the conversation, or rather the untimatum too. In DH's case I feel he was overcompensating for messing up his degree and constantly striving to prove himself. He built a great career, partly on the back of me caring for our three kids and picking up everything else, 1950s style. I was never bothered about the money, though I was grateful to have the opportunity to be a SAHM.

In the event my DH took what I was saying on board, packed it in and set up on his own. We calculated that we could make enough to live on and have a great work life balance. As the kids grew up I got in the business too. However as DH is great at what he does we have ended up doing really well financially without killing ourselves.

I think you need a big rethink about what you want out of life.

The companies might not fold, but they can take a decision to manage you out. Which, if the money is needed (which is why most people work) won't be helpful either.

I think you are being unreasonable.
If you work in the private sector it is tough you have to show commitment and get results. Redundancy is always round the corner and someone is always there to take your job at a lower price. You have to prove your worth again and again.
The stress in not getting something done is considerable.
It is easy when you are not the main bread winner to talk about work/life balance; reality is something different.
In the past I often would work an hour or two a day or every other day on holiday. Also to go over emails so it is not totally overwhelming when you get back. Cut some slack

OP you have my sympathy but as others have said your DH works in law and deals work like this. Both DH and I work and DH also runs his own business which needs him actively managing it. We have had two holidays in 10 years. We travel a lot but it's to visit family. We are still working but the kids get a break.

When we go away to spend time with family we go to resorts which have a lot of support in terms of childcare. 2DC have autism so I need to make sure they have a lot of support. With family I also have someone there to help.

Next time book a holiday at a place where you can crack on with the DC yourself. If this isn't in your budget your DH needs to go and ask for an increase.

It is easy when you are not the main bread winner to talk about work/life balance; reality is something different

I quit a job that wanted me to work 10 hour days so that I could work 6 hour days instead and I'm still the main earner in our house. I did this because I wanted more time with my family, because it's more important to me than work and money and physical possessions.

Sure, some people have no choice but to work long hours to pay the bills, and that's admirable, but that's certainly not the case for many others, including law graduates with years of experience. In that position, OP's husband is choosing work (and the prestige/big money that comes with it) over his family.

Very few people are indispensable.
My DH (when he was my DP) used to work in London and used to work on deals that sometimes used to involve working through the night. He was in finance. I never quite got why everything seemed so urgent, and wondered why the deal couldn't be time managed better from all sides. He would sometimes have to work through figures that he knew were wrong as the client hadn't had time to prepare them properly. Then work through revised figures once the client had corrected them. What was the point of that?
I do think sometimes with deals it is slightly macho posturing that comes into effect. Also work hard, play hard, fuelled by alcohol and drugs.
DH got made redundant whilst working on a project. He and his colleague were working 80 hour weeks. DH certainly got the better deal, I pitied his colleague who then had to do DH's work too.

DH still works in finance, but not in The City. We don't have as much money as we would if he was still there, but we have a family life and he is very much part of DS's life and not just as a money provider.

I would not have married or had children with DH if he was still in that role in London. It was not conducive to family life. He still has to do deals but they are not as pressured and doesn't involve all nighters.

The PP who said they have been working on a project for 10 years and no-one else has such a handle on it, that is not very good management. What would happen if they were suddenly on long term sick?

It is true that you might know a project better than anyone else and someone else would start from a different point, it doesn't mean that they wouldn't get there and be perfectly competent.

In the atmosphere your DH is in, its very much expected that work comes first and you have to repeatedly demonstrate that. As it is expected to that extent, there's no credit for it - it won't stop the firm making people redundant and everyone going for partnership / equity will be doing the same.

Your DH will have to get better at carving out time for himself, because the firm won't help him do so, and this has to include some balance of family time (even if it's 'absolutely no work on Saturday') and working the rest of the time.

As others have said it is a choice to work in these careers for employers who use and abuse their employees. There is a reason these big city firms have such a high burnout rate and why many people see them as places to make money before doing something worthwhile. I'm afraid I find the whole 'wolf of wall street' thing a bit pathetic.

Thing is people do these prestigious jobs that take over their lives because they pay very well

BUT

You have to live somewhere really expensive to be able to do the job.
You need one partner to SAH or shell out a fortune for long hours of childcare.
Because you have no time and are knackered you spend loads of money making the rest of your life easier: cleaner, gardener, Cook type meals or eating out.
You spend loads on clothes and grooming to look the part.
You may well have a long and expensive commute.

At the end of the day you have a poor quality of life, in terms of seeing your family and time to relax and look after yourself. And quite possibly you don't have that much to show for it financially by the time you have shelled out for everything.

Thank you to so many people for sharing their opinions.

With regards to money, he needs to work as I can’t manage everything on my teacher’s salary but he doesn’t need to earn the salary he does. With adjustments, he could manage on a lower salary. I think my previous comment explained lack of previous year’s holiday too. Sorry if I’m repeating myself, but both of our mum’s were diagnosed as terminal last year at different time’s and we wanted to spend as much time as possible with them.

With regards to holidaying in the UK, DH has a terrible fear of flying. Plus to be honest, I like holidaying in the UK.

Yes, DH did have this job prior to kids but it wasn’t as intense and to be fair, I mistakenly thought he’d ease off work when we had kids. I now realise it’s not that straight-forward.

We’ve been together since we were teenagers and he has always been driven. I get that he has to work a lot. I too just don’t get why his holiday and his boss’ were allowed to overlap hence causing this problem.

In all other areas he’s amazing, and when he’s home we are a happy little family. I just guess I’d like more time like that whilst the kids are young instead of when they’ve flown the nest and he’s retired.