AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

[soelle]

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

I'd be annoyed
More so at his work for not honouring his annual leave
Will he recieve this annual leave back so that he can take it at another time?
Why haven't you been able to be on holiday for two years?
Can you not arrange to stay at his sisters or near her so you can see dh for a bit? Could also see his sister and her family?
Unless he is trying to establish his own company then there is no reason they cannot make do without him for a week, especially if they had enough notice to prepare. What would happen if he had fallen ill and could not work?
This does not sound fair on you or the kids and I hope his work can make it up to him and he can make it up to you.

What does he do and where is he in the pecking order.?

I've worked for plenty of bosses with very big jobs. I can't say I can recall any of them having to cut a holiday short. It is possible to have a big job and not be available every single minute of the day but that is down the person and the organisation.

Personally, I wouldn't put up with it and would be reconsidering my marriage. My DH has a very good job and works hard/long hours but he knows his priorities.

Theresa May and Donald Trump have proper holidays. How "important" is he really

I worked in an extremely punishing job (corporate law in the City mental hours all day all night etc) for a top firm and even they respected a family holiday.

It’s not always about having a ‘big’ or ‘executive’ job, it’s a lot of the time about who brings in the business/money for the organisation and they’re never usually the ones in the senior positions but they earn a substantial amount in salary and in bonuses because of the sacrifices they make.

When he took the job I’m sure he would have been aware of the expecatations and I’d hope he would’ve discussed this with the OP.

No, YANBU. I'd actually be reconsidering my marriage if my OH did this (if I was married). I could just about accept this if my OH was self employed and establishing his own business and this could make or break the company. But if he works for another organisation, absolutely not.

Yep 100%

Yes, I used to work in PR and if there was a pitch coming up it would be all hands on deck and some longer hours than normal but never interrupt anyone's holiday. I've also worked in some of the largest financial institutions in the UK and know some very senior people indeed and never have I known people have to give up holidays like this. They may well be expected to work serious hours in normal time but holidays are sacrosanct to ensure they can work the longer hours the rest of the time.

This is why I don't have my work email on my phone and my phone is switched off on holidays. I will check voicemail in case of a family or friend emergency but that's your lot.

Orchid and Ellisandra are right. The only question is the degree to which the OP’s husband has allowed work to think this is OK which may have affected their decision to contact him.

If he’s basically said to them I’m on holiday but call me if you need me, he’s part of the problem. I have personal experience of them thanks DH and my own bosses

I would ask him WHY he goes to work. If it's because his work is the number one priority in his life and what he gets the most enjoyment/satisfaction from, then that shows you where you fit in his scheme of things and you have to decide whether you can accept this or call an end to it.

However, if he says he works so hard in order to support you and the DC and it's all for the family, ask him what is the point if he never spends any time with the family. Tell him that it is making you all unhappy and therefore it is self-defeating.

Personally I would not accept my DH leaving the first family holiday in years to go back to work unless there was a major emergency (e.g. the building burned down and he had to go to sort out what could be salvaged, finding an alternative building to rent, deal with the insurance etc.) Anything less than that, no way. If he did, as a PP says, I'd expect him to then have time off in lieu at a later date.

Next time, go abroad to somewhere where there's only one flight a week (they do exist) and "lose" his mobile phone.

i know people like this - my husband is one of those. Works on holiday sometimes - phone always primed, emails always going. Its anoying but sometimes is the price you have to pay for having such a demanding job. I have friends who are heads of regions - some are away 3 weeks at a time with work and just bring their family along. Its tough - but there are jobs like that.

Theresa May and Donald Trump have proper holidays. How "important" is he really

Depends what you mean by proper holiday. TM will work every day whilst away.

To answer a few questions, yes he works in corporate law. I’m a teacher so don’t really ‘get it’ I work outside of school but I never sacrifice time my own kids. This deal has apparently been finalised sooner than expected.

First holiday in two years and last year both of our mum’s were terminally ill and both sadly passed now but we didn’t want to leave them.

The reason I thought about coming home early was so that he could come home tonight and spend time with the girls. They hardly see him enough as it is. Often out for 5 and back after bedtime.

He has only just been promoted and there is only boss above him and ironically this boss went on holiday abroad yesterday and can’t be contacted... 🙄 I think DH is trying to prove himself in his new role. He says yes to everything...

We don’t really talk about work - part of the problem but I don’t doubt that DH told them to call him if there’s a problem.

He is immensely driven, from quite a deprived background and is obsessed with the girls not doing without. We’re doing ok, but frankly, I’d be happy for him to take a huge step back and make cuts. I never see him.

We FT and talk every evening and morning when he’s at his sister’s. He’s def there, I know his family well and talk to them loads too. His sister is trying to encourage him to step back at work too. I’m worried he’ll burn out and miss loads of the kids’ lives.

I’m going to enjoy today with the girls and have a girly day but I really need to talk to him about this when I see him again.

Agree with the posters saying this is normal to an extent.
When my DH was younger he had to grab all the deals he could get, and if his company were mid-deal, he had to go after it. We needed the money and his was the type of career where being absent for 2 weeks meant clients would forget you if you were relatively junior.
But...
It is also the type of job where you have 'laptop holidays' and he'd occasionally suddenly get an influx of calls, need to send emails, go back and forth a bit and then it would be done and handed over to a more junior person to finish off.

Annoying, boring and frustrating but I understood and supported DH in his career.

On the other hand, my own father once bailed on a family holiday last minute. I was gutted. My mum held it together and took us anyway. Turned out he was having an affair and off in Thailand with OW. He apparently 'couldn't face' a holiday with his kids and wife.

Trust your instincts, if you know it is not an affair then you know. If you know he genuinely needs to work and its short term (means he'll make enough money/get promoted to something where he eventually works less) then you may have to grin and bear it. If it makes you desperately unhappy then speak to him.

My dh brings his work phone on holiday and will respond to work emails and questions either in the evening or when we have a break from doing stuff and are just watching TV or something. He will also have the phone on vibrate so if someone important calls, he will answer it.

To exit a rare family holiday is not good at all and is so crappy that yes I’d consider whether he was having an affair.

@offside ...I agree. My DH is tech sales - management consultancy as a partner. We've had many hols interrupted by scheduled conference calls...that's most holidays, if he schedules them it's fine. We had one holiday in the UK that went completely up shit creek on day 3 due to a ranting boss and client. He had to go home to save his backside. V stressful, these things happen depending on the industry and life you choose.

sorry soelle I just read your reply.

Has he always been really committed and driven? Or is it a new thing? Could it be a mid life crisis which he is dealing with by trying to be the big manly powerful boss, wanting to be the provider.

Do you have 'enough'? This obviously depends on your decisions. E.g. can you afford private school fees if that is what you've chosen easily or is it a struggle? Are you in the kind of house you both wanted?
If so, then he needs to realise he's given you all you need and you now want him around.

It's hard. And you can see from his point of view that he wants to do well and give you and your children all they deserve. Perhaps tell him from your DC's point of view, that they are missing him and sad when he goes etc.

The bit about not being home till Monday sounds very very dodgy. Do a bit of digging.

We run our own business and Dh has never had a holiday where he doesn’t work, emails, phone calls ever single say. I realised early on that I had to accept it or leave. I decided to accept it as did the dc. They are in early twenties now and they have acfab relatuonship with their dad and we’re all going on holiday at Xmas (along with Dds’ partners)

However he never left the holiday early.
What’s he like as a dad and husband when he isn’t working?

Also if he hasn’t had a holiday for two years, I suspect he’s extemely stressed out and heading for a breakdown, if he carries on like this.

Never crossed my mind that DH would piss off home for an affair.....he was getting his arse whipped by his boss, not a OW! 😁

Your dh is very driven and can't see the wood for the trees. This doesn't make him a bad / inconsiderate husband and father and I can't quite understand the posters who say this would be a marriage deal breaker. The fact that he comes from a deprived background is very telling - he's doing everything he can to avoid this for his family and is fearful of losing his hard earned money and status. Yes you need a good talk with him and to explain how this makes you all feel.

On a practical note - book your next holiday overseas a plane flight away.

I am not sure that the suggestions of extra marital affairs are very constructive, particularly given this from the op:
"We FT and talk every evening and morning when he’s at his sister’s. He’s def there, I know his family well and talk to them loads too. His sister is trying to encourage him to step back at work too. I’m worried he’ll burn out and miss loads of the kids’ lives. "

I guess when you are that poor as a child, and are very driven..... he's earning mega bucks, but you have no quality of life. That's his and your choice. Doubtful he'll ever change.

In all honesty OP if he stays in corporate law it won't get any easier.

About to say similar.

My DH has had to do this. It’s absolutely rubbish, but part of the job. I knew this when I married him.