AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

[soelle]

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

DH has flown home from most of our family holidays because he had to work. The difference is, we take long holidays and he has the dates in his diary and the flights booked beforehand. He always comes back to the holiday too. It’s a pain, but I’m used to it after 20 years.

We’re doing ok, but frankly, I’d be happy for him to take a huge step back and make cuts. I never see him.

I’m worried he’ll burn out and miss loads of the kids’ lives.

He 100% is missing their lives. You need to talk to him about how important this is to you. When he's on his death bed, do you think he's going to be glad he chose to work more hours in corporate law than spend more time with his young children? I certainly hope not! You only live one life.

Also, if he's important to his firm, they will let him have a week off work. He needs to value himself higher tbh.

I've worked in law firms and I don't think this is that unusual- at either end of the career scale. I've seen people come back from honeymoon early, and have to abandon holidays with partners whilst at the airport about to board. Big firms have sleep rooms you can book when working non stop but during big deals there's so much demand that a lot of people just kip on the floor of their office. I guess if you haven't worked in that environment it's hard to imagine.

I was talking to a couple whose son read law at Cambridge. He worked in one of the big city law firms.

After years of late nights and constant pressure, with barely having an actual life, followed by a breakdown, he gave it up to work in a low paid missionary type job.

He's never looked back according to his DM.

Another person...she was a school mum..gave up being a lawyer because of the stress and not seeing her DC much and became a school meals supervisor. Just as well because she died of cancer a few years later.

Those long hours high stress roles are not for people with a young family.

YANBU by the way.

I often have to work on holiday, or cancel days off. I have regulatory/legal obligations that can't just be palmed off to someone else easily. DH also has to work on bids sometimes while on holiday. If he doesn't do it, misses the contract, he misses his bonus, which we need. DBro has frequently had to fly back from holidays for work leaving his wife and 3 kids. None of us are workaholics, it is just the nature of our roles.

It really isn't that unusual for high earners. Being a high earner does not automatically mean exotic holidays. We go to a campsite in France for one week a year. It's the way our finances are set up (big mortgage and school fees).

And it doesn't automatically mean an affair. None of the three of us mentioned are having an affair. We are too busy juggling life/work/kids etc. I barely have the energy for my marriage, let alone anything outside of that!

I would understand if you oh prioritises family at other times. My OH is self employed and often works / takes calls while we are on holiday. But it doesn't bother me as he puts me and the children first at all the times and does all the school runs.

My oh has left holidays early or worked all day but I know he would only do it if 100% necessary and I fully support him

Take a holiday abroad to solve the problem?

Nope. We were two flights from home when the shit hit the fan at DHs work. I seriously thought they were going to send a private jet for him. The next few days were ruined. He won’t actually talk about that holiday.

Big firms have sleep rooms you can book when working non stop but during big deals there's so much demand that a lot of people just kip on the floor of their office. I guess if you haven't worked in that environment it's hard to imagine

Even if I can imagine it, the bottom line is that it's still a choice. I'm sure their are plenty of law-related jobs out there that don't demand so much time from people. It's a life decision, and that's fine, each to their own, but I wouldn't do it myself and I wouldn't want to be married or have kids with someone who did. It would be a deal-breaker for me.

Next time he obsessed about the girls not going without tell him they already are going without their dad and that's really sad.

I've had this with DP, except he took the car (so he could be there ASAP) and left me and the kids to get the train! It was shit, I was angry and the kids were disappointed, but ultimately it was a very serious thing that happened at work (IT catastrophe) and he needed to go. It's hard to understand if you have the sort of job where someone else can step in. OP's situation doesn't sound like a one-off though, and I'd be wanting to have a serious talk about how his job was negatively impacting on family life, and maybe discussing a change of job or house move so he doesn't need to stay away so much.

First of all, I'm so sorry your holiday was messed up like this, esp. after such a rough 2017.

Going forward, setting some boundaries is key, or his career really is going to take over family life. I like LonnyVonny's approach:

My DH is like this, so we have ground rules. He has one hour a day on holiday to do emails/phone calls, and that's in the evening when I'm sitting with a book.

Interrupting holidays sets an unhealthy precedent. OK, he's impressed his new boss with his dedication this time, but it can't happen every year. I think people with high-pressure jobs require frequent breaks to recharge, so he can let his boss know that he'll be taking a couple of days off in lieu (just a long weekend, perhaps) as soon as said boss gets back from their holiday!

That could actually be a good approach for your family - can he take a series of mini-breaks (3-day weekends) when he's not so busy, instead of trying to book a week off far in advance? If your DCs have school/nursery, he can use Friday to wind down , then he'll be relaxed for some fun weekend activities.

The more quality time he spends with his family, the more he'll realise how important it is. No one will care that he was a corporate lawyer when he's 70, only that he was around and available for his family.

I had the conversation 4 years ago with my dh that I suspect you will need to have with yours.

I told him he was in danger of missing our dd growing up and that our marriage was suffering. I’m afraid I also told him he’d already list his opportunity to spend quality time with his parents as they’d both died and I had more memories with them than he did.

He too was out to prove himself.

I asked if anyone else at his level worked the hours he did or never switched their phone off. When he thought about it he did the longest hours and picked up on all the jokes the others made about his working hours.

Lastly I told him he was a shit manager if he couldn’t even trust his own staff and felt he had to always be there and perhaps he should train them better and that they’d be happier if he wasn’t always looking over their shoulders!

Of course I got the ‘but I’m doing it for us’ shit. I asked him if that meant that if he were single he’d only be working part time as that’d be enough on his hourly rather to pay the bills. Of course he wouldn’t! I called him out on it and told him this was only about what he wanted and it wasn’t good enough.

I wish I hadn’t had to be so harsh but it took that before saw it for himself. Since then the phone has an auto do not disturb and he makes use to the out of office facility on phone/laptop.

After the first couple of weeks of this I asked if he’d had any negative comments, he hadn’t. He’s been promoted twice since then.

Some people have to forsake a family holiday if a person is in certain types of jobs, My late husband was a few times called away from a family holiday,and in two cases,had to rush of to the USA for a week on business.
I am wondering if some people never trust their husbands/partners these days, saying things like,reconsider the marriage, hire a private investigator etc, how strange is this?

I worked with someone who was in a very senior role but incredibly disorganised and inefficient. He never handed over work properly while he was going on holiday or finished things off beforehand so people had to phone him and sometimes he had to cancel holidays or come home early. If he had been more organised there would have been no need whatsoever to interrupt his holidays. I'm glad I don't work with him any longer!

YANBU but neither is he.
It isn't simple. He's got himself into a stress circle and you adding on more pressure will not help.

My story: not sure if it is relevant but it strikes me that there are similarities: I used to be in a job where the management led us to believe that the client called the shots in all things. We were very reactive to the various whims of the clients whether or not they were right or their timescales made sense or were required. Nothing was allowed to go 'late'. We dropped what we were doing if a client shouted and went above and beyond to make them happy.
At the time I had a 3 year old and a DH who earned more than me but had a different type of job. We were due to go away for a week with out best friends and their 2 DC. I stayed late on Friday to try and get everything finished but couldn't. Spent the weekend getting everything packed for the trip and arranged to go in to the office on Monday am when the secretaries were there to get things completed, while DH and DC went to holiday to meet friends and I'd be there mid-afternoon. There was a terrible storm and the power went down, so I was delayed at work. I ended up driving for 4 hours in the dark in lashing rain (it should have been 1.5 hours) to arrive at 9pm, so exhausted that breathing hurt. DH went spare. He was right to be angry but he went mad. I just stood there broken while he let loose. Then DH of friend couple walked in, took my coat, handed me a glass of red, took me by the hand in to where my DD was sleeping, then walked me downstairs to the sofa. All the while my DH looking on in surprise.
Friend DH saw I was trapped and helped me, whereas my DH just added to the pressure.

Motherhood101fail speaks sense;

'As PP have said there are certain sectors where it is just par for the course and demanding that your holidays be sacrosanct is just a fast track to being performance managed out the door. I saw it countless times in law firms, unfortunately.'

They don't call them 'lifers' for nothing.

I think you have to accept that this is part of the territory. Your husband is a workaholic and in an environment that demands total commitment. Only you can decide if you're happy with the status quo or if there is a way to compromise more.

My DH is like this. Not Corp. Law but a global position requiring regular travel at short notice and often for extended periods of time. He's mellowed and has the luxury of being selective about his interruptions now but we've just got back from a week in Europe and not a day went by without calls and emails to respond to. He can switch in and out of work mode seamlessly now and I often don't even notice.

We have four children and when they were little I'd be lying if I said I wasn't resentful and stretched at times but his career has provided a very nice lifestyle and the choices that go with them. I'm not sure I buy the 'quality time' thing. I don't think my kids missed him terribly when he was away and they adore him. My children love the fact that he travels extensively and we have joined him regularly on trips.

Just as I wouldn't want a junior doctor treating me who had been working an all night 24 hour shift, I wouldn't want a corporate lawyer working excessive hours either! Efficiency does drop, as does attention to detail, memory. I once had a partner who made a huge error at work (costing 100,000's) due to being exhausted and not checking something. I suppose for the odd day or two, for the odd project or two, it could be ok, but as a way of life, surely the only result is burnout and inefficiency and mistakes. Lawyers aren't actually able to outrun tiredness and lack of sleep any more than anyone else.

Also, there's a difference between responding to emails and working a little on holiday, which I think is fine if you need to give quick answers, and actually leaving a family holiday, not going home and living elsewhere for 5 days without much sleep or rest. I check my mail/work a little on holiday to deal with very time-dependent issues and to stop them building up, but I wouldn't run out on a family holiday and I bet almost no working women have- it's only men who leave the family holidays (wait to be deluged with tales of women leaving their family in the lurch in their caravan in Cornwall whilst they go back to the office for the weekend)...

here is only boss above him and ironically this boss went on holiday abroad yesterday and can’t be contacted

Clearly, the problem is that, for some reason, he either chose or was allowed to take his holidays at the same time as the only person above him.
That is a recipe for holiday disaster. At least for the weakest link - your OH.

I'd let it go this time. You're perfectly capable of having a holiday with your children if he's away. Don't go back a day earlier. What for? Just let the children have the time away, even if without dad.
Being devastated is a major over-reaction.

But insist that next time he chooses a time that doesn't overlap his boss' holiday.

It just sounds so macho and ... tiresome. All these men acting the Big I Am and all these women facilitating it.

It just sounds so macho and ... tiresome.

Hmm.

Last year, a colleague and I cancelled our holidays for work with last minute trips.
We didn't have big plans, but we ended up moving our holidays to the following year.

This used to happen to us, DH, being self employed, used to actively avoid holidays so if I wanted a holiday I had to both book it and pay for it.It would take him days to relax, and the number of times we had to leave early, because he needed to work!
In fact between friends family they used to laugh about the "H" word in front of DH.
Now he is a lot older he is more relaxed and in the past few years we have had the most wonderful holidays, hopefully OP it will get better with time.

Not to mention that time I went to a congress during maternity leave.

I don't mean to be harsh but someone I knew well was in exact same job and had exact same issues with "family life". His children rarely saw him but now don't see him at all because he is dead! And yes they are still children.

A lifestyle like this can have very very serious consequences. And he has to decide what is more important. It took this person I know until his death bed to realise he had made the wrong choices in life.