Is my H To be abusive?

[lilisabeth]

Hi, I don't know who to talk to about this because sometimes I feel that I'm losing contact with reality. I met my boyfriend 8 months ago, it was a dream he was the man I always wanted, caring, loving, generous, he was ready for a relationship and was looking forward to move together.. I must say I am a very independent woman, I lived sometime by myself, I like to spend time with my friends and family... well, after 6 months together he asked me the question, and I said yes! But I asked him to live together first for sometime and see how things were going for us before setting up a date. We moved together, to his house, he has high standards about his space ( I am not messy or unclean) but it makes make feel paranoid about cleaning the oven, open the windows etc, I'm starting to get tired of all these.. plus he is always waiting for me at home, depressed and wants me to put up with all his emotional insecurities, in the last months we didn't do anything fun together.. we basically talk about house rules, I can see he never goes out, whilst I have a group of friends he is always expecting me to be at home with him.. to add to the mix- 4 weeks ago I took one of his special knives to open a sausage package and he stormed off: he went on screaming at me: what don't you get about not using that knives??! What don't you fucking get? He kept on asking me IM FUCKING ASKING YOU A QUESTION until I (that was eating on the sofa) couldn't believe my ears and burst to cry , went upstairs to bedroom, he came and I thought he was going to say sorry ( oh silly me!!) he said to me: go downstairs and pick up for f* plate , don't you think I'm going to clean after you.

This episode worries me a lot, and since then he is accusing me of stupid things, if I hug him in the morning with his suit on , he push me back because I'm creasing it ..he leaves the house without a word and call me after to say he is not having breakfast and he is in the rain because of me and my mood( obviously I was upset after he didn't want to hug me).. he blame all me for everything , last weekend I decided not to talk to get sure not get into a rant
I am not sure about this wedding, I am blaming myself about feeling irritable about his obsessions bout the house... not sure what can I do.

I'm sure you know yourself that this is abusive. I can understand it's difficult when you're in it yourself to see the wood from the trees but I'm sure you know well this is not normal or good behaviour.

Get as far away from this man as possible as soon as you can.

Also, it's so great that he's your H TO BE...now is the time to break free before legalities are in place.

Hi everybody, first of all I don't know how to thank you all , because you gave me strength to believe in myself and stand up and leave... I managed to pick up my stuff, the truth is that I know he loves me and he said sooo many times to me that I'm not ready for a relationship for fighting for ourselves .. that I have to start to believe again in myself.. he feels guilty one minute nad buys me flowers and after that he says things like how could I have sex with you? Don't you see how much your body has changed? ( I am a slim person... now , 20 years ago and 5 months ago..) he is vicious ..I noticed his goal now is to make me believe that I have a problem and the whole relationship didn't work because of me.. unfortunately I need to believe in myself. He messaged me desperately to say that I had to go back to clean the fridge that I left dirty...
sadly, he was a get gentleman, caring and loving, he always wanted to have a family together a life together and maybe that put me off so quickly ... little by little I was seeing things like he wanted me to give him full attention when we were with my friends..
Oh I don't know , I am confused now! I know this man will end being very toxic
Just a note: the story he told me about his ex was," she left me when I was in the hospital... " funny enough he has being trying to call me to get into the hospital with him that was alone ( i thought he was manipulating me so I didn't go) obviously i will be also a bitch ( but he is saying how mean I am.. and sometimes I believe I should have help him)
Well I guess I might need some months now to recover and put myself together

Definitely devote time to yourself. You are worth that. Well done.

Glad you got your stuff. Please now block him everywhere & don't engage with him ever again as otherwise he'll try to suck you back in. Stay strong.

Just tired of him , I had to block him on phone, social media everything.
I can't listen his voice anymore !

Absolutely don't fall for his crocodile tears, demands, any of it. It's all part of a pattern, designed to manipulate you. He's done it before to the exes, now you. He'll find some other poor woman soon enough, she'll believe him for a while & think you & all his other previous GFs must have been awful, then she'll realise somehow, just like you have.

Lots of us have been there. It's hard but you'll get through it, and you'll be stronger in the end. Your ex will still be a hideous twat though.

Yes, he is abusive. Run fast!

Why do you think previous partners have left him while he was in hospital? It may have been the only chance they had to get away from this controlling man.

Stay strong, op.

He sounds like he might have OCD? Sounds like be needs professional help.

OCD is the least of his problems

Glad you got away op, he sounds very unstable.

Get well away from him. If he's like this BEFORE you get married he'll sure as hell only get a lot worse.

Be brave and GO he sounds absolutely awful.

Sorry, didn't see your above post, well done!!

Christ on. Bike! Run And don't look back!!!

A bike...

Oh thank goodness you did!

Please research NPD and OCPD - they are personality disorders. Study them, if any of the information rings bells then thank your lucky stars that you are at a point where you can escape without too many complications. Good luck x

He is not begging me to come back, is something about control. About "make sure you return your key and clean the fridge " or " dispose the hangers" ??!! You could not believe it from such and shy, soft talking guy in a social environment.. but it feels like anytime I say something that is not right he flips.. and it's all about me not understanding his standards and what a relationship really is. Now is all about control, about saying and force me to say that I was the one messing things up... but I believed it! He stayed 1hour on the phone arguing about how I made things didffxiult for us, how he didn't want to have sex with me because I didn't go with him to the gym! This man at the same time but caring and wanted to be warm and cuddle me but I was shocked with his kind of tension at home ...never mind. Many reflections now that come to my mind!

1 hour?
You need to practice saying "gotta go now bye" and put phone down. No reason to speak on phone but if you do cut it short.

That's how I ended.. ! Gotta go bye. BLOCK
But feeling sometimes are still There and I wanted to have an amicable break up.. but I can see now that's impossible .

You can't have an amicable breakup with a manipulative, abusive shitwipe. Just be glad you've seen who he is and got the fuck out of there before you were tied to him.

I had basically this exact same situation happen. Could have been the same guy.

Honestly just get out of it now. The thing I regret most was staying. I tried to justify his behaviour because when he was nice he was REALLY nice but when he was mean he was REALLY mean. The ‘rules’ got stricter, the chastising got meaner, the controlling tendencies shifted from passive aggressive to cruel and he started making horrible comments about my food/ exercise choices and physical appearance. That’s where it finally ended. With a called off wedding and a total emotional meltdown.

What a horrible time for you but well done for leaving and blocking. There is no need to be amicable, he wasn’t nice to you when you were living with him so now, when you think of him, only think what a lucky escape you had.

Well done for knowing instinctively there was something wrong and insisting you live together first. Well done also for getting away. This man has very SERIOUS mental health problems, way beyond just controlling behaviour. You say you wanted an amicable break-up, but please remember he could not be amicable when you were in a relationship with him.