Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my H To be abusive?

202 replies

lilisabeth · 16/08/2018 10:37

Hi, I don't know who to talk to about this because sometimes I feel that I'm losing contact with reality. I met my boyfriend 8 months ago, it was a dream he was the man I always wanted, caring, loving, generous, he was ready for a relationship and was looking forward to move together.. I must say I am a very independent woman, I lived sometime by myself, I like to spend time with my friends and family... well, after 6 months together he asked me the question, and I said yes! But I asked him to live together first for sometime and see how things were going for us before setting up a date. We moved together, to his house, he has high standards about his space ( I am not messy or unclean) but it makes make feel paranoid about cleaning the oven, open the windows etc, I'm starting to get tired of all these.. plus he is always waiting for me at home, depressed and wants me to put up with all his emotional insecurities, in the last months we didn't do anything fun together.. we basically talk about house rules, I can see he never goes out, whilst I have a group of friends he is always expecting me to be at home with him.. to add to the mix- 4 weeks ago I took one of his special knives to open a sausage package and he stormed off: he went on screaming at me: what don't you get about not using that knives??! What don't you fucking get? He kept on asking me IM FUCKING ASKING YOU A QUESTION until I (that was eating on the sofa) couldn't believe my ears and burst to cry , went upstairs to bedroom, he came and I thought he was going to say sorry ( oh silly me!!) he said to me: go downstairs and pick up for f* plate , don't you think I'm going to clean after you.

This episode worries me a lot, and since then he is accusing me of stupid things, if I hug him in the morning with his suit on , he push me back because I'm creasing it ..he leaves the house without a word and call me after to say he is not having breakfast and he is in the rain because of me and my mood( obviously I was upset after he didn't want to hug me).. he blame all me for everything , last weekend I decided not to talk to get sure not get into a rant
I am not sure about this wedding, I am blaming myself about feeling irritable about his obsessions bout the house... not sure what can I do.

OP posts:
Spilledmycoffee · 16/08/2018 11:46

Oh wow. Yes I agree that you need to leave.

My ex once asked me to help clean a room, and shouted at me for starting somewhere other than where he would have started.

A couple of months later, he broke my cheekbone.

He is making you unhappy. You don't need to be unhappy

IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 16/08/2018 11:48

I have to point out he is taking you for a mug as well as being abusive.

looondonn · 16/08/2018 11:49

Spiledmycoffee yes same happened to me

OP run run run

As in - today don't go back

Get someone to get your stuff he may turn nasty

hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2018 11:53

but I'm really unhappy
You wrote this and this is all you need to leave.
I'm glad you've recognised it so early on.
Now understand that life is very short.
You get one shot and being unhappy and treading on eggshells in no way to live.
Get back to your flat ASAP.

RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FermatsTheorem · 16/08/2018 11:55

Run.

Seriously, as far and as fast as you can.

differentnameforthis · 16/08/2018 11:55

not sure what can I do. Leave.

yes, it is abuse. It could escalate to violence.

Teaandcrisps · 16/08/2018 11:57

8-months in and you should be so much in honeymoon stage. RUN!

Furx · 16/08/2018 11:59

RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

What she said

HolyPieter · 16/08/2018 12:01

He's a textbook abusive partner.

The signs were there from the beginning- having no friends is a massive red flag.

whattimeislove · 16/08/2018 12:03

Definitely move back to your old flat (or anywhere else on the meantime). It was a good idea to live together before you married, you've really dodged a bullet there.

blitzen · 16/08/2018 12:03

Please do not marry this man.
Please do not stay in this abusive relationship any longer. Xx

Elephant14 · 16/08/2018 12:05

There are many of us on here who didn't leave, got married, and have wasted years and been unhappy, we are looking at you now assuming you are young woman, you might be young enough to be my daughter I suppose, and we are saying please god don't do this at all. Split up completely he will never change.

You have a chance to change your life for the better by not marrying this arsehole. Please please take it.

Hissy · 16/08/2018 12:05

Absolute text book and wait for this:

HE WILL ONLY EVER GET WORSE!

IF you marry this abuser, he will utterly destroy what is left of your life and your self esteem. It will take decades to recover, in fact you may be emotionally scarred forever. NO PARTNER IS WORTH THAT

This is only 8m in, as it will only ever get worse, please understand that your very LIFE is potentially at risk. 2 women a week die at the hands of abusive partners. With the level of rapid escalation, you are at VERY grave risk from this man.

Omgineedanamechange · 16/08/2018 12:07

Watch sleeping with the enemy, and run like the fucking wind. Not necessarily in that order.

NadiaLeon · 16/08/2018 12:08

Leave him and let some other poor sap fall for him. He's not your responsibility.
If it were a good normal relationship, you would not be writing to mumsnet.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 16/08/2018 12:09

Open a bunch of stuff with his stupid knife.

Then run.

BlueUggs · 16/08/2018 12:11

Get out NOW. Ignore him when he tries to love bomb you back OR threatens to harm himself unless you go back.
Run, ignore, block.
Tell your friends and family exactly why you have left him.
Do it NOW.

thethoughtfox · 16/08/2018 12:14

Run!!! Trust your instincts; they are trying to protect you.

thethoughtfox · 16/08/2018 12:16

Do you see why he asked you to marry him so oddly early in the relationship? This is calculated. He knows he can't keep up the nice guy act and wants you trapped so you won't leave.

Mishappening · 16/08/2018 12:18

I really do not think you need any advice from us. You know it is time to call a halt to this and get on with your life.

HelenUrth · 16/08/2018 12:23

I am not sure about this wedding, I am blaming myself about feeling irritable about his obsessions bout the house... not sure what can I do.

You can get out.
Don't even engage with him, there's no talking to an abuser like this.
Do not blame yourself, he's 100% responsible for his own behaviour.
Would you want this life for anyone you care about?
Why would you want it for you?

SilverBirchTree · 16/08/2018 12:25

If you have to ask then yes

SugarandVinegar · 16/08/2018 12:25

And this is only chapter one..he's bloody awful and clearly you're
not the cure for whatever ails him. Time to make your exit, op. Sharpish.

RachelAnneJ · 16/08/2018 12:27

It's not often younger unanimous advice on here, but yes you need to get out, quickly.

This behaviour will not get better it will escalate. Leave, change numbers and have no further contact with him.

trulybadlydeeply · 16/08/2018 13:03

I've just seen that you have your house to go back to. Do this now, and as soon as you are back there have the locks changed immediately.

Swipe left for the next trending thread