Awful holiday

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Help me get through this please. I have come on holiday with a friend and her son. I have 3 DC. I'm a week into a two week holiday and it's just awful. She spends all day telling me what to do, where we should go, what we should eat and pressuring me to spend money when she knows I'm trying to keep to a budget. I wanted to chill out just with my kids one day and she accused me of lacking respect and decency because I didn't want to put a towel over my head in a rainstorm to meet her in a bar.
It's just relentless. I'm spending time with her all day and finding it so stressful. She snaps at me and my kids and then she wants to sit up at night drinking and gets so offended if i want an early night.
Last night I said 'I'll just have a glass of wine in this next place and head back as I'm a bit tired.'
She snapped 'why do you have to plan everything? You're on holiday. Go with the flow. You might want more than one glass of wine. I can't relax, I'm on holiday.'
I feel like I can't speak as it will be wrong. I would love to cut ties but our other friend is arriving for the final week and I don't want to make it awkward for her.
I also hate confrontation and have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I want to go home

I might be a lone voice but if I went in holiday WITH a friend and her dcs I would expect we would spend time together. I would assume we would hang out on the beach or by the pool during the day and maybe go back to own rooms for a bit during the day and then meet up in the evening for dinner.

‘Friend’ is a bully. Don’t placate her, use clear simple sentences. I do like responding with ‘there’s no need for negativity. See you tomorrow’.
Hopefully other friend is more direct at telling her this holiday doesn’t revolve around you!

Can you keep repeating your texts?
I'm relaxing reading a book
Come out
No I'm relaxing reading a book etc
She might get bored with the repetition and can't argue with you as much??
I have to say I'd have been a bit sarky by now though

@ciderwithbuda I wouldn’t be averse to spending regular time with someone either - but both families boundaries have to be respected. One person is not supposed to facilitate the others wants, all.the.time !

Send her this thread

Then block her number

You have the patience of a saint. I would have exploded by now.

She seems way too dependant on you.

Just adding my two Penneth- I'm with everyone else - "sorry you compleye fruitloop hun, that doesn't work for us - see you soon, so fuck off cheery bye" !

This is a great opportunity for you to become more assertive - trust me tackle it now and you won't have as much an issue again confronting dickheads like her.

To help motivate you think of your kids and this is their holiday too and also what you have spent on this holiday.

Take back your power from this horrible person

I agree with you needing to be more assertive and less apologetic. There is also room for some compromise if you choose to, just make sure it is on your terms.
"No, thanks, we are staying by our pool today, we need some family time. We are eating at (place, time) tomorrow and will be there until (time) if you fancy joining us".

Gives you control, gives her the option of meeting you on your terms. If that doesn't suit her, you have offered and can be guilt free. Don't waver from any of your suggestions to her tho.

yes, you are way too much of people pleaser!

be clear, take longer to reply to texts, switch your phone off occasionally, do stuff to suit yourself.

FWIW, we never go on holiday with friends as it is often quite difficult due to everyone having different expectations (and, ironically, the pressure to relax. I am not a big drinker, so would hate being forced into boozing every night to "relax", for me relaxing is a long walk on the beach, a cup of tea and early bed haha. Yes I may sound boring, that's why I don't do holidays with groups)

She hasn't messaged yet today. Hoping she might get the hint! Enjoying it!

tell yourself: DOn't apologise, don't explain. Be friendly, surely, but don't roll over to keep the peace.

Don't make excuses about the kids, if you make an excuse or give an explanation, she will counter it. Just say: "I am going to bed now. See you tomorrow xx" none of this "I would like to come, but I can't leave the kids too long/it's raining etc." as you have seen, she has an answer to every excuse so stop giving reasons and excuses.

I would normally avoid posting a thread like this in case I was identified, but right now I don't care because she's upset me so much. It would solve the problem.
I am a classic people pleaser and I need to stop it now or I'll never respect myself.

@CiderwithBuda of course I was intending to spend loads of time with her. But I also assumed she would be ok if I wanted a bit of time to myself and I didn't expect her to boss me about and criticise everything - even the fact that I said I would have another glass of wine. Now she's been so rude I don't feel like seeing her at all, so it's exacerbated the issue.

Actually she told us all where to stand so we could get on the boat first for our excursion yesterday. She made us all line up along the pier. Then she chose where we would sit.

I used to have a friend like this. Wouldn't take no for an answer and everything had to be on her terms.

Try and enjoy the rest of your holiday

Of course you were intending to spend time with her, and by you first post it's clear you have spent a lot of time with her. What you clearly expected was you would have some say in that time, and if you were enjoying your time at the beach, you would be allowed to stay and not just have to go when she tells you to.

Spending time together involves give and take, but the 'friend' here is taking and the OP has to give up whatever she wants, and if not be berated by this other woman.

Do you think she might look at MN ?

Op all I thought while reading those messages is 'are you always this needy?'. If you're not that bothered about keeping on good terms after the holiday can you say that to her if she keeps pestering you? It doesn't need to be really confrontational!

Are you always this needy? We're relaxing in our apartment tonight so won't be out. Catch up with you tomorrow (no kiss but by saying this you can continue to be civil and avoid awkwardness)

It would hopefully make her feel embarrassed about her behaviour instead of her justifying it as you being antisocial.

Fuck, wrong thread. Soz

She's a fucking bitch and a bully and not a real friend!!! I used to be a people pleaser like you and the best decision I ever made was to stop caring what other people think and please MYSELF life has become so much easier and I no longer have to deal with people like your friend because they know it won't work on me.

Good luck OP, stop apologising for doing nothing wrong. Given that you have separate apartments I would just arrange stuff to do with you and your Dc and just have a separate holiday.

I don't care if she does look at mn now. It would solve the issue I guess.

Ouch, really feel your pain, op, we went on holiday with another couple and their Dd when ds was small and it was absolutely horrendous, they were so uptight different to us about every little thing that it really ruined our friendship. Tbh, it was the wife and me who were friends, we didn't know her dh that well and unfortunately he turned out to be a control freak who emotionally bullied her and was seemingly incapable of being normal!! Never spoke to him again, and never really saw her either. We were probably banned for being a bad influence....one of the gems he came out with was, when I suggested she came out with a group of us one night when we got home, that women only go to pubs for one thing!!! And when I said no, two things - a drink and a laugh, he was decidedly unamused!!
Sorry, that was a bit of a rant!! Anyway op, hope your second week is much better

She's so manipulative - glad you are standing your ground now. Well done!

Just goes to show how important establishing the "rules of engagement" are before sharing a holiday. Even with family we are close to, we always have a pre-holiday meet to talk about any shared financial element, what activities people will want, and whether together or separately. We give each other a lot of freedom.

I suspect this particular CF would still have tried it on, but it might have made it easier for you from the beginning as you could simply have reminded her "as we agreed, I'm spending today just with the kids" "as we agreed, I will be having the occasional early night" etc etc