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Original poster

Awful holiday

248 replies

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 16/08/2018 07:50

Help me get through this please. I have come on holiday with a friend and her son. I have 3 DC. I'm a week into a two week holiday and it's just awful. She spends all day telling me what to do, where we should go, what we should eat and pressuring me to spend money when she knows I'm trying to keep to a budget. I wanted to chill out just with my kids one day and she accused me of lacking respect and decency because I didn't want to put a towel over my head in a rainstorm to meet her in a bar.
It's just relentless. I'm spending time with her all day and finding it so stressful. She snaps at me and my kids and then she wants to sit up at night drinking and gets so offended if i want an early night.
Last night I said 'I'll just have a glass of wine in this next place and head back as I'm a bit tired.'
She snapped 'why do you have to plan everything? You're on holiday. Go with the flow. You might want more than one glass of wine. I can't relax, I'm on holiday.'
I feel like I can't speak as it will be wrong. I would love to cut ties but our other friend is arriving for the final week and I don't want to make it awkward for her.
I also hate confrontation and have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I want to go home Sad

OP posts:
Cakemonger · 16/08/2018 09:16

God, what horrible passive aggressive texts. She is bullying you and trying to make you feel guilty in order to manipulate you into doing what she wants. You need to let her know it won't work. No apologising, no explaining, just firm statements about what you will be doing. Then ignore her messages. Ignore ignore ignore.

She won't like this and will probably tell all sorts of lies about you to the other friend when she arrives. But the most important thing is you salvage something from this holiday, for your dc if anything.

PlatypusPie · 16/08/2018 09:17

Aargh, holidays are a test of relationships - both romantic and platonic. You sound unsuited as holidaying companions - she wanting a very social time adult time and you more interested in a quiet family time - and maybe it was not something that either of you could have guessed from your previous level of interaction.

If your previous meet ups at home have involved going out maybe she thought you would be the same , but more so, on holiday. It is like that for some people. She is v v rude though , trying to enforce an all night every night boozing routine when you clearly don’t want to and that remark about ‘ don’t want negativity ‘ would have ended up with her having an unexpectedly swim in the harbour ! ( that picture came to my mind as I had an awful sailing holiday with a group of friends, marred by the diva like behaviour of someone - when she tripped and fell overboard - in harbour, no real danger- there was a distinct pause from everyone before we helped her out 😏)

llangennith · 16/08/2018 09:20

Another effective response is, "Sorry but that doesn't work for my family."
And don't respond to any further bullying. You don't have to reply to every (or any) message she sends you know.
Enjoy your holiday with your kids, doing what you want when you want.

Doingreat · 16/08/2018 09:23

Keep your responses super short. Almost curt. Talith upthread has some good responses. I'd also text phrases like 'busy right now' when she messages and offer no further explanation and not engage.

SawnUpLooRoll · 16/08/2018 09:24

I'll get out the MumsNet cheer pompoms!

Harken53rig · 16/08/2018 09:26

I think maybe you have had different expectations of this holiday.

I reckon she thought you and her were going on holiday together with kids at the edge of the equation, and you thought you were going on holiday with your kids with extra families at the edge of the equation.

Without shared ground rules you have reverted to type via whatsapp- she's bullying you and you are letting her.

I agree with PP who have said have your phone/ messages switched of for blocks of time (hours). When you do read her messages definitely stop being so apologetic!

peridito · 16/08/2018 09:29

Can you adopt an imaginary personae ,act as though you're the more confident person you'd like to be ?

Failing that - imagine how your responses are going to look later today when you let us know how it's going Smile

And yes ,you do have cheer leaders here .So many who've been there and struggled to get out !

Harken53rig · 16/08/2018 09:31

Thing is, if you'd know what she wanted to do on this holiday, you wouldn't be on holiday with her.

But likewise, if she'd realised what you wanted to do on holiday, she might not have wanted to be on holiday with you. She's being a cow by text, which isn't good. But she might be lonely, feeling rejected, feeling like she's not having a holiday because she's having to entertain her only and the other kids she thought he was going to play with are not turning up etc.

I think maybe it hasn't worked for either party rather than friend being holiday-zilla. She's not dealing with being pissed off that well though.

Mix56 · 16/08/2018 09:34

She needs you as a crutch. she wants you to go to her in the bar, but doesn't walk in the rain to you,

"This is my hard earned holiday,I am supposed to be enjoying it, this week when I decide to do my own thing, I'll turn of my phone so you stop bullying me".

cheaperthebetter · 16/08/2018 09:35

Wow!....what a bitch!
Don't text her at all ! Go and do what you want to do with your DC...F@&? her...this holiday would not of been cheap and you and your DC deserved a lovely family holiday.
Did she pay for your holiday? NO
so ignore the twat!
When she texts DO NOT reply!
Why couldn't she come and see you? Since ya's were literally that close? Cause it all about her selfish bitch!

Good luck OP please enjoy the rest of your holiday with DC 💐

🌴🌞🏝🍨🍦....just give your "friend" this...🖕🏻...enjoy

Mix56 · 16/08/2018 09:35

off

ApolloandDaphne · 16/08/2018 09:35

Are you expected to drag all your DC out with you for these drinks?

Hissy · 16/08/2018 09:39

Reading your messages , you are way too polite and worried about her feelings, when she isn't worried about yours.

I LOATHE passive aggression and martyrdom - I guess I would have been more social, but we're different etc... that's fucking RUDE tbh!!

"kids are happy here, we're staying put/dont' want to come out etc etc, will let you know if we're popping over later, otherwise see you tomorrow"

"blah blah hand wring why dont' you come over etc etc"

Ignore

WildfirePonie · 16/08/2018 09:41

Just tell her you will be taking the rest of the holiday with your kids, end of discussion. If she shows up don't answer the door. You are busy!

You don't need her bullying you into doing what SHE wants!

Think how amazing you will feel for standing up to her.

How is going on holiday with kids ending up as a drinking holiday?! She's not worth it. And stop apologising to her, she should be the one apologising!

Please tell her to do one :-) Then block her.

bethy15 · 16/08/2018 09:42

Wow, she's awful, and bloody hard work!

You said she says she hates negativity, yet she's awfully negative herself by those messages. If you don't bend to her will, she's awful and negative!

I would just say no and then ignore her and get on with things as you want with your family. She's not in charge of your holiday, you are. If you and the kids are happy and doing your own thing, she has no right to beat you down into relenting and doing as she commands!

Holidays are difficult though. You can go with people who you've known for years or your whole life, but two weeks is a long time in each others pockets. There's always someone who wants to have their own way and forces everyone to do as they want them to.

At least you have your own apartment, and you don't need to defer to her. If you want to take the kids somewhere just go and don't tell her, and if you want to stay in your villa, do so.

shinyredbus · 16/08/2018 09:43

Im like you OP - i hate being made ot feel im dissapointing someone. And i over explain everything even though i dont have to nor do i want to - i have anxiety issues and i hate the feeling of maybe someone wont like me if i say no to this and that - then, they walk all over me. Its a vicious circle. I know exactly how you feel - im trying to be better - taking longer at replying, being shorter, explaining less.

Good luck OP - i just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling like this.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 16/08/2018 09:47

@Harken53rigg I do take your point but I have spent loads of time with her and her dc and there doesn't seem to be any compromise on her part.

OP posts:
MissMarplesKnitting · 16/08/2018 09:49

She sounds a bit full on, to say the least.

Turn your phone off. Tell her you misplaced the charger. Get some peace with your kids....

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 16/08/2018 09:55

A firm no thanks, doesn't work for us & then ignore any further texts-you're encouraging her by apologising constantly & replying all the time.
It's yours & your kids holiday, you need to find some assertiveness.

WildfirePonie · 16/08/2018 10:04

Please stand up to her! She's already ruined the first week of your holiday and ruining the second half.. I can't stand bossy people like this.

I know it's difficult to stand up to her, especially whilst on holiday, but you will feel so much relief when you do, and won't look back thinking "I wish I had stood up to her". Just say no to whatever you don't want to do, and don't feel guilty at all!

Please go and enjoy YOUR holiday!

ElspethFlashman · 16/08/2018 10:04

If she bangs on about negativity all the time, then it'd be hilarious to turn it around on her. "There's no need for negativity, I'll see you tomorrow!"

Cos honestly she does sound very negative. And pushy. And a pain in the arse.

I do think it's different cos she has only one and you have 3. She's always looking for more company, whereas you're always in a group anyway.

Harken53rig · 16/08/2018 10:05

Yeah, I guess she thought you were going to spend ALL your time together!

I'm not criticising you OP. The friend's happiness is NOT your responsibility. You have booked and paid for your own holiday and can spend it how you wish.

Helmlover · 16/08/2018 10:05

I had a similar experience with one of our male friends’ girlfriend, who I ended up cutting ties with after the holiday actually. She was so bossy and controlling to the extent where she tried to tell me which meals to order in restaurants. Honestly? I find these types of people extremely unpleasant and only regret that I hadn’t spent much time with this woman before our holiday, because then I would never have agreed to go. Soul destroying experience.

IsaidMrDarcynotArsey · 16/08/2018 10:09

She’s an advanced level manipulator with her suggestions that your social skills and manners are lacking. She’s a CF - who can’t take no for an answer. She may be ’more social’ - but she doesn’t like to be anywhere on her own so summons you to join her ! It must be very stressful just replying to this nonsense. I second turning the phone off - it’s your holiday too!

Inertia · 16/08/2018 10:09

The difference is that your experiences have conditioned you to be nice and accommodating and worry about upsetting people, whereas your friend is used to using unreasonable levels of stroppiness to get her own way. You need to not worry about offending her.

You could stop waiting for her to get in touch, and message her with your plans first e.g. that you have a quiet day at the pool planned and will arrange to meet up again when your other friend is here.