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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Awful holiday

248 replies

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 16/08/2018 07:50

Help me get through this please. I have come on holiday with a friend and her son. I have 3 DC. I'm a week into a two week holiday and it's just awful. She spends all day telling me what to do, where we should go, what we should eat and pressuring me to spend money when she knows I'm trying to keep to a budget. I wanted to chill out just with my kids one day and she accused me of lacking respect and decency because I didn't want to put a towel over my head in a rainstorm to meet her in a bar.
It's just relentless. I'm spending time with her all day and finding it so stressful. She snaps at me and my kids and then she wants to sit up at night drinking and gets so offended if i want an early night.
Last night I said 'I'll just have a glass of wine in this next place and head back as I'm a bit tired.'
She snapped 'why do you have to plan everything? You're on holiday. Go with the flow. You might want more than one glass of wine. I can't relax, I'm on holiday.'
I feel like I can't speak as it will be wrong. I would love to cut ties but our other friend is arriving for the final week and I don't want to make it awkward for her.
I also hate confrontation and have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I want to go home Sad

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 16/08/2018 08:42

I would say to her face to face very calmly "I am allowed to say no" smile and then shut and don't say anything. Just look at her.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 16/08/2018 08:42

And again

Awful holiday
OP posts:
Zoflorabore · 16/08/2018 08:43

Wow! I bet you anything she goes on her next holiday alone. What a bitch.

spanishwife · 16/08/2018 08:45

You are completely caving into her though? Re-read your messages "it would have been nice" "we want to but.." "i will come on my own then"

You don't need to apologise for upsetting her, you've done nothing wrong. Next time, don't let it become a conversation and say upfront "Thank you for inviting us, but we're not in the mood now, but maybe another day". Then ignore subsequent messages.

strawberrisc · 16/08/2018 08:45

Where are the kids at night when she’s asking you to drink in a bar?

HollyGibney · 16/08/2018 08:45

You are really patient OP. I'd have lost my temper at those messages and been very blunt in my responses.

strawberrisc · 16/08/2018 08:46

Sorry I misread that they go with you. Why would you move chilled kids to a bar? She’s nuts!

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 16/08/2018 08:46

It's a beach bar so there are loads of kids there dancing etc. It's just not really my scene

OP posts:
Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 16/08/2018 08:47

Yes i tend to try to keep the peace. Its very unlike me to argue with anyone so that is why I know it's her and not me!

OP posts:
PixieN · 16/08/2018 08:47

That would drive me nuts. Just say no and don’t enter into a dialogue about it. You’re worrying too much about hurting her feelings, but she’s not at all bothered about respecting yours. Good luck Flowers

MyNameIsNotRachel · 16/08/2018 08:48

wow - really wow... shes horrible! I would of replied if you want see us come and see us if not see you later. id probsmessage other friend and arrange certain days to met and explain about other 'friend'

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 16/08/2018 08:48

We are just opposite the beach and they are 8-12 so not small dc. But she was suggesting I meet her in the day and just watch her and her son eat pizza (as I told her we had eaten)

OP posts:
Fairylea · 16/08/2018 08:48

Wow she’s nuts!

I don’t think you’re being rude enough back. Just say no, and keep saying no. I would actually say to her this isn’t working out for me and I’d like to spend more time with my dc.

NoFucksImAQueen · 16/08/2018 08:49

I agree stop apologising to her! all your replies are I really want to but...
you don't really want to so don't say it.
turn it back on her. if you want to see us why don't you come here?
I know we are really close so why don't you come here
etc

prampushingdownthehighst · 16/08/2018 08:49

I'm guessing she is feeling very lonely and needs someone's company, doesn't have to be you all the time though!
Hopefully the 3rd friend will help.
You have my sympathy, she sounds very hard work.

Fairylea · 16/08/2018 08:50

I think you don’t need to reply as quickly either. Just ignore her. Be “busy”.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 16/08/2018 08:50

I always try to work things out by being nice to people but it's not working

OP posts:
Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 16/08/2018 08:50

I doubt our other friend will take that crap from her

OP posts:
IStillDrinkCava · 16/08/2018 08:53

It's hard but maybe try being more proactive than reactive. Declare you're having a "family day" and turn your phone off for a few hours. You're trying to be nice but a good solid "no" is the only way sometimes.

Honestly, ongoing messaging while you're chilling on holiday - what kind of a break is that?

ResistanceIsNecessary · 16/08/2018 08:53

Agree with PP, you are being too nice. People like this have the hide of a rhino so you need to be very explicit. I know you don't want to be rude but you have to be blunt or she will keep on pushing.

We're not coming out tonight but hope you have a lovely evening and if you want to meet for breakfast tomorrow then we'll be at X place at Y time.

Ignore all further messages and mute WhatsApp/messenger. Just don't look at them.

If she mentions it again the next day when you see her, then a good way of getting your point across is to be blunt but use some humour to take the sting out. "Crikey! You're keen! We needed some down time on our own as it's not healthy to live in everyone's pockets all the time - no harm done." Then swiftly and firmly change the subject and if she tries to draw you back, then tell her "We've talked about this already. Let's move on. Now, what are we doing for lunch/dinner/beach etc?"

Don't be bullied. I suspect the reason why she is so keen so spend every waking moment with you is because your 3 DC will entertain her 1 and therefore remove her obligation to parent, so that she can sit back and relax without worrying - because she knows that you'll focus on your 3 and inevitably end up watching her DC as well.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 16/08/2018 08:54

It's not been a holiday for me at all. I can't wait to get home.

OP posts:
Showpony2 · 16/08/2018 08:56

I don’t think you need this frien

Showpony2 · 16/08/2018 08:56

*friendship

IStillDrinkCava · 16/08/2018 08:57

Also imagine if you were dealing with a child in this way.

"Can I have an icecream?" "No I'd love to buy you an icecream but it's a bit too much effort for me to put my shoes on."

"Can I go to the park?" " I'd love to take you but it's a bit too much like hard work."

Doesn't really keep anyone happy does it? Better to say no, I can't or I won't. Clear message, which they might not like but they'll get over it. In trying to nice she may be reading it that you can't be bothered with her. Much better for her to hear you just need some space.

peridito · 16/08/2018 08:57

I think MN is v good at helping in this type of situation and they'll talk you through your moves .

I'm much like you and I'm not criticising but agree about your replies by text . Just thank and politely say no giving an explanation only once .I'm not sure I could ignore further textx from her ,so maybe just keep texting back saying" sorry ,not tonight/today " or something in that vein .

We're all rooting for you ,you can do this !