Awful holiday

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Help me get through this please. I have come on holiday with a friend and her son. I have 3 DC. I'm a week into a two week holiday and it's just awful. She spends all day telling me what to do, where we should go, what we should eat and pressuring me to spend money when she knows I'm trying to keep to a budget. I wanted to chill out just with my kids one day and she accused me of lacking respect and decency because I didn't want to put a towel over my head in a rainstorm to meet her in a bar.
It's just relentless. I'm spending time with her all day and finding it so stressful. She snaps at me and my kids and then she wants to sit up at night drinking and gets so offended if i want an early night.
Last night I said 'I'll just have a glass of wine in this next place and head back as I'm a bit tired.'
She snapped 'why do you have to plan everything? You're on holiday. Go with the flow. You might want more than one glass of wine. I can't relax, I'm on holiday.'
I feel like I can't speak as it will be wrong. I would love to cut ties but our other friend is arriving for the final week and I don't want to make it awkward for her.
I also hate confrontation and have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I want to go home

I'd switch my phone off.

I agree stop offering explanations. Just say 'we'd rather stay here/we want some time alone/I don't want to be up late"

In the nicest possible way, you need to toughen up, this is your kids holiday too and you're a grown woman. I know it's hard but you have to be clear you don't want to do x or y or that you guys want to be together on your own.

I took my kids abroad in July and had to face up to a rough as fuck couple whose kids were pushing mine around. I was terrified tbh and on my own with zero back up and they shadowed me somewhat menacingly for the rest of the holiday but do you know what? My kids relaxed into their holiday, and I got really good at a cheery wave.

Good luck!

Yes I will really try to be assertive. No I WILL be assertive. I'm missing home as well.

Op you sound lovely but you are being wet so she things she can boss you about. She is not your boss. Why are you so placatory and cringey towards her?! Just say no that doesn't suit us.

I am wet. I am going to take the first step today and just say 'we are not going for a drink tonight thanks.'

As NoFucks suggests, ask her to come to you. 'If you want to be social, come and join us' - I notice she always expects you to go to where she is.

I think starting with a small step will help me get more assertive.
I was bullied at school and you can probably see why. I am extremely conflict averse.

Stop being so nice to her, shes not listening to you when you say no. Just answer the once and shut her down. So instead of saying 'sorry to offend you' or that you will try and come on your own, just say 'no thanks the kids are settled and I am tired so we will see you in the morning' and then turn off your phone and ignore all further contact until the morning

Keep messages short and to the point:

We aren't coming out tonight. See you tomorrow.

No, that doesn't work for us, but hope you have a great time. See you this evening.

We haven't decided what we are doing today. We'll meet you for dinner at X time.

Then mute her and don't read her messages. The more you respond to her the more she'll try and wear you down. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Yes! No excuses no "I would like to but". You are valuable and an adult and your preferences are as valid as hers and should be respected

I meant to say just shut her down with your first answer, do not engage any further hence turning off the phone and ignoring her pleading

Right I feel like I have some cheerleaders behind me! I can do this.

Woman up, assertiveness, and work on your “boundaries”.

You and your DC are more important than this friendship.

I agree that people like this have the hide of a rhino. I had a ‘friend’ like this once, there is literally no pleasing them so I wouldn’t waste more effort trying. They just eventually find another mug to move on to. You need to be definite with short answers then switch phone off.

You have a whole week to go, don’t let her ruin it. You’re in a different apartment so shouldn’t be too difficult to avoid her. Plus other friend is coming so should be able to absorb some of the pressure (sounds like she will also want to avoid the mad one). As you say, you’re unlikely to remain close when you get home after this. And certainly wouldn’t holiday with her again. So what’s to lose?

If she pressures you to try to meet up or find out where you are, tell her you’re taking her advice and not planning anything

You’re being far too nice - and too fluffy.

(It’s taken me a long time to learn the same!)

Brief, to the point, just “no thanks, we’re doing X/Y/Z as a family, I’ll let you know when I’m free”

That’s it! You don’t have to apologise, you don’t need excuses or evidence. The less you give her the less material she has to pick apart your reasons

Or just get on a bus and go to a beach 15 miles away 😀😀

Don't make excuses just say thanks for the invite but no, we're happy here, have a good night
Then don't reply

Op. Please stop her nonsense right now and try to salvage what's left of your holiday with your dc. Think about how hard you have worked to save and plan for this holiday. She is ruining it. Tell her you want to make your own plans for the rest of the holiday as you want to spend quality time with dc. Then ignore her messages.

She's a bully. Tell her you're worried about her.. has she realised how controlling she is? Do it out of concern and suggest she needs help.

Your ‘friend’ is one of those real life cheeky fuckers that get regularly mentioned on Mumsnet. Bin her off directly you get home. It’s obvious she has no respect for you just the way she’s worded her replies.

Just you and the kids next time?

To be honest, holidays can be fraught enough. Personally, I wouldn’t go away with someone I wasn’t very close to and even with them there are certain people I probably couldn’t spend night and day with.

It’s your holiday, if you’re blocking her when you get back, who cares?

Those really are some passive aggressiveness messages, aren't they? You aren't unreasonable at all and I have to admit this is exactly why I don't like going on holiday with other people ;)

When she sent you that text saying "Wow" you should have deliberately misconstrued her meaning and replied with "Yeah, it's great isn't it? I'm so looking forward to being with just them for a bit."

Anyway. What a cunt. Disengage with cheerful determination and then turn your phone off!

I will be determined today. I'm glad I have some back up.

Yes, you shouldn’t have gone out after the wanky “wow” text, just ignored. But that’s done: just do what YOU and the DC want for the rest of the time.