Ive been having an affair.

[Carlyxox]

Good evening all! This is my first post on here & I know I'm more than likely going to get slaughtered for what I'm about to post, but I am single & have been for 2 years now, I've been having an affair with a married man for 7 months, firstly the wife, they've been together 8 years & haven't had a physical relationship for 5 of those years, they have separate bedrooms & no children together only grown up children from other relationships... we have a wonderful relationship we can talk for hours, the intimacy is amazing, but just recently I don't know if I've started falling for him but things are getting really difficult, I find myself relying on him, needing him, missing him when he's not around & going out of my mind when I know she's home. Even though I know nothing is happening, he has been clear from the start that he will never leave her & does love her, the relationship just lacks intimacy & he misses that.
I guess I just needed to vent & hope someone has been in the same situation, I can't talk to anyone as it has to be a secret so it's good to air what I feel.
I know it's wrong but you can't help who you fall for.

I knew it bothered him so he must care
Honestly, if he cared that much he would be with you exclusively and not just using you as his dirty bit on the side whenever it suits him. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

People have affairs- such is life. Treat it like you would any relationship- if he can't give you what you want you can
a) Leave.

b) Stay and put up with it

Realistically you will probably stay a bit longer than you should, end up hurt and it will go quite sour, then one of you will leave. It may be him which will hurt you more. You aren't obliged to consider the wife's feelings but you can throw those in there as a added thing if you want.

Hard situation.

I can't decide if you have mug or gullible tattooed on your forehead, probably both. If you have been on MH for any length of time you will know that EVERY cheating husband tells their bit on the side that his wife doesn't understand him and they no longer have sex. EVERY single one.

This man is a cheat, he must lie to his wife so what makes you think he wouldn't lie to you? How can you possibly believe a word he says?

You need to dredge your self respect up from somewhere and end this. It's going nowhere as at least he was honest when he told you he wouldn't leave his wife. So are you going to waste the rest of your life on this loser - will be nice for him to have you clean up when he becomes incontinent in older years.

i did it for 8 years... quite literally lost my mind - i'm talking professionals round my house each day to see how i was doing and trips to the local mental health facility.. get out while you can, seriously.

i loved him dearly and would have done anything for him, but in the end i lost my sanity and he lost nothing.

Do you have many friends, OP?

I am a only a few years older than you. I have a friend who I can imagine getting into this type of scenario. She's gullible and naive and has low self esteem and a general lack of respect for herself. Positive things too, we are friends!! You need to confide in someone who can give you the same shake everyone is giving you here, and help you remove yourself from your deluded thinking.

I do feel sorry for you, especially given the age gap. He has chosen you as an easy pick- young, inexperienced (either in love ans/or sexually, I assume not so much the latter but who knows), lacking assertiveness. He is an absolute fuckwit and the sooner you remove yourself from this the sooner you can start to forgive yourself and move on.

Are you going to be having this relationship when he's 61 and you're 35? No? Then get it over with now! You deserve a whole relationship.

Wiggy1993
I'm so sorry to hear this, but I can also see how you ended up like that. As much as people slate me which is fair enough once your in the situation it's very hard to see a way out.

You're a mug op. Wake up.

oh yes its extremely hard... i happened to fall pregnant with my son and realized the lifestyle i was bringing my baby into - and it was a real kick up the backside for me so i finally ended it. You will do what you will do its your choice at the end of the day but from someone who has experienced it in its harshest form i honestly would try and look how this is likely to pan out for you and ask yourself - is it really worth it?

Lots of women end up in a similar situation when they discover their partner is cheating. Through no fault of their own sadly.

I'm 25 as said below.
What am I stupid for believing exactly? What he tells me? I have no reason not too I can't believe you can really be so stupid to even make that statement.

If this is real (as there seem to spate of hairy truckers around at the moment), I would suggest you have an open and honest conversation with your parents and friends about Mr Wonder-full and see what they say and what they think of you.

You know full well that he talking rubbish, you know that what you are doing is and by blaming Mr Wonder-full because married is just shit. Go find yourself morals and respect.

So you say he just visits you at home ? You never go out ?
So I'm afraid you ARE just being taken for a mug. And yes it was a bit harsh from an earlier posts but you are being used as just someone for him to get his end away . You need to wake up to the fact.

Thanks for letting us know.

OP I'm sorry but he's feeding you lies. If he loved you then he would leave her, they have no kids. I agree with PP he may well tell you his wife has health problems or similar soon so you don't leave

I'm sure he is fond of you. You can do so much better though - go on tinder or bumble, start dating other men. Don't tell this idiot so he won't persuade you not to. Go on lots of dates, try to find someone else. Imagine how happy you will be when you find a kind, loving man who wants to see you exclusively, wants to live with you, share a life etc

Oh dear oh dear. If you get a boyfriend (a proper one, not a client you don't charge) then you'll stop having sex with the old guy, hence the annoyance. Duh.

Of course he won't leave his wife. He'd have to move somewhere with half the equity in his house. Pay solicitors. Tell everyone why he's responsible for the marriage breakup. This way he gets to be the good guy to his family and friends.

Worda fail me.

Oh OP what a pickle!
Now youve wrote this do you see how it sounds? I’m sorry but he’s taking the piss out of you and your falling for it.
He’s 51 and is getting to have sex with a 25 year old with no strings attached. At the end of the day he gets to go home to his wife and forget about you leaving you at home pining for him. He’s having his cake and eating it!
My suggestion is end it before he does.

He may love his wife and you. It's possible to love two people at the same time.
He may leave his wife for you.

However, there are no certainties. If you enjoy the drama of being the lover, carry on.
If you want a 'normal' relationship, set him an ultimatum and stick to it. If he doesn't leave his wife in 4 weeks, dump him. It will hurt you, but not as much as potentially being strung along for years...

It's like a drug

You need to go NC / cold turkey and mean it

You're young and you can't tie yourself to this revolting sleaze for ever

Please please find some self respect and cut him out of your life

Get an STI check. I can guarantee you they are sleeping together still.

this obviously made me feel good because I knew it bothered him so he must care He knows he'll struggle to find someone else with expectations as low as yours.

I wish I wasn't so screwed up that i genuinely think he loves & cares about me & I wish I could just walk away, I wish I didn't love him. You don't love him, you don't even know him. But what screwed you up so much you'd even entertain this "relationship"?

You can help who you fall for. Or do you take no responsability for anything?

Find someone of your own. not saying he's not at fault but why do you want someone that that is attached, also those lines he gave you are the oldest lines in the book.
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I actually don't agree with the first sentence. You don't 'choose' to fall for someone. It's like chickenpox - it just happens and takes you by surprise. Of course you can chose to act on it or not, but I really don't think attraction is a 'choice' at all.

It's not as though you can go along with a tick-box - age correct, unattached correct, income correct, ethnicity correct and so on.

Heck, you can't even 'chose' which gender you might be attracted to or indeed when.

Marriage is a largely artificial institution which was started when people lived far shorter lives and in any event it was never designed to have much to do with 'being in love' or 'falling' for someone. It was designed for practical, social and economic reasons. Nothing wrong with that but if you go back to the origins of romantic love it was nothing to do with marriage.

I digress. But the idea that you are attracted to someone just because they are your age, or just because they look right on paper or just because they are single is silly.

Having said that OP, you sound miserable and I think detachment from the drama triangle would really help you. Date other people and try to have fun. Men are perverse, imo, when you disappear they want you more and when you are available they then disappear.

I think that's why so many men have affairs - the above peversity.

When I first split with exh, my friendship with my boss developed. We fell for eachotger. Neither of us were attached.

What we did know is that we were not entirely compatible. Be didn't have kids and wanted them. I had 2 and don't want anymore.

Besides that, it would have damaged our careers. My job meant that I really needed his support on my projects. If we were a couple his support would mean less. I know what people would say. It wouldn't end well. It would have damaged our reputations.

It was very painful to walk away from. But we walked away. He actually decided to take a job for the same company but based elsewhere, after we worked together for a bit and found it very hard.

I couldn't help my feelings. Neither could he. But that didn't mean we had to jump into bed together. It didn't mean we had be a couple. We would have only been damaging ourselves and that was enough.

Feelings doesn't mean you MUST have an affair.

I can relate to your situation so much. When I was 24 and single I had a relationship with a 50 year old married colleague. I can honestly say it is the biggest regret of my life. I thought he loved me - he didn't, he was just flattered and grateful that he could attract a 24 year old. I thought we were in a relationship - we weren't, we just had sex. We didn't spend weekends together, go out, have holidays, make plans etc. It was just sleazy from start to finish and I can't think of it now without shame, disgust and regret. Luckily for me I met someone my own age and realised I wanted to be someone's top priority, not someone's bit on the side. At that point the thought of being with someone old enough to be my father made me feel sick. Please see this for what it is. Meet someone who wants a future with you. And most importantly, don't potentially be the cause of much unhappiness to his wife.

I have been on a few dates with another man as someone suggested further down & he hated it! Got really jealous & started being really funny about it, this obviously made me feel good because I knew it bothered him so he must care

He is angry because his free prostitute is at risk of leaving him

Oh no OP. He sees you as a commodity, a thing that is his and no one else can have. But also a thing he plays with when he choses and drops as easily.

This man is a liar. He is a snake. He is a sleaze.

Cut contact. Block him. Find someone else who is single and wants you- the whole relationship.

As much as people slate me which is fair enough once your in the situation it's very hard to see a way out.

You're in a sad physical relationship with a married cheat and liar. It has no future. Why is it hard to see a way out?