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Original poster

Ive been having an affair.

195 replies

Carlyxox · 13/08/2018 20:29

Good evening all! This is my first post on here & I know I'm more than likely going to get slaughtered for what I'm about to post, but I am single & have been for 2 years now, I've been having an affair with a married man for 7 months, firstly the wife, they've been together 8 years & haven't had a physical relationship for 5 of those years, they have separate bedrooms & no children together only grown up children from other relationships... we have a wonderful relationship we can talk for hours, the intimacy is amazing, but just recently I don't know if I've started falling for him but things are getting really difficult, I find myself relying on him, needing him, missing him when he's not around & going out of my mind when I know she's home. Even though I know nothing is happening, he has been clear from the start that he will never leave her & does love her, the relationship just lacks intimacy & he misses that.
I guess I just needed to vent & hope someone has been in the same situation, I can't talk to anyone as it has to be a secret so it's good to air what I feel.
I know it's wrong but you can't help who you fall for.

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 13/08/2018 23:05

HE DOESNT WANT TO BE WITH YOU
HES TOLD YOU

Jupiter9 · 13/08/2018 23:06

Sugar daddy now, he's a pervert.

Badtasteflump · 13/08/2018 23:14

Oh dear. I'm not going to flame you OP because I feel sorry for you - you sound lonely and sad and a bit lost. Do you have friends and family in RL who you can talk to - and who can help you find the strength to walk away from this creep?

You're 25 with no ties - you should be having fun with similarly 'no ties' young men and going out with your friends, etc. But you're wasting your youth pining over an old married man who clearly doesn't care about you.

Seriously - why? You need to look at why you have set your bar so low.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2018 23:18

ultimately he's happy where he is

This is all you need to know.

I can send you info of where to get support from other OWs...currently having affairs (some are out if the affairs) and I guarantee, they'd all tell you to leave him.

They won't flame you, but they'll be brutally honest.

PM me if you're interested in it.

itallhappensforareason · 13/08/2018 23:20

He doesn't seem like a sleazy guy

The man is cheating on his wife. I think that definitely makes him a sleaze ball.

dragonflyflew · 13/08/2018 23:25

I know of three women who committed themselves to married men. Each man had them in the background through more than one marriage.
Two of those women died childless and alone, never able to let go of the hopes they had for the married men to leave their wives. one was my aunty, the other was one of my best friends, they both died young of cancer.
the third is still alive, still seeing her married man, too old now to have kids and is very depressed and lonely. Drops all her plans in case he is free to see her at the last minute.

dragonflyflew · 13/08/2018 23:32

Also, when I was in my teens and twenties I attracted a lot of older married men because I was young and beautiful. I still do attract married men, I'm pretty sure it's because I'm middle aged , not so beautiful anymore and because they think middle aged divorced women are desperate.
Im sorry to say it but you aren't special to him. If you end it he'll replace you. Some will do and say anything to have sex and ideally have their cake and eat it.
Also I'm mid 40s, having hrt for menopausal symptoms and ive constantly got the horn.
I don't know any women my age who aren't still having sex

Opentooffers · 13/08/2018 23:37

Ok, then you have a self-respect problem and maybe some emotional problems to sort out yourself. You are getting sex from him, do not confuse that with love. He's having his cake and eating it. Not being able to go longer than a day is an unhealthy obsession with someone who does reciprocate, let alone this bloke who is just massaging his ego with a young person.
You need to work on why you invest all your happiness in such a lost cause. I'd say there is much missing in your life.

mumofanonly · 13/08/2018 23:39

Sorry to say but he is just using you for sex and excitement.

I have shagged plenty of married men and it has always just been sex. Which is fantastic for me- I just wanted the sex.

He won't leave his wife for you. He's said as much.

Your 25,he's 51- what an ego boost for him!!

Helmlover · 13/08/2018 23:48

Hypothetically, if he did leave his wife (which is extremely unlikely) and chose to make a life with you you would still be unhappy, do you know why? Because you already know this man is capable of cheating, and if he’s done it to his current wife and perhaps others before her, he would also do it to you. You would always be looking over your shoulder when he’s on his phone or laptop and will always be wondering whether there is an ‘other woman’.

Women who have husbands/partners who have previously cheated are never completely happy, no matter how much they convince themselves they are and the trust is never completely restored in their relationships. Sounds cliched but once a cheater, always a cheater.

OP, you don’t sound like a bad person. You are young and deserve some happiness- go out and find someone worth bothering with.

Monday55 · 14/08/2018 00:03

he's not a sugar daddy...she said she spends money on him..

.
Leave OP he's not worth the agro

Intheg00dolddayz · 14/08/2018 00:16

You are probably not the first, nor his last OW. He may have more than one OW and a wife. What happens if you want to go on holiday together in the future ? What happens if you want a family in the future ? Suggest you get checked at clinic. Why love someone who lies ?

chocatoo · 14/08/2018 00:29

His affair with you is adding a bit of excitement to his life.
But this isn’t about him, it’s about you: do you have so little respect for yourself that you will put up with someone who has told you in no uncertain terms that he loves his wife?
More importantly, think of his wife! Really think about what you are doing to her and then look at yourself in the mirror.
Time to grow up and move on.

VanGoghsDog · 14/08/2018 00:34

The woman my bil had an affair with believed exactly the same lies too, and he also does not come across as sleazy. Who knew!?

HarmlessChap · 14/08/2018 00:44

you are not having an affair, he is.

I had a 2 year period in my marriage without sex or intimacy, we only started again when I said I would leave if we were going to carry on living like brother and sister rather than husband and wife.

That's how it works unless you're a bit of a dick. You sort one problem at a time; you don't introduce a new problem to try to resolve an existing one.

AsYouAre · 14/08/2018 01:04

A long time ago when I was very young and naive in my late teens I was the OW to an older man who span me very similar bullshit

Fastforward, I met somebody I could call my own and we got engaged to be wed, started a family. He did the very same thing to me.

You reap what you sow in this life. Think of his poor wife and if you feel nothing for her then look at how YOU are feeling right now

katielouise3 · 14/08/2018 01:17

Not being funny @carlyxox but the more you post, the more you sound like a 15 year old girl doing a creative writing class, attempting to create a naff chick-lit story.

'I'm in so so so deep, I'm hooked, I can't live without him!'

'I need him, I miss him, I'm going out of my mind.'

Jesus wept! Get a life! 🤣😂😁

Thatsfuckingshit · 14/08/2018 05:17

Where to start

He is a liar, you are an idiot for falling for it
He is sleeping with his wife, does love her, is using you for sex and doesn't give a fuck. You are an idiot for falling for it.

You are simply an ego boost and he will say and do whatever he can to keep it going. You are an idiot for falling for him.

You aren't in deep, you can live without him.

You need to grow up and see this for what it is.

jeaux90 · 14/08/2018 06:07

OP you need to pick up some books. You seem to have a lack of self esteem.

You can do way better than this at a time of your life when you should be focussed on your career, friends, travel and fun you are spending it wringing your hands over a misogynistic asshole who has no respect for women.

After you have found your self esteem (and I also suggest counselling to try and work out why you rely so heavily on someone who has no respect for you) pick up a book about feminism. Your independence is the best gift you will ever give yourself.

Finishing it with him is your first step. Do it. I promise you won't regret it. You have no future with this idiot.

mummy2015 · 14/08/2018 06:29

Hi I have been in a similar situation for 2 years and trying to break out of it. I wish I never embarked on this whole thing. I would avoid getting further into this before you've wasted years.

thebird93 · 14/08/2018 06:36

I find this terribly sad, being the other woman mean you have zero respect for fellow females. Having had first hand experience of a cheating lying husband I can assure you that all you are doing is destroying a family.. walk away and find someone who wants to be with you not dangle you on a bit of strong for fun!

swingofthings · 14/08/2018 07:08

I feel sorry for you too OP. You seem young and naive still. You fell in love and now you find yourself in an emotional mess.

Of course it is totally possible that his sex life with his wife has become non existent, at least regular sex, but what does that tell you? That what attracted him to you is your body and what you can offer him sexually. He has been honest, he loves his wife, she makes him happy, he is just seeking the one thing he can't get from her from you.

Men at 50, however confident they come across, do start to question their virility. You are not just giving the pleasure of sex, but you are showing him that he can still attract a young women, hence boosting his self-esteem to no end, of course he is going to show you his appreciation.

What you need to come to term with is that it is not YOU he is in love with, it is what you represent to him and what you give him. If it wasn't you, any other young woman would do the same.

It's going to be hard, very hard, but you're going to have to find some courage and tell him it's over. It is will hurt like bad but not for long. One day you'll look back and tell yourself you can't believe you ever found him attractive. You'll be ok, you really will be and next time, do stay away from married man because ultimately, it's you you is left with the pieces.

OhHolyJesus · 14/08/2018 07:58

OP I have been so deep before too. You have choice and power and opportunity. You're 25 FFS! Please pull back. I know - believe me I know - how it feels. What you describe is exactly how I felt. Please don't get lost in this, honestly truly, you know all you need to know that it will never change so if you want more from a relationship and frankly life in general you need to take control and end it.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 14/08/2018 08:11

He doesn't want to be with you.
He doesn't love you.
A shag now and again does not equal a loving relationship.
You are wasting your life and you are an idiot if you allow this to continue.

inshockrightnow · 14/08/2018 09:05

There is enough you get, virile, available men out there. Why would anyone feel they have to share a man with another woman?

He will never be truly your partner. It's sad you would accept that, OP.

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