Ive been having an affair.

[Carlyxox]

Good evening all! This is my first post on here & I know I'm more than likely going to get slaughtered for what I'm about to post, but I am single & have been for 2 years now, I've been having an affair with a married man for 7 months, firstly the wife, they've been together 8 years & haven't had a physical relationship for 5 of those years, they have separate bedrooms & no children together only grown up children from other relationships... we have a wonderful relationship we can talk for hours, the intimacy is amazing, but just recently I don't know if I've started falling for him but things are getting really difficult, I find myself relying on him, needing him, missing him when he's not around & going out of my mind when I know she's home. Even though I know nothing is happening, he has been clear from the start that he will never leave her & does love her, the relationship just lacks intimacy & he misses that.
I guess I just needed to vent & hope someone has been in the same situation, I can't talk to anyone as it has to be a secret so it's good to air what I feel.
I know it's wrong but you can't help who you fall for.

I'm not going to pass judgement because I'm also dating a married man. But I am going to suggest you walk away. It's one thing to have a sexual arrangement with a man in a sexless relationship. It's quite another to live on the hope that he'll leave his wife for you. You're not getting what you want or need out of this. You will fall in love again if you give yourself the chance.

If you really can't walk away, at least consider dating other men at the same time. Get yourself on tinder and go on a few dates and see where it goes. Play him at his own game.

I posted earlier but it looks like you are feeling ' picked on '. You have gone into defence mode which is understandable. I should imagine that others on here are a range of ages so come with various life experiences, some sound close to what is going on with you.
Can I ask a few questions. How often and how long are your meets/dates with him ? What does a general date incur i.e where do you go/ do/ visit/ have you introduced him to friends and family ?

What excuse does he give his wife when hebis with you?

So he's told you that he doesn't have sex with his wife, the kids are grown-up, but he will never leave her and he does still love her. He misses the intimacy, apparently?

That's where you come in.... just a shag, and one he doesn't have to ever live with/marry, go home to.

Nice eh, to be an unpaid prostitute?

Can't you attract a man who wants you for yourself?

To be fair a lot of marriages (if what my friends tell me is true!) do lack intimacy. In fact. based on what I have heard, which of course may not be representative of the wider picture, more lack intimacy than not.

Speaking purely from personal experience, my own was lacking in intimacy for four years (at least) until I filed for divorce. I actively encouraged my soon to be ex husband to find another woman. Which he did! It got him off my back and meant I could file for divorce without completely shredding his ego.

Having said all that, I totally agree that married men (in particular) will spin all kinds of lies. One of my friends at one stage was seeing an attached man (never got married) with four children who was a serial philanderer. The friend was under some kind of delusion that she would be the special woman that he would leave his partner for. She even believed him when he persuaded her that they didn't need to use condoms because he always did with his partner!

I mean, how naive can you be! I suppose the idea being that she was 'special' so they could have unprotected sex. I couldn't believe she could be so naive. Also, who wants to hear that your lover is having sex with someone else? I think I would rather they lied about it. But there you go.

Totally agree with others who say you should play him at his own game and date other people. Just put him on the back burner. Don't start dreaming that he will leave his wife and you will walk happily into the sunset. That seldom happens as the pressure is too great and there are hurt feelings all around.

Get busy with your life. Date other people and have fun. People tend to want what they can't have. I was ardently pursued by a few men when I was married but since separated they seem to have melted away! A fantasy is so much easier than a reality.

I think one of the biggest relationships killers is 'all or nothing' thinking. This can apply to any situation really. The more you try to get something your your exclusive self, the more that other person or persons evade you. It's like magnets - they attract and repel equally.

Take a step back from the drama triangle. The truth is, that if your lover really wanted to leave his relationship he would. Not necessarily (hopefully) for you but for HIM.

Good luck. Who said relationships were easy.

Sigh!

You are a free prostitute to him.

He's wasting your life. Drop him and find a man that is invested in you alone. This guy is using you and you are allowing him. You're both morally deplorable, you don't get a free pass simply because you aren't the one married. You're very much a part of, and a main contributor to, the iniquitous situation. Why do you have such little care and concern for how this affects his wife? She isn't your responsibility but she's still a person that you are knowingly causing harm to. What is wrong with you OP?

Why on earth would you want to be with a 51 year old when you're 25? What a waste :p (If I believed this thread of course)

Go and make your own life my love. He’s 51...he’s had half of his already! You are a lovely ego massage for him but it is highly unlikely that this relationship has longevity for you. Think about your future...career, children? Will that happen with him? You say you’re in love with him but is he in love with you? He’s not...if he was he’d leave his wife for you and be preparing to support you in your future together. He’s not doing this and he’s not going to! For you own sake walk away now!

I think these harsh comments are what you need to be honest.

He doesn't love you. He's using you for sex. You are younger - he will get an enormous thrill from this also.

He WILL still be having sex with his wife. They will be in the same bedroom at night. He's spun you a web of lies and you believe to all. You are gullible which again will be very attractive to him - he can say what he likes and you will believe it. Therefore no chance of him getting caught, he's got the best of both worlds.

However, he's been honest about one thing - he won't leave his wife. Therefore he has no feelings for you op. It's just about sex and that only. He will tell you whatever - and he can because he's figured you out as a person - to get his end away.

Will he be bothered you have fallen for him? Nope, deep down he won't give a fuck.

Has he fallen for you? No. If he had, he would leave the wife. But he's not going to do that op as he is happy with her. He has the family life and a bit on the side - that's you. That's all this is to him.

Wake up.

Block/delete his number. Do whatever it takes to get this man away from you.

Don't tell the wife. Don't do anything. Just focus on yourself getting out of this mess.

You are 25 ffs. It's not the time to be wasting your life on older married men. Learn from it, and vow to never make the same mistake again.

He’s lying to you and you’re extremely naive if you think they haven’t slept together in 5 years.

Also, why are you wasting time on this man that isn’t even bothering to spin you the ‘i’ll Leave when the time is right’ line. From the start he’s told you he’ll never leave her and that you’re there to serve a purpose.

You’re better than that!

You’re the one who’s going to end up alone out of the three of you when he gets bored.

Trust me, i’m Talking from experience (although not recent and I’d never ever do it again)

You say you can’t stop thinking about him?
Is he thinking of you? I doubt it very much. He is enjoying life with his wife. You are just servicing a ‘need’ he has.

Grow up, find someone who respects you (and women in general) build a life where you come first and where your needs are met and you are happy.

Also beware of those years later on when you are settled in a relationship- you will be paranoid because you know what married men are capable of.

The definition of a sleazy guy is one who fucks another woman and lies to his wife's face. Ugh.

I find this really weird. My DH is 45 and our DD is 20....and honestly, we view her and all of her mates as children! When he is 51, she will be 26....and I'm sure she will still seem like a child (albeit grown) to us. And she's our youngest!

Is he not the same age as your Dad? And does he have daughters your age? If so, that makes this all the stranger!

Anyway, just to put you straight, whatever sex drive you have right now, I'd advise you to double it, and that is the sex drive you will have in your 40's. If you believe his line about separate beds and no sex, you are deluded! Women in their 40's (usually) have no little kids to run around after, plenty of time & money to spoil themselves, and are generally much more confident than women in their 20's....and believe me, they are getting plenty of sex!

I'm in my 40's, long term partner and having an affair with a bloke in his mid 60's who is married. We were an item over 20 years ago and stupidly started something a few months ago. We don't mention our partners.

OP, you'll always be longing for that phone call/text, you'll let it drag on for years, you'll end up lonely. You need to understand that it's purely sex, and that's all it will ever be, no feelings, no future, just nothing.

You’re basically a cheap wank sock.

There are two possibilities. He is telling the truth about the sex, or he is lying. He's got lots of reasons to lie, but in the end it doesn't matter whether he is telling the truth. You are lucky in that at least he's not lying to you about leaving his wife.

Aside from any moral issues, it sounds like you are deeply unhappy, and any pleasure you are getting comes from your feelings towards him. If you were otherwise happy and seeing other people, then this would be less of an issue.

Love is incredibly powerful, especially first love. Walking away from it is like a bereavement. If you leave him you will hurt for a very long time, but it's what you need to do for yourself, long term. Imagine yourself in five years' or ten years' time in the same position.

He's going to have his cake and eat it as long as he can, even if everything he tells you is true, so it has to come from you.

Here is good advice on ending an affair.

Here is advice on how to survive a break up.

Geez, OP. Find a single man. If you’re keen on saggy balls find a single 51 year old, but make sure he’s single!

No I haven't introduced him to anybody, when we meet he comes to my house I live alone, his wife works shifts so she doesn't know he's not at home, when there both home I rarely hear from him & I have to be the quiet one I can't just text when I want too or call, it's a constant game of waiting.

I do feel responsible yes of course I do! & I hate what it would do to her if she ever found out, but in my selfish ways of being in love with a man my needs outweigh hers that sounds awful I know but it's true. I can't oversee how I feel for her.

I have been on a few dates with another man as someone suggested further down & he hated it! Got really jealous & started being really funny about it, this obviously made me feel good because I knew it bothered him so he must care.

I knew it bothered him so he must care.
Its not caring he simply wants to ensure you are available to him whenever he wants.

You're being a fool - you're trying to justify something you know in your heart is wrong.

I've been married to a man like this. He's lying about the lack of intimacy etc, believe me. Your actions will break up a family and another woman's heart. If it wasn't you it would be someone else. Grow a conscience and tell him to take a hike.

You going on dates with another man bothers him because if you go and get a relationship then he may have to replace you.

So you care about the damage you will do to his wife. But care about your needs more?

An ex of mine hated seeing me with other men. It doesn't mean he cares, it showed that I wasn't a person to him. I was a possession, a toy.

This man doesn't care about you. If he did he would walk away, because he would not want this half life for you. If he cared he would want you to have a full and happy life. Not one waiting around for him to text.

Op he was only bothered because if you find someone else, you won't be available for sex when he wants it! Honestly you're a grown woman - wake up!!!!!