Ive been having an affair.

[Carlyxox]

Good evening all! This is my first post on here & I know I'm more than likely going to get slaughtered for what I'm about to post, but I am single & have been for 2 years now, I've been having an affair with a married man for 7 months, firstly the wife, they've been together 8 years & haven't had a physical relationship for 5 of those years, they have separate bedrooms & no children together only grown up children from other relationships... we have a wonderful relationship we can talk for hours, the intimacy is amazing, but just recently I don't know if I've started falling for him but things are getting really difficult, I find myself relying on him, needing him, missing him when he's not around & going out of my mind when I know she's home. Even though I know nothing is happening, he has been clear from the start that he will never leave her & does love her, the relationship just lacks intimacy & he misses that.
I guess I just needed to vent & hope someone has been in the same situation, I can't talk to anyone as it has to be a secret so it's good to air what I feel.
I know it's wrong but you can't help who you fall for.

Not presuming anything about sex drive.. but he says she wanted her own room because of hot sweats & stuff & that was five years ago. They've not had sex in 5 years & intimacy is limited to a cuddle on the sofa.

Lack of intimacy because of the menopause is a bit goady! Hilarious.
What about his paunch, thinning hair and obsession with porn. Lucky you!!!
You are probably doing her a massive favour. Crack on with your prize.

@Feckers2018

I'm 25 he's 51.

bangs head on table

Jesus Christ.

Let me guess - he's away on a family holiday, so as you can't see him you're posting about him?

PS: hot flushes might make sleep uncomfortable, but they make sex racey

oh dear, oh dear.

Just imagine them cuddling on the sofa. Enjoying life. Intimate moments
Cooking. Going for a walk, enjoying dats out and weekends.
You’re basically a cheap wank sock. It’s the only bit he doesn’t get at home.
Do you want to be the only missing part in someone else’s relationship

25? Come on op, find some self respect!
This guy is old enough to be your dad and isn’t even pretending it is anything more than sex for him.
If he actually cared about you he would end things so you could get on with your life and meet someone of your own.

Let me get this straight.
A married man, is lying daily to his wife. Where he is, what he's doing, working late blah blah blah.
And you believe everything he tells you, because he told you these things.
He's lying to 2 women.

He's 51. You're 25. You think you're the 1st one he's had an affair with? I bet he's a pro.

Not judging you for the affair - and you AREN’T having one - you are not married, he is.

But - come on. You are young and there are plenty of men you can date.
Even if he was single - i’d tell you - run. He is 51. In 10-15 years he’ll be an old man. And you’ll still be a young woman.
And sex and all those things you are enjoying with him now - you’ll still want them. And he - may or may not be able to have the same level of energy, etc.

Leave. Really. A broken heart at 25 will heal and you’ll be Ok in time to meet someone who’ll be right for you.

He's more likely to lie to a young naive stranger than to his wife. He is clearly lying to said wife. That's greasy. Now. Based on that information, you believe he would not lie to you. Read that twice. OK. Good.

Sounds so stupid saying it out loud but he just seems like a good guy who's just made a mistake & found himself in a situation, he doesn't seem like a sleazy guy.

Nah, he's a sleaze

Seriously? Think about it, why doesn't he just leave her then? No kids even?! Even if you and your special relationship didn't exist, he'd leave her and stay friends. Five years. No kids.

Honestly, why are you doing this to yourself? Why don't you feel that you deserve more? Where's your dignity and pride?

I'm probably around his wife's age and have also gone through the menopause, likewise most of my friends. We talk about sex, and 100% of us are still enjoying having sex . Being honest here - this will not end well. Why would you stay with a man who you know will not leave his wife ? You are wasting the best years of your life on him. Do you want to look back in years to come with him as an old man,still with his wife, maybe not being able to perform as much as you would like, childless, mostly alone as he has become a homebody . Still worth it ?

Ok @carly here’s what you should do, tell him that you’re not happy to be his bit on the side and that if he wants a future with you then he needs to finish things properly with his wife - have some pride and respect for yourself and not settle for someone who is quite frankly giving you sloppy seconds. His wife will still be providing all his home comforts for him and that’s not fair. It’s either a functioning relationship where you’re an equal or you’re being used - you need to decide your value and worth

"he doesn't seem like a sleazy guy"

No successful philanderer does.

(This really is following the most trite of scripts).

Of course he's not behaving like a sleazy guy. It he was you won't be shagging him. He's not a fucking idiot. He knows exactly what to say to get you hooked. You have nothing but his word that he's in separate bedrooms with no sex for 5 years. And if he can lie daily to his wife that he's known for years, do you really think he won't lie to someone he's just meet?
And what's this mistake he made? Marrying and staying with his wife? Or cheating with someone half his age?
He's cheating on his wife with someone half his age and blaming his wife's age for the lack of sex, that by definition makes him a sleaze.

I feel so reliant on him, I constantly check my phone, I drop everything if he needs me too, I've spent money on him I can't go more than a day without hearing from him, it effects my whole existence

Oh OP
I won't flame you for having an affair or falling in love with this man BUT if there are no children why oh why is he staying with her?
Yes leaving and divorce is hard but with no children involved it's much simpler and think about it... Why would he stay in a cold miserable sex less marriage when he could be in a warm, supportive, fun, intimate relationship with you?
Why does he not want that?

I am so sorry but he is stringing you the oldest line and you have fallen for it.

Please get out now.

Most women find sex much more satisfying in their forties than their twenties and are better at it. I'd love my own bedroom, doesn't mean I'd spend my time in there doing needlepoint and watching soaps alone.

Oh come on, surely you can do better than a cheater old enough to be your Dad who has told you he loves his wife and will never leave her. Are you desperate?