Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being accused of gaslighting and abuse

241 replies

OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 11:57

Married 3 years, have 1.5 yr old and pregnant with much wanted number 2.

Just been away from DH with family for a lovely stress free week.

Came home and within an hour or two he was getting grumpy and stressed with me (because I asked him to get something out of the blue suitcase in the car, and then he asked where something else was and I said 'the blue bag' meaning the one right in front of him in the house, but he thought I also meant the blue suitcase in the car - so he got grumpy accusing me of 'not giving him enough information' etc).

Then when that blew over we were in the car talking about upcoming scans and I asked if we were going to find out the sex this time. He said of course we would, we did last time, and I reminded him that I hadn't initially wanted to last time. He said 'ok you decide this time' and I said I'd rather we discussed it and decided together (like last time). He then said that he had given me 'what I wanted' and why was I arguing. I said I wasn't arguing, just wanted us to discuss and choose together. He said he would never discuss it again. Kept repeating that he was 'agreeing with me' while declaring that he would not talk about it with me again. When I said he wasn't agreeing with me because that wasn't what I wanted he shouted and swore at me (with our baby in the back of the car :( ).

We then stopped talking and a few hours later he apologized for the shouting and swearing but said it was my fault for painting him into a corner. He said we could talk about whether to find out the gender if I wanted. I went to bed.

This morning he was acting like nothing had happened, I was talking to him as necessary for getting our baby up but when he tried to start another conversation I just said I really didn't feel like talking to him. He accused me of giving him the silent treatment. I said I was talking to him, just feeling pretty upset.

He repeated that he had been 'agreeing' with me and I had argued with him and what could he do. I said he hadn't been agreeing. He said I was 'gaslighting' him.

I then told him what I had been feeling, which was that I had been so much happier away from the arguing and stress. (I didn't tell him that I didn't miss him at all, but that's how I feel. Without him I was happy).

He said he had apologized but I was continuing the 'abuse' and 'gaslighting' him over what happened.

I just want out. I just want my baby and then one to come out of this place where they will hear shouting and swearing.

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 13/08/2018 21:33

You don't want to be with him. That much is clear. So don't be.

But don't try and make it all about him being the problem.

You only have to read relationships board to see it never ends well like that.

You have the right to leave - you need to other reason beyond "it's what I want"

diddl · 13/08/2018 21:35

"Try leaving the room and shutting the door?"

He's the one who should be walking away rather than shouting & swearing!

Melliegrantfirstlady · 13/08/2018 21:36

True but it might make him
Stop and think?

MMmomDD · 13/08/2018 21:38

OP - can I ask you - in your opening post you talk about very much wanted baby #2....
And you are only 6 weeks pregnant - so - until 2 months ago you really wanted to have another child with this man.
Yet - your other posts mention a house where you are constantly shouted as. And it’s so bad you want to take your young child and this unborn one - and separate???

Which part of this makes sense?
To anyone?

So - either:
You have only been together for a short time - and had a baby very soon into the relationship - so are not a great fit
OR
Can it be that stress and hormones are making you somewhat all over?
Because you do sound less than reasonable.

ThriceThriceThice · 13/08/2018 21:43

Try leaving the room and shutting the door

Err...OP was in the car - should she have jumped out in moving traffic and body-rolled over to the pavement? And in any case, why does she have to manage his anger - isn’t that for him to do? I am presuming he’s an adult not a toddler. Even on Mumsnet it seems that women are responsible for managing a man’s anger - even if it’s in front of a child.

RhubarbTea · 13/08/2018 21:46

You're argumentative and passive aggressive.

His shouting is still unreasonable and you should distance yourself from him. If he carries on shouting you can and should exit the room/situation or shut it down if it's not productive for the good of your child, while you work out what to do. Rather than staying and bashing on and on because you want to be right, or for him to knowledge that you are right. Doing this will damage your child if they have to keep witnessing it.

How you felt while away speaks volumes. Yes you probably should leave the relationship and this thread seems like you are trying to lobby to do so - of course the reality is you don't need to 'prove' to anyone including us lot on here that it us bad enough to leave. It sounds like you got together and had a child quickly and are now finding you are incompatible.
If you are still in doubt as to whether to leave, try individual counselling just for you for an extended period of time. Good luck.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 13/08/2018 21:53

Thrice

Op could have asked him to stop the car?

I think it’s sensible to remove oneself from the situation

If her dh was here I’d give him advice but he isn’t ??

ThriceThriceThice · 13/08/2018 22:15

OK - she could have asked him to stop the car (presuming it was safe to do so) and then got out with her young child. And then? Stood at the side of the road hoping she was on a bus route?

Honestly, it’s not OK to scream/shout and swear at your partner because they are annoying you. It’s not OK - and especially not in front of a child. I get that some of you think it is - and that it’s for the OP to manage. But I don’t. I am still a bit Shock that so many on MN think it is.

Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 22:58

You need to talk to your dh about how unhappy you are.

We've talked and talked. I am unhappy with his angry outbursts, he says it's my fault... we forgive and forget, and then do it all again.

OP posts:
Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 23:13

Your DH was avoiding what he probably saw as a row, gave you an answer he thought you'd be happy with, but you wouldn't accept that & you pushed him until he ended up rowing with you anyway. Rock & a hard place really.

He was hardly trapped, it's not like he couldn't have just said 'sure we'll discuss it at some point', or just 'I don't want to discuss it' without insisting he was doing what I wanted.

Telling someone they want the opposite to what they are saying is not likely to make them happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 23:22

I just feel you are expending a lot of energy trying to defend yourself on here.

There's an element of venting. I can't argue with him, but I can argue here.

I am wondering if this is a reflection of the relationship - where you feel you have to constantly defend yourself?

It's true I feel often under attack - like with the blue bag, waiting for the next thing it will turn out I've done wrong.

I just think it might help to move out of the ‘defensive’ mode - it’s your life, you don’t owe it to anyone on here satisfy them.

I'm not trying to satisfy anyone. Just getting my own thoughts clear.

Have you talked to anyone irl? Parents? Friends?

I have no one in RL to talk to

OP posts:
Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 23:27

Try leaving the room and shutting the door? That will make him stop?

If I leave the room he will follow. If I shut the door he will slam it open. I once made the mistake of pushing a chair in front of the door to block it, he broke the door.

You don’t say how often this happens?

Minor incidents like this, once a week or so. Really major ones a couple of times a year.

There are good and bad patches.

OP posts:
Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 23:35

He's the one who should be walking away rather than shouting & swearing!

It happens more at times like in the car where I can't get away.

OP posts:
Givemeacookie · 13/08/2018 23:42

You actually do sound in the wrong op a better question to him would of been would you like to find out the sex of the baby he would of said yes and you could of said you didn't then you both could of discussed it you asked him if you were finding out making it sound like his choice then took it away. Doesn't sound healthy and if you are having bollocky arguments like this how will you cope with 2 children and the real issues come up as they grow older?

Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 23:52

until 2 months ago you really wanted to have another child with this man.

Until yesterday. And I still want the child.

Yet - your other posts mention a house where you are constantly shouted as. And it’s so bad you want to take your young child and this unborn one - and separate???

It's become my normal I guess. It gets bad I think about leaving, it gets better I stay, it gets bad again, and I wonder why I'm still here...

...it's only the timing that made this event 'stick out', I normal excuse some of his anger because with the little one we get interrupted sleep, and its hard work, so of course his temper is a little short. But we've been away. He's had a whole week of sleeping in. He had three days off work. And no child to care for. This should be him at his best.

OP posts:
Original poster
OmmiMama · 14/08/2018 00:00

If he carries on shouting you can and should exit the room/situation or shut it down

I couldnt exit the situation, and if we hadn't been in the car he would simply have followed me. How could I 'shut it down?'

Rather than staying and bashing on and on because you want to be right, or for him to knowledge that you are right.

I literally didn't say anything once he started getting angry, so no idea why you think I 'bash on'. I've learned he ignores anything I say once he starts shouting so I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
OmmiMama · 14/08/2018 00:03

Op could have asked him to stop the car?

Once he was angry he would have viewed me asking him to stop the car as antagonistic. There is no way he would have stopped, and it would have prolonged the anger.

OP posts:
ginandnappies · 14/08/2018 00:15

So, since yesterday you've changed your mind? How long has he shown behaviour like this OP?

wheresthehope · 14/08/2018 00:17

I would love to hear his version of things...
I am another who thinks your being little hard work tbh..he gave his answer about the scan.. Your 6 weeks along so there is plenty of time to sort out what you want to do regarding finding out or not. And when he said to talk about it you blew him off!
Why push him further?
Does he have some other stresses effecting his life atm that you are not pointing out? He sounds like he is unhappy just as you have mentioned you are.
I cant workout why you would want to bring another child into this situation

fluffypudcats · 14/08/2018 00:31

I can't answer your AIBU as I'm still not fully clear on the facts. In your OP, many people's interpretation was the you asked him a closed qn- one with a yes / no answer: "do you want to find out…". You then implied his answer wasn't what you wanted to hear which is why many are defending him. In your second description of the same conversation, you implied that you opened more with an open qn- one that immediately led to a discussion. Your clarity of describing the conversation (or lack of) to people who weren't there wasn't as clear as it maybe could have been.

If you had asked, "can we discuss whether or not to find out the sex of our baby? I know we did last time but things are different this time" then maybe the discussion would have been more likely.

wheresthehope · 14/08/2018 01:11

fluffypudcats he did try to talk about it though and OP wasn't interested in talking then.. then also the following morning also wasn't interested in talking still.
Just seems like such a big deal made out of nothing!

fluffypudcats · 14/08/2018 01:44

@wheresthehope I understand that. It's more the aggression from posters and lack of clarity of communication that I'm trying to address. You're getting a hard time from a lot of people who have read your OP in a very different way to how you felt you explained it. Their responses are very affected by this and I feel it has taken the focus from your AIBU. I'm not making myself clear, am I?!

fluffypudcats · 14/08/2018 01:48

@wheresthehope please don't misinterpret me. I am (clumsily) trying to explain why I feel you are having to defend your feelings. Your explanation initially and their understanding are mismatched. Many are responding to a different AIBU than the one you started and cos many don't RTFT, they don't see updates.

fluffypudcats · 14/08/2018 01:49

And @wheresthehope , I don't know why I've decided you're the OP Blush It came up on my iPad you were and I went with it. Sorry!

famousfour · 14/08/2018 02:40

Gosh you’re really getting a hard time here. His shouting and aggression is really not on and the difficulty is if he thinks it’s ok and normal. If that’s not ok for you (wouldn’t be for me) and he can’t and won’t address it whether because it’s wrong or because he realises it’s awful for you - then I think you will need to leave at some point.

I’m not a gaslighter or abuser (I don’t think) but can recall something similar with my DH once where I really wanted to have a discussion about something and he wanted me to do what I wanted (can’t remember what now). I think the reason was that he felt discussing it was really just a way for me to convince him I was right and he found the idea of the conversation (or potential argument) tiring and didn’t want to have it. He didn’t think he would change his mind and so thought it was pointless. I of course found it unsatisfactory. As in all things there is room for a difference of opinion but I could in retrospect see where he was coming from to a degree even if I didn’t think he was entirely right.

I’m not agreeing with your husbands behaviour but could there be something similar going on? Was your previous conversation about ‘finding out’ a bit loaded to be such a touch point now?