Being accused of gaslighting and abuse

[OmmiMama]

Married 3 years, have 1.5 yr old and pregnant with much wanted number 2.

Just been away from DH with family for a lovely stress free week.

Came home and within an hour or two he was getting grumpy and stressed with me (because I asked him to get something out of the blue suitcase in the car, and then he asked where something else was and I said 'the blue bag' meaning the one right in front of him in the house, but he thought I also meant the blue suitcase in the car - so he got grumpy accusing me of 'not giving him enough information' etc).

Then when that blew over we were in the car talking about upcoming scans and I asked if we were going to find out the sex this time. He said of course we would, we did last time, and I reminded him that I hadn't initially wanted to last time. He said 'ok you decide this time' and I said I'd rather we discussed it and decided together (like last time). He then said that he had given me 'what I wanted' and why was I arguing. I said I wasn't arguing, just wanted us to discuss and choose together. He said he would never discuss it again. Kept repeating that he was 'agreeing with me' while declaring that he would not talk about it with me again. When I said he wasn't agreeing with me because that wasn't what I wanted he shouted and swore at me (with our baby in the back of the car :( ).

We then stopped talking and a few hours later he apologized for the shouting and swearing but said it was my fault for painting him into a corner. He said we could talk about whether to find out the gender if I wanted. I went to bed.

This morning he was acting like nothing had happened, I was talking to him as necessary for getting our baby up but when he tried to start another conversation I just said I really didn't feel like talking to him. He accused me of giving him the silent treatment. I said I was talking to him, just feeling pretty upset.

He repeated that he had been 'agreeing' with me and I had argued with him and what could he do. I said he hadn't been agreeing. He said I was 'gaslighting' him.

I then told him what I had been feeling, which was that I had been so much happier away from the arguing and stress. (I didn't tell him that I didn't miss him at all, but that's how I feel. Without him I was happy).

He said he had apologized but I was continuing the 'abuse' and 'gaslighting' him over what happened.

I just want out. I just want my baby and then one to come out of this place where they will hear shouting and swearing.

It sounds as if you're also being gaslighted on this thread tbh. You dated to ask a question more than once so you're hard work and his complete over-reaction and nastiness ie shouting, sweating, calling you a cunt etc is minimised, justified and overlooked.

Be the little woman and shut up when you're told to.

Flying monkeys are normally found gathering to support inappropriate behaviour. A little bit of schadenfreude thrown in too. Stop over-explaining yourself - you're not on trial.

If you do go to counselling then go alone so you can speak and process your thoughts clearly.

He sounds like an ill-mannered fusspot. He mistook which blue bag you meant..so what..that's no reason for him to explode is it? You need to think whether you can put up with him for years.

A prolific poster Hen posted numerous times and was clearly projecting

Which I have just apologised for.

I missed it Hen because it took me a long time overnight to type my post.

Your post should be in bold Hen because your relentless input MASSIVELY influenced how this thread went. Op is being abused in her relationship - and has ended up being abused on here. Because you were projecting.

I'm sorry to be so cross but, please, think before going hammer and tongs at someone who is clearly suffering.

OP I’ve been reading all your updates and I owe you a massive apology.

I read it as gaslighting and projected my own experiences on to you and I am sorry for giving you such a hard time.

Having read all your subsequent updates, I realise there is more to it and I shouldn’t have got so entrenched in my own projection. So I am sorry, for going at you so hard.

Better?

What OP initially described did come across as gaslighting, which fair enough I shouldn’t have got so involved and projected, hence the apology, but it was the recent updates which prompted that.

Lesson learned, and apology offered. Not sure what else I can do.

To be honest the fact you raised that things went against you last time re scan reads as a deliberate manipulation to get your own way this time. Fair enough to want compromise but just say it. However when you then didn’t express a preference it reads like you took the opportunity to make him feel bad.

It’s no wonder he’s worn down by you as I am just reading this one thread, and I’m clearly not in the minority.

That’s not to excuse his reactions. He’s wrong and it’s not acceptable.

Sounds like he’s only like this with you so clearly is in control in all other aspects of his life. I don’t think you are suited to each other and would both be better people apart.

yes, better.

op are you quite literal irl? do you need things to be dotted and crossed?

I can see why the scan conversation would be frustrating to both sides.

But being called a cunt would be a deal breaker for me - well, OK, I'd accept a heartfelt apology & acknowledgment that it was totally out of order, as a one off.

From the OP I was envisaging 'shouting & swearing' to be something like 'fuck it do what you bloody like', which didn't seem so serious.

Actual name calling directed aggressively at OP, rather than 'oh ffs' frustration at the situation would be very different for me?

Honestly, if he thinks this is acceptable & just how he is, it's not going to stop. I think it's time to leave.

I suppose I read it as you didn't want to know & then your husband talked you into it.

I didn't want to know but I don't think that a woman deciding to wait & see what sex of baby comes out of her body really classes as not involving the father.

Moot point for us anyway as we both agreed on it & the hospital policy was to not tell anyone as it was!

OP - sending some positive vibes for you. You have taken a real hammering on this thread and have come across as dignified, and clear in your own thinking. I hope/feel that this has helped you to get your thoughts in order.

It is not OK to scream and swear at you regularly. It is not OK to not let you walk away to calm the situation down, but to follow you and keep on shouting. It is not normal to shout, swear and insult you and then to expect you to make small talk the next morning, as if it didn't happen.

I think your counsellor did you no favours by suggesting the tactic of apologising to you both. Instead a good counsellor would/could have suggested that you articulate your feelings and hear what each other is saying:

"When you swear at me, it makes me feel very threatened. I know that you are frustrated and that shouting was normal in your family, but it is not normal for me, and it does not help me to understand you."

"I am going upstairs so that we both can calm down. Please don't follow me, it's very intimidating!"

"I can see that I have made you angry. Can you see how I am feeling? Lets take a break and think about what we really want."

"I am pregnant with your child. Please stop shouting and look after us. Think about what really matters here."

I hope that that helps a little. I would never advise someone to stay, or leave a relationship - only you know what it's really like - but please do ensure that you have options open to you/keep working/earning, so that you can be independent if you need to, or stay and work on the relationship if that is what you choose to do

I'm with your husband on this one. You sound like hard work OP

This thread is hard to make sense of.

OP if you talk like you write then you are a poor communicator. Whether that stems from your own issues or a response to H’s behaviour and treading on eggshells as a result...none of us know. I don’t think you know either. Individual counselling would be good. You can’t control his behaviour but if you really do want to change things then get better at seeing how you come across. He may get better too once you remove some of your issues.

Your H doesn’t come off well here either. Shouting and swearing is bad enough but minimising it is just not on. You need to decide if it is a deal breaker for you. Also he sounds like a poor communicator too - shutting the conversation down like a moody teenager. He needs to get better but I knew someone like this once - he always felt under attack and his first response to everything was to fire back. Also the shouting and swearing came about in that example as a response to years of being subtly manipulated in most conversations to the point he felt he was going mad. It was EA but his OH didn’t realise she was even doing it. They got better though, mainly because he had counselling sorted his issues out, communicated better - in turn his OH got better too as felt less under attack the whole time.

It’s very hard here to see whether your relationship is generally good or bad. But if you felt better being away then definitely some big changes are needed.

If you are feeling this way, please also bear in mind you will be at higher risk for PND so some antenatal individual counselling would be useful from that point of view too.

Hen, I think it's really impressive that you came back and apologised after realising you made a mistake. It's something rarely seen on mumsnet (or in real life!), very brave of you

OP if I were him I'd have been really frustrated by the scans conversation. I know it's impossible to hear both sides and all information from a thread, but it sounds like you rub each other the wrong way.

TheExamStartsNow thank you. I realised I was too invested and stepped back. Rereading it all today made me ashamed and I realised OP deserved an apology.

I can’t say whether it’s going to get better.
I think emotionally he felt you were disagreeing with him when you said hold on can we talk about this. I think that made him feel annoyed with you and tried to cut down the conversation as he felt it could become an argument. I’m not blaming you for that at he all, because he should be able to handle someone disagreeing with him. I think the apology was along the same lines - to try and shut it down quickly. He was probably anticipating more of the same.
It’s a quick solution but it doesn’t change the fact that he sees every disagreement at you starting an argument or as an attack on his ego.

My dh is the same. On some non personal issues I’ll just agree as it makes it easier and change the subject.

YeTalkShiteHen