Being accused of gaslighting and abuse

[OmmiMama]

Married 3 years, have 1.5 yr old and pregnant with much wanted number 2.

Just been away from DH with family for a lovely stress free week.

Came home and within an hour or two he was getting grumpy and stressed with me (because I asked him to get something out of the blue suitcase in the car, and then he asked where something else was and I said 'the blue bag' meaning the one right in front of him in the house, but he thought I also meant the blue suitcase in the car - so he got grumpy accusing me of 'not giving him enough information' etc).

Then when that blew over we were in the car talking about upcoming scans and I asked if we were going to find out the sex this time. He said of course we would, we did last time, and I reminded him that I hadn't initially wanted to last time. He said 'ok you decide this time' and I said I'd rather we discussed it and decided together (like last time). He then said that he had given me 'what I wanted' and why was I arguing. I said I wasn't arguing, just wanted us to discuss and choose together. He said he would never discuss it again. Kept repeating that he was 'agreeing with me' while declaring that he would not talk about it with me again. When I said he wasn't agreeing with me because that wasn't what I wanted he shouted and swore at me (with our baby in the back of the car :( ).

We then stopped talking and a few hours later he apologized for the shouting and swearing but said it was my fault for painting him into a corner. He said we could talk about whether to find out the gender if I wanted. I went to bed.

This morning he was acting like nothing had happened, I was talking to him as necessary for getting our baby up but when he tried to start another conversation I just said I really didn't feel like talking to him. He accused me of giving him the silent treatment. I said I was talking to him, just feeling pretty upset.

He repeated that he had been 'agreeing' with me and I had argued with him and what could he do. I said he hadn't been agreeing. He said I was 'gaslighting' him.

I then told him what I had been feeling, which was that I had been so much happier away from the arguing and stress. (I didn't tell him that I didn't miss him at all, but that's how I feel. Without him I was happy).

He said he had apologized but I was continuing the 'abuse' and 'gaslighting' him over what happened.

I just want out. I just want my baby and then one to come out of this place where they will hear shouting and swearing.

Do you get conversations with him that don't end with his shouting?
Does it happen every day?

We have good periods. We can normally talk about things. But then these very destructive arguments occur. Not every day, but weekly, and they can last for days (this was over pretty quick - it probably wouldn't have made an impact as a row if weren't for the timing).

rainingcatsandogs

If someone posted that reverse, I guarantee that someone would say that you're pregnant and hormonal so your h should forgive you.

Maybe - but it's the OP who is pregnant and hormonal and she isn't shouting and swearing - he's just had a nice week to himself so should be pretty chilled and his wife is pregnant, so maybe could have a little patience?? Furthermore, it's not a one-off , it's a pattern of behaviour and he has admitted he has anger problems but hasn't got round to going to counselling for it.

OP - please ignore everyone who is picking you apart and stop justifying yourself. I do agree that you seem to have gone into 'defence' mode - picking up on the posts where people disagree with you and ignoring the supportive ones. Maybe this is because of your relationship with DH - that it's all about fault/blame - or maybe it's your personality. I have no idea if you are hard work - maybe you are! But you still don't deserve to be stressed and unhappy and living in a relationship where you are treading on egg shells / have to agree or shut up.

I'm not sure if you want advice, but my tuppence worth is to try to find a counsellor for you to discuss your options. It seems everyone is in projection central today for some reason, so I don't know how much help you will get here.

But the underlying factor here is that you weren't ok with the decision last time because you pointed it out to him saying "we'll do what we did last time".

If you were ok with what you decided but wanted more of a discussion you would have said something like "oh do you want to find out again then?" Or "I'm not so sure we should this time so want to discuss further at some point" opening a discussion.

"But I didn't want that" is a way of saying "but I wasn't happy last time".

So this time he's decided you can make the choice so you don't feel like that.

The poor man can't win. You've given us a great insight into how you pick out exactly what you want so you are right at all times.

A skill I thought only my 14yo autistic ds had mastered spectacularly - but I reckon you give give him a run for his money

As an aside - people like that are bloody draining and difficult to live with. I empathise with hour DP despite not being in agreement with his behaviour either.

Op, I don't think you were unreasonable, it seens fair that you wanted to talk it through, often the decision for the 2nd baby could be different than 1st baby as you learn from the experience.

It seems he is irritated with you, certainly not loving towards you.
Misunderstandings happen but when we love someone we try to undetatand each others pov. Has he always been like this? Has their been a change such as workplace?

He said, "I have given you what you wanted" when I think it was clear you wanted to talk.

You just sound worn out and confused to know what to do for the best, to me.

This is very accurate. Sadly. I feel exhausted.

Although in this case I'm not sure that there's much to be said about asking the sex at a scan.

You either want to or not

It may be that simple for some people but it wasn't for us. My main reasons for not wanting to last time were to do with people buying us pink/blue presents and that is no longer such an issue as we have most stuff now. His main reasons for wanting to find out were to do with it being the first grandchild on his side and wanting a big announcement - no idea if he wants that this time (second babies are not such a big deal in his culture).

Just leave. Your first page of posts describes DH and I 10 years ago. He's just gotten more yell-y and worse.

Now I think he is a pig and have lost all respect as all he does is yell - at me and the kids.

I wish I'd left back then when I had money, family and friends. Now I am overseas with him, my job is working with him, and I am well and truly trapped and no way right now of getting out - under contract!

So my advice when you first think about leaving is to go. It rarely gets better with a yeller - just worse.

"What does your family/friends think about him OP? Is he generally liked? Is he different in front of them or does he shout and swear at you then too? Does he encourage you to have other friends/past times?*

My friends and family love him. But they only see the laid back side of him. He would never shot in front of them. He waits till we are alone. He is happy for us me to have friends, but we've moved for the sake of a bigger house for the kids and I can't drive so it's hard to see anyone.

What culture is he from OP?

I'm wondering how much of this has stemmed from the advice to apologise if you disagree and move on?
It's almost like you've lost the ability to communicate.

I stand by my opinion that you sound hard work and mis interpreted his comment and his behaviour as a response was wrong - but how much have you brushed aside opinions recently for the sake of harmony? Have you actually ever moved forward with the ability to communicate effectively to avoid confrontation?

When the dh expressed his view it was the OP who then made it escalate by 'pointing out' that she didn't want to know last time but they did anyway which prompted his response of "ok, this time you decide".

I honestly don't see how that's 'escallation', there was no row at that point, we were chatting, he said we would without needing to discuss it which surprised me, so I reminded him some of what happened last time (I just thought he forgot - It was two years ago).

You just sound very unhappy. To get to the point of coming on here means you’re probably very unhappy.
You need to talk to your dh about how unhappy you are.
Or you could do what most people do and bury it all for another 15 years
Up to you really

It’s very telling OP, that you are picking out certain points and disagreeing, even with a poster who has apparently long since left, but aren’t engaging with any of the positive posts.

I'm answering posts as I get to them. Running a few pages behind because I do in fact have other things to do with my day then talk on here, so I have no idea if a poster has flounced off a page or two ahead. Nor, I think, does the fact that they have left mean I can't answer their questions or respond to their points.

I'm not responding to every post, but if a post makes it clear I've explained something badly I will clarify, and I've tried to answer all questions. There are a lot more negative posts to respond to than positive ones!

*It gives the impression of being unwilling to let things drop, being determined to argue because you want to be heard but don’t really want to hear what anyone else says"

Well it's a thread i started so letting it drop would seem a bit rude to the people who have bothered to reply! I am reading every comment, even the ones I don't reply to.

All of what you write could so easily have been avoided if you’d just let things drop, or not been ambiguous in the first place.

Well, I'm not deliberately being ambiguous. I'm trying to be clear (and failing). I'm not sure when I could have dropped the scan conversation. If I dropped it after his first response he would have thought I was agreeing to find out, which would have caused an argument down the line if I had wanted to talk about it again. If I dropped it after his second response he would have thought he was doing what I wanted while we were both actually unhappy.

It’s all on your terms. What you discuss. When you discuss it, when he’s allowed to talk and when he isn’t.

I've never dictated what we discuss or when we discuss it (I made it very clear I was saying I wanted to talk about the scan at some point, not necessarily then) or not allowed him to talk (he wouldn't listen to me telling him not to talk of I even tried it).

You sound like hard work, OP. If I was him, I'd end it.

*But. What are you going to do about it? You could just change your personality and become someone who second guesses everything they say. He perhaps thinks he’s doing the same- ergo - mismatched

Unless you go to therapy and sort out your total different ways you approach even a basic situation then there isn’t much hope.*

Can therapy do anything? It just felt so pointless. He would smile and say all the right things in sessions, but ultimately nothing changed. He doesn't see anything wrong with shouting and swearing at me.

He probably thought so too until you told him you didn’t want to know last time.

You're acting like I suddenly revealed it, it wasn't a secret I didn't initially want to last time. It was a discussion we had. Reminding him of it would hardly change his opinion of the last discussion.

If you’ve decided the kids would be better off without him (debatable),

I've decided they would be better off not being subjected to hearing their father shout and swear at their mother. I don't think that's debatable.

and you were happier away from him then what exactly is the post o this post? Sympathy and agreement from us that you were in the right?

Ironically, discussion. My head was a mess. I wanted help, I guess. I wanted other viewpoints. I hoped talking about it would give me some ideas, some clarity, something.

Counselling isn't advised with abusive partners. As you say OP he said all the right things in the sessions, but it was you who apologised and followed the advice not him.

I do agree that you seem to have gone into 'defence' mode - picking up on the posts where people disagree with you and ignoring the supportive ones.

I'm sorry that you feel I've been ignoring supportive posts, I can assure you I am reading them. I don't think I responded to your reverse, mainly because I don't see how switching genders makes it read differently, but perhaps it does to some.

The reading and writing is helping me process, even if some of the comments are very raw.

OP, I'm sorry, but to be perfectly honest, the conversation about scans you describe would have driven me nuts & I would have snapped too. You wanted a discussion, not an answer & you tried to force that point. Your DH was avoiding what he probably saw as a row, gave you an answer he thought you'd be happy with, but you wouldn't accept that & you pushed him until he ended up rowing with you anyway. Rock & a hard place really. Im the nicest possible way, you need to examine your part in this too as you do sound like hard work

the underlying factor here is that you weren't ok with the decision last time because you pointed it out to him

No, I was happy with the decision. We weighed up pros and cons, came to a decision. Was happy then, still am now.

I only pointed out that I hadn't initially wanted that because the way he talked made it sound like we had both been for it without discussing last time, so of course we didn't need to discuss it again.

You've given us a great insight into how you pick out exactly what you want so you are right at all times.

I can assure you I am often wrong. About many things. And bad at expressing myself it seems.

I just feel you are expending a lot of energy trying to defend yourself on here. Plenty of posters have got where you are coming from, but you seem to be spending more time replying to the others who are criticising / accusing you of being abusive/difficult and going over the same ground. I am wondering if this is a reflection of the relationship you are in - where you feel you have to constantly defend yourself?

I just think it might help to move out of the ‘defensive’ mode - it’s your life, you don’t owe it to anyone on here satisfy them. If they are happy in relationship where they get sworn at and shouted at in front of their children - that’s fine for them. It’s OK for you to not think your DH’s behaviour is acceptable. It’s OK to want something different for you and your children. I don’t think couple’s counselling will help from what you’ve said, but I do think individual counselling may help you to get a better perspective on this.

Have you talked to anyone irl? Parents? Friends?

Op

You’ve had a hard time on here but you do seem very defensive and a tad argumentative. You seem unwilling to let things go by persistently pointing out the same thing.

This is an observation.

This is a good time to look at your own role within these arguments. Or your approach.

Raising your voice and swearing in front of anyone on a regular basis is wrong. Try leaving the room and shutting the door? That will make him stop?

You don’t say how often this happens?

It seems he is irritated with you, certainly not loving towards you.

But when I first came in everything seemed so happy. He gushed about how he'd missed me and I felt slightly guilty I hadn't really. Then in a few hours hes shouting at me what cunt I am etc etc. It's hard to get my head around.