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Original poster

Being accused of gaslighting and abuse

241 replies

OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 11:57

Married 3 years, have 1.5 yr old and pregnant with much wanted number 2.

Just been away from DH with family for a lovely stress free week.

Came home and within an hour or two he was getting grumpy and stressed with me (because I asked him to get something out of the blue suitcase in the car, and then he asked where something else was and I said 'the blue bag' meaning the one right in front of him in the house, but he thought I also meant the blue suitcase in the car - so he got grumpy accusing me of 'not giving him enough information' etc).

Then when that blew over we were in the car talking about upcoming scans and I asked if we were going to find out the sex this time. He said of course we would, we did last time, and I reminded him that I hadn't initially wanted to last time. He said 'ok you decide this time' and I said I'd rather we discussed it and decided together (like last time). He then said that he had given me 'what I wanted' and why was I arguing. I said I wasn't arguing, just wanted us to discuss and choose together. He said he would never discuss it again. Kept repeating that he was 'agreeing with me' while declaring that he would not talk about it with me again. When I said he wasn't agreeing with me because that wasn't what I wanted he shouted and swore at me (with our baby in the back of the car :( ).

We then stopped talking and a few hours later he apologized for the shouting and swearing but said it was my fault for painting him into a corner. He said we could talk about whether to find out the gender if I wanted. I went to bed.

This morning he was acting like nothing had happened, I was talking to him as necessary for getting our baby up but when he tried to start another conversation I just said I really didn't feel like talking to him. He accused me of giving him the silent treatment. I said I was talking to him, just feeling pretty upset.

He repeated that he had been 'agreeing' with me and I had argued with him and what could he do. I said he hadn't been agreeing. He said I was 'gaslighting' him.

I then told him what I had been feeling, which was that I had been so much happier away from the arguing and stress. (I didn't tell him that I didn't miss him at all, but that's how I feel. Without him I was happy).

He said he had apologized but I was continuing the 'abuse' and 'gaslighting' him over what happened.

I just want out. I just want my baby and then one to come out of this place where they will hear shouting and swearing.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 13/08/2018 15:48

Trinity it is advised not to go to councilling with abusers because this is all too common. A ridiculous amount of abused women are told in councilling to comply.

Really? I find that totally shocking and surely really unhelpful :/

NotDavidTennant · 13/08/2018 15:51

Some of us have lived through the exhausting, mind fucking experience of gaslighting and can see it for what it is.

Text book projection.

Maybe go and do something productive with your day instead of hounding the poor OP because you've projected your abuser on to her.

imnotreally · 13/08/2018 16:02

@YeTalkShiteHen I have also lived through it. Ex still attempts it. I know what it is and what it isn't.

3luckystars · 13/08/2018 16:03

This is all historical stuff and not about the bags or the scans.

I think go to a different counsellor and I hope you can forgive, and find out how to communicate better with each other. Best wishes.

MrMeSeeks · 13/08/2018 16:05

Do you think if you both had some good time apart it may help?
Maybe you could both assess?

YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 16:06

Can people please stop tagging me. I’ve hidden the thread but get notifications.

Since it’s now descended into insults I’m not interested, neither do I give a shiny shite what abuse apologists have to say.

So can I be left out of it now please?

Desmondo2016 · 13/08/2018 16:07

Sounds to me like you know you're happier without him and that you'd rather be out the relationship. You can make that happen regardless of whether either one of you is abusive. Just sounds to me like you aren't really a team and there's faults on both sides

imnotreally · 13/08/2018 16:08

@YeTalkShiteHen just replying to your insinuation that I have no idea what gaslighting is. And as for insults? You've just basically called me an abuser apologist!!! I'm incredibly insulted!

Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 16:12

I find it hard to believe a councilor would tell you to apologise all the time to manage his behaviour..

I described how I 'felt' about the counseling, rather than the literal words the counselor said (which is why I started the sentence with 'i felt...').

Basically the 'immeadiately apologize/no explanation/no defense' thing was a thing we were both supposed to be trying to cut off arguments before they turned destructive.

I did it, but he didn't (the counselor also said don't keep score, but it's hard not to notice when the other person literally never does it). So, if he started to get upset at me I would apologise.... Then if I got upset about something, he would get upset back, and I would apologise. It 'worked' in the sense of us no longer getting to that point of him getting angry and shouting, but at the expense of me never being able to say anything was wrong or disagree or have an opinion.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 13/08/2018 16:13

Stop tagging me. Clearly you cannot understand a basic request.

rainingcatsanddog · 13/08/2018 16:27

He's used the wrong word to describe OP's behaviour. Think he means stonewalling.

He wants to know the sex but is willing to let you decide as you brought up the fact that you were pressured into it last time.

You're not sure but brought up how you felt last time. Was this because you were having a dig or did you want him to convince you why you should find out? If it's the latter then maybe he thought he'd rather not since you might bring up the fact that he talked you into it at a later date? When I read your OP, I interpreted you bringing up not wanting to know last time as not wanting to know this time too.

Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 16:33

Ommi, you've said what you want to do, what's stopping you? You don't have to prove anything, you don't even need a label for anyone, you can just go ahead with doing your thing. Do you think he would become aggressive?

Fear is what's stopping me. Going through pregnancy and childbirth and newborn stages alone.

Also hope, that somehow, magically we will be able to fix this and he will stop shouting.

I haven't asked for labels, want or need them.

I don't think he would become aggressive. I think he would be devastated. As will I.

OP posts:
Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 16:38

He sounds very ill-tempered. Has he always been like this?

It comes and goes in waves. Sometimes it can be so great. Then we end up back here.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 13/08/2018 16:40

Is that why you went for a second child, hoping that something would magically improve? How long have you been hoping for the magical improvement? How long are you planning on waiting?

needyourlovingtouch · 13/08/2018 16:41

He is passive aggressive

Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 16:42

*OP, ok fine, you’re right, have it your way. I’m too tired to keep arguing. Think what you want, do what you want, I give in.

Sound familiar?*

No, not really. Is that supposed to be an impression of me? Or him?

He's not the giving in type. And I'd give in quitely without making a big passive aggressive fuss like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 16:50

When you say you are scared to leave, do you mean that you are scared he would become aggressive?

No, I don't think he would be aggressive to me. More scared of having this baby alone.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 13/08/2018 16:54

I frankly admit that in your position I'd probably keep my head in the sand a good bit longer, and use him for support. But I am really not a good role model. I put up with far too much from my ex, looking forward to some mythical day when the kids would grow up and he'd become the guy I first met, and then he dumped me. Feel free to extract any moral you like from that story!

XiCi · 13/08/2018 17:00

I really don't understand why you were so hung up about wanting a discussion. You don't want to find out the sex of your child. He assumed that you would as before, you say that you didn't really want to before so he says you decide. Surely this is end of story. You don't want to find out, he says it's ok for you to decide, why discuss any further?
Or are you saying that you don't know whether you want to find out or not? The whole conversation sounds exhausting when it could be really really simple.

ravenmum · 13/08/2018 17:02

This is presumably just one of many incidents illustrating that they can't hold a conversation without it becoming an argument. Frankly doesn't make much difference why that is, if they've already tried counselling and it hasn't worked...

Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 17:06

So what is it you want from the discussion? To convince him his reasons are wrong and you shouldn't find out? To have the same discussion - agree with him but remind him of a 3rd child comes along he made the decision the first 2 times?

What I wanted from a discussion is for us to each talk about pros and cons and come to a consensus on what we will do. I haven't formed an opinion on what I want to do this time, so I can hardly argue him into it. And I don't know his reasons, but wouldn't try to argue him out of them. I'd like to know them though!

It's not the same discussion! It's a completely different pregnancy, different child. None of the main considerations last time are still the same. If we had a third child it would no doubt be different again.

OP posts:
Gottokondo · 13/08/2018 17:11

OP, ok fine, you’re right, have it your way. I’m too tired to keep arguing. Think what you want, do what you want, I give in.

This. Exactly. Since you don't understand it I'll spell it out for you: it is an impression of how your husband thinks because you are being ridiculously difficult! You claim you aren't but most people on this thread find that you are being difficult. They might be right you know. So you can either head for divorce or try to change things , and that means also changing how you react. In the end we don't care, we're off to our own lives. You are the one who needs help.

FYI I have a great marriage. We never shout at each other and discuss our differences in a civil manner. It has all to do with how we choose to communicate and we choose to really listen to what the other has to say and try to understand them. You are not doing these things. Please don't give me bollocking about that your husband doesn't also, you need to change yourself first, it's not fair to change him first.

Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 17:13

How have your previous relationships ended?

What all of them? My first relationship ended because he wanted to leave me to shag my best friend (so glad I'm not 17 anymore), most recent ended as he got a career break in a foreign country and after living there two years I realized I wanted to live in UK, and he want to make his life there, so after many tears I left. In between there's been ones that were my fault and ones that were theirs, the usual mix.

OP posts:
Original poster
OmmiMama · 13/08/2018 17:18

If you're having alot of misunderstandings maybe you two need to learn how to communicate better with eachother?

This is the conclusion we have come to so many times, but it never gets any better. I'm at a loss.

OP posts:
Gottokondo · 13/08/2018 17:18

You know what, the whole scan conversation is about me, me, me. You ask him: shall we find out the sex. He says: we did last time. You then say: but I didnt want to. You could have said: "that's true but what would your preferance be? Finding out or not?". Or just tell him: "honey I don't want to find out the sex this time". Instead of using a question but then dictating that you want it your way.